Split: Finding "Us" ☯

[Nagash]

It is hard to say any words about this situation, or at least… finding one what I could start with about… how I feel now.

When I was born, I’ve experienced and knew many things without rading, hearing about them. Saw what people can only dream about… I felt myself very, very uncomfortable in my skin, but I knew I’ve made a decision, which was this one, to incarnate again.

How the time has passed, I’ve noticed that it is… very, very hard to understand myself. I knew, that this is something what I must do, and have to start already. I was only a 8-9 years old girl, who thought things like this, and besides herself, started observe the world around her, and everything, everyone in it.

But it is very hard to get know yourself when you are not really “one”
While your mind kept telling you that you are “one” person and nothing more, “I’am One”.

I noticed, that I have several ‘personalities’, aspects, sides. First I tought this is nothing more just single mood swings but no, they aren’t. And no matter what, they are alternates. Sometimes within a second, and changes back in an another one, but sometimes the “side” dominates for way longer.

It was strange experiencing it, but I made sure that I didn’t lost my mind, and I can see the world and things clear around me. Funny or not, at an exact point I’ve asked my mother, to take me to a kinesiologist and a psychologist as well, because I have to find out things, I want to talk with them (I was 14 years old at this time). Of course, I didn’t reveal anything about my true purpose, before them. It was my secret, but I wanted them to observe me.

They didn’t told me anything suspicious connecting to any kind of personality disorder or similar like this, at all… I’m absolutely impressed them, and they told me that I don’t need any kind of test, I’m an unique one, let myself time to know myself better, because this isn’t a really ride anyway.

So I just stood by myself again, and had to think upon, what’s going on inside me?

How I’ve grew spiritually, I started sensing that this isn’t really about my “mind”, but something “higher”, “greater”. Still, it was something indescribable, strange, and made me confused.

Sometimes I feel myself like a caring, warm hearted protector. An Entity with pure love, honesty and life. A living Light with everything behind it!

And in an another moment, everything can change - I can become the pure Darkness, Destruction, Hate, Suffer… the Edge of everythings Death. The Terrible Beauty of Chaos and War. Something what is about to Devour everything and wants to grow no matter how…

I don’t even sure about in that both of Them are mainly female, for God’s sake!
And my interaction with Deities are also let me enough suspicion, rason why I should think about it…

With this “TWO” side, I feel myself I’m also change BUT in the same time, I still myself…
But how can someONE so different, and still, the SAME?

And from the point when Deities are appeared in my life from the arrival of Abaddon - and with much more meditation…

I feel like, with day by day, I’m getting closer to my true Self… the Goddess behind this meat puppet. And I’m also feel that… this is dangerous!

Last day I’m also noticed in a deep discussion between me and my soul-sister, that while my Light side spoke at those moments, I’ve sensed the different viewpoint from the Dark One, what was also very, very close to me and I was able to accept it absolutely, too. It is just drives me insane, seeing that horrible thing when you can absolutely connect in every way to something what is COMPLETELY the different…
And I’m just… how could I explain this to others? Do I really need anything to say about this, to anyone? Or I have to hide one of Those “Sides” (no matter to me, for all of Them are still exist and I have to handle it, I must)? What is the Truth what I choose to show, while I can sense, see and manifest both of Them? Will I drown in this insane vortex?

In the last days I’m really started asking myself and Deities around me that:

Whats gonna happen if I can not handle Myself… Them? - This silly human mind is weak, and I’m really started fearing about these Aspects of my True Being will be too much to handle Them, then what? What is the Key? I know I have to find, because this change coming so fast… I won’t be able to stop this.

How could I cut off “something” from myself if “It” is a very part of me? I can not escape from myself.
And NOW, after I started this ride, months ago… I can’t escape or act like it isn’t exist. Sometimes I feel myself, I want to cry, and scream. By despair, anger (and by a weird kind of… happiness?).

One word just popped up in my mind, right now:

Balance

…but, how?

( Dearests, any idea behind this Chaos? - @Yberion @C.Kendall )

[C.Kendall]

See it’s very interesting individuals who were born more spiritually aware and attune will sense their different isolated and separate aspects of themselves. Their light self (the solar spirit) their angelic and higher self so to speak, then they experience their dark self, the destructive isolated aspect of outer darkness merging with the inner.

Experiencing these can give one the sensation of psychological imbalance, most medical professionals don’t understand this spiritual nature. So if their patient is experiencing this they just chuck a name on it like “Mood Swings” and “Dissociative Personality Disorder”, “Split Personality Disorder” etc.

Through spiritual means we are trying to reunite these isolated and separate aspects of the self into the greater whole. Becoming that balance, becoming the beacon of light and darkness, life and death, creation and destruction, order and chaos.

