Ladilok Meditation

Love, Sex Magick & Relationships
20

Dear Ken,

I thought I’d add my two cents here since your thread doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. The meditation thing you described in the OP is superfluous. Working on the hypothesis that you’re trying to get a girl, I’d suggest letting the desire go before trying anything else. The desire itself will short-circuit the magical effect.

If its a specific girl you’re after, try conjuring for her to have a romantic dream about you via Spare’s method of sigilisation. We’ve all had a sexual dream about someone at some point, and woken to find ourselves immensely attracted to them.

Keep in mind that you will have to structure a body for Ladilok to communicate to you with. She is an archetype, a representation of vast power, not a programmable astral tamagotchi.

I hope this helps you.

Vimalananda

21

[quote=“Vimalananda, post:20, topic:4014”]Dear Ken,

I thought I’d add my two cents here since your thread doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. The meditation thing you described in the OP is superfluous. Working on the hypothesis that you’re trying to get a girl, I’d suggest letting the desire go before trying anything else. The desire itself will short-circuit the magical effect.

If its a specific girl you’re after, try conjuring for her to have a romantic dream about you via Spare’s method of sigilisation. We’ve all had a sexual dream about someone at some point, and woken to find ourselves immensely attracted to them.

Keep in mind that you will have to structure a body for Ladilok to communicate to you with. She is an archetype, a representation of vast power, not a programmable astral tamagotchi.

I hope this helps you.

Vimalananda[/quote]

I really haven’t expected my thread to “get anywhere” seeing this is my first dive into magik/evocation. I know that others may have the same questions / issues as me so just making it public. I appreciate your input though.

I am after one specific girl and just looking for a little push in my direction. Along with MY OWN efforts to make things happen. I’ll check out Spare’s method.

That’s what I’ve been reading around the forum and other various places. The contact with demons seems to reside in the astral. Bringing them here in our plane seems to be just as hard as me going into theirs!!!

I’ve read about the Monroe institute and got into astral projection, but always found myself just lying there in my bed with binural beats having my inner dialog getting impatient after an hour. Some people spend week, months, years being able to astral project.

How people do it while evocating is mind blowing to me. I can’t alter my brainwaves to theta / gamma while I’m laying in my bed. Some people do it like it’s riding a bike. I don’t want to have the attitude of “I can’t do it, so it’s impossible”, because I can’t do a lot of things other people can. However, any measure of success would be encouraging. Either with evocation of Ladilok or the situational goal for which I’m summoning her.

22

the crossroads is deep hypnotic trance. when you go into hyper trance you naturally astral project.

because they’re doing it wrong. i am seriously looking into going into a sensory deprivation tank - have heard they get you into deep trance in about an hour regardless of if you can do autohypnosis or not.

they practice doing trancework a lot until they naturally go in and out of trance without trying. it’s called fractionation and it’s very powerful.

you have to train the ability. it takes a lot of work and you have to know what you are doing and how your inductions and deepeners get you through. you also need good solid inductions and deepeners that actually work. some don’t. it takes a lot of trial and error, or a good hypnotist whcih of course costs money. but it can be done.

23

There’s a method within Core Shamanism whereby you structure, as in, use a visualised image of, a tree that you know already and which then infills with energy to become your, and the, “World Tree” - the Axis Mundi of creation.

It’s beyond my ability/patience-level :slight_smile: to fully describe this concept and explain all the “how/what/why/when” stuff but it seems to me that approaching astral travel of any kind is best done by using methods designed to make “Change to occur in conformity with Will” and not, much as I respect them, via the semi-scientific approach.

But what I’m trying to get at is there are ways to make soul travel/AP etc., be more than either just lying in bed day-dreaming, or something measurable enough by various standards that it would cease to be “magick” the monents its mechanisms of action were understood (as has already happened with acupuncture and a lot of herbalism).

24

it’s happening more and more every day. trancework, eeg biofeedback, sensory deprivation, brainwave entrainment, silva method, transcendental meditation, vipassana dhyana/zen, ceremonial magick, ne thought/positive thinking, all are to do that type of work. it’s happening but nothing has caught hold yet. eventually.

25

Just an update on what’s happened in my life within the span of a month.

I got put in a situation where I could make a move and it all went horribly wrong.

The person I was after leaves work the same time I do. Every day I have a 5 minute window when walking out to make contact. Also she smokes so I would try go to break the same time she did and find a reason to talk to her. I had some rapport built up and everything was going good.

