It’s good that your getting help. Stay on that track and start in contact with your doctors:two_hearts:
Crazy month at the hospital and will post in more detail eventually but had a bunch of strangely vivid dreams or maybe something more.
The green flames seemed to follow and continue burning in my heart as I start recovering too. I wonder if they’re a part of me now or always were and just got “unlocked” last month under pressure
Feeling some push from Arachne, and others towards serious shadow work
Night 10 of extra-vivid lucid dreams:
The torture restaurant-
I was on some kind of human sized skewer with IV needles everywhere and the kinda cartoon vampires seen in movies typically were gathering around in this underground nightclub where this restaurant (with all kinds of people kept in similar states for feeding). It was really painful I can still feel the soreness where each needle was loosely placed
As it ended I heard the same guy from two nights ago (who was previously dressed in a suit and offered to show me his social security number to which I declined interest in) say “well at least you helped me find a solution to all this that doesn’t involve DNA”
There was more I will eventually add whatever I can remember. The county facility I was at didn’t let us keep pencils or pens because they could be utilized as weapons
I think I felt Beelzebub and Arachne around a few times. continued presence in the first couple hospitals I was at. I transferred from place to place until ending up at the county facility and started to wonder if there is some kind of weird witch-hunt that aims to put witches in jail. And since I hadn’t committed a crime at all, questioned if I had some degree of identity theft
Continued noticing weirdly timely weather changes associated with intense mood fluctuations, especially rage With storms or intense heat
I think I was possessed briefly by a disgruntled spirit (looked like a greasy security guard when I saw him in a reflection) and heard the presence leaving me after going through a hospital where they had rabbis in the ER which was odd. It said in a raspy voice “No” angrily a few times
Remembering how often the weather would unpredictably fluctuate regardless of whatever the forecast was e.g. whenever that heartbreak of losing Baby crept back in the skies would often break into a heavy downpour of rain and when mixed with anger, cooincided with thunderstorms.
I initially thought it was all just cooincidental weird timing. However there were so many weirdly synchronicitous incidents that pointed at something more than just random cooincidence.
War - racial violence upsurge in the country + race wars broke out both macrocosmically (sometimes we were allowed to watch the news and there’s seemingly an upsurge of racial violence where I live, I dunno for sure as I have been mostly cut off from the outside world for about a month) and microcosmically (at the county facility, we eventually formed these “race gangs”. I attempted to stay neutral as the only Asian person, and somehow found myself welcomed by nearly all the “gangs” so neutrality was successful?), Intense blackouts during which I think I soul travelled to very different dimensions for “training” or lessons of sorts cooincided with more violence and eerie synchronicities in the local news again. Those blackouts were usually accompanied by weird movements and mudras in my physical body (as well as being wide eyed and seemingly awake but to me it was just like dreaming and not being able to wake up) but I don’t remember anything. It’s unsettling not knowing. One person showed me a couple signs I made with my hands and I dunno what they mean.
Fentanyl was once my drug addiction (celebrating a year clean in 10 days- lots of shadow work on that front) and hearing about all the recent ODs/deaths was surreal as I had my own near death experience while at the first hospital I was at.
The second hospital had some rabbis in the ER where I was held. Swarms of people were outside trying to get in, some press (still don’t have a clue how so many people cared about this little Asian woman shouting about a dead cat and witchery, potential possession by an unfriendly spirit, but letting that go)? I think they ended up helping me with exorcising that spirit, a greasy disgruntled sticky and medium-tall security guard but unsure really because I have amnesia for pretty much that whole weak from 5/1-5/8.
Unable to leave because my stay was court ordered despite that I haven’t committed any crimes (I’m in this trial thing I have no idea what it’s about, as a key witness) I had a feeling about government involvement, felt like I was being weaponized myself. The witch hunt had transpired into what I saw on TV (news channel used in facility) as “Havana syndrome” (I think due to all the people escaping NYC for vacation spots) NYC is my home at the moment so it was just sad watching it blow up into a violent mess lately.
