Hiraya Manawari

Pat here, back again with another series of shenanigans. Though this time, it might be more personal than the previous journal, which began with a magickal working immediately, followed by recaps of earlier noob experiences with different spirits and mixing in only a little reference or segue to the mundane here and there. From wanting to practice magick and find my own style and path, to gradually balancing both the mundane and magickal in a way that suits me best… now in this journal, the goal is drum rolls to simply write about myself.

Truthfully, cheerful as I always am, it’s still not always a perfect balance. That did not change. There are still days I cannot fully practice magick due to work. What changed, however, is in how normal and grounded everything feels now most of the time, as if there is no separation anymore between the mundane and magickal. I am not eloquent enough to describe exactly the sense of “oneness” that comes to mind as I write this (maybe it’s just because I found what works for me and what doesn’t?), but one thing’s for sure: since there were so many changes that occurred within a span of months, I can’t help but feel excited about how many more surprises could be in store this year and onwards.

The name of this journal is from an old form of my native language. Translated to English, it means:

I decided to use my own language this time, along with uploading this journal exactly today, on my younger brother’s birthday, to give it a more personal connection/significance which could further encourage me in sharing more personal entries, no matter how boring or silly these seem to be. I’d also like to allow myself more freedom and randomness when writing about my experiences, hence this personal journal. I will still share spiritual experiences, certainly, but I also want to write about how I watched this one anime that reminded me of a cliché lesson or two, tarot decks I’ve been drooling over for a while now, how another person’s Mars in Sagittarius placement is completely showing itself based on his/her performance at school (this was so fun yet frustrating to observe) and the like.

And also, maybe because I like how reading the title, whether you open this journal or not, is almost like being told one of those uplifting well wishes regarding the dreams/goals one would like to achieve. :slight_smile:


Extra notes:

Summary

Almost made the cut, but not quite! Some possible titles I’ve come up with while planning for this journal (and yes, they’re still in my own language):

  • Paraluman – a muse or woman of beauty, someone who inspires artistically, a compass (older meaning)
  • Bukang-Liwayway – dawn, daybreak
  • Indak ng Balarila – These are Filipino words I’ve combined, which means “dance (indak) + of (ng) + [the study of] words or language (balarila, though it’s most commonly known as “grammar”). Obviously, it does not fit this journal’s theme and I merely liked how deep it sounded in my language lol.
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I.

This wasn’t what I first intended to write about, but I felt drawn to meditating today on the past life reading I’ve done, which was supported by other readers I’ve consulted for curiosity and my trusted personal reader when, after some time last year, I wanted a serious verification once and for all. I won’t elaborate like I usually do because I personally do not care that much about my past lives. I mean, there’s an interest, of course, but it’s more from a detached observer’s standpoint. I don’t feel any unresolved issues or major circumstances too; it’s honestly just normal recurring themes and lessons (and people, it seems :slight_smile: ) which I’m gradually learning how to effectively handle in this life. The only thoughts in mind upon discovering my past lives were, “Oh, so that’s what happened. I see”, “Now those repetitive dreams from nowhere make sense” and “So what could I take away from all these and how could I apply (or not apply!) them in this life?”

Some snippets from the past life reading are as follows:

Past Life #1

  • LEFT CARD: Who was I in my past life?
    Answer: Monk/Nun + Finances

  • MIDDLE CARD: What kind of life did I live in that specific past life?
    Answer: Male-Female + Vows

  • RIGHT CARD: How did I die in that specific past life?
    Answer: Lessons and Blessings + Orphan

Past Life #2

  • LEFT CARD: Who was I in my past life?
    Answer: Medicine Man/Woman + Asia

  • MIDDLE CARD: What kind of life did I live in that specific past life?
    Answer: Mother + Karmic Relationship

  • RIGHT CARD: How did I die in that specific past life?
    Answer: Leaving/Travel + Baby

After joining my Dad with his daily morning exercises as usual, I meditated on what I’ve discovered so far about my past life, as well as reflected on whether I still want to find out more. I seem to be leaning more towards a “Nope, not that interested” at the moment, but I’m still remaining open to the possibility of delving further into my other past lives since I’ve got quite the changeable nature anyway.
I also know that sooner or later, my trusted reader’s offer to “have my other past lives read anytime I am ready” will be something I won’t be able to resist taking up later on.