Then my car decided to crap out on me. The battery just stopped working. The alternator blew out it was a chocolate mess. I thought my life was over because I couldn’t get to work. Then I realized the silver lining.

While leaving work she asked where I was going because I wasn’t walking to the parking lot as normal. I said I was walking home because it’s only 4 miles. My car is broke blah blah, the whole sob story. She offered to give me a ride home. BAM! Here’s my chance.

I started talking about clothes, transitioned into what she was wearing. Said her legs looked nice in this blue, white pokedot mini dress she was wearing. Obviously looking for attention. Then she said…“they’re soft too”. “NO WAY! I bet you have flabby milf legs.” I responded. I reached over and grabbed her upper thigh. Then I just left my had there and said “why are they so warm?” Then, while driving, she grab my hand and slid it up higher and goes “that’s even warmer.”

Needless to say we pulled over into an apartment complex, still in the car, and I took care of business like it was the last piece I would ever get.

Mission accomplished right? Well kind of.

Apparently, someone saw me getting in to her car. She’s a supervisor at work so that raised some questions. She broke under pressure. Spilled the beans about everything. Told the truth about what happened. Then they pull me in for questioning. Of course I lie like Satan to try and save my ass. Said it was just a ride home. Why are you asking questions about my private life etc.?

Long story short, I got fired. I was a temp employee and they could fire me if I sneezed wrong anyways. I only make enough to live paycheck to paycheck. I can’t pay rent now. Lost my job. I’ll be homeless in a week when they evict me. Was it really worth it in the end? No.

I remember reading on here that demons have a sense of humor. Maybe this was just a way to teach me a lesson. You need to be 100% sure you want what you’re asking for. The ramifications of what you put out into the universe need to be considered carefully.

I was laying in my bed thinking about it and just busted out laughing so hard. The irony of it all. I had gotten what I wanted, but lost focus on the rest of my life. This lustful drive, the singular focus in my life for the past couple of months had been to accomplish this and I lost everything because of it.

I don’t blame the Demoness Ladilok. I was the force that put this into motion. I was the one who night after night willed this with all my being. I’ve never worked so hard to bring about my own destruction. I never actually manifested Ladilok. That doesn’t mean she didn’t hear my request in the astral. Through my own doing or this cosmic force working on my behalf I accomplished my goal.

Now I’m forced into a struggle for my survival. Where to eat, where to sleep, how to make money. Maybe I need to be free from the office 9-5 to see my true potential.

Life goes on. My eyes are wide open now.

4 Likes
26

My question is, did you want just the one and only session or would you consider making the best of it and continue with her if she’d want to. Now that you have been fired, there is nothing stopping you from dating her if you so wish. I mean, why not continue sleeping with her until you find yourself another one that distracts you from her? You my as well continue with it, since you got sacked for it.
Yes, the lady panicked and confessed everything, but did they tell her she’d be sacked too, if she continued seeing you, now that you are no longer there? Who know, maybe she’d want to do it in a bed. A bed and a car are different, and I am sure she’d like to consumate it in a less cfraped space than a car.
Just saying…
Heh, you have nothing to lose anymore now, do you? Let us know…
I’d certainly go for more if I were you. Let her say no, then you can turn away…But for now, i say enjoy the fruit of your Magick Labour!

27

Me too had strange side effects with Ladilok, but I’ve continued to work with her other times because the price I paid was ok for what I got.

So… now it’s time to work with Paimon to put in the mind of your manager that he has to get you back at your job :wink:

28

[quote=“KenTabor, post:25, topic:4014”]Just an update on what’s happened in my life within the span of a month.

I got put in a situation where I could make a move and it all went horribly wrong.

The person I was after leaves work the same time I do. Every day I have a 5 minute window when walking out to make contact. Also she smokes so I would try go to break the same time she did and find a reason to talk to her. I had some rapport built up and everything was going good.

Then my car decided to crap out on me. The battery just stopped working. The alternator blew out it was a chocolate mess. I thought my life was over because I couldn’t get to work. Then I realized the silver lining.

While leaving work she asked where I was going because I wasn’t walking to the parking lot as normal. I said I was walking home because it’s only 4 miles. My car is broke blah blah, the whole sob story. She offered to give me a ride home. BAM! Here’s my chance.

