Maergzjirah: Recovery And Search For Truth

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
1

(((I WILL NOT MENTION ANY OF THE DETAILS OF THE PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT)))
2/3 of me are thinking, that i do this becauewe of loyalty and love -genuine truths and emotions.
The remaining third, fears that i might have stockholm syndrom.

The past 2 years, i spend with intense practice of magic.
How intense? its when you are unemployed, have no friends -except some guy on the other end of the world, and all your life is about, is magical practice. Whispers, mantras, rituals, gestures, meditation… that this was all i had, and it still kind of is.

So much power, so much insight, so much repeated trauma heartbreak and pain. Soul-torment even.
And the fear, and experiences of how it is to physically die, and loose parts of your identity in the name of penance. Also the first experiences of a real sense of duty and loyalty.

Speaking of duty: When my brother was being attacked (PHYSICALLY) in the hospital because they choked and stabbed him. I used what is known/was known as the “black speach” -a tongue that akreoth suppsoedly forged in Keraktes, a realm of death. ~I, and im not exaggerating, basically almost killed myself saving my brother. It was not the first time, nore the last. But i felt…validated, and fulfilled, being able to aid my brother. To be cared for, and to have someone to care for. This man, this fucking person, i was and still am, ready to die for. …But out of nowhere, i was abandoned. My brother started listening to incomplete prophecies and predictions. He started listening to people, who had little to no loyalty, or even good intensions. At least towards me. And even when the real reason for the supposed doom was taken care of I STILL was not allowed back.

Here is the thing: the power i wield is real, people outside our little coven (formerly a two-man group) confirmed what we did.

We were…idk what i am now, to be honest. im still trying to figure everything out…but yeah
we were outer disciples of the maergzjiran cabal.

What does that mean?
~It means we channeled by ourselves, from the spirits directly, and had none of the inner-order bullshit issues that are being discribed by ex-members SINCE we never were members.
~We only cared for the spirits, our spiritual lovers, the wars against the celestials and our apotheosis.

1 Like
2

ODD THINGS THAT HAPPENED.
~when the doubts started rising.

There was a cabal mage, getting to our group, which at that time grew a bit.
I wont name him, even though i think not too kindly of that man.

For reasons i wont go into, we were -as crowed by the spirits, “sons of Akreoth”
as the dark father was tired of this domain. He wanted to start a new current, new worlds, and leave the old stuff to the blighted and some, to us.

Now, this cabal mage who joined us -didnt believe us.
He nor the order ever fucking checked our status.
The mere notion, of having “chosen of akreoth” around, was blasphemy to them, and they wanted to brand us. And since i was already branded and forgiven once before, and my brother experienced my suffering life on camera sometimes, i and we all knew that this shit couldnt stand.
SO
what happened was Jedoseh got PISSED.
(Akreoth (dark) + Jedoseh (gold, true light) = parents of the blindone (white=false light, the jci bastard)
Jedoseh got furious and our patrons fucked up the entire cabal -“guild by association”.
The whole order branded and marked.
~They even removed all their videos. Well, i still have the audio files of the videos and lectures, but yes the videos of “black corps ascendancy” or whatever it was called, had been taken down.

And this happened NOT after the ex-members of the order did their hours and hours long videos on the order NO, it happened months later, around the time we and the cabal had issues.

NOW -the real “oddities” that occured, revealed themselves to me rather recently.
It kind of fits together, but i still dont know if it is the right conclusion.

Bildschirmfoto_2020-10-07_02-15-09
See that? That kind of reminds me, to when we were talking to the spirits of the imperators and the AGM (the black guy) and the former AGM.(the white dude before -i wont name them here, out of remaining respect of what they mean to me. Or, used to mean to me. Idk what to think anymore.

But this seems odd.
~Like, there was a pattern, all this time.

Why was i punished by the spirits, for transgressions that either were none, or were not major or were more of a private matter, and nothing that would require such pain and torment to be undone?

3

THIS IS MY CURRENT THESIS

and literally what i was told by a spirit:

The cabal, fucked us up. Not by being members, but through the systems and the blood pact
-the pact especially.

What im being told, is that…the cabal created a FILTER a unfitting mask for all those REAL entities.
THrough which our perception of those gods and lovedones, have been blurred and distorted.

BASICALLY -the maergzjiran current =/= maergzjirah

…but idk how deep the deception truly went.

