New desperate and furious. My story

New Magician Help & Introductions
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Hi to the community. English is not my native language so forgive any grammar mistakes.
My name is Claudia, I’m a transgender women, 30 yo.
I was born from a catholic nun who renounced her votes after 15 years and a men who was virgin when he created me.
Being disphoric about my gender since I was 3, changed sex at 18 and lived as a stealth women since. My biological male name was bible related.
Started practicing black magic at 15, desperately trying to make my body “real”, trying to make pacts here and there to have the body of a women.
As u can imagine I grew up in a very strict catholic family, so I tried my best to hide all of this.
So, my experience…I was pretty good w black magic, divination and clairvoyant. At 16 I was able to hurt anyone I wanted, made a few broke legs or arms, balding a girl who harassed me in school, made fall in love “artificially” straight men w me etc.
I was also able to cast love spell on other for personal gain. But it wasn’t enough. This was dictated by the rage I was experiencing being transgender so I went further.

I began to summon demons and pledged my soul to Lucifer at 17, as long he would gave me ANYTHING. A new, immortal body, power. He was obviously too powerful to handle for me and didn’t answer “properly” so when I was studying the kings of hell my eyes went on Asmodeus. For some unknown reason his name, his sigil spoke to me. So I began being obsessed w him.
I’ve drawn his sigil in blood on the floor and sit in it begging him. For the next 3 days an eye appeared on my left hand, blinking at me. At night, 3 o clock sharp the sound of a howl can be heard in my room only. All of this for 3 days.
I was terrified. So what a stupid 17 yo can do? I dissolved my invocation asking god to forgave me.

Now, all the shit went wrong from that time.
Economic disasters, family loss, my mom went blind, my dad died, all my relationships broken.
I suffered from depression, opiates addiction, sex addiction. U name it.
But at the same time I’ve felt some kind of presence, a protection. I could literally had died multiple times but somewhat managed to survive. I’m beautiful, I look like a 25 yo and my face looks like frozen in time. I believe in god but so I believe in Lucifer. I’m torn between them.
For all this time I tried my best to be a good Christian, I know I’m a good person, but I always feel HE is watching me. I don’t know how to explain. I fell like I’ve been chosen. Don’t know for what.
I just feel in my bone this presence, this something who talk to me.
When I was little I was doing this game: I was pretending to be two different personalities, one good and one bad. The bad one protected me from the fragile little good one. When the good one asked a question, the bad one answered always told her what to do. But I can feel the bad one wasn’t me answering it.

This is still going on today. Whenever I ask myself a question, I respond knowing it’s not fully me. Do u get it? I hope.

So I’m here, trapped w all kinds of problem, asking god why he would allow this. And then almost immediately my other side emerge and tell me that I belong to lucifer, that I’m a chosen one. Sound crazy right?
I don’t know if Asmodeus never leave, if my soul pledge was accepted or not. I know nothing.
All I know is that I’m desperate for some answer, because if my soul is indeed bind to Lucifer, I just want to accept it and move along.

C-

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I have no advice, but I’m bumping this to see what more experienced practicioners tell you. I’m hoping you receive the peace you deserve.

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Thank u so much :black_heart:

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Welcome to the forum.

As a general rule of thumb, people shouldn’t make pacts if they can’t hear spirits. Otherwise… how do you know if it was accepted or not?

Second, Asmodeous may have visited you, but I’m not sure if you meant as if HE is watching you all the time or if you said that about the biblical Yavéh.

Third, it seems there is a lot of distress in your life. So, a little word of advice, work on solving that first. Otherwise, you’ll be dragging some stuff forever.

And don’t worry about your grammar, many of us aren’t native English speakers. Everyone is okay with this simple fact.

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Thank u for your response.
I’ve meant Asmodeus watching over. It’s a constant presence but I can’t tell if it’s him or not cause I won’t dare to ask.

