[Onion's journal]

27th September, 2021
21:39

No quote today, everyone. Glass Animals have good music. I usually listen to songs I’ve already heard, the new ones I do give a try are usually lo-fi or vaporwave.

I did the Black Flame meditation, which incorporates invoking Azazel that C Kendall has posted here. I don’t do a lot of preparation or setup, because I don’t have the time or opportunity to do so. I try my best to do everything I can cover with what I can do. Anyways, it was very powerful. I felt like I was half floating and was buzzing with energy.

I forgot to write the email regarding a laptop.

My Kanji book arrives soon. I did 2 hiragana tests on YouTube today. I scored well, I simply need to increase my reading speed. I speak each syllable once before I read the whole word, in English or even hindi I can read the word together. I should start reading the newspaper soon, because I’m afraid my reading will go down like my Japanese is rn hhh. Kanji will be good though, each character has many pronunciations, but the essential meaning remains same imo. So as long as you don’t focus too much on sound, you’ll start understanding a bit of mandarin as well. The Simplified one, I think. Mandarin has a lot more tones than Japanese, but thanks to my mother tongue (which is not Hindi) I rarely have trouble picking up new sounds. I can imitate sounds well once I hear them properly.

I talked with Azazel today, about what I should do next. He gave me some pointers, tomorrow we discuss and make a plan.

I will also start working with King Paimon this week.

Chatted with Michael in the evening.

I was listening to the book of azazel in the train yesterday. My mind is blown.

That’s all for today. Good night everyone. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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29th September, 2021
19:00

“This is all unreal. This is as real as you make it to be, as real you want it to be. At the end of the day, your kingdom is in your own hands. It is upto you-how to build it. Who to keep, and who not to keep.”

  -*Azazel*

Today was the college orientation, it went well. I’m interested in a few clubs.

I got overwhelmed at a point, where there was a discussion going on about extracurriculars and studies. Balancing both, participating while also studying. I got intimidated, I didn’t participate much in school, I wasn’t allowed to participate for interschool events or anything that required practice because my mum thought it was a waste of time. My class teacher in high school thought that even more. I’m unsure of what my father thinks, he doesn’t talk at all. I don’t connect to my biological father in this life, as much as I can connect and feel comfortable and relaxed with Azazel.

I started to worry if I’ll be able to handle it, if I’ll be able to manage, especially with my ADHD. All I could think of while hearing their schedule was,“How good it is to be neurotypical…” I wished I could do a task whenever I put my mind to it and not to have to push through an invisible wall and tire myself doing it. I got overwhelmed, it felt a little scary, I was afraid if I could do it.

A lot of my issues boil down to my environment. And I guess subconsciously, my head stuck to what my mom had told:

I was afraid, that my life would just pass on like it did it in high school. That I would be burnt-out af and exist like a husk of myself. I’m usually fine, but sometimes I’m afraid if I’ll ever be able to survive with my mental illnesses. Sometimes I question my intelligence, my emotions and my skills. It took me a heavy amount of shadow work for me to appreciate myself. ig it explains mt neediness too, the constant need for praise stemming from a lack of it in my childhood.

Lucifer, after many days, stepped in. Reassuring me that it’s okay to be a little nervous, that I’ve changed and I’m not the person who I was back then. Things were, and are different.

It’s a bit hard today, because the executive dysfunction is a bit more as the orientation made me tired. I haven’t meditated today, I don’t remember if I meditated yesterday.

There is now a whatsapp group with my classmates, there’s I think 2 other students from my city. So that’s good.

About today’s quote: Last week, or before that, idk, I invoked Azazel once a week. My mother and sister are out right now, so I sat on the floor in front of a body size mirror in my study room. I closed my eyes, chanted Azazel’s mantra thrice. The first time I chanted, I heard,“Three times”. I did, and opened my eyes and scryed into my own eyes in the reflection, drawing out Azazel’s energy from within.

My eyelids get, what I would call a “debauched” look to them. It’s hard to describe, and I feel a little purple in my irises too. Even though I don’t own any makeup it looks like I’m wearing eyeliner and lipgloss. Confident, powerful.

I talked with Michael today.

I was flipping through my BoS, and found the rose petals I had used in a spell with Aeshma had formed the shape of a heart. It made me very happy.

King Paimon has been sending signs. I want to go to him, I really want to. But I just can’t seem to push myself to do it right now. I don’t like making someone wait, human or spirit, so I’m a little upset about it.

