[Onion's journal]

What about trying Kraig’s Relaxation Ritual?
Standing up, lying down, or sitting, imagine a warm golden ball of energy and light at your feet. All pain and tension and irregularity disappears, wherever the light touches. It travels up from you feet, to your hips, on up your torso to chest and shoulders, going down the arms and hands at the same time enveloping your head. Wherever any pain or tension is, it goes there and resolves it.
Open your eyes and record notes.

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I’ve never heard of that, I’ll give it a try. Thank you so much I appreciate it :purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

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Two more notes on the RR – one, if you can’t see the light just know that it is there regardless doing the same function mentioned; two, that you take three deep breaths before opening eyes.

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Noted, thank you so much!

IT IS DONE, I HAVE FINISHED AND SUBMIITED TEH ASSIGNMENT FINALLY! I will now do the spell and sleep. Good night everyone.

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How dare you not participate in toxic conversations :scream: no but seriously? They don’t have the intelligence or empathy to deserve any sway over you. Your mom is trying to manipulate you into doing what she regrets not doing so she didn’t even have the damn balls to be as strong as you are being so fuck em.

Them telling you to not be “fickle” just shows lack of respect for you and if they aren’t respecting you then why should you respect them? Sadly you do live with them so a modicum of respect is wise so as to avoid drama though.

My uncle feels similar about me having an “easy” life. Just the other day he said that I didn’t have face any real challenges so I should already have a job. The difference is my uncle deserves a bit of room to be ignorant because he truly tries his best to help me, your family doesn’t. You are strong and have been through alot so don’t let them get you down. They aren’t anything compared to what you’ve gone through. Remember that she is also probably either projecting her own subconscious into you or is using your as a vent because she can’t say it to your sister.

Your sister was a trashy college girl and is lazy and ungrateful today right? What the fuck does she know about anything healthy? She’s a privileged brat who gets off on feeling “useful” by hiding behind the facade of the older sibling who knows best. Ignore her :roll_eyes:

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This is a good point. My father told me a week ago if he knew I would turn up the way I did (not being a muslim that is), he would never sent me to university, clearly he would make me ignorant as hell just for the sake of me staying in ‘One true path™’.

I realize now that most of parents actually love how they envisualize you in their heads, then actually you. They put these expectations for you for what, you being born and raising you?

They sure didn’t ask you if you wanted to be born, but hey I will stop now.

What I am trying to say is unconditional love for a child is really hard to find these days. They want the child to be ‘insert a socially high statue job’ just because they couldn’t/they want to stroke their egos/whatever else,neglecting what the children really want in the end.

I am sure there are better families, mine certainly wasn’t. I feel the OP and you

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Thank you, you’ve really been my rock these past months :purple_heart:

@Vandheer Agree. See, we were taught about a theory of personality in Psychology, it’s a Humanistic theory by a psychologist called Carl Rogers. What this theory says, is we have 3 parts to our personality:

self-image, how we view ourselves
self-esteem, which we are all familiar with
and ideal self, which is similar to the concept of our higher selves, just in the mundane

now our image of our ideal self can be vastly different than the image of our ideal self our families have. my ideal self is a good psychologist who has achieved something significant, and also my magick helping myself and my loved ones. my families ideal self of me on thr other hand was a “sanskari” (with good values, ethics, etc) doctor. think of expecting an orange when thr actual person is an apple. this difference is something major that causes tension imo. some will want you to follow your own (which is rare) and let you br an apple, some will try to make you an orange. it’s upto you if you want to conform or say fuck it.

I’m sorry you had to go through that experience, family can be difficult :purple_heart:

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3rd February, 2022
7:55

I slept for 8? 8 or so hours last night. I feel refreshed. I had a piece of candy after lunch yesterday, so that I don’t fall asleep in class. It’s something I’ve found works for me. Might be a placebo effect but hey, if it works, it works. I’ve found that eating a tiny piece also works for me, without getting the sugar crash. I managed through the afternoon and evening and fell asleep soon after dinner.

The English prof said my presentation was good, I just need to work on my voice modulation. Our batch’s presentation was good overall, because this assignment was the 4th presentation we’ve done in one semester, which is much higher compared to other course students.

I have a test today, I didn’t study for it. I mean, I’m not panicking. I scored less in this last time, yes. Because I didn’t structure my answer well. I managed to somehow both overwrite and underwrite :roll_eyes: Hopefully this one is an MCQ, if not I’ll have to be extra critical of what I write and submit.

I was listening to music with Lucifer yesterday, there was this song that was stuck in my head for a longgg time:

Then I started listening to some old Bollywood songs.

My dad is going through some stuff at work, when I thought of doing some magick to help there’s a line from a movie called Arjun: The Warrior Prince (it’s on Netflix, do check it out) that I heard (I’m writing the translation),“Focus on your karma, the rest will fix itself”.

