No dreams but I am feeling more balanced. My state of mind and body has been improving over the course of this working. I would say so is my soul but that could be from the 42 letter name of god working as well. I am noticing that while the 42 is focused more on manifestation, this has a more “tuning” function. It is very subtle in nature but just enough power to start shifting things. Tomorrow I will begin with the fourth name.
This name focuses on the emotional and the author claims it helps one to become emotionally grounded. I wrote the Hebrew of the name on my left palm and pronounced the name (SHAT-EYE) as I gazed at the letters, visualizing it glowing. The flesh of my palm where it was written became comfortably warm as I used the hand to draw the Hebrew in front of me, visualizing light emerging from my index finger to write the letters. I visualized the name glowing before me as I chanted and noticed that in the silence between each repition, I felt energy being pushed back at me. The sensation was similiar to feeling the vibration of a really strong bass and the imagery of musical instruments came to mind. My weariness from the day seem to melt during this meditation and felt at calm when I emerged out of it. Interesting.
Found myself waking up in quite a low place, although it is still no where near as oppressive as my emotions where in the past. Found myself noticing how I am tired of watching people fight over essentially the scraps of tendon and flesh from the bones in life as if it was prime rib, while thenreal deal is often nearby. So much senseless in fighting and I would be a hypocrite if I would deny I did take part in it. Pointless victories for mediocre rewards. I will have to spend more time picking and choosing my battles more carefully, and ignoring what is not worth my time.
So, to summarize my observations, I am going through a purging process after activating the fourth name for the first time. It can suck to go through, but is necessary.
Repeated the ritual as I did yesterday. I will say that the energy was more intense in general, wrapping around me and drawing me down when I stated I wanted to a glimpse of emotion through the eyes of a god as I gave into the trance. The visual was intense as I was essentially sucked in a series of swirling colors. The best way I can describe what I was seeing is that it was like projecting oneself into the background of Vindicent van Gogh’s the Starry Night, except that the colors were moving and swirling in and out of eachother. Darker colors tried to conquer lighter shades, only for the lighter ones to bleed through and try to return the favor. There was no still spot to stand on, only the constant flow. Even if a spot “appeared” to be still, it was flowing in spirals upon closer examination. There was no stable ground to hold onto, only the constant change. I was pulled out fairly quickly out of that.
I am still quite buzzed after that, but not necessarily jittery. I am still fairly grounded, just somewhere inbetween. Although I did crack a joke at myself by suggesting that perhaps the hallucinogens I planned on trying in the future may not be a good idea if I have these kind of visuals while somber (never had them, nor am I cracking on anyone who has. I just needed a laugh in the moment and I might as well make fun of myself).
This ritualnwas another repeat. After focusing on my breath, I made the gesture of writing the Hebrew with my index finger, visualizing a light coming out of it. I breathed as I finished and began to chant the name, focusing on understanding it. My vision began to turn dark as I chanted and slipped into trance. I eventually found myself in a state of nothing. There was no light and therefore no darkness to draw a comparison. Nothing else I could sense, just a void. Slowly a light began to emerge, distantly at first but came closer as I chanted. Eventually it came forth as a sphere of light. At that point I was aware if my hands and shrunk the light down into my palms. I allowed it to sink into the flesh and traveled to my chest before splitting. One half I felt traveled to my head and I began to see stars in the void, as well as a path out. I walked down it and became aware of this reality again.
Now that I am not working with the 42 letter name of god, I can safely add observations from the time period I am awake without fear of mixing the effects. Emotions were a theme last night, although very few from my mine. It was mostly an observatioj of those around me, listening more than I let them on. I notice how many are obsessed with complaining. And how little I actually cared upon listening to it, as it just seemed to be noise. Hell, the entirity of the job and all the tasks I worked with magic to help achieve seemed as valuable as static noise now.
Ironically, at the time I was noticing that, my intention shifted to the Art of Manliness Podcast episode I was ignoring while observing to about a Japanese form of thought called Naikan. The guest was describing how one is considered accepted when openly complaining (examples being someone cut me off, the boss is a jerk, my wife did not make me coffee, etc), while viewed as being mad if mentioning all the good little things in life (example: my car started with the first try in the bitter cold, I have food to eat, the coffee I do have is hot). He mentioned that there is a possible evolutionary wiring that leads to this along with social development, which makes sense as depression can improve problem solving skills.
