October 7th, for October 6th, 2021.
In the book Scum Villain’s Self Saving System written by author Mo Xiang Tong Xiu, Shen Jiu was an orphan who was sold to a family as a child. There he was abused, and was taken away by a local Cultivator (Qi cultivator, it’s a xianxia book) to be taught cultivation. The cultivator was also an ass to him, so he went back to the house he was sold to but something shitty happened and the house burned down.
Little Shen Jiu, Xiao Shen Jiu, went on a journey and found a sect of many mountains- “peaks” which were like departments, where he was taken in. By this time he was an early teenager, and extremely behind the other students where he got some anger issues, inferiority complex and trauma. His brother/friend, Yue Qingyuan, was willing to help him, along with his brother from the medicinal peak but he was antisocial.
Fast forward Shen Jiu becomes the Peak Lord of his peak, and he finds a disciple who reminds him exactly of him. An orphan, was abused and bullied, and wanted to become strong- Luo Binghe. Here the plot divides, but I will not be diving into that. What I’m saying is, here Shen Jiu had two options.
You see, children enter the sect when they’re in their formative years/adolscence after passing a test. This Luo Binghe was very similar to Shen Jiu, except he wasn’t sold off, but was raised by a washerwoman. Here Shen Jiu had two options- to raise Luo Binghe better than he was, with love and care and respect, or treat him like he was treated- like disposable trash. Here you see the option one is given, and Shen Jiu chose the latter.
I’m feeling a little frustrated since yesterday evening. We went out to buy clothes, all of us. And I don’t like all of us going out together. It is stressful af, especially when buying clothes. My mum points out everyone’s weight. My dad, my sister, me and herself. Earlier she would look at strangers too, but now she’s stopped.
Why I wrote about Shen Jiu, is because of this. Shen Jiu, although refusing to help himself, could have chosen to not continue the cycle of abuse which he knew was there. My mother too, while consciously knowing what she says and does sometimes is bad, does not work on it. It triggers everyone, and I get stuck in the tension.
It took me a real hard time yesterday to not break down. After weeks I got reminded of my old image I had of myself.
You would think a teenage girl to feel pretty with herself, but what people call a “trend” of being skinny is nothing but insecurities that is glorified. A big fuck you to those who promote it. When I was 16, I already had stretch marks. I still do. I never thought much of them, and it’s hard to talk about too but since this a journal, I’m fine with writing it. For the first time in all the 5 years I’ve had them, because I was never able to maintain a constant weight. I would sometimes restrict my eating, get way too conscious of what I was eating and think being hungry would help me lose weight- this was me at 17.
For the first time in all the 5 years, at almost 20 now, I didn’t feel very good about my stretch marks, about myself. I felt very weak and vulnerable. At that moment Lilith came through, and she helped me keep my head up.
I do not understand, why she would continue to do something that had hurt her, and is hurting us. It confuses me, and it also confuses me feelings regarding her. I must bring distance for myself to grow, I knew that and Lord Belial had made it extremely clear.
I meditated with Michael yesterday. Uriel came for a few minutes, talked and left. Michael has given me an assignment to do, so I’ll be doing it today.
I also will talk to King Paimon about a few things.
That’s all for this entry, if there was anything else to add I forgot. I’ll see you all in the evening!