When I was done with the meditation and reflection—which actually took quite longer than my usual allotted one hour, probably due to being too deep in thought while comparing and contrasting past life AND current life’s general themes—I immediately went to my laptop and began online classes for the day. Thankfully, since it’s younger children I’m teaching via Zoom anyway, the classes are understandably pushed back and started at 9 AM instead of the usual 8:30 AM to give them ample time to prepare and well, really wake up (got too many funny and cute stories regarding this bit, but I’ll hold them back until the next entries hahaha XD). It was the usual online class, though I found it quite interesting that I was asked to do a storytelling session of “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry afterwards, when the other day, I just discovered that a local online shop was selling “The Little Prince” tarot deck for an affordable price.

Me making excuses to purchase another new deck for the th time:

I didn’t attend my online IELTS class for the day to help my Dad in preparing for the younger brother’s birthday today. While the gift-choosing and giving part went without a hitch, the reservation I tried to make in the younger brother’s favorite restaurant for dinner tonight, unfortunately, was declined. My city still has one of the highest COVID cases in the country, hence the continuous implemented limitations of who are allowed outside and not. With one of those limitations being based on age (18 and up), since my brother is only 16 years old, he is one of those who are still under the strict quarantine rules. The night drive after eating at the restaurant was cancelled as well.

I have expected this already though, which is why I found it amusing when Dad expressed disappointment with hilarious facial expressions and remarks. We spent the rest of the afternoon scratching the plan and instead, choosing which of the younger brother’s food/dishes to purchase for takeout and other ones we could cook. We’ll be having a simple birthday dinner here at home later on instead.

Now if only the birthday celebrant could be convinced that he likes chocolate cake as much as I do.

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Lovely!!! :sunflower:

Watching this thread!!!

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Oh please, share some pictures of the littlest prince tarot when you get it.

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Thank you very much! :slight_smile:

Will do! Might take some time though because I decided to order two other decks first before TLP deck.

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II.

What I love about weekends is having no 4:00 AM or 5:00 AM alarm to wake up to. I get to bury myself underneath the blankets like the potato I naturally am, enjoying the chilly weather while it still lasts. Weekends = rest days to recharge and just be. I even added in a rule for myself that I won’t be going online during Saturdays and Sundays, aside from very important work-related matters (uploading class schedules and performances, speaking to students’ parents whenever there is any concern or question, etc… though these have been of a lesser amount lately since we keep everyone updated throughout the weekdays anyway). I still tend to log into BALG during Saturdays because I just can’t resist m̶e̶m̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶p̶o̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ reading and checking on both friends and divination querents’ situations, but I’m gradually decreasing the time I spend lurking here during Saturdays. As for Sundays, I’ve usually got them in the bag because I tend to prepare for the next week’s lessons and activities by then anyway.

My laziness shines the most during weekend’s early mornings, when my Dad would have to ask—repeatedly, because I’m that annoying deep sleeper who’s completely dazed and disoriented when woken up— if I will be joining him in his morning exercises or not. I admit to being terribly inconsistent at this during weekends.

I automatically replied with a “No.”

However, Dad offered that he would be making a cup of cold Milo afterwards, despite him usually preferring cups of hot Milo for the both of us (“It’s already so chilly and you still like drinking cold milk/beverages! Tsk, tsk.”).

I automatically replied with a “Yes”.

When the morning routines were done, it was time again for meditation—though longer than the allotted times from Monday to Friday. I still don’t follow any proper meditation techniques and I’d just meditate accordingly to how I’ve always felt like doing it, hence why I was hesitant at first to even mention that I do meditate quite a lot.

I haven’t been doing so much as meditating with peaceful music on. Instead, I seem to have taken a preference for meditating by simply listening to the chirping birds and howling (yup, “howling” is the adjective indeed, as we live on the 16th floor and you can really hear it) wind outside our window. I have also been slipping into meditation mode easily ever since I decided to remove the black curtains from the window and use only the white curtains, as well as keep the windows open until 6 PM. I used to heavily dislike sunlight streaming from the windows, so I have no idea how and why I changed regarding such. I’m pleased with this change though, and intuitively, I’ve been going along with it ever since.


(The current view, now without the black curtains I posted in a TMW thread last 2019.)

The meditation was followed by grounding and shielding, along with taking a few more quiet moments for myself and doing basic breathing techniques as I did so. When I felt that I was ready, I began to work on the rest of the tarot reading requests I’ve received from last week. The latest requests deal with more than one inquiry, so I wanted to ensure that I’m at my most focused and functional when channeling the necessary messages. The downside to this though, is that it’s undeniable I am definitely not anyone’s go-to for quick general readings.

