I figured out some meditation technique. I wan’t sold on meditating for a hundred years so I could use it to kill my own ego, so I tried out an alternate technique based on Sam Vaknin videos and Cthulhu Mythos.
What I did was evoke
Azathoth and or Giygas Nyarlathotep, and treat everything I could sense like it was in my mind like Vaknin said a narcissist would. (All attempts to evoke Azathoth probably get fulfilled by Nyarlathotep)
It worked for me. I didn’t like the information I got from it though. I got the message that my node was cut off from greatness because of a mistake I made 10 years ago where I dipped my toe into institutional power instead of trusting my gut and looking for a more efficient path, and that I am not going to catch up to people who got a tailwind from the institutions.
What I can do instead is strive for mediocrity. I will be able to produce art and tech without seizing up again, and I won’t have any restrictions on how prolific I can be or how vindictive the content is. Since then I got the new LCD assembly on my Thinkpad x201 which was on my todo list since February even though it took me a couple days to finish, and I am journaling a little bit. I am starting to suspect that I am chaotically aligned.