I started talking about clothes, transitioned into what she was wearing. Said her legs looked nice in this blue, white pokedot mini dress she was wearing. Obviously looking for attention. Then she said…“they’re soft too”. “NO WAY! I bet you have flabby milf legs.” I responded. I reached over and grabbed her upper thigh. Then I just left my had there and said “why are they so warm?” Then, while driving, she grab my hand and slid it up higher and goes “that’s even warmer.”

Needless to say we pulled over into an apartment complex, still in the car, and I took care of business like it was the last piece I would ever get.

Mission accomplished right? Well kind of.

Apparently, someone saw me getting in to her car. She’s a supervisor at work so that raised some questions. She broke under pressure. Spilled the beans about everything. Told the truth about what happened. Then they pull me in for questioning. Of course I lie like Satan to try and save my ass. Said it was just a ride home. Why are you asking questions about my private life etc.?

Long story short, I got fired. I was a temp employee and they could fire me if I sneezed wrong anyways. I only make enough to live paycheck to paycheck. I can’t pay rent now. Lost my job. I’ll be homeless in a week when they evict me. Was it really worth it in the end? No.

I remember reading on here that demons have a sense of humor. Maybe this was just a way to teach me a lesson. You need to be 100% sure you want what you’re asking for. The ramifications of what you put out into the universe need to be considered carefully.

I was laying in my bed thinking about it and just busted out laughing so hard. The irony of it all. I had gotten what I wanted, but lost focus on the rest of my life. This lustful drive, the singular focus in my life for the past couple of months had been to accomplish this and I lost everything because of it.

I don’t blame the Demoness Ladilok. I was the force that put this into motion. I was the one who night after night willed this with all my being. I’ve never worked so hard to bring about my own destruction. I never actually manifested Ladilok. That doesn’t mean she didn’t hear my request in the astral. Through my own doing or this cosmic force working on my behalf I accomplished my goal.

Now I’m forced into a struggle for my survival. Where to eat, where to sleep, how to make money. Maybe I need to be free from the office 9-5 to see my true potential.

Life goes on. My eyes are wide open now.[/quote]

you got exactly what you asked for, but you also got a wake-up call.

ladilok recognized that you have a drive to become a master, but your circumstances are that of a slave. you can’t be a master and a slave, only be one or the other.

ladilok is pulling the rug out from underneath you to challenge you to rise up to mastery level where nobody can ever tell you what to do or how to do it. if you are going to master a woman you also have to master your finances. you can’t do one without the other unless you are a gigolo or a male prostitute. ladilok is challenging you to rise up in your manhood and earn your own fortunes.

mastery over women is one part of the application of persuasion. persuasion is also applied to make a fortune.

i noticed a long time ago that almost every thought leader and digerati internet marketer uses nonstop persuasion of the exact same type that seducers use to pick up women. in fact, i believe that anyone who seduces women should also be able to do their business marketing. you have to modify it from speech to email and setting up a sales funnel to sell a product, but it is the same thing. ladilok’s opening plus your drive and ambition can work for you if you find a way to make it happen.

the left hand path when you really walk it is NOT for the weak of heart. you have to be bold.

find the sharpest and simplest way to make money online and apply it as fast as you can. take what ladilok has taught you and find a way to make money online. then you can go further with this woman and others like her or better.

real satanism is NOT an easy road. it really is sink or swim. that’s why there may only be a few thousand REAL satanists in the entire world. i wish i could tell you otherwise, but this is the reality. if you want to be the real thing, you have to be strong.

i can tell you this much: i am proud of you. in a world of cowards you took what you wanted. that takes virtus. i know exactly what you’re going through, i went through the exact same thing, and now i understand why and what i must do.

this next part of your life is going to be a genuine test of your satanism. you are going to have to be brave now and not apologize for anything you do or anything that happens as a result of that. it’s to test your mettle and make you strong.

if you can, read the first part of the deofel quintet tonight. but don’t wallow too long in indolence. move quickly, you have no choice. begin to look around you to find a way to make money online. it will come to you but you have to reach out strongly for it.

1 Like
29

Where did you find that conjuration? like which book is it from?

30

Where did you find that conjuration? like which book is it from?[/quote]

Honestly I couldn’t tell you. I read through Kingdom of Flames and a lot of people pm’ed me giving pieces here and there. Then I also search through EA’s stuff on BALG and YouTube. I tried to past everything I used and describe it as best I could.