Here, karma is not the “i do bad, bad comes back to me”. No. It is duty, it is purpose. And Arjun’s purpose being to accept that he’s a warrior, to pick up his weapon and get into that warrior mindset and to accept that there will be a day where he’ll have to k-word a bunch of enemies. I may or may not be aware of why this particular line came up when I thought of doing magick for him. Whenever I did divination for doing magick for my family, the answers were always neutral or that the spells won’t work.

I meditated last night, with whoever came forward. Didn’t have anyone specific in mind. After I did that, my head started filling with too many thoughts. It didn’t serve me well, given that I was tired too. So I slept.

While I was going to sleep, I felt someone poking me. I sleep alone, whoever it was didn’t feel malicious. I tried to use my inner vision but wherever I looked, the poking came from behind me. I brushed it off and slept. I feel nothing today morning. The last time I was poked like this was when I was doing a guided meditation with Azazel. He wasn’t poking though, he was fixing or healing or doing something with my chakra. It was a time when my chakras were darker.

Today a few minutes ago, I saw a thread titles “3 spirit readings for goetic practicioners”. I started thinking, I’ve worked with a few goetic spirits, but am I a goetic practicioner? No
I work with demons, am I a demon magick practitioner? No
Angels then, but I’ve only ever worked with Michael, am I an angel magick practicioner? No

There’s no particular niche (?) I study in magick, or even practice. There’s no single pantheon I’ve sticked to. I have only ever worked with my guides, it’s a mixed bag that I do not wish to categorize. It feels weird sometimes, but I’ve not spent 10 years in magick to know lol. Next month it’ll officially be 2 months since I started magick, both studying and practicing.

I remembered what Michael had told me when I was getting worked up over a spell I wasn’t confident about.

  1. fuck that, I don’t have to push myself so much if it’s taking a toll on my health
  2. i need to stop thinking there’s only one way to do something
  3. “the beginner is the adept, and the adept is a beginner”, it’s all about being open to learning, being open to mistakes.

and I think I’m a very open minded learner. if Belial and Azazel were to tell me to go through a storm, I would. if it was bad? also a learning process. would it wear me down? yes. but it is worth it when I’m learning something. there is the need to draw a boundary with Belial though, that’s, a known fact. he’s not cruel but he can bulldoze through things and it might catch you off guard imo.

Anyways, I’m gonna flip through my notes before the test. That’s all for today’s entry. I hope everyone has a great day. Till next time :wave:
-:purple_heart:

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Lovely read. Now I have to watch Jodha Akbar!!

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Thank you! I’ve been feeling like rewatching it myself! :joy: It used to be my favorite as a kid but idk for that, I couldn’t even understand the story!

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3rd February, 2022
19:33

Had a test, it went bad.

Anyways, I meditated to Santa Muerte today. But my sister called me in between so I did not continue. I need to do guided meditations again, I need to bring the durations of my meditations up.

I felt like I should get back to practicing vampyrism…but before I do I need to welll, meditate. Train my astral senses. I will do a guided meditation before I sleep tonight.

Well I don’t really have a lot to add right now, I’ve been talking to Belial now and then these days. I think he might be my patron, I don’t know if I’m ready to do a rite to fully…do the thingy of taking him as my patron? I still need to properly talk to him about it. But it feels good to know that I might have found my patron because honestly speaking, sometimes I feel spiritually alone, and by “alone” I mean it in a childlike sense. His pep talks are very useful.

That is all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
:purple_heart:

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5th February 2022, for 4th February 2022
9:16

I think Lucifer was in my dreams last night, or not. I don’t remember properly :thinking:

We had my dad’s retirement party last night. I straightened my sister’s hair and did my own hair, by the end of which my back started hurting again. Lucifer pointed out that it was because of poor nutrition in my early teen years.

I didn’t do much yesterday.

Today I plan to meditate, prepare for MFWB, and probably do an evocation of King Paimon. There are a few things I wish to discuss with him.

There is a spell I did, and I think I got the results. I shall wait for some more time though…

Anyways, that is all for today’s entry. I hope everyone has a great day :hugs:

I’m sticking to my vampyrism practice. I vamped someone yesterday while sitting in a beauty parlor, got it a little. I need to work on my concentration.

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5th February, 2022
19:31

I am feeling very frustrated right now, what for I don’t know. My dogs are upto mischief and it’s ticking me off. It happens to me sometimes.

At lunch my parents were telling about the time they were scammed. My mum spoke about a time when some Brahmins came to our house for money (these ones were scammers, they came monthly), but because she was on her period she couldn’t give them money or something to eat or drink. I asked why, to which she said that it is considered dirty. Women, on their period, touching anything, is dirty.

My sister told me to not look for logic in it. For the sake of my sanity I stayed shut, where I wanted to say that I won’t look for logic in a place where there isn’t any.

How is menstrual blood dirty? The very substance that nourishes a child inside a womb, dirty. It made me understood the deep rooted beliefs in my own DNA, about why I even hesitate to think about my own menstrual blood. It angers me, it disgusts me and most of all, it hurts me. There is no science behind this, only misogyny.

