My journal to talk about whatever

Why do you apologize?

I mean, you told me to stop so i thought i was doing the sob story thing, i was just kind of intense and venting on my journal because i felt like it, but honestly ive not been alive enough to know what qualifies

I didn’t want you to stop venting, but if you really are thinking about suicide, then get actual help, that’s what I wanted you to do.

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It’s interesting reading this while you yourself have been committed to a hospital because of your suicidal thoughts

Max, like Helena said, call a hotline or go see a psychiatrist if you want

i guess my relationship stuff failed or whatever since the dude was just kindly seen speeding past me like i was a nuisance.

This is why i don’t like coming to school

life seems to include a consistent chronical of looking back and hating things about yourself, if you’re lucky.

a persistent reminder is, as i said, chronicled here. A reminder that I am not my best self.

So I was wondering, how does a spirit really do multiple things in multiple places at once? Had i the aptitude, I would probably always be doing some kind of thing to help people if i could do it at the same time as selfish things. I want to be seen in a lot of ways, and thus I suppose I have to do a lot of things.

It’s easy to look back at yourself and hate your actions. I just wish I could speak to them, tell them what no one could.

I think that’s why you see posts like the ones we all know. I hope one day I can look back on myself and see compassion, well placed direction, and wisdom. I hope that for a lot of people, but mainly me.

Maybe I did.

Well anyways, update on my status. I am Maxwell Ameen Ezedine. I want to carry on my work and finish it. I’m 17 years old, I was born on February Second, 2004. In 140 days, or less than 6 months, I will be 18.

I did a lot, here. I meddled constantly. Through the sephiroth, and kind of the qlippoth. Through my own shamanistic methods, through tarot, and the over studying of my path in life, through communion with humans and non living spirits, I am here.

Every path I have taken will find it’s origins crumble to dust. All of my power only inherited to my next moment, and my next life.

Nothing I did mattered, until it did, and I have to find out what to do with it all. Where I stand in the cosmos is clear, I stand where I planned to stand. Whether I was created, or I simply was, I am here. With a whole life ahead of me, I’m not really sure what to do next. The thrones of gods and rulers once seemed a place for me, but now it seems that a happy earth, a living humanity, that will be enough for now.

I am long since done weighing my potential or my reality, and now I have only floundered as if out of the college stage. I think I need help, but I might not.

To know where one stands, they can only see it relative to the circumstances that are yet to be. I know I stand, mostly, alone now. I can change that, now. It is better, however, for those people to walk with no one than a fool.

I dont know if this is a good motivation, but i look up to a lot of people. My mother, a former moderator, and a few demons, and a human being.

It’s not necessarily that I think they live perfect, or even desirable lives. Actually, I would hate to live like them. But they show drive and knowledge, or have shown it, to achieve something higher. But I don’t have to worry about that.

I think I have achieved that high being. But really, I don’t have to think. Living in between has always been my style, and the more assured I am that it is the case, the more unstable it is.

I don’t know how to change the world. I’ve had theories. What if everyone looked at each other as a part of themselves?