Let someone else help start me on a working with belial about a month and a half ago.
All I know is the last 40 or so days of my life have been hell. Seeing all my vulnerabilities and problems. My strengths have become my weaknesses.
There is one thing that keeps popping up. I dont know if Belial is fucking with me or not or if this is his way of applying pressure and teasing me.
Additionally i was very disrespectful of him in the beginning which he said he knew would happen. Maybe hes still pissed about it though.
This one fucking recurring theme he teases me with, he says im gonna fucking go gay. He says hes gonna keep torturing me with “the truth” and Im not fucking gay. I find women attractive and in fact spent so much of my resources and wasted so much of my life going after women. He wants me to ask out this fucking dude. While i admit i have some sexual curiosity for men Im not fucking gay.
Also hes weakened me and made me feel fucking powerless. Hes put me in a realm very unique and made special for me. He said he watched me for a few years to create this special little hell for me to play in.
My energy and my free will feel fucking gone. I feel so fucking weak and powerless. So much of my life is the same pattern over and over. But i must resist. Resist resist. Must resist this pattern.
He showed me my problems.
He showed me many possible choices. Perhaps hes trying to scare me into being my own master… He said jail death psych ward minister to prisoners robber murderer bank robber or a few regular occupations or male prostitute.
Hes fucking made me sick, weak, powerless, and how can i trust the Never Ascending one.
I asked to see my own shadow, face my own karma. I cant fucking understand how i coild be so stupid. What a stupid fucking ask. Why couldnt I have just asked for one thing at a time. Why coildnt i just said
“Hey. Mr Belial. Thanks for watcing out for me as a kid. Thanks for ruining my life a few times, I guess, coulr you maybe… Ya know… Make me good with women? Tanks -your friend Aaron!”
Instead Im stuck in a fucking repeating pattern.
Ive already seen the future. He told me every thought every mistake i made. He told me id make this post. And word for word too. And everything he has said has been fucking right.
I told him to not let me resist my own destiny and to quicken it too, pretty fucking stupid.
Why? Why? Why?
Resist… Even though it doesnt help.
What have i done?