V.
The entire weekend was filled with a few exciting news and small discoveries which gave me quite a lot to ponder on. I felt completely refreshed by Saturday, and was even the one to wake up Dad for our daily morning exercises. An hour after we were finished, Dad strictly reprimanded me for “being careless about my health”. I watched him conduct his usual firm reminders, at the same time noting how focused he was on making a hot cup of ginger tea. Upon being handed the cup of ginger tea, I faked a cough and clearing of throat for dramatic effect. As expected, Dad let out a, “Tsk, tsk!” and the usual reminders stretched out into a tirade, the kind me and my younger brother would often playfully joke about and even imitate to his face.
It wasn’t always like this, of course. Being one of those typical teenagers, I used to find Dad’s emotionless way of demonstrating love irksome and difficult to understand. Now at 23, I can’t help wondering when exactly I began to understand his viewpoint and love language (Acts of Service, Gift-Giving and Quality Time!), as well as liked the traditional tirades we used to block out.
This moment with Dad also made me recall how someone said, “Leos are the worst zodiac sign”. While that had me snorting in agreement regarding myself, observing how my Dad has been as a parent to me so far, I briefly wondered if that someone would someday have the luck to meet a mature/well-developed Leo who will genuinely dote on them, as well as make them feel special and loved.
I felt drawn to switching my routine up a bit, beginning with basic grounding, shielding and a few breathing exercises, before proceeding to complete Part 1/2 of a lengthy reading request. Upon finishing at 9 AM, I spent the following hours meditating. I also felt drawn to sit exactly on the spot of the bed where the sunlight is hitting, and while the light initially made it hard to concentrate at first, I was unexpectedly able to meditate without any problems. In fact, I liked the gradual warmth that seeped through my body, along with the random goose bumps across my skin after a while. I detected no spirit or any other presence nearby though, just this inexplicable feeling of awareness and connectedness to life happening around me as I sit still: birds chirping about, wind whispering every now and then, faint choir sounds from the nearby church, Dad going out to re-park the car, the door closing, and then silence again, filled with my breathing and heartbeat.
These details were quite thought-provoking, because this same month 10 years ago, I was still regretting recovering from my suicide attempt. I’ve expressed this later on throughout the years but again, as brought on by the first half of this meditation, I can’t help feeling how alive I am, as well as feeling how connected I am in that moment to everything (and everyone) around me—which also feels very much alive.
Before beginning the second half of meditation, I idly thought, “This is why I’ll never give up on doing love readings lol”. Readings solely for love/relationship purposes could be considered unessential and even made fun of at times, but at the risk of sounding cheesy (which I always end up sounding as, anyway, so shrugs), I’m actually proud of beginning and learning from doing mundane relationship/love readings. Connecting with others and understanding them at their silliest, cheesiest, cringiest, weepiest (it happened and it happens: sobbing mess of a reading), happiest, etc., as well as feeling all of the complex emotions each querent has so far, makes me feel very alive and inspired, personally.
The second half of meditation was more silent and focused. I barely heard or felt anything, and simply felt as if my mind was being emptied, along with a disconnection to my physical body. All the sounds and sensations came rushing back all of a sudden when my alarm went off for lunch time.
The rest of Saturday afternoon was spent watching the continuation of the live e-game tournament, which I mentioned in the previous entry, with my younger brother. To my amusement, some parents messaged me about how they are also watching the tournament, as this game is very popular in our region. I’m probably one of those few people here who will never play the game because I find it too dizzying, not to mention I suck at those kinds of game anyway, as I only alternate between Tekken, Street Fighter and Injustice when it comes to fighting games. Later on in the evening, the results were: while the first Filipino team got eliminated, the second Filipino team (BREN E-Sports) was able to defeat last year’s strongest contender/favourite pick (Indonesia’s Alter Ego team) and make it to Top 3! We were hollering with their comeback victory, as our expectations were actually 50/50 due to BREN E-Sports always losing during the beginning rounds of each game, even getting sent to the lower bracket earlier in the competition due to it. It was revealed during the interview, however, that losing in the beginning rounds was actually part of their strategy, so they can read the competitor’s moves first, as well as let the other party become overconfident (especially when up against teams who like to taunt, flex, “trash talking” and all) so they would underestimate BREN E-Sports’ gameplay.
Me, who likes using the same strategy when necessary:
(I feel kinda called out lol. But in all seriousness, I approve!)
It was hard to settle down and meditate before bedtime because of the rush BREN E-Sports’ comeback victory gave us. But settle down I did after a while, though I didn’t do any music meditation, only a repeat of the second half of today’s earlier meditation. In this meditation, I heard a few inaudible whispers which didn’t feel like anything at all, merely sounds I was straining to discern but failed to. I also saw flashes of eyes looking at me, as well as antlers (which I randomly began seeing ever since last November). I could tell the eyes and antlers were symbolizing two separate people/energies though, and while I conducted a simple banishing to be sure, I honestly feel protected and looked after whenever these two energies randomly make themselves known.