Funny the last day there was a movie on about Vin Diesel hunting down a coven so they could put all the powerful witches in jail (whoever controlled the TV has terrible taste). I’ll add more as I remember more. The synchronicities were just endless seemingly throughout the past month (again the communal TV just played daytime talk shows, some local and global news, occasionally bad movies/reality TV).
The green flames I summoned last month with the litany for hellfire around the time of Baby’s death continue to burn, though they’ve changed and don’t turn me into a crazy rage monster or anything like that
Should I fear myself and go completely mundane or embrace and explore this new/unveiled reality carefully? How and when can I do so safely without getting stuck in a state again? Complying with medications now despite how heavy-duty the cocktail is. At least whatever I can still sense/see I can know is real and not imagined/a thought form or something
Hopefully my memories come back to me
A part of me still wondering WTF just happened? This was the weirdest hospital experience ever. At one point I was near death and CPR brought me back. I was a vegetable briefly and had some wild dreams/visions including a magickal obstacle course of sorts through a multidimensional traveling lesson from 1 to 5 I think?,
Then walking around the flat Earth looking for water in a parched dystopian world,
something involving a selfish alien who visits Earth and takes a random human hostage
and together cause the apocalypse
Honestly it all felt like a crazy simulation the extensive periodic amnesia doesn’t help. I will remember more with time I suppose.
I’m sorry for the chaos that ensued by sharing my story of adult grooming. I’m coming to terms with being a victim and survivor of it, perhaps will start some kind of website for other survivors of grooming.
So much has changed in ways that were foundation shaking, personally, and some changes I can’t put my finger on other than just a feeling. A lot isn’t the same so a lot I must start from scratch. While recovering from the last month of a mess I’ll be making a return to herbs
Continuing to try to remember what happened
The last thing I can clearly remember is collapsing or fainting or something from being oversad. The rest of the past month starts with about a week long blackout, which to others around me (my partner and some family members) looked like previous flashbacks in which I black out/become unresponsive and paralyzed, kinda like sleep paralysis to a whole other level.
The CT scans didn’t find anything out of the ordinary so that’s good.
However that all then does little to explain what those intense blackouts were, during which my soul and spirit were not in my physical body and instead ended up going through a series of magickal obstacle courses sorta in a series of bizarre dream-like experiences in some other realms. In the physical world I believe my body was possessed briefly by a pissed off spirit.
Without much access to magic stuff and also by choice felt like I should take a break while hospitalized, as I was also monitored very closely and carefully, the psychic attack really blew up and I just had to go along with everything, including some lawsuit worthy violations on the hospital’s part, I felt extra vulnerable to psychic attack, especially by one Individual who I named about a month ago to a trusted friend.
I believe my diagnosis was ultimately made in haste (over the course of two weeks I had 3 different attending doctors who never spoke with each other) and in the end I was assigned another new doctor who I had to get to know all over again in a few days, who made the final diagnosis. They were probably frustrated with not being able to find a tangible explanation for the blackouts and gave me the most common diagnosis among the 24 patients in my unit at the final hospital I stayed at.
I started getting really antsy and impatient to get the fuck out of there around mid month of total stay, two weeks before my final discharge, after I’d had a relatively turbulent start at the final hospital (was transferred by ambulance between the hospitals), and get home so I can do the funeral for Baby.
I finally found a suitable urn made of carved rosewood which should arrive by Monday so we will have our memorial then. I also got a couple pendants for my partner and I to keep her ashes close to our hearts as much as we want/all the time.
In the end, I was just getting tired of being there and “yes sir” “mm hmm”-ed my way out, biting my tongue at the inaccurate observations they made (human error like bias was much more prevalent at a public state facility and I never gave into the constant pressuring to be a “good Christian” to “help me get better faster”- religious as well as racist and sexist discrimination was just offensively prevalent). I’ve met a few people with it now and we’re just very different in many ways.
The dreams got really vivid, to the point that nearly every one is a lucid dream now and it’s kinda intense/exhausting. I’m just happy that Baby was in one of the lucid dreams (perhaps visiting?) and I was able to pet her goodbye one last time since the dumb covid protocols at the vet hospital last month prevented that.
