I figured out some meditation technique. I wan’t sold on meditating for a hundred years so I could use it to kill my own ego, so I tried out an alternate technique based on Sam Vaknin videos and Cthulhu Mythos.
What I did was evoke Azathoth and or Giygas Nyarlathotep, and treat everything I could sense like it was in my mind like Vaknin said a narcissist would. (All attempts to evoke Azathoth probably get fulfilled by Nyarlathotep)
It worked for me. I didn’t like the information I got from it though. I got the message that my node was cut off from greatness because of a mistake I made 10 years ago where I dipped my toe into institutional power instead of trusting my gut and looking for a more efficient path, and that I am not going to catch up to people who got a tailwind from the institutions.
What I can do instead is strive for mediocrity. I will be able to produce art and tech without seizing up again, and I won’t have any restrictions on how prolific I can be or how vindictive the content is. Since then I got the new LCD assembly on my Thinkpad x201 which was on my todo list since February even though it took me a couple days to finish, and I am journaling a little bit. I am starting to suspect that I am chaotically aligned.
I tried out an odd divination method. The Who is your Anime Waifu? quiz. I got Blanc as a result. I didn’t know anything about Blanc. Turns out she(s) is a lead the Hyperdimension Neptunia series. I cross referenced articles about Blanc and found this comment under a wiki entry.
I just noticed that Blanc and Noire are like fire and ice. Noire is fire because she is a Tsundere and gets angry with the people she cares about. And Blanc. Is ice because she is a Kuudere and acts cold blunt and cynical.
I looked up Kuudere and the definition applies to me too. I found out interesting information by going down a rabbit hole spawned by a fun, odd, divination method.
Eris usually appears to me as an original character that calls themselves Britney Albright. She usually appears to me like Reika Kitami dressed as a Wesnoth White mage. If she was a Dungeons & Dragons character, she would a Female variant human, Her main class would be Glamorous Bard. She is a bassist. We talk via telepathy.
I only identify them as Eris via a scan.
She is a Kuudere that is very charismatic, but manipulative and self destructive. Her objective is to prevent a crisis but she acts like an anti-villain to do it. She wants me to collaborate with her as an IlluminousBureaucrat. What I would do is apply the order gray face isn’t applying. She won’t allow me go any further unless I come clean about myself because she says I am not honest enough.
I have a highly narcissistic style and use false selves to suppress it like Freeza’s power limiting forms. I am obsessed with Eris because I find the narcissistic traits very attractive. I try to hide both my narcissistic style and my attraction because society may disprove of it. To put it in a way not covered negging from psychiatric institutions, I am a Kuudere that likes Kuuderes. No amount of therapy is going to change that, so society is going to have to adapt to me now.
This is Eris from the cover of Discordian Disco by Filmaker. It is only by happenstance that Britney looks like her.
Doing the Goddess good/evil work! I love the idea of the Illuminous Bureaucrat, she wants me to do similar I think with my ETCC (Erisian Transdimensional Contact Committee). It takes someone who truly knows disorder to understand my order is important.
This is just some bullshit! I spend months mining myself and purging my false self to find my real personality and a couple of psychiatrists come around and one day in one a one two combo dismiss it all as a pile of defense mechanisms with nothing behind it. Is it appropriate for me or is it more accurate for me to describe myself as a structure that magnifies part of the culture around me, like a crystal or a magnifying glass?
Even if I assume all of the premises in their framework neither them, or their compatriots will give me permission to wipe myself out. Why? Because it is bad for business.
Let’s look at some of Eric R. Maisel Ph.D. articles on Psychology Today. Lots of articles on creativity and purpose, and how bad authoritarians are, but no articles on what to do if you just happen to be authoritarian yourself when he believes per his interview with Seth Andrews that 1/4 of the population is authoritarian. Yeah, there are lots of psychiatry bashing articles too, but that is just a long running trend.
I legitimately believe that The entire world is crazy and corrupt and people just don’t want to admit it, but these guys won’t address it because it is bad for business. Psychiatrists get more money and more attention if they keep everyone in a state of being broken. The whole thing is less about fixing anyone than it is a competition to collect people into your ranks, that is why cults and religions have their own psychiatrists, comedians, motivational speakers, priests, bards etc. and compete for members.
Covert Borderline may be a better description of my personality than narcissistic style. It also sounds cool because covert makes everything sound cool.
I wonder if there are combinations of disfunctional people that looks superficiality functional.
This Conversation between Guy Sengstock and Sam Vaknin is pure gold. I wish I had a transcript of it, but I am going to in a few notes right now.
Narcissism
Psychosis
Martin Heidegger
Friedrich Nietzsche
The Other
The Self
Sam Vaknin says psychology is a subset of philosophy. It agree’s with Bill Gaede’s definition from The Rope Hypothesis, Appendix 2.
Science has two branches: Philosophy and Physics. Philosophy
attempts to explain purposes and reasons. Its building block is
the concept. Physics attempts to explain causes and
mechanisms. Its building block is the object. The scope of this
book is limited to Physics.
I was reading The Witch as Teacher in Fairy Tales: Discovering the Esoteric Truth Hidden in Ancient Fairy Tales by Nuria Daly. Freya was mentioned int the book so I looked her up because she reminded me of Eris.
Riddle me this. I found a Freya interpretation that looks like the Vert Blanc fusion. Interesting.
I have a vision of a modified FreeCiv that had a Wesnoth-like hex tile set and a Neptunia like presentation. I think Eris ran a nation, but for some reason the very idea of an Erisian nation causes me massive resistance.
David’s magical thinking was on point. His power of belief made it possible for him to be a successful entrepreneur. The show also realized what science does, so I have another working definition for it.
science : the process for detecting invariance of a universe
This new definition has some working assumptions that makes it easier for me to use as an artistengineer.
Assumes more than one universe.
Allows me to measure the difference between 2 universes.
Does not assume the need for an institution which a term like systematic enterprise would imply.
Assumes universes are malleable.
Allows me to measure how good a scientific process is based on data.
I have a derivative definition of universe based on Bill Gaede’s book, The Rope Hypothesis.
definition : a set of criteria that limits the extent or usage
of a word object : that which has shape concept : a word that invokes or embodies two objects or
more objects distance : separation between two objects location : the set of distances from one object to all others motion : two or more locations of an object; to move exist : an object that has location; physical presence universe : a set of objects that have physical presence with each other
Now I can say an instance of Pokemon Gold is a Universe and an instance of Pokemon Silver is a universe. Now I have a problem. They both has physical presence with each other but only conditionally such as doing a trade.
multiverse : a set of objects that conditionally have physical presence with each other.
I also have a working definition for religion.
religion : the process of manipulating variance of a universe
What they do is take data and models and attempt to poof them away by playing peekaboo. It is bad because it is limiting your own power unnecessarily. You can leverage invariance to your own advantage.
There are 2 ways to control a universe, physical manipulation around invariance and demagogic manipulation everywhere else.
