You have 2 options:
Either you’ll remove the entity you work with from your life and try to balance those energies of self loathing and regret by calling upon some more “lighter” energies, such as a deity
or
You’ll man up and stop nagging about the situation you’re currently in and use everything you experience to grow.
In any case, ground, banish, smudge, meditate. Rinse and repeat. Use this
and this
On another note, this sounds more like a journal, would you like me to move it to the appropriate section?