If you’re stilling running into problems with “what’s real” try reading this, I mean actually reading it, not just downloading it and maybe skimming the first page 
then meaning to get to it later on: The Kybalion PDF, archived link (we don’t trade PDFs on here as a general rule but this one is okay, the text is out of copyright and the edition was given for download from the site that created it).
I can’t recall if I replied with these to you before, apologies if it’s a duplicate, I shared why I think magicians are prone to addiction here: Opiates and magick? - #3 by Lady_Eva
Doesn’t mean to say you can ever let it take you over, but it does mean you’re very far from alone, and not even weak - addiction is a given after a certain point, that differs among different people but not by much, and your strength of will can be used against you by the addictive voice within trying to get what it wants, and telling you that you have the ability to ride it out. quit any time, etc. I shared my experience with that shit, here: Magick and booze - #4 by Lady_Eva
Good to see you back. 