Hey you can answer this in private. Given you past addictions have you been able to stay on track with that as well? I just worry about ya.
Yes surprisingly! Still celebrating my 1 year sober on 6/18🥳
Sorry I’ve become extra inept with online things I’ll keep it in my private journal and extract bits and pieces as relevant going forward. It’s all a weird mess of broken memories and strange synchronicities so far
Ok good good! I am glad that was my biggest worry.
Thanks for checking in on that
not gonna lie I have thought about it, more so about a month ago, but much less so now. Personally it means more to me to continue my sober streak and eventually work through the grief than some temporary euphoric relief that always leads to more pain and avoids any healthy grieving
I was worrying over the diagnosis the last hospital came up with, a really crappy public state facility that didn’t do much at all eg CT scans which I was given in the previous hospitals. They also never even looked into some unidentified bacteria they cultured out of my blood at one point, just because the antibiotics killed it. Magickal warfare is nuts. I started to joke about being an alien because everything was just inexplicably weird.
The diagnosis was made hastily, also under some legal pressure (someone decided to file a lawsuit against the hospital and I became a key witness in that trial as well as the other one I still don’t really know much about) over the course of days and biased observation by a doctor I barely met, so I sought out 2nd (from a doctor who’s known me for almost 3 years) and 3rd opinions. From a mental illness vantage, thank crabgods I’m just a PTSD with strong spiritual sensitivities and not a schizoaffective. Sensitive because I dunno I always was. With a predisposition towards dissociative states. Maybe too much paranoia and hyperchondria but not schizo-anything. I was tapering off some heavy duty meds initially misprescribed to me and around the time of Baby’s death I just stopped all of them at once which could explain the week long blackout thing.
Though I should remind myself the labels don’t matter.
In general I should stop thinking in terms of such labels because they are no good when advocating for equal human rights etc…
Especially laughing at the Evangelical Christians who tried their best to convert me in a time of crisis. And still pray for me as I was told. Also how do you undo such prayers if unwanted?
Remberered a good piece of advice given to me by Arachne during one of the magical obstacle courses in that first week of May- “don’t be afraid to show your teeth”
♀I guess meaning don’t be afraid to bite back when threatened in any way
Confused how I ended up court mandated to be in the hospital for so long. Nobody in my family or my partner called in the “wellness check” that started that whole part of the mess so I’m guessing someone trying to mess with me called it in hoping to catch me shooting dope, and destabilize me even more by making possible a year long stay at a rehab or something similarly suicide inspiring, which never happened. I ended up taking several urine drug screens to prove that I was clean throughout all of that wild week dissociated from reality. I even suspected rape due to some pain in areas that don’t normally hurt like that after a blackout unless…so I also got tested for roofies and pregnancy and STDs, all negative.
Apparently during the first few days of the blackout week, 5/2-5/5 I was near death for seemingly no reason, heart rate and BP just plummeted, so the doctors gave me CPR and adrenaline to start me up and keep me going again when I dipped out momentarily. I have to see a cardiologist soon to see if something is wrong with my heart. I feel like it was just heartbreak in a very literal sense. Then I actually left the hospital for a day or two and celebrated my birthday at home before being hospitalized again and mandated by the state to stay “for observation”. The stays were back to back, transported by an ambulance between each hospital, and despite never getting physical or being physically dangerous, I was always in restraints (I was told “for my own safety”) and felt more heavily monitored than other patients the rest of the month. The whole thing just felt like Roswell in the end.
Now looking up some basics about broken heart syndrome, especially vs symptoms of a possible heart attack
The other guy I left mostly unnamed in my accusations, only named to a few trusted individuals, who eventually got suspended for his transgressions is convinced he is an alterego of God himself. Funnily, I met another guy during my stays at the hospitals who had the exact same conviction🤷🏻♀️ delusional guys who are so powerless in their own lives they feel the need to bully people they see as less than them with declarations like “I am God so I know what you’re thinking and I know everything about you” etc bs like that.