So if a querent of mine (whether you be a current or previous one already) is reading this entry, I’d like to thank you for your utmost understanding. I know how waiting on requested readings about matters you’d really like to know about NOW could be nerve-racking and frustrating, hence why I genuinely appreciate the respect and patience all of you have shown me.

I took a break from doing reading requests to have lunch with the family. I briefly considered my younger brother’s request from last year to teach him how to read tarot. However, I feel as if this is still not the right time yet to entertain that request, so for now I’m using his Pokémon playing cards with him to do mini-divination sessions about silly questions (and I’m not being biased when I say he does have potential).

Working on reading requests continued on until late afternoon, though during Sunday, it was much shorter as Sunday afternoons were my scheduled time for planning, doing and/or finishing any type of school work, whether it be the online classes I teach or the IELTS academic classes I’m attending as a student. Thankfully, the IELTS academic classes I’m enrolled in isn’t really heavy on the homework or activity sheets, not to mention I finish given activities fast because English has always been my favorite subject. Though I have to admit: they do make it more complicated than how it actually is with the complex instructions and explanations about grammar at times.

There were no school supplies needed which I don’t already have for this week’s online classes, so no trip to the nearby book-slash-school-supplies-store this weekend. I spent the rest of Sunday evening writing this week’s lesson plan, as well as checking my students’ submitted online works. I wish I could upload at least one drawing from their activity sheets, but they all held up their drawings themselves with huge smiles in front of the camera and as you know, privacy policy when it comes to students’ identities.

Light meditation before sleeping, though during meditation, I snapped out of it as I suddenly had a firm knowing of what I’ll do with the revenge spell I manifested towards a social media celebrity last year. I wrote about the circumstances surrounding that incident here, on #6:

I decided not to go in for the kill and simply let whatever happens to his YouTube channel, happen. While it is still currently terminated, I have read that he and his management are “still trying their best to get it back”. I’ve also decided not to curse the other platforms he is now trying to build up and earn income from again. You might think it’s due to pity, and I honestly thought at first too since I saw how humble he is now with his Twitch channel, but the more I tuned into myself, the more I felt that I was very satisfied already with taking away the most important thing for him, which has always been his ASMR-perfect voice.

It could be magnified due to Archangel Michael’s influence, but I feel extreme detachment for him and the previous situation. This detachment feels too cold, but then again, I’ve always had that trait of completely icing out someone who’s taken things too far. It’s as if my emotions are all shut off concerning anything about the other person and he/she is simply dead to me. This happens very rarely though due to my cheerful and easygoing nature (the only other time it happened was long ago, as in pre-practitioner Pat days lol), so maybe that’s why I could easily distinguish what sort of detachment I’m experiencing.

Thoughts of an overdue “thank you” to AA Michael filled my mind until I promised to do something about it the next day and gradually drifted off to sleep.


Just another picture I want to share, though this was taken the very first time I was deciding whether to change the curtains or not:

Summary

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III.

There were talks of my alma mater possibly rewarding us board examination passers (specifically, the licensure examination for professional teachers, commonly known as “LET”) for last September 2019. As much as I’ve almost forgotten the whole thing, Monday began with news of how my examination ratings and ranking were cited as a major example in the college department about how they “should start implementing a reward system (whether it be via cash or certificates of recognition) for both current and future successful LET takers”.

I was already informed back in 2019 that I received the highest rating out of all the LET takers from my college, which I even wrote about here:

However, to find out that I actually ranked a spot in the Top 20 out of all the 83,152 LET passers from the entire country was quite a strange feeling. I wondered about the real purpose of this information being brought up for discussion now, though I didn’t pry into it and just politely listened to the college dean so I could quickly go back to my usual morning routines. Whether this is a remaining influence of King Belial due to closely working with him on this matter before (not to mention he used to emphasize how I should take pride in myself, never shy away from recognition, dare to stand out, etc.) or a possible opportunity for something I began working on a while ago to manifest, I’ve yet to see.

