They’re going to take a while to respond, so I’ve pulled my final spread.
Past, four of cups. Perhaps there was something being offered to me I could not see. Perhaps. I was too caught up in my own suffering. What was it?apparently I was being offered a five of Wands. I’m done fighting, and I have no idea what that means.
Six of swords is in the present position. To perfectly honest with you, I probably won’t end my life. but I really want to. This card indicates that easier times are on the horizon, and right now is a hard period for me. Oh, the many times I’ve drawn this card. It’s like an old friend. Except I hate it.
I hate the Future card. It’s almost like it’s mocking me. I was able to draw these cards in an emotionally sound state. Or at least a numb one. The future card is judgment. Apparently, I have no clue what judgment means. I have pulled it in the past, present, and future. I have spoken with Gabriel to no end about this card, and it’s still waits in front of me, looking down on to me, laughing at my depression as I sink even deeper at its hands, hope takes me one step forward, then five steps back.
But perhaps I don’t understand its meaning. Let me read its meaning in my tarot Bible.
I don’t like any of these meanings, but one of them stands out to me.
“as a future card you will have to make decisions by facing up to the facts rather than avoiding them. With judgement you can Atlas get off the fence, make choices and wake up to new possibilities. There is a feeling of a weight being taken off your shoulders and the ability to forgive yourself or someone else for past mistakes.”
And yet, as I try to look the facts in the eye I cannot know them.so many times I’ve asked, so many times I’ve been given an answer that doesn’t seem to sit quite right.so many discrepancies, and I will ask spirits with a coma mind who have told me that things would be alright oh, and where they playing into my wishful thinking? I don’t know. My craft is dead, my relationship with my best friend is gone and they’re quite literally isn’t any ambition to continue on with anything. What facts do I have to face? I will pull a clarifying card.
I have pulled too. Ace of Pentacles, a sign of success and New beginnings. Also, it is the card of the day from earlier. And the world. Ending.This is not a good end, and that’s usually what the world means. Some sort of happy ending. Some sort of fulfillment. So, my monkey brain can either consider this means of that the depression, this pain, is ending and the deal I made with Tul will prevail, giving me success, a new beginning. happiness. Or it could mean that it is time to step away from Sam and give up completely on that, and start some new venture. That’s the problem. It could mean either. I’m going to pull a clarifying card.
The lovers. That’s a clarification if I’ve ever heard one, but I’m going to completely clear my mind and pull another card and see if that wasn’t wasn’t a fluke.I’m pretty sure my mind was clear, but I’m hoping that this isn’t wishful thinking.
Four of Wands, the success card. Let me look into this a little bit deeper.
“Congratulations!this card is a blessing to have in any way out as it heralds a time for rejoicing and celebrating. It can also imply dancing towards Harmony and that happier times are ahead. When in the you know position you have fresh confidence about your intentions and are finally at a point where you can feel proud of anything you’ve accomplished”
It also says you can free yourself from situations that don’t suit you, but honestly I don’t see how I can free myself from a situation that doesn’t suit me, this is the lack of something that doesn’t suit me not the presence. I do not have much faith in my craft, although I know these cards work. Freeing myself from doubt is not something I can so easily do, for it is the lack of structure that brings me the lack of belief.
So there’s only one thing in this can mean. So I’m wondering. I cleared my mind, I cleared my heart. I felt nothing and I pulled these cards. Am I to believe they are true? After all this? I am not sure. But if I am to believe these cards, then I suppose this is my one step forward. Let us hope it does not bring me five steps back.