I think this is it for today and yesterday :thinking: I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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It’s totally fine to set boundaries, and to clarify. Consider letting King Paimon know you have a lot to handle, and cannot make the time right now. It’s not rude to let him know. I don’t speak for him, but he’d probably appreciate it. Just my two cents.

Transitioning to college is an adjustment. It’s totally normal to be overwhelmed, I was. With time, you will adjust and find the schedule that works best for you. I was involved in one club, and that was all the extracurricular I cared for.

You got this and you are expanding your life. Hell yeah! :metal:t4:

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I was very sick yesterday, and it wasn’t too bad in the morning so I had planned to meditate to him in the afternoon, and then do some other stuff in the evening when I had time. But it worsened by the time the orientation was over and I was mumbling, but I still told him that I wouldn’t be able to do much for now, and that I’ll go to him once things settle down a bit.

Thank you! :purple_heart:

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@Onion Hope you feel better today.

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Thank you. It’s early morning so I’m feeling good, hopefully this stays.

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Glad to hear it. :+1:

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1st October, for 30th September, 2021.
9:17

Woke up sick, powered through the orientation, slept the whole day. I told everyone yesterday that I wouldn’t be able to meditate or do anything. Today I told everyone I’ll be back when everything settles.

I watched this video yesterday:

Ever since I saw Enochian tablets on goeticimpressions, I’ve been starry eyed. Starry eyed because of how pretty it was. Since many practicioners and even Michael told me to save it for a later time, I watched it to quench my thirst of curiosity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back :relieved:

A lot of deities and guides visited my dreams last night. I believe I was “pulled” out of my body by Apollo, because I clearly heard him speak to me and a lot more real than a lucid dream. He spoke very cheerfully. I also saw, Heckate, my grandfather who passed away in 2011 and is one of my guides, along with Michael and Raphael preparing some herbs (while Michael stared at him with a deadpan look on his face) right before I fell asleep.

I feel better when I woke up, a bit more energized and I continued with my chores. Instead of taking a break I had thought to go on, and I heard someone say,“Tf are you doing? Sit down.”

So I sat down. And took some rest.

I also saw a few words in my dreams, along with a book by/on Either Hermes, or the Greek Papyri.

I found a word here:

If anyone can make sense of it, let me know.

That’s all for this entry. Till next time :wave:

Edit:

The bathroom is a place of ideas and rememberance.

We wear a black thread on our left ankle, to ward from the evil eye. Mine had an owl totem which fell off because the wire got unwound thanks to me constantly playing with it. My sister’s had a turtle totem, and the blue eye. Had, because I felt very very angry and frustrated at her one day, and the next thing I know it broke. She’s very prone to getting affected by the evil eye. I talked with my friend about it, and he said that it might be that my anger was destructive, and not an evil eye.

I’ve been feeling angry a lot more than I used to, more than when I was actively working with Lord Belial. I guess he unlocked the anger I was suppressing for a good amount of time. I will work on handling it.

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If you don’t mind sharing, what signs were the planets in in your Natal chart and what were their degrees?

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Which planets?

Edit:

Also hello :wave: Long time no see! How have you been?

Edit 2:

I have a (tropical) natal chart, but apart from houses and the bodies I don’t know how to understand which degree something is in.

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The 7 traditional planets (Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, The Sun, Venus, Mercury, and the Moon)

It has been very long! But I’ve been doing great thanks. What about you?? Sadly I haven’t checked your journal in quite some time.

It might be best to do it on the astrodienst website. If you want to send the chart instead, if you select extended chart options there is an option to anonymize the chart. Otherwise, the first numbers at the bottom left of the chart next to each planet is the degrees they were in.

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I’ve been good, a little wobbly as usual.

How about I doodle over my name and pm you the chart? I made it on the website you mentioned few months back.

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That also works! Then I’ll look at it in PM.

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1st October, 2021
18:01

Did nothing. orientation went longer than usual (crossed the time by 1.5 hours, I left at the end because the college information was dome.)

Michael has been wuth me all day, his energy is keeping mw a little warmer compared to yesterday so that’s good.

I wanted to share a pretty spell I did with Aeshma whem my sis was out of town, I was charming the ring. Led completely by intuition.

That is all for this entry. See you all soom. I hope you have a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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Looking at that image you have a mix of latin and Portuguese.

Apparently it’s a trilingual thesaurus in Latin, (I’m assuming “lusitanicum” means Portuguese), and Spanish (castellano).

Looks like it from the year 1669?

