First of all your back pain most possibly is the result of having muscle imbalances which can be easily fixed with simple stretches and maybe yoga.
I have sometimes shoulder pain or hip pain and that is due to emotional stress. And you sound as you are going through some heavy stuff there.
If it is not an injury then the higher possibility is that it is a nerve pain. So when your spirit heals and you make some positive changes you will go back to normal.
Visit a doctor just in case. Also a doctor who does acupuncture can help you too.
About your homophobia.
You said that you also had a girlfriend. This could mean that you are bisexual. Which is absolutely fine. The majority of people are bisexuals in some spectrum.
I m considering myself straight but i have kissed 8 different girls. And i do have fantasies about other women. However i dont panic.
Sex is pleasure and what you want to do for your pleasure is nothing to feel embarrassed about nor it defines you as a person (with the exception of pedophilia. Pedophilia is NOT acceptable under any circumstances).
So either you have fantasies of men or women it is all good.
You dont have to explain yourself to noone. You also dont need to put on yourself any label.
Just enjoy what you feel drawn to enjoy and make the most out if your life.
Maybe if you sleep with another man , might not feel as great as you imagined it. And maybe it feels exciting because it feels forbidden.
There is nothing wrong in experimenting.
Just open up yourself to lust.
I understand. But I don’t fucking want it. I already have Herpes type 1 and 2. I don’t need anymore. Seriously, fuck that. I will cease to exist if I do end up with it.
Yes, I do have to reframe the solution to my problems. Big time.
Welcome @Completelyworthless Please follow the rules of this forum and properly introduce yourself, before making any more posts. CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW and tell us about yourself and any experience you may have in magick, such as what you practice, how long you have practiced, areas of interest, etc:
To be fair to the OP, Belial is the tough love teacher, he will watch you flounder so you can learn the lesson, he’s not like say, Opfaal who will deliver, Belial will watch you be hoist by your own petard, and only step in where the damage would be such that you could not learn from it.
It’s definitely a case of caveat emptor (buyer beware) when you do this kind of magick, but that’s why BALG exists to share our experiences so people can compare notes and make decisions with more data.
You’re right @Mulberry which is why I included this. Belial is known for hard lessons. I cannot imagine leading a life that is incredibly hard and expecting Belial to make all my problems vanish without putting me through some trials first.
I think that’s a statement that could use a quote.
I see. I should’ve never made this pact is the conclusion I’m getting. Sounds like I made this pact for the wrong reasons. I don’t know.
I have so much internalized homophobia. It makes making friends and having a relationship very difficult for me. Having a relationship with my parents. The pot smoking over the last near decade has really made my life difficult alongside with it. I make an effort not to act on these feelings but recently did and feel much shame and guilt. I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to lead a very lonely and solitude life. No man or…woman for me. Leaves me bitter and angry. Not being able to have a wife or raise a family. Even worse, because I’m a metalhead and this subculture is for better or for worse, very macho and heteronormative. With the exception of Rob Halford. I feel so closeted and isolated.
I’ve read that too on here browsing the forums in the past. I definitely knew this desire wouldn’t be done without something in return. I just don’t know. I’m very new to this field. I haven’t been able to properly communicate with him yet. I’ve been unsuccessful in my past rituals. I have no desire for political goals.
Thank you for your response. I now realize this pact might’ve been a mistake. I’m on the fence now whether I want to continue this pact or not. So far it’s made my life absolute hell. If this is his ways of teaching, he is a mean bastard. I realize there’s a good analogy that describes my situation. Jumping into the deep end of a pool or lake without going through the shallow parts. I will find some meditation, and I need to learn more about banishing and grounding.
Thank you. How do I ground myself? I try not to abuse drugs instead use them but it blurs the line sometimes. I never asked to have an addictive personality. Life’s not fair.
Yes. I recently got into the occult back sometime late last year. I made all those mistakes. I didn’t think a pact with Belial would be this hard. I’m on the fence whether I want to continue it or not. I would ask him to lay off or ask for kinder guidance if I ever succeed in making communication with him. So far I haven’t. Indeed they push.
Possibly. Yes, I am at fault for getting into a relationship with a spirit I obviously I didn’t know nearly enough about. Doing it on the fly and haphazardly.
