I’ve actually had visions of Lilith eating my body before and felt some pain to go along with it. I really didn’t want to share this information since oftentimes when anyone says anything that might appear as negative regarding these deities people within the LHP often tend to dismiss it. Although, I guess I was literally asking for it considering that night I had decided to do some vampiric blood magick with her.
What bothers me about this sort of thing, at least reflecting it back against myself, is how readily I’d assume that my own genes would confabulate, lie, and tell whatever stories they can to have me up and running to make babies, succeed in the material world, and do my part for germ line immortality. In large part the radical dishonesty in our culture comes from people who provisionally believe they hold one set of values while their subconscious mind does most of the dirty work, handles the pragmatic back-stabbing sorts of issues, to which many people confabulate stories to describe because they don’t understand their own actions.
I’ve had too many visions go in situationally convenient ways which is why I find them questionable if they follow an assumption of one sort or another, gratify a narrative or theory too well, or throw in too much self-contradiction. I tend to trust them more if something happens out of the blue that breaks with expectations or makes little sense at the time but more later. I’m probably throwing out some valid ‘light taps on the shoulder’ if they don’t make their way to be louder or more abrupt than the system noise, I bring that up because it’s just another way where figuring these things out and sorting what from what tends to be really complicated. Heck, I’d be inclined to believe if was all psychological if I hadn’t had some very hyphenated, stand-out, and strong experiences, and particularly with goddesses or anything far up a hierarchy it seems like they can get a message out if needed.
I’m still somewhat skeptical of my own grasp on Lilith, I have the sense that she did some things to prep me for TOAF, that she does want me to work through the first book one ritual per month (very explicit on that) but past that other things can be very murky - for example my standard wake-ups in the early morning hours where I feel like something is playing with me, no clue what that is, how many different somethings that could be, whether it sits better in Jungian anima, Freudian Id, whether they both describe different aspects of the same thing, I just know that most of it is very Mercurial and inconsistent, and it sits well with a Darwinian evolution of conscious agents where almost everything is a grift, ie. a perpetual lying machine.
All of that is where I’m thinking that to make a proper and deep relationship with deities takes devotion, without that sorting signal from noise or having a clear enough theory of that deity to separate communications from the garble seems like a Sisyphean task.