Presumably it was used by the Portuguese priests as curriculum or whatever.

in Portuguese it outlines what each part is.

(I don’t know Portuguese, but as a romance language there’s enough overlap with Spanish that I can get by reading some of it).

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Interesting
Edit: Something clicked, thank you very much, I appreciate it :purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

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October 3rd, 2021
18:07

I’m back after 3? 4? days of feeling like utter shit. I’m still sick, but I have a bit more energy now. I’m getting stomach aches in between which are not necessarily physical, so I’m looking into it. I’ve been eating light, half or a third of what I usually do. A bit more and I get nauseous af. I like sleeping, but waking up when you have a cold is like spinning a wheel on what hectic thing you’re gonna wake up with. I’ve been unapologetically resting.

Everytime I’m going to sleep it feels like something is shaking me. It’s like I’m sitting in a train, it’s shaking like it’s telling me to stay awake. I click my tongue and turn my back, to sleep again of course.

There’s another orientation from tomorrow, and I need to register for it but the pdf that we’re getting for it is of a different course. I mailed the college but it might’ve been a bit too late :grimacing: There’s a prankster in our class, and he’s decided to have and give us all a hell of a time in college. As he typed that in our group, I realised that I should too, come out of my scaredy cat shell and live a little. Not be so scared, ya know?

I just drank juice, and I’m feeling a little nauseous again. I wonder if I’ll have to go to the doctor. I don’t want to, because every cold medicine gives me a dry cough which has lasted for once, and also for the much scary microbial resistance which is happening rapidly. Oof, we’ll see. We’ll see.

Lucifer is here. He has been sending me songs on YouTube and checking in when I’m having a coughing fit.

My period also started, which is not so pleasent with a cold.

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a wonderful, not so shitty day.
-:purple_heart:

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4th October, 2021
18:20

Today’s departmental orientation was…weird. We did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just watched a “campus tour” which looked more like a graduation film :grimacing:

My stomach pain and exhaustion I mentioned was being caused by parasites. The moment I recognized it, my stomach hurt so much in addition to cramps I couldn’t walk. I asked my guides to help me a bit. Michael and Azazel temporarily managed it till the pain resided enough for me to not go crazy, then I burned them. Today morning I checked again, and dealt with the few left while Lord Belial supervised (?) me. I don’t know how to describe it, he was just watching…

There’s a seminar at college on 8th, from 11am to 5pm for which we have to be physically present. I unfortunately, will not be able to go. Because the transport is inconvenient and not commercial, and the hostels aren’t open either.

Today I’m much much much better. I re-do my wards, it was my fault for not checking it when I should have.

I meditated today.

I also talked to King Paimon. I will write out a schedule/the details of how we’ll go about in college.

I’ll also be working with angels for a while, to balance my energy. With either Lucifer or Michael as the main one, or both. I don’t want to decide on anything.

I’ll be getting a laptop by this weekend. My mum suggested doing my Master’s abroad, because there’s no scope here. At first I thought that my bachelor’s hasn’t even started, why think Masters? But she’s right. There’s not a lot of scope here academically. My sister found a scholarship page, so I’ll be looking at them when the laptop comes. I’ll work hard to have good stuff under my belt. I’m thinking of a university in the UK, because I think the UK will be good. It’s just I have a hard time understanding the accents…

Nevermind, we’ll see when the time goes. No use worrying about from now. I shall not put myself through it twice.

I found today that I get an aversion to feminine energy outside of me. I’m unaware of how it’s affecting me internally, I need to do some shadow work for it. Mother Lilith and Heckate have been showing up. Spiders, Keys, their names. I believe me having mixed feelings about my mom is bleeding into how I view the feminine, probably including myself?

I don’t think I’m very feminine. I don’t think I’m very masculine either. Nor non-binary. I’m just me. My pronouns? She/Her. But if someone calls me brother, or bro, or anything like that, I don’t mind it. But then imagining a scenario where someone would use “he/him” for me feels weird. There’s no dilemma I have regarding my gender or my sexuality, it’s only about my energy.

I found 2 tarot decks I vibe with. I want one of them at least. I will show it to my sis repeatedly so I get it as a birthday present, hopefully. It’s 1.5k in our currency, the others are around 3k. One is the Universal Golden Tarot, and the other The Hermetic tarot. There are also other decks I want, but these 2 I want want.

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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5th October, 2021
18:45

Today was a long day. My cold is almost gone.