True to that sudden call, the day was quite chaotic. I rushed through the morning stretches and exercises with Dad and morning meditation time was interrupted due to correspondences with my alma mater. One student was also throwing a tantrum due to his father leaving early for work and not following up on a promise, therefore refusing to join the Zoom class. Thankfully, the mother was also very helpful as I coaxed and calmed him down. This student’s classmates were also offering him encouraging words to finally join the class, which was actually quite sweet to watch. Witnessing this made me wonder about the concept of integrity and promises, as well as the effectiveness of my classroom discipline come another batch of younger students this June.

IELTS class also brought in some chaos for the day in the form of an intensive Speaking Test. We were tested on how we would fare with strict interviewers who are infamous for their “I have no time for this. You’re the 21401384th IELTS interviewee for the day so Imma just cut you off real quick and see what happens” style of interview. The instructor sent a barrage of questions coming our way throughout everyone’s individual turn. The way everyone’s faces on the screen looked was actually meme-worthy, and I would’ve laughed and taken a screenshot if I wasn’t also one of those meme-worthy faces waiting to be called. I received a 7.5 rating from the instructor at the end, but I’m aiming for an 8+ or 9 in all areas, so I think it goes without saying that I need to practice speaking more in pressuring situations. I then thought of asking a spirit to help me with maybe influencing what kind of interviewer would test me on the official examination day, but for now, it would be a “Nope”. I can’t explain it, but I’m feeling this determined drive to ace things on my own.

Listening Test practices were also conducted, wherein I finally got band scores of 8. Looks like marathon-ing those Gordon Ramsay: Best Insults Compila—I mean, recommended British shows—are working. Now, if only I could maintain these and try upping them to an 8.5 when I can.

I was able to squeeze in some meditation afterwards. Though in this one, I gradually felt drawn to visualizing all the accumulated chaos of the day clearly and completely leaving me. It took some tries, but I gradually felt myself relaxing in the afternoon silence. I would’ve continued meditating for another hour, but I was interrupted by a video call, this time from my Mom who was very excited about the reward possibility I previously mentioned. I still feel so awkward and overwhelmed about it all, so I had nothing more to share regarding the matter as she bugged me for details.

I did a re-check of what’s needed for the next day’s lesson and answered messages from the parents before typing down the divination interpretations I will be sending to a querent. I finished half of the tarot reading before my younger brother asked for help regarding his homework. And since Mathematics and I have been in an estranged relationship ever since it brought alphabet letters into the picture, I was knocked out cold afterwards without even the slightest meditation done.

You can watch a short yet accurate representation of that Math tutorial session below:

Tuesday was of forgettable routines. No interruptions or scheduled IELTS classes for the day, so proper morning routines and allotted meditation times were followed again. After lunch, I finished and sent the tarot reading I worked on during Monday night to the proper recipient before helping out with another divination question. This request, however, was asking for assistance in interpreting an already drawn spread. The previous messages were very short and confusing answers in contrast to the clear (too clear, actually) and detailed layout used, which is what apparently prompted the querent to seek further insight about it. While I respect that different readers have different styles of reading, I felt quite sad and disappointed upon examining everything, in addition to the seemingly insensitive and dismissive approach towards serious concerns and follow-up attempts for clarification.

When I was done, I advised the querent to simply take the interpretations (even mine, honestly) with a grain of salt and trust his/her discernment/intuition regarding the reading. That, and to also try understanding where the reader’s “confusing and rude” approach may be coming from, as I was able to tap into his/her exhausted and distracted (?) energy while examining the reading. I would not have excused this as a reader myself, but since I’m simply a neutral party here, there is honestly no point in responding nor returning the insensitivity back. No use in passing any sort of judgment either because everyone has their “off days” (heck, mine could’ve even gone on for years then) and I don’t really know what the reader may be going through behind the scenes at this time. The purpose of the request must also be kept in mind: the querent wanted clarity and insight, not additional confusion, stress or drama regarding his/her situation.

I was re-acquainted with President Volac’s presence for a while upon interacting with another member here who had very interesting stories to share about him being her protector. I felt a sense of happiness and friendly warmth upon having that member confirm Volac’s approval regarding my opinions about him. I might have to try contacting President Volac of my own accord in the near future, as I’ve observed feeling a sense of enjoyment and enthusiasm when speaking about him. I also discovered that I was keeping and maintaining an e-shrine all along in my laptop’s files! No wonder I strongly felt drawn to consistently updating its content, tidying everything up by organizing and naming files properly, re-reading stuff every now and then (without the usual cringe I feel when looking at any old stuff I made) and the like. I can’t help but ask: was that confirmation not only from Volac, but from other spirits as well from that e-shrine, that I have actually been doing something worthwhile all this time? And I was just blind to notice, because I was still too absorbed in basing and defining “progress” on common definitions/applications of it (i.e. having actual shrines, devotional altars, external accessories, etc.)?