I rewind the podcast and listened to it thoroughly. I do like the three question method as opposed to other methods of “developing gratitude” as it is very point blank. It is based on reality, not how you feel, and expresses the give and take relationships in life, both for ones that are personal and impersonal. I talk a lot about freedom as I am more LHP. Should that freedom also include breaking free of habits fueled by social networks that do not really serve one?
It seems emotions stem quite a bit from how we think and speak. I can this ultimately effecting one’s magic, as we tend to put a value on how we think as an influence (for example, money spells failing because we are too focused on what we lack). Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe one should be obvious to things that are going wrong. But how many times have I really complained to actually seek consul as opposed to complaining for the sake of “fitting in” a social group. And at what cost does that brief moment of belonging really have? Is that moment really valuable to bring up those emotions when the goal is not bouncing ideas for solutions? At what point has human suffering became just noise, senseless sound waves that interfere with the manifestation of our wills? When did words cease to be valuable, just tossed carelessly in the wind?
Things for me to ponder on. It is an interesting relations between the spiritual, physical, mental and emotional. If anyone is interested in the podcast, here is the link.
For this exercise, I wrote the first name in Hebrew on my left palm (representing the spiritual) and the Fourth on my right (representing the emotional). I activated each by chanting them one at a time as I visualized the letters glowing, until it felt right. I kept the palms apart as I did this. I began to chant them both as i brought my hands together, visualzing the two names fusing together as i clasped my hands as one.
The shift in energy is a little hard to describe. It was intense at times as I chanted, enough to give me a slight headache as I adjusted but was also “soft” in others, bringing a slight sensation of cloth on my hands. A very brief visual of a spider web with flashes of light traveling down aspects of it came to mind. It almost reminded me of those simulated videos of how nerves behave in the brain came to mind. I released from there.
We shall see if I’ll have anything worth noting later as my day goes on.
So, yeah. My rage was the most intense it has been in years after that ritual. I am normally a pretty reserved person. However, everything was drenched up and I faced just how much anger and hate I can hold. I was constantly switching from hot rage to apathy, the sway between the two. I did lash out a couple times but managed to keep it to a degree where it was still just. I had to take some time to isolate and truly find the sources of the conflict. From there, I used the 42 letter name of god in a more…harsh approach and stripped the blessings I have given that have only resulted in wounds, shattering the bonds. In my work place, this resulted in machines catching on fire, flooding, electrical issues, arguments, pyschosis, anxietym etc.Then spent the night in the chaos that wound up others around me so much that they barely noticed my presence.
I am calmed for the most part now, although still a bit raw. Now to look forward with what is needed to be done. I will say, it is wise never to assume a system is entirely “light/good” or “dark/Bad”. With a little creativity, anything can be turned into either a tool or a weapon. It all depends on who weilds it and where they draw the lines.
The web of emotions within a social group is a powerful tool, and can be used in many ways. My rage and will to rein back what I gave bled through the environment. That being said, it can most likely work in reverse as well. Although I am not sure the price is worth the reward this go around.
Same working as yesterday. I did not really have time to really synch in for visuals as I had to deal with a conflict midway. I did notice that my anger, while expressed and made very clear, was controlled and the other party understood transparently. I did channel my emotions into the other person to establish my will, but did not get carried away. My focus was clear and there was not a single wasted word. Straight business, as it should be. Not a bad exercise to use prior to dealing with social issues.
I was pretty emotionally stable last night. There were flickers of emotions (joy, frustration, sorrow, etc) but nothing that stuck for too long. I did notice that the ones I treasured more (such as gratitude and joy) lingered more than the frustration (which went more into apathy after a bit if I am completely honest). I wouldn’t say I am depressed, more that I am not trying to hold onto whatever emotion I am experiencing. I certainly did not have the rage I did yesterday, although I noticed I was getting to that edge when I saw someone mistreated. I am pretty such this scenario is called “righteous anger”, which I will need to explore more, preferably from the more psychological aspect. I am sure there are both benefical and harmful aspects to it I should be aware of.
Same exercise as yesterday, although my intention was to see one of the more emotional moments in my soul’s journey. The image I got was seeing a woman dressed in black standing on a cliff, crying. Based on the clothing, my best guess would be some point in during the middle ages, not sure where exactly. I could tell she was mourning and I was not physically there. This was someone I loved and I died far away from home. I felt like I had lingered until she got the news and, after a time, I placed my “hand” on her head. She looked back and obviously could not see me. I said goodbye and stepped back, leaving as the visual ended.
Feeling quite raw after that exercise, as the visual did bring a tear. We shall see if anything other memories come up.