I can’t believe I have to sit through dinner, I could laugh, although bitterly with fake amusement at some of the things I hear.

After lunch, I talked to someone on instagram. She has a candle shop, and I told her about my own new shop of reading tarot, and we thought of collaborating in the future when the time is right! Then I did the readings I had opened yesterday, I might open them again :thinking:

I meditated to Lilith

Received some insight about vampyrism, and asked her what I should focus on in my shadow work. During it, I practiced vamping someone who had talked shit about me.

In the evening, I made myself a scrying mirror. I may not have a lot of books to study from. Heck, everything I know rn is mostly from YouTube and this forum, or taught to me by the spirits themselves. But there is one thing I am confident about: I try my best to not let anything stop me. Barbie trump cards before tarot cards, handmade runes, handmade scrying mirror, handmade as much as I can. There is a part of me already in it, before I study it.

I do not know if I will evoke or invoke King Paimon tonight. I used to invoke him every Saturday without fail. But going to my hostel, coming home, going back again, then again coming back here and the added mental pressure has messed up my magick routine. I did not like it, breaking the system we had. But I am working on getting back on track.

I have planned it out, I have set my goals. After achieving these and feeling the green signal, I shall embark on my pahtwalking of the Qliphoth. It has been calling me, so I shall prepare myself to answer. Belial had mentioned him being my guide through it. The Qliphoth amazes me and terrifies me simultaneously. I will be brutally tested, therefore I need to build a strong foundation.

Anyways, that is all for today’s entry. I hope you have a great day ahead!
:purple_heart:

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6th February, 2022
19:42

I went to the market today, I got a new pair of shoes and India Ink. I’ll finally be able to start painting with ink!

I’m feeling a little tired, but we have a party to go to.

That one meditation with Lilith has done wonders. I have physically changed, and energetically as well. When I was taking a picture of myself today I noticed that in sunlight my eyes looked a little grey and well, not soft. My eyes are usually brown, like coffee. And in sunlight they’re brown like wood. The grey was very new and it took me off guard, but it was hella cool.

Screenshot_2022_0206_194822

my eyes before :point_up_2:

my eyes today :point_down:

IMG_20220206_194602

they’re different eyes but the lighting is the same. the energy was very high during the afternoon and evening, I was not used to that and it made me very giddy and happy.

I did a spell for mfwb today, and meditated to Azazel.

I invoked King Paimon last night, I felt my scalp tingling and a tap on my hand. We discussed about some things and I went to sleep soon after, I spent some time with Michael before I slept.

I got Israel Regardie’s book on Talismans and finished reading it. It was a short book. Over the course of the next few days I will integrate and practice it. I’ve been meaning to look into how to charge Solomonic talismans, and to check if I’ll be able to use them at my hostel. I cannot have incense, because my roommate has ashtma.

I have, for now, covered my black mirror. I have not planned on when to use it, before i do I will banish over it, and have a proper cover ready for it once I do start using it.

That is all for this entry. I hope you have a good day!
:purple_heart:

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Your eyes do look different, this is awesome!!

A totally different shade.

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Thank you! ^^💜

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7th February, 2022
22:19

Well I didn’t do much today. I have half planned stuff. I wanted to evoke King Paimon tonight, but because of the lack of preparation and also because I got worked up about it, we decided that doing it later is best.

I invoked Lucifer, his dragon aspect, instead:

I usually pass out when I do this, but today I felt drawn to do it. I managed to stay put through the end, I opened my eyes in between and it felt like I was outside my body while being inside it.

I felt my energy body first solidify, then get cleansed from the inside out. It was uncomfortable, it made me nauseous. I felt like something was stuck in my throat.

It is 20 minutes long, but at 18 minutes I got a strong feeling to stop and I lied down (I was sitting on my bed) and my back :grimacing: it hurt. I don’t get why my back is so weak, I can barely stand without getting strained. It’s never happened before. I tried my best to stay put as my back adjusted, and I feel much better now.

I felt something or someone try to drain/feed off of me. I felt very lethargic before I felt it. I put some music on which I use to connect to Lucifer, and with a boost from him it was dealt with.

My stomach was also hurting a bit during the invocation, where the cord of draining was. It is healing now.

We also discussed about me finally building a good foundation for myself. I will read some Wiccan books, although I’m not interested in Wicca.

And, yeah that’s it. I’ll listen to some music and sleep.

Good night everyone, that’s all for this entry. I hope you have a good day!
:purple_heart:

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I read that book it was pretty good. I’ll tell you a great book is “the complete book of amulets and talismans” by m. Gonzalez whippler.

Also the Anna rivis book on “magical seals” was quite short but filled with excellent material, lastly I’d recommend Baal kadmons book on talismans as well.

Hope you’re having fun my friend.

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I’m gonna add those books to my list, talismans have caught my eye lately. I’m having a lot of fun :laughing:

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