Kinda real-time documenting a rage fueled derailment. Healing at home with family to resolve this pathological silence we all employ to some degree as some weird Li-specific coping mechanism (haha cooing and specidick also just came up in autocorrect)
During the weird dream I remember hearing “who could do that to a baby?” And “the Lying Lis” because my last name is spelled LI and often mispronounced as LIE which became liars???
Still maintaining distance from the named individuals who I continue to omit personally identifying information as I do personalhesling and journaling etc…
Overall-I’m grateful to finally be recovering in ways I didn’t think we’re necessary. Just because of my personal stubbornness to"always survive" and in what I perceived as “increasingly cruel world” which has since been an “increasingly empathetic and understanding world”@(?)a caring and nurturing one
The synchronicities are almost overwhelming and I started to convince myself I was actually possessed for the past month, which would explain the blackouts that I have some medical predisposition to.
10:35 am very confused by the icy winds and suddenly started raining. I haven’t really been checking weather forecasts at all for a few months now
Sorry to say, but you need to calm down. You seem to be experiencing a full blown attack. Please, use the cleansing prayer I gave to you and relax. If you freak out and don’t remain calm, they have every reason to send you away so you need to regain control.
There is most probably a parasite, a curse or something else dragging you down because some of your posts sound a bit psychotic. Sorry to say, I know this is not you but you need to fight the urge to become aggressive and lose control. I know you are suffering bc of Baby but if you don’t keep a clear head, they can say: “Oh look at her, she’s this and that.” And don’t talk about witches, magick or anything to those people, please.
It feels like something knows it will have to leave very soon and it doesn’t seem to like it.
We started something, so try to relax now .
Please don’t post personal medical documents on here hon, this forum is public and it could be used against you in some way, I removed that photo after a member was sharp enough to flag it and get it off the public forum.
Sorry was away at hospital for a month
Setting back into some degree of calm normalcy💚
Thank you all for your help and support and looking forward to restarting a lot of things from scratch
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Night 10 of extra-vivid lucid dreams:
The torture restaurant-
I was on some kind of human sized skewer with IV needles everywhere and the kinda cartoon vampires seen in movies typically were gathering around in this underground nightclub where this restaurant (with all kinds of people kept in similar states for feeding). It was really painful I can still feel the soreness where each needle was loosely placed
As it ended I heard the same guy from two nights ago (who was previously dressed in a suit and offered to show me his social security number to which I declined interest in) say “well at least you helped me find a solution to all this that doesn’t involve DNA”
There was more I will eventually add whatever I can remember. The county facility I was at didn’t let us keep pencils or pens because they could be utilized as weapons
I think I felt Beelzebub and Arachne around a few times. continued presence in the first couple hospitals I was at. I transferred from place to place until ending up at the county facility and started to wonder if there is some kind of weird witch-hunt that aims to put witches in jail. And since I hadn’t committed a crime at all, questioned if I had some degree of identity theft
Continued noticing weirdly timely weather changes associated with intense mood fluctuations, especially rage With storms or intense heat
I think I was possessed briefly by a disgruntled spirit (looked like a greasy security guard when I saw him in a reflection) and heard the presence leaving me after going through a hospital where they had rabbis in the ER which was odd. It said in a raspy voice “No” angrily a few times
Yes surprisingly! Still celebrating my 1 year sober on 6/18🥳
Sorry I’ve become extra inept with online things I’ll keep it in my private journal and extract bits and pieces as relevant going forward. It’s all a weird mess of broken memories and strange synchronicities so far
Thanks for checking in on that
not gonna lie I have thought about it, more so about a month ago, but much less so now. Personally it means more to me to continue my sober streak and eventually work through the grief than some temporary euphoric relief that always leads to more pain and avoids any healthy grieving
Be careful what you share about it. Idk if you had to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement or what but it might pose trouble if you make too much info public. I dont wanna see anything else complicate your situation.
