Heartbreak Problems

I hate this whole thing. I don’t even know if I deal with anything. I probably did, and whatever it is it’s probably trying to do its best. Assuming any of this is real and I’m not dreaming. I wish I was dreaming. Because then I would be able to bend the dream to my will.so perhaps I can close my eyes in a dark place, and watch the universe around me fall into the void, and maybe I can rebuild it in my image from that point. Maybe I can bend it to my will as I please. Maybe I can add things that would make me happy. Maybe I could salvage this. I don’t know. Maybe I can. Maybe, though, when I open my eyes I’ll just find another scrap of Hope lost or confused.

I looked every spirit I trust dead in the eyes and they told me that there was hope. Not just in general, not just for my life, but for this specific issue. Am I to believe them? am I supposed to believe them once I realize that there’s something that doesn’t quite match up with everything else, and I realize that I’m chained to my perspective completely unaware of what’s going on beyond me? I look into the past, this isn’t the first time I’ve messed up Minor details. This isn’t the first time I’ve even messed up major details

Maybe there is hope. maybe I just need to walk up to him and speak to him. Or maybe he’ll just shy away, turn his head, and keep walking. What good is speculation?what good is any of this? This reveals some underlying issues I’ve had for a long time. Inaccuracies in my communication. except the stakes are higher, and not knowing what’s going on is much more painful and much more dangerous.

I got my answer. I think. He shut me out again. Lies. All of it.

All of this is full of lies

How am I supposed to go on. not only have I lost my boyfriend, and now I have to deal with the aftermath of my emotional turmoil, but I’ve lost my craft. It doesn’t work. Everything doesn’t work. I’m back. Downstate. I’m in that hole. I’m dead, but somehow I’m still living. That’s not worth going on for. That’s just as good as being dead.

I’m so blind. But at least I have one crutch. Now that I know that this doesn’t work. If I do ever plan on ending it all, I don’t have to go through this again.That would be the end, that one final cut off. I don’t have to worry about life after death.

Have one final person to talk to. Evidently, it’s not any of you.

They’re going to take a while to respond, so I’ve pulled my final spread.

Past, four of cups. Perhaps there was something being offered to me I could not see. Perhaps. I was too caught up in my own suffering. What was it?apparently I was being offered a five of Wands. I’m done fighting, and I have no idea what that means.

Six of swords is in the present position. To perfectly honest with you, I probably won’t end my life. but I really want to. This card indicates that easier times are on the horizon, and right now is a hard period for me. Oh, the many times I’ve drawn this card. It’s like an old friend. Except I hate it.

I hate the Future card. It’s almost like it’s mocking me. I was able to draw these cards in an emotionally sound state. Or at least a numb one. The future card is judgment. Apparently, I have no clue what judgment means. I have pulled it in the past, present, and future. I have spoken with Gabriel to no end about this card, and it’s still waits in front of me, looking down on to me, laughing at my depression as I sink even deeper at its hands, hope takes me one step forward, then five steps back.

But perhaps I don’t understand its meaning. Let me read its meaning in my tarot Bible.

I don’t like any of these meanings, but one of them stands out to me.
“as a future card you will have to make decisions by facing up to the facts rather than avoiding them. With judgement you can Atlas get off the fence, make choices and wake up to new possibilities. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.”

And yet, as I try to look the facts in the eye I cannot know them.so many times I’ve asked, so many times I’ve been given an answer that doesn’t seem to sit quite right.so many discrepancies, and I will ask spirits with a coma mind who have told me that things would be alright oh, and where they playing into my wishful thinking? I don’t know. My craft is dead, my relationship with my best friend is gone and they’re quite literally isn’t any ambition to continue on with anything. What facts do I have to face? I will pull a clarifying card.

I have pulled too. Ace of Pentacles, a sign of success and New beginnings. Also, it is the card of the day from earlier. And the world. Ending.This is not a good end, and that’s usually what the world means. Some sort of happy ending. Some sort of fulfillment. So, my monkey brain can either consider this means of that the depression, this pain, is ending and the deal I made with Tul will prevail, giving me success, a new beginning. happiness. Or it could mean that it is time to step away from Sam and give up completely on that, and start some new venture. That’s the problem. It could mean either. I’m going to pull a clarifying card.

The lovers. That’s a clarification if I’ve ever heard one, but I’m going to completely clear my mind and pull another card and see if that wasn’t wasn’t a fluke.I’m pretty sure my mind was clear, but I’m hoping that this isn’t wishful thinking.

Four of Wands, the success card. Let me look into this a little bit deeper.
“Congratulations!this card is a blessing to have in any way out as it heralds a time for rejoicing and celebrating. It can also imply dancing towards Harmony and that happier times are ahead. When in the you know position you have fresh confidence about your intentions and are finally at a point where you can feel proud of anything you’ve accomplished”

It also says you can free yourself from situations that don’t suit you, but honestly I don’t see how I can free myself from a situation that doesn’t suit me, this is the lack of something that doesn’t suit me not the presence. I do not have much faith in my craft, although I know these cards work. Freeing myself from doubt is not something I can so easily do, for it is the lack of structure that brings me the lack of belief.

So there’s only one thing in this can mean. So I’m wondering. I cleared my mind, I cleared my heart. I felt nothing and I pulled these cards. Am I to believe they are true? After all this? I am not sure. But if I am to believe these cards, then I suppose this is my one step forward. Let us hope it does not bring me five steps back.

@Ryce

Hey. Can you give me a second opinion on this spread?

I’m at work atm. Maybe later when I can sit and look!

1 Like

Doesn’t look like I’m going to get a message from my sorcerer friend anytime soon. That’s too bad. I’ve come off my murder high, but it probably won’t stay that way. Frequent mood swings are a side effect of being alive. But I’m feeling pretty good right now.

I’ve discovered a weird way to look at auras. This is completely unrelated, but I guess it gives me more understanding and faith in my craft.

Aurora’s are a weird form of synthesis.but it’s trained uncontrollable. All you have to do is apply the feeling of an energy to your physical seeing capabilities. I know that’s hard to explain

Nevermind, not working anymore.

Favorite card: Nine of Cups. I like getting my way and I wish I could get more of my wishes granted. Love drawing it.

Least favorite card: Seven of Swords. There is literally nothing positive about this shitty fucking card. I hate it, I hate drawing it, and the idea that I cannot see always sends me into a frenzy.

What I need to learn: Five of Pentacles. Help is near, you don’t have to be the victim. You can also press on and be your own solution.

Visions of blood spiral before my eyes as I despair in the pit I swore to leave, but admitted to returning.

It draws you in like a hellish whirlpool, and only after you leave you find yourself pushed deep enough to discover a new depth.

I hate wanting to die, why should I take away all I have and will ever have? But still, without my hand, visions of blood spiral before me.

From my shoulders, pooling from my chest. My neck now severed and my organs removed.

Visions of blood pass before my eyes as I begin my descent into hell once more.

I would help myself, if I only knew how.

This was longer than I ever wanted. Why hasn’t enough time passed?

I hate this event. Not the world, not my potential, but my current position in life.

Ryce, mind looking at the spread soon?

If you can.

I’m so sick of seeing guns at my head, knives at my chest. So sick of feeling the warmth of the blood, hearing it splatter on the floor, smelling, tasting the metallic essence.

Two hundred fucking piece of shit posts. The month has ended and I’m still here!

At least it doesn’t hurt to look at him