Apparently the hospital was pissed I didn’t go to my follow-up appointment after that first part of the weeklong blackout week when my heart nearly stopped and I came back from the dead. I woke up with no clue what year it even was and thought 6 years had passed or something. The questions ranged from “how are you feeling…is your heart still racing feeling…” To eventually “who is the president of the USA?”
Weird how things at hospitals progressed after that near death experience. Weirder how memories are slowly coming back, like the mysterious black car parked by my bedroom window just almost out of sight most nights of my stay. The weird use of phrases/sentences almost verbatim that I said in confidence to one unnamed trusted Individual prior to all the hospital stuff by patients who couldn’t possibly know all the random statements that just synced with things I was dealing with, stuff going on in real-time as well as past events, things said before eg the word “spicy” which I deliberately used as a phrase that I’d never attributed to one named accused individual became a common adjective used against me in the last hospital, a place for the criminally insane, where I was bullied a bit for not fitting in with the crowd (I guess a good thing?) It just seemed like the doctors couldn’t figure out what was up with my heart and it was easier for them to just convince me I’d imagined everything even though I had family with me who could corroborate what I suspected rather than just immediately discount it as “delusions” like the very incompetent psychiatrists and nurses and technicians did at that final place for the criminally insane. The lawsuit against the hospitals in which I’m a “key witness” is probably a malpractice lawsuit come to think of it. The other patients who were also interviewed as witnesses, who I rarely even interacted with, were also somehow affected by or channel/sense whatever magickal stuff I was still doing subconsciously like projecting my past life memories when I tried to do some meditation-astral travel to explore that while in a confined setting: lots of talking about the pyramids of ancient Egypt (completed my “high priestess of the temple of the goddess Isis training” course aka what I like to call my Egyptian studies class), my “scary glaring eyes” full of fury , the fire association, green flames, lots of fat flies (beelzebub who I call PaPa B) and glorious spiders with beautiful webs (hello arachne), friendly wasps and bees that were less friendly to others, random timely luck (thanks to Samael, my guardian angel) lots of conversations about quantum leaping, government involvement with running weird experiments on people, especially those with magickal inclinations and weird blood (my blood test cultures showed some abnormal bacteria they weren’t used to treating so they wanted to redo it but I ended up not because I refused for some reason) without their knowledge, the number 3, certain mudras and gestures that I’d do during my blackouts (so only the nurses and techs who came into my room to give me medicine before the ambulance and doctors arrived to bring me out of it/wake up) that other patients ended up just Knowing? I dunno maybe it was a very hyperactive gossip mill but still it’s a bunch of weirdness and I’ll try to remember more and keep journaling
It’s also a relief knowing I don’t have schizoaffective after spending half a month with real schizoaffective patients and my regular shrink was also kinda pissed at that whole situation about my diagnosis? I was so close to completing my taper off but it was an abnormally stressful situation last month and I decided to abruptly stop the rest of it which probably caused me to behave and think a bit off, but it didn’t last and I’m mostly fine now. Aside from being incredibly bored and just journaling the weird month and trying to remember the lessons in a way that I can write about them clearly and share here in my little journal?
Be careful what you share about it. Idk if you had to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement or what but it might pose trouble if you make too much info public. I dont wanna see anything else complicate your situation.
Thanks good point need to watch my lack of verbal filter problem with the attempt to remember a bizarre time via stream of consciousness/verbal vomit. Definitely don’t want to have to give any reason to go to court again
It seems unlikely anyone would stumble across this site and that post but you never know.
