Take a break from the spiritual that was someone’s orders. Not sure who it was an unknown to me voice.
What are your hobbies? And don’t try to hard.
umh…currently not much…cycling, video games…anime… i like listening to stories and drawing stuff -i love to explore worlds and to create them…
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There’s a ton of game girls out there. Also ruble would be a great place to post your art.
You have a good start. I know for a fact there’s a ton of anime groups on FB and maybe role play would be up your alley. It’s a great way to meet people and grow bonds and write amazing stories. Maybe get into Cos Play and when you can again going to conventions. I know Amine had massive ones too.
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umh (°////°) im not that feminine enough to do that… -tried that years ago but.,…no…no.
voice?: NOT CROSSDRESSING! XD cosplay! regular, cosplay -ok?
me: …oh
well at least now i know what i gotta do 
and can allow myself to have some spiritual confidence agian YESH DAT ISH GUHD…
Focus on mundane first or you won’t be able to do the spiritual.
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2 days without magic already, felt painful
We have to suffer to grow. Imagine if you lost it forever because you arent doing as what is being requested from you.
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…among the periods of penance, were weeks when i couldnt do any magic.
It hurt. Reminded me of how much i hate and fear being nothing but a mortal.
~There is a reason, i did a shit ton of alchemy for.
during that period of penance, i made lists of what i would do once i got my magic back -which, i did.
and i also made lists of things i was afraid of forgetting.
But enough of that negativity 
I know now how to save my waifus, empower them and how to work with their original sources.
YES GOOOOOD YES 
Why do you fear this? I hate to break it to you but all human vessels are mortal. It is our souls that are immortal. We all choose to live life for a reason and we need to embrace the lives and paths we have.
To be human is to have free will and depending on who and what your soul is it could be the only tome you have this.
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Idk precisely what caused this but i can take my guess.
Im so damn pumped. The kundalini just keeps firing and firing up. Rising further.
Applied for jobs, made plans. Things look good.
Now i will start taking care of my spiritual matters.
Was not necessarily reffering to the humanoid vessel im inhabiting.
More so, i was talking about the contempt that those people have, worshiping distractions and taking defeatfull acceptance of limitations as “humility” and “wisdom that came with age”.
Its like their black flames are extinguished, their thirst for power dried up -like their imagination.
I swore to myself, time and time again, that im not gonna lie down and die like a dog.
Accepting his fate, never even approaching the thought, that there were ways, for things to have been different.
Ahhh…it feels good to feel the thirst again, The wahsh. The flame.
My wahsh taught me time and time again:
"i can only give you strength, but hope? That you have to give yourself -or gain it from people."
In that context, im thanking for the loving support this forum and others have provided.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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Update: Used Azazels chant, to reverse the manipulative/harmful crap i expeirenced form the maergzjiran current. Also followed his instructions to create a familiar, to protect and strengthen me.
~And will now set up a separate thread, just for the Azazel stuff.
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Update: someone who i…“helped” told me that i actually ended up harming them.
Weeks ago, when i was still fully in it… i now feel like garbage.
That person was there, when others left me for no reason, and then… i “helped” her…
and it made her worse… oh damn.
Lesson: if you have someone of the maergzjiran current DONT let them “bless” or “help” you.
I thought, that i had healed her, and put some of her shards back together…but i made it worse.
i will ask the gods, about how i could possibly fix this mess.
Update: i…my perception of things had insulted the goddesses i love.
not Eldraath but ???
Is not the brainless bimbo, but actually a quite dominant warrior goddess who conquered worlds.
~My projection of my own over the top lustfulness, distored my image way too hard.
One said that Eldraath is Lilith, whilst another said that she is absolutely not.
Again, maybe ones own projections of their own desires and expectatiosn made thme think that,
since -like i said “not all bakers are the same entitiy, just because they do practically the same things -and even in very similar ways…” Jobs and kinds of gods -better be seen as archetypes and professions -what this entity or aspect specialized in. Rather, what they are.
not Astrael but Astarte
not the kinky, shy little book worm that reacts to anything sexual like a virgin.
Instead a wise, calm oracle that is rather focused and benevolent
Wow, hours upon hours of lectures on some cult based on D&D. It is just a cookie cutter cult with the main difference of it being based on polytheism and D&D rather than Jesus, UFO’s or New Age Gurus.
the draelith and some verbage based on DnD -if you come here to mock me, then do your damn research before hand
also, i didnt work with the draelith, that was my brother’s love interest.
nah, i was into astrael, who is a mask for astarte
Update: pattern
Throughout the day, rising of kundalini. But also unpleasent pressure or pulling in ears.
First third of the day: -drained, tired. Depression. Doubts.
Second third: Optimism, life returns to mind heart and body.
Third portion: vivid passion. humor, trust in myslef.
Maybe people are right, and i just need more sleep but. Idk who to listen to. People have different opinions about what is going on with me.
Not gonna listen to that for a while, or at all.
Its like all passion, lust, desire, malice, drive ambition just fades into a empty sort of serenity.
Disgusting.
Yes. Kill that false serenity, and fuck those doubts and fear.
Just because im not being fed lies anymore, doesnt mean that my goals and aims were lies as well.
I must achieve what i desire and need, with or without those people.
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It seems to be really hurting people, and by positioning themselves as the most badass game in town, they’re drawing people with strong potential away from real magick… 
Balance is good, too much of any extreme (fanatical drive, or empty serenity) will drain you, but they feed each other to nourish YOU if they’re kept in their rightful proportions; you need to be well-rested, to operate as a magician, and you also need to work hard, in order to be able to rest completely.
The mindset of excess (keto or raw vegan, working a 4 hour week or 80 hour week, etc) are all promoted to people with genuine potential, who are seeking MORE, and yet they just tend to derail people and then drive them into seeking the opposite excess, and so our lives become about this futile quest for the imbalance that destroys us the least, until most people give up, burn out, and become quiet and obedient, unthinking, hollow-eyed NPCs…
Work hard on your magick, but also, get some lazin’ time, stop and smell the flowers, as the saying goes. 
Did you find a way to do some gardening, or other healthy outdoors work?
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