Music meditation before sleeping and I liked how deeply I fell into meditation this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself serenely floating on a body of water. I think I also saw flowers and color schemes, which are very similar to the ones in this card, surrounding me:

I found it quite interesting, because this is the Queen of Rainbows = Pentacles in the Osho Zen Tarot deck, and the QoP is my traditional significator no matter what deck is used lol. I could swear I also felt sensations of gentle waves around me, but I was too sleepy at the time to figure it all out.
Sharing this experience makes me miss swimming though, which is the only sporty(ish) hobby this nerdy potato has before the nearby amenities were indefinitely closed due to the pandemic.


Giving credit where credit is due: a well-deserved shout-out to members @THEKING and @Gabrielle for confirming and inspiring me with ideas not only about President Volac, but also about the concept of e-shrine! :slight_smile:

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Congratulations on your test scores! That is an amazing accomplishment. You truly put 100% into everything you do and it shows.

I could put your example to good use in my own life!

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Thank you so much! Honestly, I’m still processing the news lol, but I truly appreciate your comment.

@MidnightStar Not quoting because you deleted it, but same purpose of asking further insight and clarity about serious concerns, yes. However, the actual topic of his/her questions were different. :slight_smile:

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Thought it was about me lol
Guess you caught me XD

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You are quite welcome and you deserve all the praise! :smiley: Love the new profile pic BTW.

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IV.

Wednesday was a very cold and rainy day, therefore not allowing me to do the usual morning meditation by the open windows. I let the continuous rain’s pitter-patter lull me into meditation mode, but since cold rainy days are a classic favorite of mine, the meditation transitioned into visions of playfully dancing under the rain with a future/unknown partner. One of my silly secret relationship goals: revealed, I guess. facepalms

I also woke up with a slight sore throat and feeling a bit unwell due to the chilly weather. I just carried on teaching, though I took a break afterwards and attended the IELTS class a bit later than usual. The IELTS activities provided quite the rest for my throat after the online teaching session, with the instructor having us answer lengthy Writing and Reading activity sheets/modules for the rest of the session. My old response would have been to not mind the unwell feeling at all, but I know this is an old habit stemming from younger days of almost growing up on stage and the non-stop rehearsals/practices necessary to either secure that theatre role or win in a performing arts competition. It was, and still is, a gradual process recognizing that not allowing oneself enough time to rest is a form of self-neglect and self-disrespect. With this in mind, I cleared the rest of the day’s routines after lunch.

I lurked around in the forum a bit longer than usual until I felt myself getting sleepy to the pitter-patter of the rain, which was occasionally mixed with the voices of commentators from the live e-game tournament my younger brother was watching in the living room. My last thoughts before succumbing to the afternoon nap was hoping at least one of the two teams representing our country would beat Indonesia, which was that e-game tournament’s champion/strongest contender from last year (No offense to any Indonesians reading this lol, but of course, I’d like the Filipinos to take a win too for this year, you know? Or at least make it to the grand finals).

I woke up feeling better and well-rested. The sore throat lessened as well, though of course, I still took some Strepsils and finished a hot cup of ginger tea later on just to be sure. I checked and prepared everything needed for tomorrow’s lesson before, come late evening, heading to bed and resting again. How the day went without any magickal/spiritual practices reminded me of pre-practitioner days, when my life basically revolved around school – home – extra classes or scheduled auditions – school – home - repeat.

Thursday and Friday continued on with the cold rainy weather, but I was feeling better by those days and went back to the daily routines of exercise, meditation and visualization. What I did postpone, however, was continuing one of the requested tarot readings. I felt I would not be able to deliver messages to the best of my abilities until a bit more rest, so I made a mental note to finish this particular reading throughout the weekend instead.

Late Friday afternoon, I alternated between typing essays based on our IELTS’ instructor’s given topics and taking sneak peeks at the television to see which team was winning in the live e-game tournament. W̶e̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶u̶l̶t̶i̶t̶a̶s̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶q̶u̶e̶e̶n̶.̶ After a while, I was notified that an awaited delivery is finally downstairs. The courier began sending text messages not long after, which had me rushing out so excitedly, I forgot to put a mask on. It was hilariously embarrassing how I ran back to get a mask while also ensuring that the elevator (filled with patient people, whew, thank the stars) doesn’t leave me behind.

