[Onion's journal]

Just keep going, like you’ll always tell me :innocent:

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Hey, I’m sorry you went through that. Know that you are incredibly valuable and beautiful. I will always be here for you :heart::heart:

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9th October, 2021
8:20

Early morning chats with my higher self

I have been transitioning to angelic energies with Michael and Lucifer. Uriel came to chat for a bit then he left. We have talked before, when I was channelling him for a friend. It happened very quickly, he was strongly coming through while talking to a friend and…yep.

I tried invoking Lucifer on the 7th. The audio I planned to use was the one I had used when I was a dumb dumb witch who didn’t know shit about what invocations were :skull: Lucifer looked a little doubtful and asked," :grimacing: are you sure you’ll not pass out again?"

I said,“I might not.”

I did.

But it was better than last time. I still feel a barrier when I’m invoking, but I’m unsure if it’s a boundary separating us (invocation as two together, not one dominating the other) or if it’s me resisting the energy. The one I had least barrier feeling with was King Paimon when I invoked (or I guess I did, I was too stressed to understand how he was present), but damn trying to maintain it for 3 hours was exhausting. Every half hour I would take a break and do it again.

Coming back to today’s line in italic which is not a quote- I was talking to my higher self today morning and I’d like to share some insights I got from her:

Don’t mind the angry bird (I got it from a Gem’s Surpirise ball- I love those. I want one now).

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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11th October, and also for 10th October 2021,
18:19

A minute ago, I was extremely angry. I was I-will-punch-anything angry. I don’t really get this angry often. The last time it happened I broke a bit of my mirror, before that I’ve torn whole notebooks and broken pens. So I really don’t get very angry a lot, I get destructive or I get so angry I shut up. The latter usually happens when I’ve given up on the person who made me this angry.

I believe I’ve been on edge since tea time, at around 4pm. She said my forgetfulness has rubbed off on her. This is not the first time she has said this, and like the previous time I told her,“My forgetfulness is different than yours.” Then today she proceeded to say my forgetfulness was a way for me to escape tasks, an escapism method.

I was pissed, I said,“No” and nothing else. Just stared at her. She said I looked offended and thankfully my mum backed me up. Although she probably still looks at it like something else I’m grateful for this one thing.

What got me extremely angry right now is, I was painting. First, my sister interrupted me. Second, the tape I used tore a layer off the paper, including the painting. I got very upset, because I hate paper being torn by a layer. The painting I can make again, but the paperrr :grimacing:

Whenever I work with King Paimon, my family listens to me. Like, they listen to me. I’m forever grateful to King Paimon for it. It makes me a little happy that they listen. I still get talked over but hey, I’ll take what I get.

I’d like to talk a bit about JD’s video that was linked in the previous entry, of October 9th.

My gratefulness wheel is stuck. Be it when I did the commander in chief ritual (I don’t do it anymore), or anytime else. I can’t feel gratefulness, love. I have a hard time feeling it these days. Whenever anyone says “family” I roll my eyes. Whenever anyone says “love” I feel nothing. Those two words together, I turn my head. This aversion, this despise I am feeling- I don’t like it. I don’t, it confuses me and it makes me uneasy. JD’s video helped move the wheel a little bit. Helped me tap into some of the thankful emotions.

I guess all the trauma that I got during the whole process of getting into college has numbed me a little bit. I haven’t fully processed it. I still can’t talk about it. I get blamed for not opening up, but they fail to see that I don’t feel safe opening up to them. I am not to blame for something I cannot do.

I need to work through my shadow, and some past lives as well. There are many, and I feel like this will be my last incarnation. If it’s not, it better be. I’ll work for it.

King Paimon assigned a spirit to me yesterday. While I was getting worked up right now because of the anger, he helped me calm down. I requested him to store some of the energy, and thanked him.

I’m practicing astral projection with Michael. I need to strengthen my energy body more and work on my concentration. He also gave me tips on balancing the light and dark energies.

Gabriel came today, in the “be not afraid” form angels have because I was having trouble differentiating between Michael and him. It was pretty cool.

Day before yesterday I did the LBRP, I saw myself doing it in my dreams so I did it the first thing in the morning when I got the chance.

I was about to open readings today, but I’ll probably not.

That is all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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I’m always here for you when you’re ready❤.

Nice!

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This

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:eyes:?

thank you :purple_heart: @dagar

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12th October, 2021
19:52

Talked with Gabriel today morning. A casual talk on a few words. I did readings here. Slept in the afternoon. Traded scans with a friend.

I have some shadow work to catch up on. Went out today for a while. Regret not buying cotton candy.

Thank you Belam for giving me ideas and helping me with the readings.

Very short entry, my head hurts a little. Do listen to the song when you have the time. It is very poetic. It’s called “Zui” in Chinese, which means “drunk”. A song by Isabelle Huang. She has a very beautiful voice. Mao Buyi and Zhuo Shen too. Listen to Bu Ran ( 不染) (Unsullied) by Mao Buyi.

I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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13th October, 2021
18:03

I GOT A LAPTOPPPPPPP :dancer:

It has photoshop! I can learn digital art now! It was completely unexpected! It also has my favorite game! :sob::purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

Today though, my sister has been quite…snarky to say the least. I don’t like to say it but I really think she was jealous. Because

a) I got a laptop.
b) It’s costlier than the one she got (in 2013).
c) She thinks I get pampered being the youngest.
d) Was already a little pissed because we didn’t tell her where the shop is (2 two wheeler vehicles, me and my sis together).