Meditated with Lucifer today. I received a sigil and a mantra from him. The sigil seems to have many purposes, ranging from shadow work and healing to summoning spirits. I’m not sure which ones, but I think they will be specific ones :thinking: I will know when he teaches me what’s it for.

The mantra calls his darker, and more feminine side. It’s also a bit broad like the sigil.

When I got it I hurried to write it down. I enter TGS quicker now, but because of me not meditating for 3-5 days the habit wore off and I felt tired soon. Anyways, Lucifer then told me to meditate while chanting the mantra.

I first saw his female form in a white space, with her back towards me. In front her, a big black wall emerged and engulfed her. Then I saw her being covered with ash, it was dark gray-almost black. The ash camouflaged with the wall and she disappeared. Then I saw two hands hold my face, and then I was covered with the same ashy substance.

I then found myself in a dark room, then I saw a sadistic side of me. Me being very fucking angry, then I saw Kali.

“Anger to ferocity”, I heard.

The sigil is quite powerful. As I finished drawing it in my BoS it started glowing. I wasn’t even gazing at it! The energy from it was making my head heavy, so I hurried to write it all down and close the page.

I removed another “friend”. A child, really :skull:

That is all for today’s entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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October 7th, for October 6th, 2021.
7:44

In the book Scum Villain’s Self Saving System written by author Mo Xiang Tong Xiu, Shen Jiu was an orphan who was sold to a family as a child. There he was abused, and was taken away by a local Cultivator (Qi cultivator, it’s a xianxia book) to be taught cultivation. The cultivator was also an ass to him, so he went back to the house he was sold to but something shitty happened and the house burned down.

Little Shen Jiu, Xiao Shen Jiu, went on a journey and found a sect of many mountains- “peaks” which were like departments, where he was taken in. By this time he was an early teenager, and extremely behind the other students where he got some anger issues, inferiority complex and trauma. His brother/friend, Yue Qingyuan, was willing to help him, along with his brother from the medicinal peak but he was antisocial.

Fast forward Shen Jiu becomes the Peak Lord of his peak, and he finds a disciple who reminds him exactly of him. An orphan, was abused and bullied, and wanted to become strong- Luo Binghe. Here the plot divides, but I will not be diving into that. What I’m saying is, here Shen Jiu had two options.

You see, children enter the sect when they’re in their formative years/adolscence after passing a test. This Luo Binghe was very similar to Shen Jiu, except he wasn’t sold off, but was raised by a washerwoman. Here Shen Jiu had two options- to raise Luo Binghe better than he was, with love and care and respect, or treat him like he was treated- like disposable trash. Here you see the option one is given, and Shen Jiu chose the latter.

I’m feeling a little frustrated since yesterday evening. We went out to buy clothes, all of us. And I don’t like all of us going out together. It is stressful af, especially when buying clothes. My mum points out everyone’s weight. My dad, my sister, me and herself. Earlier she would look at strangers too, but now she’s stopped.

Why I wrote about Shen Jiu, is because of this. Shen Jiu, although refusing to help himself, could have chosen to not continue the cycle of abuse which he knew was there. My mother too, while consciously knowing what she says and does sometimes is bad, does not work on it. It triggers everyone, and I get stuck in the tension.

It took me a real hard time yesterday to not break down. After weeks I got reminded of my old image I had of myself.

You would think a teenage girl to feel pretty with herself, but what people call a “trend” of being skinny is nothing but insecurities that is glorified. A big fuck you to those who promote it. When I was 16, I already had stretch marks. I still do. I never thought much of them, and it’s hard to talk about too but since this a journal, I’m fine with writing it. For the first time in all the 5 years I’ve had them, because I was never able to maintain a constant weight. I would sometimes restrict my eating, get way too conscious of what I was eating and think being hungry would help me lose weight- this was me at 17.

For the first time in all the 5 years, at almost 20 now, I didn’t feel very good about my stretch marks, about myself. I felt very weak and vulnerable. At that moment Lilith came through, and she helped me keep my head up.

I do not understand, why she would continue to do something that had hurt her, and is hurting us. It confuses me, and it also confuses me feelings regarding her. I must bring distance for myself to grow, I knew that and Lord Belial had made it extremely clear.

I meditated with Michael yesterday. Uriel came for a few minutes, talked and left. Michael has given me an assignment to do, so I’ll be doing it today.

I also will talk to King Paimon about a few things.

That’s all for this entry, if there was anything else to add I forgot. I’ll see you all in the evening!
-:purple_heart:

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