Sorry about that, I tried to give back more than I took to help the community. Check out some of my other posts / threads too. Some good conversations went on.

31

[quote=“the fool, post:28, topic:4014”]you got exactly what you asked for, but you also got a wake-up call.

ladilok recognized that you have a drive to become a master, but your circumstances are that of a slave. you can’t be a master and a slave, only be one or the other.

ladilok is pulling the rug out from underneath you to challenge you to rise up to mastery level where nobody can ever tell you what to do or how to do it. if you are going to master a woman you also have to master your finances. you can’t do one without the other unless you are a gigolo or a male prostitute. ladilok is challenging you to rise up in your manhood and earn your own fortunes.

mastery over women is one part of the application of persuasion. persuasion is also applied to make a fortune.

i noticed a long time ago that almost every thought leader and digerati internet marketer uses nonstop persuasion of the exact same type that seducers use to pick up women. in fact, i believe that anyone who seduces women should also be able to do their business marketing. you have to modify it from speech to email and setting up a sales funnel to sell a product, but it is the same thing. ladilok’s opening plus your drive and ambition can work for you if you find a way to make it happen.

the left hand path when you really walk it is NOT for the weak of heart. you have to be bold.

find the sharpest and simplest way to make money online and apply it as fast as you can. take what ladilok has taught you and find a way to make money online. then you can go further with this woman and others like her or better.

real satanism is NOT an easy road. it really is sink or swim. that’s why there may only be a few thousand REAL satanists in the entire world. i wish i could tell you otherwise, but this is the reality. if you want to be the real thing, you have to be strong.

i can tell you this much: i am proud of you. in a world of cowards you took what you wanted. that takes virtus. i know exactly what you’re going through, i went through the exact same thing, and now i understand why and what i must do.

this next part of your life is going to be a genuine test of your satanism. you are going to have to be brave now and not apologize for anything you do or anything that happens as a result of that. it’s to test your mettle and make you strong.

if you can, read the first part of the deofel quintet tonight. but don’t wallow too long in indolence. move quickly, you have no choice. begin to look around you to find a way to make money online. it will come to you but you have to reach out strongly for it.[/quote]

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with this. This mindset pretty much says no matter what happens the spirit is working for my best interest. That is not always the case, sometimes a spirit will try to get away with more than it should and this thpe of attitude just allows the spirit to have it’s way with you.

If it all works out great “Yay the spirit came through for me!”
If it turns out bad “The spirit is transforming your life into something better even though you never asked it to.”
This sounds so much like hardcore Christianity to me that I can’t wrap my head around it. They do the same thing if it works out “Praise Jesus!” If it turns sour “Well the Lord works in mysterious ways and we just have to trust…”

What happened to the personal responsibility in magic? Do we just give it all to spirit and let them do as they please? If you’re going to chalk up every good or bad experience surrounding a working to the spirits then were is the line drawn?

How is snatching a guys job out from under him when he’s already living hand to mouth supposed to empowering to him? If anything it sounds as if he has been made more subserviant which could be seen as either a backlash of working with a controlling and dominating spirit such as Ladilok or the spirits influence over reaching it’s bound either would be unacceptable to me. You are the magician and you are in control until you decide otherwise either in ritual or in your daily life.

To me it sounds like nothing more than Ken had a successful operation that he did not think through very well. He chose to pursue a woman he worked with which could have negative consequences to the rest of his life which is exactly what happened. He chose to attempt to master someone else before mastering his own drives and motivations. I’m not knocking him but we see this attitude that no matter what happens it’s the spirits somehow influencing your life which seems more like mysticism than magic imo and leaves out the magicians influence on his/her own life and the responsibility for their own actions.

Best of luck to you Ken on putting it all back together again.

32

[quote=“the fool, post:28, topic:4014”]you got exactly what you asked for, but you also got a wake-up call.

ladilok recognized that you have a drive to become a master, but your circumstances are that of a slave. you can’t be a master and a slave, only be one or the other.

ladilok is pulling the rug out from underneath you to challenge you to rise up to mastery level where nobody can ever tell you what to do or how to do it.[/quote]

And:

I’m going to walk between the two and say that, if as my UPG strongly suggests, a demon “is” (among other things) the insane mad lustful love for certain types of actions, outcomes, etc., then yes, Ladilock’s intereference may well have also played out as The Fool described, but (as TWF mentions) not in any way to do with your own best interests, but simply because that’s what that demon loves.