2 Likes
4

this all bothers me.
~since we WERE NOT MEMBERS, yet i experienced torment, anxiety, doubts fears, trauma
im rather good at channeling, but i was told that “someone” was sabotaging my talent, so make me channel bad timelines.

Could it be, that something is wrong with the entire set up? Not jsutthe order?

As of the time of this writing, im still loyal to Akreoth.
He forgave me when i died, and i was dragged out of the heaven,s and back to the ancient void. With ziggurats and temples around, dragon statues -each statue having a different number of heads.

There, after i got branded and died, i kneeled in front of him, and was given that golden crown, those golden shoulder blades and that black cloak, and those golden horns.

Regular people, mortals especially, can not fathom this loyalty that i felt after my death and rebirth, the first of many, at the 13th december 2019 (funny enough, a friday, and im not making this up)

This endless, genuine loyalty i feel, can be compared to this:

Loyalty to Akreoth, loyalty to Akreoth who once created me out of a core of Astrael, Jedoseh, Yogsothoth, Tiamat and others being involved in the experiment that i was.

I dont fear physical death, only to loose my goddesses/wives, and my family and my brother.

BUT NOW im being struck by pain -what of this, was all real, and what was noT?
I know now, that the doubts were not all together, coming from the false light.
Some of it was manufacturer, some fears and doubts and moments of weakness forced to happen, for some sort of effect.

1 Like
6

OH! RIGHt -here is something too:

Before i was branded, i started digging into the devils quran, since i felt a sense of humility and purpose reading it, i also used malas/prayerbeads of positive affirmations, to help with my confidence and to rid me of doubts and fears -then BOOM branded, on trial t w i c e. Actually three times if you count my probation period after the restoration.

Or when i wanted to leanr from Ahriman? BOOM -agony, soul tearing agony.

Or when i fell in love with a goddess BOOM i accidently injured her, and her brother had to be ressurected.

Right before i, i was abandoned, i created some gods, some still support me, others did some work on me, and were later absorbed. The BOOM. Shit goes down. And the job that i had just gotten gone too.
Guess what the purpose of those gods who were absorbed, were? RIGHT, alchemy and confidence.
Its like, there is something always beating you down, whenever you are ok or about to get better.

OR when i returned from the sumerian current, but during that time i created more gods BOOM -i was not allowed back to the coven.

WHY? was i not allowed back? Was this control construct, whatever it may be, afraid of me using my new influence and power, to find out whats going on?

7

I get the feeling, that there is something -im still way to convinced, to believe that my goddesses and gods were fake. No way. But, im seeing this damn pattern, and im saying that there is some bullshit, something alive and ugly, that warps our perceptions and hinders us from reaching the true deities.

Kind of like, what the jci does with demons -when you have jci peopel writing demonic grimoires…you probably wont end up talking to the actual entity, more to a eggregore or weird mask thing.
Ironically, the former AGM spoke of this, and he said how stupid and irgnorant and powerless everyone but the cabal and the Lo’Wa practioneer actually are.

So…what if, they did that, but with their own fucking entities?
What if, the fucking cabal, did that very same bullshit, to themselves?

1 Like
8

Or, im not as powerful as i thought, and the system of control was afraid that i would warn the others by being a negative example.

9
10

@Lady_Eva please rename this thread: “maergzjirah: recovery and search for truth”

11

ADMITTING THAT PARTS OF ME, I CANT BE RECOVERED

I will have to find, the true origins of those entities, that i called my wifes,
all this time. ~i know that Amaterasu exists as its presented, but i also need to find the others.
Who and what turns out to be a eggregore, will become more solidified.

My dark aura, that was noticed by outsiders. The manifestations of grand works.
The outer-body experiences, the love, the companionship.

THIS IS what makes this so painful to me, because not all was fake.

Oh and you might ask “what has amaterasu to do with any of this?”
it is because.i met her, talked to her. I got engaged. I fell in love with amaterasu and japan.
AND I WILL NOT, and can not, deny the reality of those feelings.

Neither my feelings for her, nor the entities that i worked with or thought i was working with.
What “doesnt exist” i will create. My heart would be in tremendous pain without her.

12

first steps done -the headache is still terrible

13

FREEDOM.

