I am currently going through feelings of depression which feels like being dead but alive. suicidal thoughts because I am not sure what I want to do with my life( I trying music again but I at the same time I hate it). I want to study and do magick but not sure what I want to do with it. Where ever I write and talk about how I feel it always brings an intuitive image in my head from the Devil to vampryism. I try to find an outlet but I find nothing. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I find myself being drawn to vampryism because I feel like I have no life in me anymore. The pain is starting to take its toll, and I just want to leave the world and rest or better yet leave my body and be somewhere else to recharge but I can’t even do that. I want to put in the work to get my life together but at the same time, I want to die or at least stop the pain. I feel weak, lost, alone, dead, like I am in my own hell and I can’t get out.
Sorry to read you’re going through a tough time.
First, I have to say, if you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help, such as a crisis helpline in your country. Please visit this link to find the appropriate number:
If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call your local emergency number or go to your local hospital emergency room right away. If you are unsure of the right number to call, please visit this link and call the number next to the country where you are located:
Here are some additional contacts:
US: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
US LGBTQ Youth (the Trevor Project): 1-866-488-7386
US Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (press 1)
Canada: 1-800-784-2433
International: Befrienders Worldwide http://www.befrienders.org/
Australia: 13-11-14 (lifeline) or 1-800-55-1800 (kids help line for 5-25 yrs old)
UK Samaritans: 116 123 (UK) & 116 123 (ROI) free of charge, or e-mail: [email protected]
And this is an article especially for anyone dealing with shame over feeling, or having felt, that their life had become unliveable: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/2
Back to magick, and things I do know about, try this on the feelings of pain and despir:
Hey man. Do you feel comfortable having someone talk to you about this? I’m willing to hear you out if you feel comfortable 
I am going to send you a DM. Please feel free to speak there. I will listen and try my best to help you.
I enter these depressive states from time to time. Going for a walk just around the block helps clear it, sometimes. You could try that or even spend some time with nature, in garden or a forest for most of the day. That might help.
I recently went through one of these myself. My DM is always open to help like I mentioned earlier. I sent you one so you can reply and have a safe place.
Yeah
Good! @Darkprincess has already dmed you is it alright if I do so as well?
Yeah thank you