You can now turn that to your advantage, and I hope you do.

Belial tried to talk me and my partner out of being into BDSM because he has this “without masters” thing as part of his interests, and found that dynamic in our lives unpleasant, even though it’s something we’ve both seperately been into for as long as we can remember and have no desire to change - given his way, he’d have placed his own will ahead of ours, which is what demons like to try sometimes, but not because they’re “evil rebellious hobgoblins” but just because they love their speciality so damned much (pun intended).

This reminds me of the story of King Midas, who wanted gold, and then everything he touched turned into it, and he could no longer even hold his child - you need to get demons to understand that their big love in this level of reality isn’t wanted in ALL areas and that you want to keep some things under your own dominion - I’ll be posting my current ideas on that very shortly for whatever they’re worth.

I dated someone who could translate any situation into a similar scenario from Star Trek or Batman and a bunch of other nerdy stuff, I mean literally ANYTHING, it kind of was the lens through which he saw the world and he had zero interest in anything much else, and I can be obsessive myself - if you’ve ever dated or known anyone with a true one-track mind, you might kind of know what I mean about them being so totally into their one thing, that everything else is irrelevant.

33

you said it perfectly.

it’s not that the spirits are trying to have their way with you or fuck you up. they just happen to be rigid is all and they are stuck on their own way of looking at the situation. they have their own agenda.

it’s like one guy i knew who was trying to date my ex. he literally could not have a conversation without bringing up metallica. every idea in his mind had to eventually come back around to relate to metallica. where he lost out with my ex is that she casually mentioned that she didn’t want to talk about music anymore. after that it went straight down the tubes.

another bud i had back in the day was all the way into wwe and wcw wrestling. every conversation he ever had with anyone had to come back around to his favourite pro wrestlers. if the topic ever went beyond pro wrestling he was LOST! and when you’d ask him something he didn’t understand, he’d stop for a moment and then use wrestling slogans he got from television entertainment programs. it was actually quite comical cos he was so laid back all the time, but some people couldn’t handle the fact that he was so one-track minded.

a third person i know only ever talks about money. it is literally not possible for him to have a conversation about anything that isn’t somehow turned around to the idea of money. he’s also very religious, but you can tell quite plainly that when he talks about god he doesn’t mean the god of abraham isaac and jacob, or any other spirit from any pantheon you care to name. he means the god of cash and credit. whether he realizes it or not, his god can only be money, and for him the only thing besides money is more money.

to my way of thinking, demons are the same way in their thinking. the demon of war is about war all the time, the demon of lust is about lust all the time, the demon of pride is about pride ALL the time. they’re not dabblers or part timers. you’re all the way in when you really comjure them and everything unrelated will be forced into submission or out of the way. they operate and exist entirely within an idea and that idea is all they know. when you try to change the subject or introduce another idea that runs tangentally to whatever they are about, well… things get wierd.

ladilok is entirely about sexual domination. the human version of her would be a hot party girl who has read way too much fifty shades of gray erotica and her idea of a ‘real man’ is christian gray or some former jock turned ceo moneybags type of guy she hooks up with after the club on saturday night. but the goddess version of that. so she’s going to twist and turn and cut and hack and jam and crush anything out of your life that doesn’t remind her of christian gray or her bigshot ceo boyfriend love interest thingy.

so now she finds out you work for a boss? fuck that. christian gray owns companies, he doesn’t answer to anyone. and ladilok isn’t going to let you work for anyone else like a slave! so there you go. now you’re out of a job.

you’re too shy to approach a girl? fuck that. christian gray goes for what he wants. and ladilok isn’t going to let you weasel your way out of a seduction like a weakling or a pussy. so now women are going to be forcing themselves into your life or they’re going to shit test you extra hard to see if you can rise to the challenge. now all of a sudden women are being extra aggressive with you and giving you a hard time.

you’re out of shape? fuck that. christian gray is in perfect shape. ladilok isn’t into flabby or fat men, what a turnoff for her! so now all of a sudden you have people offering you gym memberships all damn day and challenging you to fitness contests and sporting events.

etc.