Without further ado, my newest babies:

1. Wisdom of The House of Night: Oracle Cards

I remember reading the book series this oracle deck was based on and wanting to get my hands on the actual cards during my high school days. However, even without knowledge of the series, I like how the cards are very beginner-friendly and to the point. I have yet to work on connecting with this deck, but the initial reading with it required little to no intuitive interpretations. The answers are all there in both the images and the keyword. I also found it amusing how, when I asked the deck to tell me about itself, the overall energy I felt from the reading was very light, directly in contrast to the deck’s name and the other tarot deck delivered along with it.

The only concern I could see is fellow readers not seeing this deck as deep, challenging or interesting enough. Still, I equally like purchasing simple and complicated decks myself, as I also like reading for both fellow practitioners and non-spiritual/non-practitioner clients.

2. Tarot of Sexual Magic

Ah, now this deck seems to be a very talkative one, or at least in my experience so far. The very first time I took the cards out of the box, the King of Swords immediately flew out. When I tried shuffling it, cards kept flying out everywhere, all falling and flipping over to face me. The energy was not chaotic though, just more intense and expressive. I even felt that the cards were almost greeting me in a way, as if they can’t wait to be included in my readings. I didn’t pay attention to this feeling much, as I might be projecting excitement due to this deck being one of the hardest ones to even get access to + unavailable shipment and delivery where I live until late last year. What I did follow was the need to not shuffle it like I usually do with new decks, and instead, lay down all the cards and just jumble/mix them all up on the table. As messy and random that was, I can’t help observing the feeling of exhilaration and freedom that came with the silly shuffling, and how it actually resonates with this deck’s themes of depicting sexual matters with freedom and variation.

I didn’t expect to connect with the deck as quickly and closely upon first use. Perhaps this is a product of not having a single experience in even kissing or hand-holding, but I purchased this deck thinking about how most of my clients (and future ones too, hopefully! ) struggling in the love/lust department could find this relatable and beneficial. I also felt drawn to challenging my divination skills by purchasing a deck unfitting to my usual tastes, as well as noting how far and well I could push aside any feelings or thoughts that may color the reading biased (as I’ve mostly felt shyness, hesitance, doubt… also quite uninterested in general when it comes to anything sexual). Hence, I was surprised that I genuinely enjoyed reading the deck intuitively, in-depth and without blushing at all—and though I did giggle while doing so, it’s more due to the happiness I felt bonding with it.

Since I seemed to have stepped up to the challenge of bonding with a deck out of my comfort zone, I decided to take said challenge a step further: completely interpreting the cards via imagery and energy alone. No looking up, reading or following the names, associations, elements and even others’ interpretations like I already do with RWS or RWS-based decks I have. I also want to test how effectively I could adapt to a set of cards I don’t have any set meaning or even basic guidelines in mind to follow, instead interpreting it solely based on how the card looks and feels at that current moment, in that current energy, with that current querent/situation at hand.

The Tarot of Sexual Magic already seems to be very free-flowing and changeable in its expressiveness, so I can tell already that this challenge would definitely be anything but a boring one. :slight_smile:


Made some memes to celebrate my newest babies!

Me:

Also me:

Additional ones:

Summary

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V.

The entire weekend was filled with a few exciting news and small discoveries which gave me quite a lot to ponder on. I felt completely refreshed by Saturday, and was even the one to wake up Dad for our daily morning exercises. An hour after we were finished, Dad strictly reprimanded me for “being careless about my health”. I watched him conduct his usual firm reminders, at the same time noting how focused he was on making a hot cup of ginger tea. Upon being handed the cup of ginger tea, I faked a cough and clearing of throat for dramatic effect. As expected, Dad let out a, “Tsk, tsk!” and the usual reminders stretched out into a tirade, the kind me and my younger brother would often playfully joke about and even imitate to his face.

It wasn’t always like this, of course. Being one of those typical teenagers, I used to find Dad’s emotionless way of demonstrating love irksome and difficult to understand. Now at 23, I can’t help wondering when exactly I began to understand his viewpoint and love language (Acts of Service, Gift-Giving and Quality Time!), as well as liked the traditional tirades we used to block out.