Funny every time I go away for suspected drug use I walk out with a whole list of new contacts, a lot of them potential new dealers. I know keeping the list of contacts is like keeping a live grenade under my pillow before going to bed so I’m going to get rid of it and continue to honor Baby’s life with my continued sobriety from opiates. One year anniversary on 6/18
one thing from an earlier travel with arachne - she was taking me somewhere and I had to sign my name in this big leather bound ledger book thinga little less than half filled with little symbols. When I tried writing my legal name out since I didn’t know my soul/magic name, nothing would come out. She laughed and said no your spirit name is “Uburrock” (phonetic spelling) or something and it’s spelled like a hook slightly leaning on its side
I also saw that I’d written this symbol over and over again by my physical body while blacked out during the first week of May and I believe my soul body was in a whole other realm (I wonder suspect I may have been simultaneously possessed while I was “away” traveling but sensed strong allies around me always because there’s no way I got through all of that without some high level of spiritual protection) and dunno what it means or what language? I’ve been sticking with mundane activities since leaving that clusterfuck of a hospital experience, but soon I would like to do something special for my guardian angel (in a reading I bought last year, my guardian angel was shown to be Samael, something I later verified on my own and am very grateful for) I think I sensed some other deities throughout the month - if I’m right about that, grateful that Samael, Beelzebub, Isis, Ariel and Arachne cared enough for me to have protected/protect in my favor. It was a full on magickal war and I was a one woman army hiding in a series of seedy greedy hospitals but still standing strong. I say I win
It’s so weird coming back from 4 or 5 soul journeys/magickal obstacle courses in different realms, and being told only 3 days had passed during that first week of May when the hospital stuff all started at that first ER visit. I was told by family we went in because my heart was doing something weird and my blood pressure and heart rate were very abnormally high - all I remember is being sad about losing my cat Baby to cancer end of April and fainting or something. I felt like I was ripped out of my body somehow travelled (quantum leap?)to a parallel universe(s?) where I may have picked up heroin and actually relapsed after the death or something else entirely because the ass-kicking of life lessons I thought I was getting were far from over, like I’d just completed the intro and I was being initiated into the real learning/real school.
It felt and still feels like decades went by and at least years worth of random life and spiritual lessons, definitely not like days at the time. I was genuinely confused when I finally"woke up" from the constant blacking out/journeying and demanded seeing my family who I feared were long dead and my fiancee, who I assumed may have moved on with another woman by the time I woke, asking “that’s it?” when a nurse jokingly said it had been 6 years and I believed it genuinely. It’s surreal that it hasn’t been years, even more surreal that that part only really lasted a week and I never dreamed like that before, especially not involuntarily just like that, unintentionally and while heavily medicated by drugs that typically slow down any psychic capabilities among other reasons. It feels like The Truman Show sometimes like I need to “wake up” more but for now I am focusing on the “mundane” stuff I
I remembered seeing the monitors when I’d “wake” briefly between journeys, once hearing a doctor or someone say “she’s going for the flatline” so this would be the second time in 3 years that my heart almost stopped on its own- no idea why- tox screens, various tests including EKGs and CT scans couldn’t find a reason- the doctors were pulling out their hair trying to find one so they could properly treat me, but everything came up normal. Eventually I just came back on my own- not due to any particular medical intervention or medication. Still perplexed, the doctors made an appointment for me at their psychiatric wing a few days later. I didn’t go because I was astral traveling and then a wellness check got called in on me and I ended up in another hospital chain, where I was shuffled from one to another and another and finally the state facility.
When discharged, they didn’t tell me anything about or mention what had happened, especially not the mistakes they made (like not giving me my methadone or psych meds at first for a whole week) just that I “imagined everything.” The other time my heart almost flatlined was during an opiate detox. Funny this time was when I couldn’t get any methadone that I’m prescribed when my mom and I both asked and brought the bottles in to prove it.
We are going to try to get the hospital paperwork for our own records in the upcoming weeks- insurance isn’t paying for everything and I can’t afford some of the alleged costs for tests they ran while I was blacked out and my mother signed all the paperwork for me (probably under pressure from the doctors) and English is her second language so I don’t expect her to read the paperwork word for word, much less to do anything on my behalf regarding hospital papers
Please get yourself a watcher! I know balg scoffs at me when I mention this, but this is exactly what they are for! Im a bit busy to dig into this topic at the current moment, but I will elaborate more later.
Definitely will going forward! Whenever I decide to end this sort of break I’m taking. Can’t have all that happen again
Thanks for taking the time for advice💚
The crisis/“magick war” that started up about a month and a half ago subsided and this is me recovering/trying to make some sense of it all/ remember/learn something.
I’m just verbal vomiting into my journal also partly as real time documenting of a potentially ongoing thing, this magick war aftermath, hoping to understand what was blacked out.