My journal to talk about whatever

Well I’m plum outta journals, so here it is.
I need to vent some internal information out into a form, so I’m gonna think about my next step here. Tomorrow school starts, I have less time, and that upsets me. School is, kind of, not something i’m looking forward to. I’m working through an event that happened a while back heavily intertwined with school.

Lately, my goals have been everywhere. I’m not even sure what I’m going for except “learning and growing”. I know practical goals, I have those, but they’re too… Time consuming, really. I’m not as disciplined as I might want to be.

I’m a bit off rn.

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That being said, I have begun work with Belial. I figure limits are what are keeping me from doing it at the rate I’d like. I’ll post tidbits of whatever is important daily. Belials gate is open in my room and he told me to take in some of the energy.

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The last three nights I’ve slept here I’ve had nightmares about Sam. I don’t like this place.

I’ve been working with Belial a lot lately, and he’s definitely an amazing teacher.

I just got out of P.E which is comprised of a lot of various workouts. Today was running, and Belial helped me increase my strength in doing so. He directed me to move my power in certain ways, and showed me a vision of myself with freakish strength. It made the workout way easier, for one, to have my will directed there.

When I got back up to do my next sets of running intervals, I felt lighter than air. He’s pretty cool.

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I’ve been thinking about all the friends I lost on BALG. Lol. I can’t really get a whole do-over easily, can I? I’ve wanted to.

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So here I am, trying to learn from Belial, and he’s messing with me. Poking at me. He ends up frustrating me, and stalling a whole lot enough to ask him if he’s even going to teach me anything. He says he’s not in the mood. I tell him off, he leaves, and apologizes (all VERY paraphrased)

So I just say whatever, and blank mindedly come into balg to scroll. I end up on @DarkestKnight 's journal and the FIRST THING I see is the name of the book he’s working with, Courses in Miracles.

Thanks, Belial, lol. After I find it he comes in and does a mock apology, and we both burst into laughter at everything that just happened.

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That was confusing. I didn’t quite pick up all that fun stuff.

You know in hindsight this is pretty much solely confusion. I don’t know why I was led here. Whatever, then.

I tried doing some absurdly powerful things today. I plan on keeping the specifics to myself, but I will say what I’ve been doing here is working and I EXTREMELY recommend work with Belial.

I’ve been asked to script my spiritual ascent, literally write out a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m going to make some important changes.

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Okay, now I’m gonna make this game come out in early October.

Why the fuck not? I wanna play it and I’ll make sure it gets released quicker as a project of mine.

Wonder how that will turn out. Well, I guess we get to wait and see.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWz0yS1fVTM You. hahaha you. This song. This makes me happy, yes,. I like it so much,

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I feel so intense. So untameably intense. Vitality is overflowing.

Kundalini shit is happening rn and it’s overwhelming. I think I cleaned out the “knots”. I just focused on it in the right way and it was instant, and I got rid of the bad energy from it. I feel light and my vital force is immense.

I need to figure out what to do next. I think I know

from cleansing negative patterns, I feel kind of empty as a whole. I want to fill this emptiness in with some pattern.

I feel AMAZING.

I tried to get down my priorities, what I need to focus on. I knew, at some moment, while raising kundalini’s power, i know I had to really work through how I felt when I saw Sam.

I was afraid to look at him out of shame. A lower instinct made me hurt when I saw him. But Belial helped me work through it. I knew, though, as I sat to raise my kundalini, I knew I’d meet him minutes after, as it was obvious from the course of events.

I knew it. I didn’t know when. I walked along in mild regret, through the library entrance and almost out of the library. I saw him, trying to come into the library, face to face, eye to eye. I felt pain, and he turned around and left, good at making no emotion on his face. Like he usually does to cope. But then, I stopped feeling pain immediately after. It was only shock.

This… means SO MUCH to me. I felt, fine. Even around him. THe pain was dull and waned immensely, immediately. And then I was okay. I felt fine. and then, I felt amazing. I felt like my entire body was alight, like I really did the right thing, and that it was necessary to continue.

I knew at this point that it was basically ending. I ended it myself, within me, and I am still doign this, and I realized that my overall opinion and feel for life, living, and being a being on this earth improved, then my experience immediately improved, I realized old manifestations were working out in other places in my life, minutes later, involving personal skills being refined, and that I was the source of my joy, more than ever before.

And I’m content. I really am, and I realize this small set of events today was world changing.

Thank you, Belial. Thank you, Lucifer, and Gabrielle, and Michael, and all of my friends. Thank everyone here who interacted with me. Thank all of you. Thank you so much, even if we never agreed on anything and were always yelling at each other; thank you, thank you, thank you sooooo much.

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I literally cannot even pretend to me unhappy now, it’s so hard to pretend to be even a little upset even as a joke. It’s that strong.

Annnd Sam ran into me again, in the bathroom, and immediately turned around. And he seemed much less happy than me, too. So sad. Anyways, I think some weird shit is happening today.

People keep saying his name, bringing him up, and 3 times today I’ve heard people yell “Sam! Sam! Max!” in relation to completely different people. 2 times. Not to mention the weird mask smelling like him.

I thinnnk I got what I wanted, but I seriously need to heavy heal the situation, me, before he loses it.