demons are one-track minded. and just like anyone who only has one track mind, to them they are right about everything and you always have to listen to them. that is not actually a bad thing. you WANT that kind of force because it cuts right through the inertia, laziness, and muddled thinking of most of humanity and it knocks down challenges like a bowling ball coming out of a cannon. but it means if you want to hit your target, you have to aim carefully. otherwise you end up knocking down the wrong things or end up deleting things in your life that maybe you’d rather keep.

finally. what they know and are expert at may involve areas and mindsets that you didn’t take into account. for instance, belial is without a master, but many upper class men in ancient times and even to this very day quietly engage in pederasty as a social pastime. so if you find belial telling you hey, you might need to go spank some little boys or get them to suck your wee wee in the back of a limo from time to time, it’s because he’s letting you know, that’s what the big boys do and if you wanna be a big boy that’s how you play the game. when you were thinking of not answering to a boss you probably didn’t take that into account, but belial lives in that sphere so everything involved with that sphere, good bad ugly indifferent open and hidden, he takes for granted whether you are aware of it or not. and for him, that is all he knows or cares to know about. so if you want what he’s got he’s going to tell you how he got it and what is on his mind that keeps him having it, whether you are ready for that or not.

when it comes to the spirits you have to negotiate hard to let them know what you will and will not do. if you give them free reign they’ll take over and do things THEIR way NOT YOURS. meaning, they’ll talk about metallica all the goddamn time. or every time you open your mouth you will be expected to chant pro wrestling slogans. or everything in your life will be about money. whatever the spirit is into, you will be expected to be into it with NO RESPITE.

the way to handle that is to have boundaries, and maybe limit your exposure to the spirit in question outside of their sphere of influence.

something to think about.

7 Likes
34

All what you guys said? Awesome and true. Just as an addendum I will post my recent experience with Marbas and how his gentle demeanor turned into one bothersome, childish tantrum that as for now it is solved.

As -the fool- said, there must be an imposition of limits and never, EVER give a demon carte blanche to act fully on his own. Because it seems that some are pretty much autistic at times.

Long story made short: Summoned him for healing a person. Three days go by where I don’t see any results, Marbas tries to possess me (feeling loss of individual thought, closing eyes and seeing myself adopting a more Marbas-like shape, etc…), moves stuff around my home, and pesters the person I asked to be healed by knocking on her wardrobe during the whole night.

In the end he tells me that more or less I should give some of my energy to him so he can work with it and transfer it to this person. I, through visualization, give up some of my own energy but “purify” it so it cannot be linked to me. And you know what he does? Through vision, he takes that energy, looks at me and then flips it to the ground. Just like a kid would let a piece of jam and toast flop to the ground.

All in all he was pissed at the offering because I did it in a hurried fashion, but the possession part (he explains) was to try to “turn me into a healer” so that I could do it myself.

I thought of calling him a silly motherfucker, but his behaviour was explained as simply as: “Well, you didn’t give details”. All I said was “rid this person of her ailment”. He spent three of my days with prankster bullshit just because he could, and just because I didn’t sit my arse down to talk about conditions and stuff.

Serves me right, but come on Marbas! This is sitcom-level shenanigans! It’s not the first time we work together anyways! D: (And seriously, don’t fucking touch my electronics, I swear to God I will astral travel and mess up your spices cabinet or something).

1 Like
35

i rest my case. sometimes evocation can resemble an abbott and costello routine. that’s all i’m going to say for now

36

Just an update to close out this thread. I still get random pm’s from people about it so thought I’d follow up for everyone.

Basically I ended up being homeless living under a bridge for a short time. Sold all my things for money. Including my car. Just had a backpack full of clothes and a few hundred dollars.

I managed to find a friend to let me live with him. Took me a month to get a new job. I saved up and got some decent clothes for work. I also got a reliable car a month later working overtime like crazy. I’m now renting a room and am somewhat back on my feet. Took me about 3 months to pull my shit back together.

I hate to quote star wars here but, “Your focus determines your reality.”

I’m more or less back to where I was before I started this whole process. I’m amazed at how fast I was able to jump back up. Focusing on yourself and your goals, really focusing and making every minute count is what did it for me.

I think this lust driven adventure was something I wasn’t ready for. If anything it revealed that I need to work on me. I need to be more financially stable. I need to set short and long term goals. I need to take care of my body. I need to work on my attitude and realize it affects the world around me.

I was looking outwardly for a resolution for my desires, when I could probably fulfill them myself. Instead of putting in the work with rituals I could have been executing a plan to improve myself.