Astrael = Astarte, Inanna
Eldraath= innanna with a greedy vile twist to it
Xath’Kirzian= Tiamat ( mama <3)

i also channeled from my wife/mother/sister who i used to call “Astrael”
i thank you Slayden.

I feel…imense headaches
but also happiness

14

YOU KNOW WHAT :smiley: as a joke, im gonna look up the same DnD language that the cabal used, and im gonna put together something that will be of the meaning of “what lies behind the maergzjirah” -and then im gonna use that as a title for a coven, that will ACTUALLY deal with those entities.

15

SPECIALS DAYS THAT I WILL HONOR -FOR MY LIFE

today: the 6th/7th of october -i will call it…the “day of revelations and reunion”
also the 13th of december (fitting my death and the winter solstice) =rebirth, death, humility, forgivness

I NOW KNOW WTF ACTUALLY WENT DOWN

16

suppsoedly Zazazel, was there to collect my essence back in the day, so i may be devoured by my brother. (Zazazel being Azazel or a aspect of him actually)

but when i died, the curse upon me did as welll…and i first got to a place that i thought was the heavens, because it was bright, there was greek-roman archetecture, peopel in white-gold clothes and people pale, beautiful and with golden dragon eyes

they called me “ENKRIT” like the bird of a mythos i never heard about
it is a bird race, which yearly goes on a journey that is (by design) dangerous, and if you return, you will have proven yourself, and wil lbe allowed to breed.

now i know…that the light isnt necessarily evil, and looking at ASTARTE …my sister, my belvoed…it all makes sense IT WAS HER…that told me it was fucking her…omfgs

ALSO when i was brought to ziggurats (sumerians love that shit) with the dragons and stuff…
it was probablyAzazel and …

Azazel: no, i merely escorted you there -dumbass. That was someone, that predates what you funny folks call “satanas” yeah, you humans with your funny names for everythig (sighs) oh boy ANYWAY.im glad you are back.

me: ok so…
azazel: oh come on -you already know the answer. its simple: dont trust, whatever and anything, that cabal tried to teach you. Nothing. BUT trust what you channel yourself, and did channel yourself.
This is my mandate upon you -all, that im asking for, “brother” is that you trust your own divinity, and not blindly follow the ones who have confidence, influence -yet no power. Do that, and i shall reward you -as the others will, with our embrace, child.

me: then…whats the meaning of my wahsh? why is he called “deus” ?
azazel: you know why. become one with who you truly are, and once you know and feel it, and practice it, no ways but your own -you may teach, to help liberate those souls, before the coming demise of this realm. Anyway, i probably should leave now, seeing as though the process i not complete yet.
me: what…do you mean?
azazel: your abilities and power were suppressed by that current, you must now break free.
bye for now

17

OH MY FUCKINGS GODS -THIS ALL MAKES SENSE

~when used the black speach, which was nothing suppressed by the cabal, it was moren potent, because it wasnt a fucking trap. ALSO -funny enough, when used this very black speahc, TO LITERALLY create aimmortals that are like people from a show called “the dragon prince” -i actually channeled their magic -which is just called inthe series “dark magic” which seemingly deals with essence, life and maybe darkmatter itself -and that shit ACTUALLY WORKED BETTER XD than what was in the books -so this is why i had such a tremendous rush using it…OH MY FUCKING GODS.

3 Likes
18

This is a fascinating post and I know it’s going to get buried, but I’ll be watching with interest, please keep posting. :+1:

1 Like
19

Bildschirmfoto_2020-10-07_13-08-32

i told you, i would do it :3

4 Likes
20

Right before i found the HOURS of videos worth by Slayden (thanks :frowning: you stupid sexy bastard)
i had a dream, about a huge green beast, like a mutated orc from the WoW-movie, but worse, hunting me and forcing me out of hiding, making me abandon reluctantly, all my notes and handwritten girmoires.

After that dream, headaches and agonizing burning plagued me for days -a few hours long phases of grand intensity among them.

This is what happened, directly prior to this drastic change of course.

2 Likes
21

IF YOU WANT i could look up my archives and get a screenshot of having a cabal mage, explain to us “noobies” those parasites that were plaguing us at that time.
~He fold us to just “dont do any magic for a month and they will disappear” (sicne they fed on magic and souls) ~ONly problem: we were in a time of full blown out warfare, and that ### wanted us to just be like “eh yo…enemies? uhm…can we have a month long tea break?” …

2 Likes