I assumed that since we were talking about my laptop since Monday she’d know the shop but she didn’t so, welp. She snapped at me all afternoon. I think my mum talked with her or something, because she got a little nicer after that. She has openly admitted she gets jealous of things I get. Now me, I don’t ask for much. I don’t demand for stuff. If I can get things with my pocket money I get them with my pocket money! Be it stationery or chocolate or anything else. My parents are fine with me buying what I want with my pocket money, they buy the necessities, i.e, food, clothes, etc.

It was a little unsettling seeing my sister like that. I talked to King Paimon about it, telling him that I was feeling a little confused on what I was feeling regarding her. He said,“You’re not confused, you’re in denial.”

And you know what? He’s right.

While waiting in the shop as the shopkeeper packed everything in a bag, I got a little worried. That I’d lose the laptop, or break it or something bad happening to it. It was starting to get a little overwhelming to even look at the bag when Lucifer said,“Are you thinking you’re irresponsible or do you think you’re your sister?”

This is a sister-heavy entry today. I’ve realised and understood many things.

My sister has lost plenty of stuff. Plenty. From jewellery to her own laptop. She had/has a really bad habit of misplacing things. I am scattered in the sense that my stuff is not organized but it has a designated space.

I have travelled with my phone and earphones and not lost it. Wore my jewellery and not lost it. Carried important stuff in a train and not lost it. My anxiety leads me to checking things again and again so it’s a bonus :grimacing: I got a little less worried, and took this as me becoming responsible for my belongings.

Yesterday Lucifer pointed out me not being fully accepting of a “condition”.

I asked him,“Is it depression?”

“Which you do need to get checked for and therapy, but no.”

“Anxiety?”

“No”

“ADHD??”

“Bingo”

I was confused. I thought I had come to terms with it. Then he said:

“You preach mental care, but how kind are you to yourself?”

Two words: Called out.

He made me question a lot of things. He pointed out my “good” days. Where I did my chores on time, had free time, was able to do what I put my mind to. Then he asked,“What kind of day was it?”

“Normal”, I answered.

“Normal” here is the problem.

Was it not-normal if I didn’t do my chores on time? Was it not-normal to just be? What is not-normal about listening to my body and doing what is best? By me calling it normal, I was comparing that day to a neurotypical day.

Why? Because I thought,“A normal day” would look something like a regular day for a neurotypical person. Assuming non-Neurodivergence as “normal”. This is where I wasn’t accepting it. As I’m typing this, I’ve swtiched the leg I was swinging, because my other leg got tired.

Because on some days I do feel “broken” and “not normal”. Because I do fear the future sometimes, and I’m also afraid of forgetting. I’ve lost many relationships- both friends and romantic ones. Losing so many people, I fear that one day I’ll lose everyone I know too, and forget them. Be it spirit or human. The thought of growing out is fine, but the thought of forgetting…I don’t like it. It scares me, and it hurts me. Abandonment issues kicking in, eh?

I meditated today. Meditation was a bit chaotic. I chanted King Paimon’s enn but others also came along with him. Lucifer, Michael and Lilith. Meditated on my root chakra too.

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
-:purple_heart:

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Note: King Paimon and clarity.
Intraversion- specifically point of contact. Receiving subjective information, extraverting it to analyze.

“reflect, analyze, integrate”

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15th October 2021
22:27

Low energy, low dopamine since a few days. Lucifer helped a little last evening, but it didn’t work for long. It was enough to push me through dinner till I could sleep.

I have been unable to do much. I try meditating but I fall asleep instead. I’ve also been tired because we went out for navaratri and thr going out part is just tiring. Especially on top of me already having mood swings and my energy going to keep myself centered and not let it take over me. I narrowly avoided breaking something else yesterday.

I watched a video on Enochian, I’ve been very curious about that system and the djinn. I talked to King Paimon about the latter. He will be there if I do plan to go forward, but taking his advice I will wait before I do so.

I’m in a state of limbo regarding magick. I haven’t done a lot of spells. I did 3 using tarot, all brought results immediately. I got results with one before I even performed it. Then there was the whole planned out working for my college. Other than that, not much. I’m not unhappy with what I have, but for things I do want I’ll have to move out. Which means waiting for college to begin offline when the pandemic’s effect is lower. It is partially out of my hands.

I will do an unblocking ritual for my sister soon. Her income has been stuck for years now and it sucks seeing her stuck because I want her out for the sake of her own sanity and peace. Fr. So I’ve also been reading up about what I can do.

Did a reading for myself with Lucifer today.

Hopefully tomorrow I feel a little better. Good night everyone. I hope everyone has a good day.
-:purple_heart:

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Sleep tight my friend…

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16th October, 2021
22:04

Okay, okay. I am writing this, just before going to sleep. I had stuff do to today, I wasn’t able to do everything. But I was able to do something.

I got through today. Hanged in there, I got through it. I switched between things, played a bit to relax and get my dopamine up. Worked for a while then it was down again.

Not feeling too good right now. I will sleep soon.

Meditated with King Paimon today.

That’s all for this entry. Good night everyone.

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