My advice to people looking for an entity to do the work for you or “help you out”. Look at yourself first and see where you don’t measure up, then count the cost. What is it you’re really trying to accomplish? What need is it you’re really trying to fill? Purpose drive action in the here and now.

I tested the fire and got burned and what was left was a sad pathetic man. Certainly not the “Living God” I aspire to become. I’ll continue my journey down the LHP, stronger and wiser than before.

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You’re actually fucking awesome for giving us the no-frills accounts on how this turned out, including hitting a real low there.

I managed to almost destroy my own life by going so far up the RHP road of renunciation and detachment (trying to achieve non-differentiated merger with the Divine) that everything fell away, and I struggled for a while with the fact that what I thought was “the right thing” bit me in the ass so hard, so I think I can maybe relate a little.

Please stick around and post more further along if you have anything to share, and meanwhile wishing you the very best!

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[quote=“KenTabor, post:36, topic:4014”]Just an update to close out this thread. I still get random pm’s from people about it so thought I’d follow up for everyone.

Basically I ended up being homeless living under a bridge for a short time. Sold all my things for money. Including my car. Just had a backpack full of clothes and a few hundred dollars.[/quote]

if only you knew how many inboxes i get from others who end up going through the same thing. ftr, i’m going through it too and have been for a few years.

you did it a whole hell of a lot faster than i have been. i’ve been down over seven YEARS.

i think there’s something else you may not be aware of, and i’m going to come right out and say it:

when you live in a judeoxian world, you take the judeoxian god’s grace for granted. when you step into the demonic, the judeoxian grace period comes to an end. at that point you live and die by what you generate for yourself.

in order to be a living god, you can’t live in someone else’s universe. you have to create your own.

it’s not until you decide to be a living god that you are evicted from the previous world and have no choice but to create your own from scratch.

when you contacted ladilok, yhvh basically told you to fuck off and go get your own. you can’t sit with us, you’re not in the jesus clique anymore.

and that’s the first time you realized how lonely it is to be your own god. frei aber einsam, frei aber froh as joseph joachim would have said.

at that point you realize for the first time in your life that you weren’t standing on your own two feet, or weren’t standing on your own ground. you were either being carred around by unseen forces, or you were living on someone else’s property. and when you have to stand up, you find out how strong YOUR legs are. and when you need ground, you find out exactly what YOU own vs what has been given or lent out to you.

so you end up back at square one, and everything you build from here on in is going to be YOURS. not borrowed from sweet baby jesus or the blessed virgin mary or allah the magnificent, or whoever. it’s all YOURS with the help of your demon or whoever you call on. for better of for worse, you are creating your own world, your own heaven or your own hell, but whatever you create, it is yours.

now that you know the stakes, you can play the game for real.

[quote=“KenTabor, post:36, topic:4014”]I was looking outwardly for a resolution for my desires, when I could probably fulfill them myself. Instead of putting in the work with rituals I could have been executing a plan to improve myself.

My advice to people looking for an entity to do the work for you or “help you out”. Look at yourself first and see where you don’t measure up, then count the cost. What is it you’re really trying to accomplish? What need is it you’re really trying to fill? Purpose drive action in the here and now.[/quote]

also, ask yourself. how much of others’ momentum have you relied on to get you this far? because when you start down this path, you won’t get ANY more favors from previously beneficial forces and you are going to have to generate your own luck, through hard work and also through many many different rituals to bring you power. it’s no different from being an entrepreneur - after a while of working for yourself, you become unemployable and other business owners see you as a competitor to push out of the way, no longer as an asset to hire. it it then becomes YOUR responsibility to capitalize yourself since nobody will put you on their payroll anymore. nobody ever tells you this stuff going in. YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. and once you hit a certain point, there’s no turning back.

no.

actually…you took off others’ robes and saw that underneath it all, you were naked.

now it’s up to you to create your own robes.

and when you do…you’ll never be naked again. because your robes will truly be YOUR robes. not somebody else’s.

you are actually making progress. i mean REAL progress.

this is the stuff nobody ever wants to admit to. you got through the dark night of the soul and it’s sunrise for you now.

keep at it, ken. and keep us posted

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I have to contact Ladilok by opening her sigil and in a lucid dream. She did not show up. I even asked for her “in the name of Azazel”. I still did not see her.

Has anyone had any success with her? Did I miss a step?