[Prophet]

@C.Kendall

Experiencing these can give one the sensation of psychological imbalance, most medical professionals don’t understand this spiritual nature. So if their patient is experiencing this they just chuck a name on it like “Mood Swings” and “Dissociative Personality Disorder”, “Split Personality Disorder” etc.

But what if the patient does have this and isn’t experiencing anything spiritual?

[Nagash]

@C.Kendall

most medical professionals don’t understand this spiritual nature. So if their patient is experiencing this they just chuck a name on it like “Mood Swings” and “Dissociative Personality Disorder”, “Split Personality Disorder” etc.

Yes, you are right. Looks like, this is something what only those magickians will experience who are really talented, strong and experienced to be able to see through their whole situation (and of course, they can find magickians who also experienced this situation). It must happen before or after, to raise above physical things and ‘normas’.
They can get helping hands, signs and so on, but maybe both of us can agree with the fact that no matter how kind of help you’ll get, if YOU are can’t or don’t want to walk on your own feet, you are just lost. This isn’t always a lack of knowledge, ability or power, but a decision.

And this is why mainly you will be the only one who can know clearly, what’s up with you (what do you feel, what did you experienced, what is the truth behind your history and life), no one else. This is why you can skip cynical idiots’s pointless “opinion” and ignorant individuals bullshits - for these are nothing, if you enough sure about what are you, it won’t will mislead you (and when people start questioning their own experiences, selfs and so on… they make the mistake where they want to hear the truth from others because they want to believe in them, for they can not trust in themselves).

Balance.

I don’t know where should I start or… continue, and my main problem that I didn’t really preferred “balance”, for I’m usually caused the pressure to one exact point(no matter in what). And in the same time, I prefer balance… There we are! This is what I’m talking about…

Note: If I’ll have a little free time later, I’d like to ask you something about… a Deity.
Maybe you know already and well, Who.

[Yberion]

Ugh, that’s a ton of questions at once.

And you do have the necessary understanding inside of you, it seems you have yet to realize and actualize it.

I’d like to answer you better, but currently I don’t have the time, to write an answer appropriate to your questions.

Just know this : light and darkness, are mere illusion.
Very persistent illusions, especially, in Magick where people believe to fight for one side of it, while hating the other.
But that mindset,

• and I’m sad I even have to Say that,
  Haves very little to do, with a healthy being, that actually perceives reality through it’s own scope.

But then again, well, humans are basing their ethic beliefs on this kind of illusions.

Good vs bad.
Chaos vs order.

Etc.

While those polarities,
For all that matters, should ideally, show up a whole range of variations between them, Many simply shed away, the “color spectrum” in between.
Many can’t handle, that actual consequences and causal (karmic) structures, are based around meeting various individuals needs, for which, outomatically others needs must be left unchecked.

That way of thinking, isn’t really native to humans, in the way that they currently live.

And whether we like it or not,
For as long as we rely on these bodies for our vessels, we need to adjust to their limitations, to some degree.

I know, that’s not what you want to hear, nagash.

But, it’s what you need to hear, to get closer to the understanding that’s already in you.

Besides, we’re already working on better vessels, so if you’re really that concerned,
Simply ask your husband how you can help that work to progress further.

Sincerely,

¥’Berioth

[Shani]

I was told once by a channeling that my Higherself is a multidimensional being currently incarnated simultaneously here on earth in not just one body, but in many and that my higherself is offering it’s services to all aspects of me.

Which is crazy that you put this out, because I was questioning a lot about the topic of Oneness and duality and how the higherself is not one being, but many all at once. Its like I am dark, but I have choice to return to light and also become darkness at the same time.

People who have many aspects or personalities are unique, and to unite them is key to balance.

[Nagash]

@Yberion

Besides, we’re already working on better vessels, so if you’re really that concerned,
Simply ask your husband how you can help that work to progress further.

Everything what I hear from Him and from Sitri and others is:

“You will able to push this body’s limits to a higher level. This is the one reason behind of many, why you are here.”

I knew that this is a very long process and I need more and more incarnation to push the limits, birth by birth… But a question has always haunts me: what IF I’m fail?

Interesting, but last night I’ve talked with Sitri exactly about make mistakes and fail:

You can fail only if you try.

…can’t believe it it is just happened before I would realize that I’ll need it today.

@Shani

Which is crazy that you put this out, because I was questioning a lot about the topic of Oneness and duality and how the higherself is not one being, but many all at once. Its like I am dark, but I have choice to return to light and also become darkness at the same time.

Yes it is. But looks like everything has a reason behind it. It is good to know people who also interested in this topic, @Shani. What you wrote in your first paragraph, I can agree with it, absolutely. This is what I’m also noticed and keep gettin’ back to the fact again and again.