This moment with Dad also made me recall how someone said, “Leos are the worst zodiac sign”. While that had me snorting in agreement regarding myself, observing how my Dad has been as a parent to me so far, I briefly wondered if that someone would someday have the luck to meet a mature/well-developed Leo who will genuinely dote on them, as well as make them feel special and loved.

I felt drawn to switching my routine up a bit, beginning with basic grounding, shielding and a few breathing exercises, before proceeding to complete Part 1/2 of a lengthy reading request. Upon finishing at 9 AM, I spent the following hours meditating. I also felt drawn to sit exactly on the spot of the bed where the sunlight is hitting, and while the light initially made it hard to concentrate at first, I was unexpectedly able to meditate without any problems. In fact, I liked the gradual warmth that seeped through my body, along with the random goose bumps across my skin after a while. I detected no spirit or any other presence nearby though, just this inexplicable feeling of awareness and connectedness to life happening around me as I sit still: birds chirping about, wind whispering every now and then, faint choir sounds from the nearby church, Dad going out to re-park the car, the door closing, and then silence again, filled with my breathing and heartbeat.

These details were quite thought-provoking, because this same month 10 years ago, I was still regretting recovering from my suicide attempt. I’ve expressed this later on throughout the years but again, as brought on by the first half of this meditation, I can’t help feeling how alive I am, as well as feeling how connected I am in that moment to everything (and everyone) around me—which also feels very much alive.

Before beginning the second half of meditation, I idly thought, “This is why I’ll never give up on doing love readings lol”. Readings solely for love/relationship purposes could be considered unessential and even made fun of at times, but at the risk of sounding cheesy (which I always end up sounding as, anyway, so shrugs), I’m actually proud of beginning and learning from doing mundane relationship/love readings. Connecting with others and understanding them at their silliest, cheesiest, cringiest, weepiest (it happened and it happens: sobbing mess of a reading), happiest, etc., as well as feeling all of the complex emotions each querent has so far, makes me feel very alive and inspired, personally.

The second half of meditation was more silent and focused. I barely heard or felt anything, and simply felt as if my mind was being emptied, along with a disconnection to my physical body. All the sounds and sensations came rushing back all of a sudden when my alarm went off for lunch time.

The rest of Saturday afternoon was spent watching the continuation of the live e-game tournament, which I mentioned in the previous entry, with my younger brother. To my amusement, some parents messaged me about how they are also watching the tournament, as this game is very popular in our region. I’m probably one of those few people here who will never play the game because I find it too dizzying, not to mention I suck at those kinds of game anyway, as I only alternate between Tekken, Street Fighter and Injustice when it comes to fighting games. Later on in the evening, the results were: while the first Filipino team got eliminated, the second Filipino team (BREN E-Sports) was able to defeat last year’s strongest contender/favourite pick (Indonesia’s Alter Ego team) and make it to Top 3! We were hollering with their comeback victory, as our expectations were actually 50/50 due to BREN E-Sports always losing during the beginning rounds of each game, even getting sent to the lower bracket earlier in the competition due to it. It was revealed during the interview, however, that losing in the beginning rounds was actually part of their strategy, so they can read the competitor’s moves first, as well as let the other party become overconfident (especially when up against teams who like to taunt, flex, “trash talking” and all) so they would underestimate BREN E-Sports’ gameplay.

Me, who likes using the same strategy when necessary:

(I feel kinda called out lol. But in all seriousness, I approve!)

It was hard to settle down and meditate before bedtime because of the rush BREN E-Sports’ comeback victory gave us. But settle down I did after a while, though I didn’t do any music meditation, only a repeat of the second half of today’s earlier meditation. In this meditation, I heard a few inaudible whispers which didn’t feel like anything at all, merely sounds I was straining to discern but failed to. I also saw flashes of eyes looking at me, as well as antlers (which I randomly began seeing ever since last November). I could tell the eyes and antlers were symbolizing two separate people/energies though, and while I conducted a simple banishing to be sure, I honestly feel protected and looked after whenever these two energies randomly make themselves known.

