Pretty sure I cried the ocean that day 
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21st September, 2021
17:35
“Your weakest moment is the one where you’re the strongest.”
“Like that proverb??”
“It is not wrong ¯_(ツ)_/¯”
-Lucifer
Today, today I am frustrated. Very very frustrated and angry. Very. Everything somehow ends up being my fault, or because I don’t know something. Fuck you, I know my stuff. You don’t give me a chance and me trying to convince you to give it is a waste of my energy. I’m legit surprised I haven’t been told it’s raining because of me today.
I was angry, then I was sad. Now I’m fine, but if it was me a few months back or last year is immediately think “maybe I don’t know it, maybe I am dumb”. Added to the fact that god knows why my parents and probably sister still think I chose psycology because I’m not smart enough for science. A very big fuck you 
Again, I was really sad. I’ve also been doing many chores. Right after I was done arranging the dishes Lucifer came to ask me if I was okay. I didn’t like it. I didn’t not like Lucifer asking me if I was okay, I didn’t like that the only ones asking me if I’m okay are my friends and the spirits I work with.
Ah my sister just came home after a month 
bye bye late night meditations, bye bye doing spells at 2am, bye bye watching magick videos on speaker…damn.
The latest news is that my mum is considering getting me a laptop. I need one, my eyes can’t take classes on a phone screen. We can get one in EMI. Time for 
magick .
Meditated by myself today. I’m unable ti understand if I’m going in a really deep trance or falling asleep, because my body feels like it’ll fall asleep but my mind is wide awake.
I’m making an oracle deck with Azazel, we bounced a few ideas off of each other. We will first make a list, then I’ll get to the art. His guide, my art. Sort of like that, but it’s collaborative.
Did a working for a friend.
Idk what dinner is, I sure hope it’s good. I hope everyone has a good day!
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Fuck. Im sorry. You know I’m always here for you right?
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Yes
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24th September,2021
17:13
“Not everything in life is a lesson. Some people are just assholes.”
-Michael
Hello everybody, I have been slacking. Just a teeny tiny bit. I meditated today but I fell asleep with the enn playing. Had some vivid dreams, but I don’t remember them.
Astaroth’s name was everywhere in my dream last night, and so is Aeshma’s name in this mundane life. I will contact King Paimon today, to work out the whats, whens and hows for college. I did talk to him today morning, but for something else.
Since the past few days my mother has been going on and on about me needing to lose my tummy and getting a flat stomach, because apparently having a flat stomach means I’m “healthy” 
. I had to bite my tongue, I almost laughed at her face. I’m getting bored and tired of them talking shit about me in front of me, and then wondering I don’t talk to them but I’m so “normal” and functional alone.
Michael had offered to intervene last night, because things had gotten a bit too much and a statement by my mother heavily triggered me:
“You just zone out, might as well zone out and forget pursuing higher education.”
I got really pissed at that, which brings us to today’s quote, which Michael told me yesterday. I can’t wait to move out and get to live my life away from these people.
Today I meditated with Azazel’s enn. Did the readings I had opened yesterday, and have anothe reading left to do. I’m soon going to learn reading with more cards. I have also started to understand cards without looking at the guidebook. When I get it fully, I have some plans.
I think this is all for now 
I hope everyone has a good day!
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God what a fucking bitch😖. I get the idea of being healthy but that’s not the fucking way to do it Jesus.
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fuck that’s so rude and dismissive wtf. And you have adhd!!
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She’d rather me be lazy than have ADHD
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Ugggghh. Why are people so fucking annoying
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That quote from Michael rings true… Sorry to hear about your mother, you don’t need that kind of energy especially with all the progress you’ve created. I hope your education goes smoothly - fighting!
Astaroth is a great spirit to be around… From what I’ve read they’re usually a spirit that initiates a person into pathworking. In my experiences Astaroth has an even temperament and a unique voice and is protective. Will point out stuff I’ve never noticed.
I hope you get to move out soon!
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Yes, Michael fascinates me sometimes. He doesn’t talk seriously too much, but when he does it hits me like a truck. I had trouble understanding my progress, and what he said made it very clear to me. I’m someone who internalizes issues, and I was also starting to internalize my situation, thinking it was somehow an error in my ways I am being treated the way I am. Michael came in pretty strongly.
Ooo I haven’t read about Astaroth yet, I really should. Thank you for the insight, and for your well wishes
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Due to my tarot spirits project, I found today a blind in Shemhamphoresh for the Ten of Cups, Michael is actually Michael.
Try calling on Michael by gazing at the whole Ten of Cups as if it were a sigil.
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I was having a discussion with his name yesterday, asking him how he would prefer me to call him (I usually use the Hebrew pronunciations). What I got was a mix of both, the Hebrew pronunciation but the -ael was a little short like the English Ten of Cups, I’ll give it a try. Thank you!
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25th September, 2021
21:35
Today was a busy day. I was running errands almost all day today. Meditated with Aeshma’s enn. I should stop meditating using enns on YouTube, because I jolt myself and “wake up” pretty quickly using them. Everytime it’s exactly at 15 minutes. If this can be a sign or anything let me know please, because I can’t make head or tails of it. Today I woke up at 11 minutes.
The whole day I’ve been surrounded by blue and Michael’s name everywhere. His presence is a lot more prominent these days, especially today.
That’s all for now, I’m heading off to sleep. I have some college stuff to do tomorrow, so idk if I’ll update the journal tomorrow. We’ll see. Good night everyone, I hope you have a good day ahead!
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Early morning thoughts, 27th September 2021
7:53
My mum is dull again, but I can’t say if it’s because she’s having a bad mental health day, or if she’s hung up on some issue or the other. Most of the times it’s an issue, and it makes me walk on eggshells. Because whenever it is it results in an hour long lecture of how we, of how I don’t do anything around the house.
I went to the college yesterday for verifications, and was told that I have to give a test when it happens. I’ll have to talk to my coordinator about it. I have my college email now, so I’ll directly mail him instead of always calling him from my mother’s phone (hers is the number that was given to college, she thinks we’ll hide something if we have direct communication stuff with them or something, paranoia imo).
I’m back on walking on eggshells again, I just don’t know if I ever reverted back to survival mode. I don’t want to. Now that classes will start soon I will be left alone when they do, but I hate how suffocating it is here. I feel like the old me I had left behind, the one always on edge, trying to manage all sides so that all hell doesn’t break loose and just, emotionally draining myself, is coming back. I’m starting to think it’s a nervous response, the trigger being my mother.
I tell my sister repeatedly, find a place and move out. You’ll go crazy here. But she always says she doesn’t want to live in rent. She wants a proper house. It takes time, I say, when things settle for her, get out even if it’s 1 room. I don’t know if she does feel suffocated like me or if she’s a masochist that way.
I will move out, I don’t want to be here. Happy moments are fine, but the bad and hurtful ones heavily overweigh the good.
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I hear you and know how that is. Hang in there k and take it one day at a time.
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Thank you
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Fuck. I know how happy you had gotten. It’s bs that they’re taking that away from you again. I’m always here for you if you need me❤
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You’re really having it rough and I don’t have a lot to chip in but I believe the days ahead are brighter…
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They will be I appreciate your comment
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