I followed the same routine of exercise and meditation come Sunday morning, while at the same time vaguely racking my mind in remembering details of last night’s dream. However, I set these thoughts aside upon beginning Part 2/2 of the requested reading. Only two more reading requests and I would finally be done. I was also close to finishing sharing what I know about court cards with a particular member. It was suggested by different querents, ever since last year, that I should start teaching about tarot, or at least opening a tarot reading thread of my own. While I truly appreciate the feedback—and I’ll be lying if I said the thought of opening a divination thread of my own didn’t cross my mind—I still don’t think this is the right time. I dislike doing anything in a half-hearted manner, especially when it’s something I have passion for, such as divination: I want to be at my most focused and functional when I do offer public readings. Also, as much as I try to wrap my head around it, I just don’t really feel like a teacher; a person who constantly practices divination always felt fitting for what I do. C̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶s̶l̶i̶n̶g̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶.̶
Sunday afternoon was spent updating online class portfolios and scheduled lessons/activities for this week. I was sneaking peeks again at the live e-game tournament while doing mundane tasks: this time it’s BREN E-Sports vs. RRQ, the remaining team from Indonesia. Whoever wins here would take part in the Grand Final and face Myanmar’s team, The Burmese Ghouls, who already secured the other grand final spot due to their amazing performance in the earlier games. I was never interested in the game, nor did I understand it without frequent comments and information from my younger brother, but watching all these gamers compete had me hyped up and even moved. I’m a bit hesitant to share this because it sounds silly, but there were even times I got goose bumps when watching the tournament. It’s as if you could feel everyone’s drive, determination, focus—heck, even their nerves—to do their best and win, you know? Others might think, “But pfft, it’s just a mobile game. What’s the big deal?”, but personally, I fully respect all the players who took part in it because from the few emotions I’ve picked up on without purposely tapping in-depth into them, everthing they did up there on the world stage was no simple or easy feat. Kudos to ALL teams from the different countries, indeed.
BREN E-Sports won and advanced to the Grand Final, which will be held later on at 6 PM. To re-direct the dizzying energy of excitement and anticipation, I spent those waiting hours completing the required short narrative + feedback for students’ weekly class performance, as well as politely responding to some parents’ inquiries about either their children, or what to expect of lessons/activities/schedules this February. It was also amusing how, when I asked the younger brother to clean the bathroom (which is his assigned household chore every weekend), he did so with no complaints at all and instead, with so much energy. I guess the victory rush really needs to be redirected elsewhere, lest we explode from all this waiting lol.
The evening championship game lasted for hours, with both The Burmese Ghouls and BREN E-Sports matching each other point by point. The commentators even emphasized how this is the most remarkable Best of 7 game they had so far, with both teams really battling it out throughout each round. In the end, BREN E-Sports emerged victorious, which had us whooping and even jumping around for a while. Even my older sister called via video chat (she is an avid player of the game as well), excitedly sharing that our country’s team won.
I also found it adorable how, even though most of the commentators were from different countries, they repeatedly shouted and encouraged everyone to say BREN E-Sports’ famous chant throughout the game, which is, “BREN lang malakas”. I don’t know about you, but I really find it cute when someone tries to speak my native language lol. In English, the statement “BREN lang malakas” could be translated to, “BREN is the only strong team/one”, with BREN (the name of the team) + lang (“only”) + malakas (“strong”). Based on this context, it could also be interpreted as, “BREN is the only strongest team”. When they won, the chant also trended locally, along with the game results.
This time, I felt drawn to redirecting the victorious rush to updating then meditating on my e-shrine. It was quite a weird sight, in my opinion: writing poems about spirituality, and then sitting there, eyes closed in front of a laptop as I simply soaked in the energy that came from offering those poems to the spirits currently guiding me in the present. Including an offering specifically for King Paimon in my e-shrine also came to mind, as he was the one who mysteriously pulled me back to the forum last year. Now that I’m figuring out more and more why I’m here, despite it being realistically impossible in the past due to how busy mundane life is, I can’t help but wonder if I should also write a heartfelt poem or letter dedicated to him. I received no intuitive response or insight, but what I did get was a sudden feeling to incorporate dancing in my routines.
I was about to complain how I can’t dance to save my life, only basic dancing and a laughable one at that, before I shut my mouth and realized that the call to dance isn’t about how perfectly or ideally I could do it. Instead, it was more about the emotions dancing could evoke from me, as well as establishing a personally suitable method wherein I could be more in touch with my own sensuality/sexuality. It took me almost falling asleep to realize that the thoughts and feelings I received from this matter also resonates with the vibes I got upon connecting with the Tarot of Sexual Magic.
Whether this is solely King Paimon’s response for an offering, an effect of the newest deck I purchased or a combination of both, I’ve yet to try and see.
The championship video from the e-game tournament I kept on talking about. Feel free to watch it, skip-watch it or entirely ignore it lol:
Love the new profile pic BTW.
