Hello, I’ve recently been going through the most emotionally tumultuous time in my life and could use some advice/outside perspective. I don’t want to write an essay (essay incoming) but my story is that I’ve always been the introverted and reserved type, always believing I was destined to be alone - then I met this girl seven years ago now that I truly believe is the one for me. We hit it off and had amazing times together creating memories, never fighting, compatible in all areas, the best loving relationship anyone could ask for. I feel incredibly grateful for that.
We connected on the physical, emotional, and spiritual levels. She always had an interest and dabbled in Wicca, and could understand me in talks of magick, the occult, and demonolatry. We got pregnant in early 2020 and adapted to becoming parents. This led to me straying away from witchcraft and this side of reality to focus on preparing myself to be a father.
I discovered that with my partner’s support I could be a great father and enjoyed it despite having doubts. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman so I asked her to marry me in summer 2021, she said yes. However by the end of that year I was in a dark place mentally with addiction. I don’t want to go into details but I had some issues that caused me to betray her trust a couple times. It was a complicated situation and since then it’s still the most regretful and guilty time of my life - I am not proud of myself. I hurt her causing feelings of resentment, anger, inadequacy, and others. And I never blamed her for any of it.
We talked about it and stuck it out because we both agreed to put those times and feelings behind us for the betterment of our love and family. In October 2022 we got married. That year went well, and it wasn’t until the past spring that something happened to trigger those past feelings inside her despite it not being the truth. Because of our past issues it brought her to doubt and distrust my intentions and words, though I was completely open to her. There was no convincing her of the misunderstanding because we were not able to communicate effectively about any of this, and I know that’s what held us back.
I feel so bad cause I could tell she struggled internally between loving me and still having anxieties/worry. She came to express that she needed some space to get over some things and wanted to move out while we share our son. She is not looking for love elsewhere, but needs independence and to find happiness in herself. I was very understanding and said I’m in full support of it. That was in June. We got along on the days we’d see each other and hang out as a family but I could tell there was more distance from her.
Now in this time I’d started to be drawn to Dantalion. I began thinking about developing a friendship with him and invite him to help with an eventual ritual to heal romantic relationships. She went to therapy for a little but told me she feels like she cannot resolve the trauma. Well last week she told me that she still loves me in some ways but cannot continue with us, and let me know she filed for divorce. I pleaded with her to tackle this situation as a team and go to counseling or do whatever it takes to save our marriage but she said she didn’t have it in her. I was/am devastated and we both cried together, and we agreed on supporting each other and co-parenting in a healthy way.
I am still thinking of her and Dantalion everyday. And the days we are together with our son, we laugh and talk as we used to. I’m using this time to get back into meditation and practice in order to better myself. I guess this is all to say that I feel drawn to influence this situation but am unsure if it would really be right to do it. I want to respect her wishes for finding herself again, and also truly feel that our bond can be saved and we could come back together in time. It breaks my heart to think of our sweet toddler being pulled in two different directions during his upbringing never knowing a true home. All I want is for us to be in a fully loving relationship again and together as a family. I still love her deeply and have taken all this emotional pain, distress, and inner strife with embrace, learning any lesson I can. I know we want the same things but it seems like her residual feelings are getting in the way. I can tell she still loves me deep down but I am a wreck, broken up about it and feeling lost - I would do literally anything to have her back. I plan to continue sitting with it in time but could really use another voice or opinion because I am alone without the family I’ve built. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading, sincerely.
If you are worried about influencing your partner in regards of reconciliation but if you’d like to help her out in the trauma response department I can recommend Buer. I am currently in the middle of working over my own trauma responses, stemming from decades old PTSD that tends to bleed over into social interactions from my side. Buer helped me to recognize my own patterns and their sources and it helps me to re-direct my attention and my thoughts before reacting to something. I could imagine that she will be able to discern in between current interactions with you vs. the past hurt over your past actions. This might help in terms of finding a way of unity in your partnership.
I wish you guys the best!