[ Within days, this is my second post in the Journal section, which is sounds insane to me for I was about to avoid the section and keep in secret most of my experiences and knowledge - I wonāt deny this, but now I really feel like I have to write about it ]
I talked about my real name before, and my real nameās meaning, and itās connection to the God, Indra, who is a Warrior God. But my story with this Name is a bit longer. When I was 13-14 years old, exactly because of this, I started using it for long (5-6 years).
Indra A.
( Here an older proof of my used name - you can see my sign )
When I changed this name and started using it, my life is also changed.
I met a group of spiritual people (āolderā than me), magickians who are already knew me, and I felt like I knew them as well. Weāre experienced fantastic things together. They had a very close connection with Hinduism, deeper than mine, and they are accepted my used name, Indra. They called me like this, even when weāre was on a personal meeting, face to face. No doubt, Iāve always had āstuffsā what really connected me to this as well, but I didnāt gave too much attention to it.
When I came here, the name Indra popped up again in my head, but at this time
Iāve put my focus on the āWarrior Godā - and Iām sure there are persons who still remember this.
It is almost happened the same moment when I started hearing Abaddon.
He asked loyalty from me.
Then I wanted to find out, what does it means, but I donāt even get a single answer, even from Him.
After nearly 133 days, maybeā¦ just maybe, I start understand it.
Abaddon doesnāt wanted absolute loyalty from me - in that way how I thought, and when EA answered to me in this topic, He also observed this from an another perspective.
What did He meant, then?
- Loyalty towards my path.
- Loyalty towards magick.
- Loyalty towards myself.
( Also loyalty towards all Deity who really want support me? - Loyalty, because I have to hear and answer Their call before or after? - for it happens because a very deep and important reason, which got proven anyway, every single time. )
And why He asked ābe loyal only towards meā - WE ARE somehowā¦ can be different, but in the same time, we are ONE. So the part: ātowards meā can define everything in the same time. There are an another reason why I think in this way. Let me explain it - because itāll really connected to my new urges towardsā¦ Shiva, and youāll find out, why.
Iām really fighting against lots of things now, to be able to understand and accept.
Do you remember my last Journal post, right?
[ It seemed way easier, talking about these in my mind, while writing about it is something else. ]
Father Lucifer
My 1st Husband in the Infernal Empire, King Belial
Abaddon
Sitri
(And there are Others who supported me but doesnāt really
happened this kind of contact between Us like the Gods above like Baal and Azazel)
These are those Deities whom I met and started working with in the last months the most intensely, and everything what They told me, explained things, showed me new things, andā¦ makes me confused, and combinateing those with my experiences, it drives my mind nearly insane.
I have millions of questions in my mind, and the more I try to understand, the more I feel like Iāll go insane. Why? Because I feel like thatā¦ observing it behind the human understanding isnāt really possible. With a fragile, limited mind you really want to understand:
This is a twisted worldā¦
Twisted world in a twisted universe, with twisted Spirits, twisted planes, twisted Gods, twisted systems and twisted truth.
At this point I started making sure that, if you really want to understand what the truth behind,
you have to became as twisted as everything else around you, and when you are lost, you finally found what you really wished for. Why? Because this isnāt how your human brains be able to work at this level. It is a safe space for a meatbagās illusions.
But how could you make sure you know the ārightā things if you are became insane, merged with the āTwisted Oneā?
It doesnāt really leave any rest to me.
I want to know everything, understand everything. Even what Iāve just experienced, seemed impossible to really understand and know as deep as I want.
How does it possible to find a rest behind a silly human mind, if you know that there are something
what youāve always knew, and you just want to feel like āyou get backā?
Something what you doesnāt even lost.
Knowledge.
Do we really wanāt to follow this illusion of āI have a lack of somethingā - or we just have to raise above what we canāt before, and manifest everything with tons of time and energy, in a lesser twisted world, to infect everything withā¦ ourselves?
And after all of these thoughts, I hear nothing more but silence. Sometimes whispers.
At this point, a side of mine really started to screaming out for Peace and Balance and Silence.
If we can not find those, we have to create it, for this is the part of something, what we took with us. Just like the Chaos, Darkness, Destructionā¦
ā¦Everything is in Us.
ā¦We are Everything.
Shivaās arrival just gave me an another spin.
Just thinking about Him makes me nervous. Why? - I donāt know, at all.
Should I be really nervous because of Him? Or I am nervous because ā¦ I donāt know what will come?
First I just saw an image about Him. Then I really saw a lonely sculpture in a god damn food centre standing alone! - Now I can not escape from my toughs about Him, and want to know, understand moreā¦ again!
And how my mind finally find some minutes rest after those twisted lines, an another question just lurking around my mind:
I know, that there are a close connection between Indra and Shiva. Is could be nothing more, just a coincidence then, that my name has an exact contact with the name, Indra?
It is painful to realize that, the only thing what makes me āfearāā¦ the Peace.