Thanks good point need to watch my lack of verbal filter problem with the attempt to remember a bizarre time via stream of consciousness/verbal vomit. Definitely don’t want to have to give any reason to go to court again
one thing from an earlier travel with arachne - she was taking me somewhere and I had to sign my name in this big leather bound ledger book thinga little less than half filled with little symbols. When I tried writing my legal name out since I didn’t know my soul/magic name, nothing would come out. She laughed and said no your spirit name is “Uburrock” (phonetic spelling) or something and it’s spelled like a hook slightly leaning on its side
I also saw that I’d written this symbol over and over again by my physical body while blacked out during the first week of May and I believe my soul body was in a whole other realm (I wonder suspect I may have been simultaneously possessed while I was “away” traveling but sensed strong allies around me always because there’s no way I got through all of that without some high level of spiritual protection) and dunno what it means or what language? I’ve been sticking with mundane activities since leaving that clusterfuck of a hospital experience, but soon I would like to do something special for my guardian angel (in a reading I bought last year, my guardian angel was shown to be Samael, something I later verified on my own and am very grateful for) I think I sensed some other deities throughout the month - if I’m right about that, grateful that Samael, Beelzebub, Isis, Ariel and Arachne cared enough for me to have protected/protect in my favor. It was a full on magickal war and I was a one woman army hiding in a series of seedy greedy hospitals but still standing strong. I say I win
It’s so weird coming back from 4 or 5 soul journeys/magickal obstacle courses in different realms, and being told only 3 days had passed during that first week of May when the hospital stuff all started at that first ER visit. I was told by family we went in because my heart was doing something weird and my blood pressure and heart rate were very abnormally high - all I remember is being sad about losing my cat Baby to cancer end of April and fainting or something. I felt like I was ripped out of my body somehow travelled (quantum leap?)to a parallel universe(s?) where I may have picked up heroin and actually relapsed after the death or something else entirely because the ass-kicking of life lessons I thought I was getting were far from over, like I’d just completed the intro and I was being initiated into the real learning/real school.
It felt and still feels like decades went by and at least years worth of random life and spiritual lessons, definitely not like days at the time. I was genuinely confused when I finally"woke up" from the constant blacking out/journeying and demanded seeing my family who I feared were long dead and my fiancee, who I assumed may have moved on with another woman by the time I woke, asking “that’s it?” when a nurse jokingly said it had been 6 years and I believed it genuinely. It’s surreal that it hasn’t been years, even more surreal that that part only really lasted a week and I never dreamed like that before, especially not involuntarily just like that, unintentionally and while heavily medicated by drugs that typically slow down any psychic capabilities among other reasons. It feels like The Truman Show sometimes like I need to “wake up” more but for now I am focusing on the “mundane” stuff I
I remembered seeing the monitors when I’d “wake” briefly between journeys, once hearing a doctor or someone say “she’s going for the flatline” so this would be the second time in 3 years that my heart almost stopped on its own- no idea why- tox screens, various tests including EKGs and CT scans couldn’t find a reason- the doctors were pulling out their hair trying to find one so they could properly treat me, but everything came up normal. Eventually I just came back on my own- not due to any particular medical intervention or medication. Still perplexed, the doctors made an appointment for me at their psychiatric wing a few days later. I didn’t go because I was astral traveling and then a wellness check got called in on me and I ended up in another hospital chain, where I was shuffled from one to another and another and finally the state facility.
When discharged, they didn’t tell me anything about or mention what had happened, especially not the mistakes they made (like not giving me my methadone or psych meds at first for a whole week) just that I “imagined everything.” The other time my heart almost flatlined was during an opiate detox. Funny this time was when I couldn’t get any methadone that I’m prescribed when my mom and I both asked and brought the bottles in to prove it.
We are going to try to get the hospital paperwork for our own records in the upcoming weeks- insurance isn’t paying for everything and I can’t afford some of the alleged costs for tests they ran while I was blacked out and my mother signed all the paperwork for me (probably under pressure from the doctors) and English is her second language so I don’t expect her to read the paperwork word for word, much less to do anything on my behalf regarding hospital papers
Please get yourself a watcher! I know balg scoffs at me when I mention this, but this is exactly what they are for! Im a bit busy to dig into this topic at the current moment, but I will elaborate more later.