I followed the same routine of exercise and meditation come Sunday morning, while at the same time vaguely racking my mind in remembering details of last night’s dream. However, I set these thoughts aside upon beginning Part 2/2 of the requested reading. Only two more reading requests and I would finally be done. I was also close to finishing sharing what I know about court cards with a particular member. It was suggested by different querents, ever since last year, that I should start teaching about tarot, or at least opening a tarot reading thread of my own. While I truly appreciate the feedback—and I’ll be lying if I said the thought of opening a divination thread of my own didn’t cross my mind—I still don’t think this is the right time. I dislike doing anything in a half-hearted manner, especially when it’s something I have passion for, such as divination: I want to be at my most focused and functional when I do offer public readings. Also, as much as I try to wrap my head around it, I just don’t really feel like a teacher; a person who constantly practices divination always felt fitting for what I do. C̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶s̶l̶i̶n̶g̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶.̶

Sunday afternoon was spent updating online class portfolios and scheduled lessons/activities for this week. I was sneaking peeks again at the live e-game tournament while doing mundane tasks: this time it’s BREN E-Sports vs. RRQ, the remaining team from Indonesia. Whoever wins here would take part in the Grand Final and face Myanmar’s team, The Burmese Ghouls, who already secured the other grand final spot due to their amazing performance in the earlier games. I was never interested in the game, nor did I understand it without frequent comments and information from my younger brother, but watching all these gamers compete had me hyped up and even moved. I’m a bit hesitant to share this because it sounds silly, but there were even times I got goose bumps when watching the tournament. It’s as if you could feel everyone’s drive, determination, focus—heck, even their nerves—to do their best and win, you know? Others might think, “But pfft, it’s just a mobile game. What’s the big deal?”, but personally, I fully respect all the players who took part in it because from the few emotions I’ve picked up on without purposely tapping in-depth into them, everthing they did up there on the world stage was no simple or easy feat. Kudos to ALL teams from the different countries, indeed.

BREN E-Sports won and advanced to the Grand Final, which will be held later on at 6 PM. To re-direct the dizzying energy of excitement and anticipation, I spent those waiting hours completing the required short narrative + feedback for students’ weekly class performance, as well as politely responding to some parents’ inquiries about either their children, or what to expect of lessons/activities/schedules this February. It was also amusing how, when I asked the younger brother to clean the bathroom (which is his assigned household chore every weekend), he did so with no complaints at all and instead, with so much energy. I guess the victory rush really needs to be redirected elsewhere, lest we explode from all this waiting lol.

The evening championship game lasted for hours, with both The Burmese Ghouls and BREN E-Sports matching each other point by point. The commentators even emphasized how this is the most remarkable Best of 7 game they had so far, with both teams really battling it out throughout each round. In the end, BREN E-Sports emerged victorious, which had us whooping and even jumping around for a while. Even my older sister called via video chat (she is an avid player of the game as well), excitedly sharing that our country’s team won.

I also found it adorable how, even though most of the commentators were from different countries, they repeatedly shouted and encouraged everyone to say BREN E-Sports’ famous chant throughout the game, which is, “BREN lang malakas”. I don’t know about you, but I really find it cute when someone tries to speak my native language lol. In English, the statement “BREN lang malakas” could be translated to, “BREN is the only strong team/one”, with BREN (the name of the team) + lang (“only”) + malakas (“strong”). Based on this context, it could also be interpreted as, “BREN is the only strongest team”. When they won, the chant also trended locally, along with the game results.

This time, I felt drawn to redirecting the victorious rush to updating then meditating on my e-shrine. It was quite a weird sight, in my opinion: writing poems about spirituality, and then sitting there, eyes closed in front of a laptop as I simply soaked in the energy that came from offering those poems to the spirits currently guiding me in the present. Including an offering specifically for King Paimon in my e-shrine also came to mind, as he was the one who mysteriously pulled me back to the forum last year. Now that I’m figuring out more and more why I’m here, despite it being realistically impossible in the past due to how busy mundane life is, I can’t help but wonder if I should also write a heartfelt poem or letter dedicated to him. I received no intuitive response or insight, but what I did get was a sudden feeling to incorporate dancing in my routines.

I was about to complain how I can’t dance to save my life, only basic dancing and a laughable one at that, before I shut my mouth and realized that the call to dance isn’t about how perfectly or ideally I could do it. Instead, it was more about the emotions dancing could evoke from me, as well as establishing a personally suitable method wherein I could be more in touch with my own sensuality/sexuality. It took me almost falling asleep to realize that the thoughts and feelings I received from this matter also resonates with the vibes I got upon connecting with the Tarot of Sexual Magic.

Whether this is solely King Paimon’s response for an offering, an effect of the newest deck I purchased or a combination of both, I’ve yet to try and see.


The championship video from the e-game tournament I kept on talking about. Feel free to watch it, skip-watch it or entirely ignore it lol:

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