There was not really much else I could note on the last ritual, other than feeling a pull towards an event called the Battle of Hattin, which ended the Christian Rule of Jursalem established in the First Crusade when they surrendered to the Muslim armies led by Saladin. Perhaps I fought and died on that battlefield in some past life, but I cannot be sure. I believe there was a movie based around that battle but I cannot remember the name for the life of me. Either way, not really much else to go on so I will be moving on.
For this ritual, I created a symbol to use all four of the names I have worked with. I drew a square, followed by an “X” through the square to divide the interior into four parts. I wrote the names in Hebrew (the first for the base, the second towards the left, the third on top and fourth on the right). After that, I went with a gut instinct by drawing four circles on the four points of the triangles formed in the center. With each circle I drew four lines. Here is the finished symbol:
Honestly, the built up energy from the chant actually distracted me from the visual, which was brief. Upon the last chant, when I pushed my intention into the symbol, I could see the image in its entirety glow and “flash” like some may have sigils do. When i put my hand on the symbol to release, it felt like the energy shot up my arm and left me, leaving me dazed. I am still in that state currently, but will be carrying this around to see what comes up with it.
It seems like whenever I use the fourth name in a new set, the first day of that set usually involves me in a raw rage. Anger is an emotion I am very well versed in and have used in magic often, but last night I was kind of experiencing how an emotion to that extreme really affects the overall self. Obviously, it blocks out the other emotions all together before effecting the mind to where that is all you can think about. Eventually the body wears down from the all the stress and the spirit feels a bit hollow because of it. This is not the first time this has happened to me of course, but it was interesting to both experience it while also observing the process slowly as the night carried on.
I will say that the symbol is very good for getting people to tell you what they really think so you can see where they stand. I noticed some of the individuals had a bit of a hazed look in their eyes during this which leads me to associate it with the symbol. That is actually a big factor of what set me off, as i realized how much of my life is devoted to either being vented at directly or listening to other people venting. Not exactly a fun experience and a majority of those individuals I can lay aside as I really don’t need that weight. I notice that I truly don’t mind listening to those actually trying to make a change and need to complain, but I do for those who are not. Unfortunately, it does seem apparent that many people complain more to “fit in” than actually point out things that need to change.
I am understanding just how difficult it is to balance the soul, the body, the mind and the heart. A slight imbalance and the whole being collapses. If I allow my emotions to get out of control, the condition bleeds into my body and mind, along with my will. If I focus too much on the spiritual aspect, the others become neglected. Too much on the mind and the body and heart start to deteriorate. Keeping everything in check is proving to be more difficult than any of my challenges yet, and I am not fairing very well if I am completely honest. I’ve been close to throw away quite a bit at times, and I am reevaluating my past pursuits, both their benefits and costs.
For this ritual, I repeated the same, although this time I visualized pulling the symbol from the paper after it was activated and pushed it to fuse into my chest. This will likely increase my sensitivity to the imbalance and could possibly put me back into the rage that took a little over a day to cool. But we shall see, as I am noticing with this working that some things tend to go a little differently when you expect it to go one way.
I will note that this symbol does not just cox the truth out of others, but those it did for me as well. And the truth can cut deeper than any blade can, both ways. That being said, it is usually best to hear it anyways.
Thank you. I seem to be correct with this working acting more as a tuning fork than something external. Not quite sure how the last two (social and financial) are going to fit but we will see. I will say this is not my most pleasant pathworking, but I can see it being necessary. In a way, this is more difficult than working with Belial.
Last night, I was actually extremely calm. Due to being understaffed again, I was required to perform the job I held before being a team captain and I was away from all the conflicts thst have been bogging me down. It was nice focusing on nothing else but making something with my hands again. There is a kind of peace where you shut out the unnecessary and focus on creating something that did not exist until you made it so. Perhaps I am overromantizing it, but that is where I have found my drive in many things, including magic. There is something about creation in particular that nourishes my soul.
This was also a lesson for me about how I need to rest in the future when life starts to bog me down. I always thought rest was just not doing anything and my wife has tried very hard to get me to do things like watch television or something to get me still. However, while it can be good for my body on the occasion, this does not really rest my mind or emotions. If anything, I start to get twitchy. So, while keeping in mind not to overwork my body in the process, perhaps a change in behavior at a scheduled time in my day will help my mind rest so that my body can do so.
Repeated the same ritual as yesterday. I noticed that while chanting, my vision darkened slightly. Not quite sure why as my source of light was constant. I was more tired while performing it this go around so perhaps that had something to do with it. We will see what results come this go around and then I will write a summary.