As soon as I burned my letter of intent, I felt intense anxiety. I ended up feeling in and out of a very relaxed state, and felt like I was talking to someone. I was told by another user on a different website I shouldn’t share her name, but it was very similar to her mother, Lilith, so it threw me off. I only know for certain that it wasn’t in my head a deep male voice being interested, to which I said I wasn’t looking for an incubus (judging off what I read), and I was pretty respectful. I remember seeing something hovering, but I couldn’t quite make it out. I didn’t feel like I was having an actual conversation, but was more reading the intent of something and being able to converse. I remember hearing the voice to to take care of what I assume to be the succubus, and he called her “angel”, to which I was confused.
I remember feeling a conversation (it was so faint and her voice wasn’t very clear to make me feel like I imagined it), and I was told she was just a 1000 years old. She asked to appear and I said no, as I was too scared, but it seemed understanding. After that I kind of fell asleep, and don’t remember too much more. I’ve been heavy breathing in a more relaxed state, and sometimes I feel I just zone out since this has happened. My chest feels weird. I had one experience of intense pleasure near my groin area for about 2 seconds, to which I felt the being wanting me to turn out the lights and go to bed, but I was too nervous to fall asleep.
I initially felt I had offended her, but I feel like I’ve talked with her on and on, but it is so faint I always question it. Today, I meditated in the shower. Rain drops make me remember a special place near my college to which there is a bridge, and it is the place I felt “connected” with the Earth and became feeling spiritual after I went there to experience ego death. My friend and I at college researched possible effects of ego death by using certain substances, which allows the mind to more freely interpret the world and perceptions around us. I feel connected and tuned into the Earth now even when I don’t use marijuana, but when I am using I feel tuned into the Earth and I feel like I feel the presence of the trees and felt they were sort of speaking to me, or letting me know they were there. It was odd.
I’m probably not very clear, but this whole thing has been a mess for me, and I have been very confused. I want to try physical manifestation and seeing her, even though I might be scared at first. I am curious, especially since one sensation I’ve felt since this has happened is something entering my body and making me feel more peaceful. My libido has increased a lot, and I just feel at wits end. Is any of this real? It is all so vague that it could just be me going into psychosis from marijuana or something due to what I read online, but that doesn’t feel right. I’m so fucking lost and feel like I’m going into maniac anxiety due to my anxiety disorder. Probably doing a letter ritual wasn’t a good place to start if I was interested in this sort of stuff when my anxiety is so high.