I would also make some edit as u can probably have some more clues:

When I was 6 years old I’ve found a chunk of red hair under my bed, all in my family are blonde hair. My mom had no clue and thought it was a joke from me.

Some time later I could feel someone sitting at the bottom of my bed, too scared to look up (I was around 7,8). In that time the clock in the living room slow down the “tocks”

When reading palms I had to touch the head of the person to feel them, images upon images flashed in my mind. I wasn’t able to tell the future but the past. I’ve been able to see rapes, abuse, and accidents the person in front of me had experienced. Also I’ve made remember some girls the abuse they suffered as toddlers that they removed.

As for the pact, or summon, I’ve felt the energy, I don’t know if I can talk to spirit, but I’m sure of the visual and sound I’ve experienced.

My life is a pretty effing mess, yes, but my guts tell me it’s related to something I did.

C-

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Then your first step should be to vanish. Do something deep. Maybe daily for a week, or a month if you want. One time may be enough, but doing it more won’t hurt you and probably will make you feel better.

Then you can use one or several tools (tarot and similar) to try to determine if you’re having issues because something you did and, if that’s the case, the exact thing you did.

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I recommend going to one of our scan trade threads, trade some scan’s with people looking to pick up what spirits are around you. Also look for a free tarot reading. Divination can help in finding out more of what’s around you, and whats causing the issues in your life if just bad luck or something you actually caused inadvertently.

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They also believe in each other. Lucifer is not inherently evil, just as God has His Wrath and His mercy Lucifer also has 2 sides, one where he is the bringer of light and the other is called Saturnian, here’s a link, though there are many

Several points in your story are contradictory nevertheless. At various times you claim, without reservation, you’ve summoned the powers to be able to cause physical harm to other people, though at the Same time you are stating you aren’t at all aware of the full on presence of your entities? Demand them. Command them. You can’t buckle. You can deal it, you can take it— otherwise, don’t do baneful things if you don’t know how to protect yourself first. You need to acquire a guardian before throwing yourselves to the hounds of hell, using the powers you’ve opened up to attack other’s and then cower when it comes for you. In regard to your adamant statements of knowing you’ve caused harm to other’s, therein lies another hypocracy in attempting to sell yourself as having ever attempt being a good “Christian?” Hell, what denomination is that?

I am not saying it is impossible that you might not retain a born gift to skirt between the veils, but what I am seeing here, what you’re admitting to in several of your own examples is that you are a dual or two-faced sort of person. Do you divination, demand they name or show themselves— you had them show themselves to other’s and for what petty reasons, who knows other than you, but I’m sure you’re now aware the consequences weren’t worth the unbalanced things you caused to other’s. You need to offer your gratitude and it has to be your own, not another person, not some poor chicken or cat, but your own, of none other than yourself, to show them how far you are willing to sacrifice your own likes, loves and comforts for their work. You don’t get it just because they like you, lol, they’ll find a way to get what they deem payment, so don’t mess with these until you know all sides because they can be tricksters and have no shame in taking from a highly vulnerable human being.

(Edited in a little later …)

If you feel your bond and safety (comfort) lie with Lucifer, keep him happy to maintain him as your guardian.

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@magiluz so you are practically saying I’ve sold myself, being a coward and now I’m paying for my disrespect. Am I right?
I know what powers of what entity I ve used, but steppin it back caused harm to myself? Shit.
What if through divination he show himself? Should I owned it? Should I say “sorry”? Is my own blood offering enough to calm the waters?
I know I have a double face, in fact I’ve wrote about it when I describe the game I do since I was little.
One side of me is peaceful, emphatic, generous, the other is awful, rage and vindictive.
When I’ve offered my soul and blood everything was fine, but the moment I’ve turned to god for redemption all crushed and burned. Is this the coward part?
I know I did some pretty messed up things to other, and never payed the price. Or maybe I’m already paying who knows, I just want to know which side I own, just to be in peace w myself.
Thank u for your reply.
C-