Last experience: in short. Ive been single for along time. Had a crush on a gothic wiccan. He let me down. Did some manifestations to find a teacher and a magician lover. He soon came. He said he studied in an ‘Order’. He started pushing abit for intimacy. Later retracts gives mixed messages, degrades me, and started doing questionable sht with his magic to me. Radomly crushes my self worth etc. In short he did something that left me feeling shocked and traumatised, I guess for at last sticking abit up for myself and not treated like, what I thought was me being humble and respectable to a teacher, to voice my confusion and standing ground by feeling done by, yet denying my feelings and pain he caused. As we practied remote viewing and energy work together too, I felt his onslaught and wrath for months at certain times he sent them even, and also it was generally constant and peaks… I lost weight, got ill, and almost insanity, and flashbacks of trauma, disturbed sleep, night terrors, etc. And I felt an extra energy of a girl he used to send me this sht too. Either you believe in magic, or pure narcissistic abuse and the qualms it brings - it felt like it was both. It was a shock unexpected, even due to his ‘cues’, and I envisioned if it happening Id still with time get over it… Like Ive gone through heavy sht in my life, I should be able to handle this, but now hes making a joke out of me that I can’t handle this. Because this was different, it was a shock, a betrayal, making me feel all my efforts and all that I am, etc, all rolled into one, by the person I saw as my best friend, lover, spiritual confidant, self improvement teacher all rolled into one, as I wasnt not worth it. The amount of stoney heatedness and disrespect and severe lack of empathy I didnt believe hed stoop so low a blow, to break me in all the pillars, and weak spots, I felt held me together he knew where to knock and leave, and instead of getting back at him and confessing his wrongdoings to his face at the time, I never did in retaliation, whats worse I found myself apoligising and begging, self blame, lets try again, which I didnt notice at the time, was giving him more power of how stupid and pathetic I was and refused point blank “he cant help me anymore” I was a “mistake” he “didnt know what he was getting himself into” and “nobody will ever want me” " all my working on myself wasnt worth it"… (like please mate, I was only trying nice to you, such a stupid people pleaser I was, loving and loyal, bought you stuff, tried to make you happy and please you etc;, and I survived sh*t so far in my life without you, to put me down and tell me “I cant move on because I feel sorry for myself” (out of the blue while sitting on a bench eating pizza next to him, yet he complains Im the one constantly unhappy and apparently its just me being “triggered” which causes me to not react to prove Im not getting ‘triggered’ and self improving, while hes getting away being bulling more and more out of the blue under the guise ‘hes helping me’ and have no respect for what I say, the views of his ‘friends’ of ‘what I am’ is above me… like why go out with me and take up so much of my time and assets if you didnt,… I didnt notice at the time he was having a small ego trip, but it confused me as in the beggining it seemed like genuine love…) yet saying such things to anyone who has been open to you and they have been affectionate about listening up until this point, saying such things out of the blue while having a ‘romantic moment’ will kill the vibes, mate! But not only that push it to the point of making your ‘girlfriend’ cry… but no he was ‘just trying to get me to have a breakthrough’ and see thats why hes gotta leave me because he ‘cant help me’… more like he was intrested and already talking to a better looking and more attention side chick… but Im guessing it didnt work out with them… he missed out on someone genuinely loving and generous and loyal!..) – I never told him that though). (But I keep repeating the mistakes out of “love” - questionable, aha). And I never deliberatly mistreated him, quite the opposite… I gave him my all … but he claimed it was nothing and inauthentic, "he got himself too deep with me"aha…, I felt again, I suffer in silance, no justice.
What Im saying is be very careful dealing with such people. I was lucky, eventhough I only started studies with him and didnt finish, my guides where protecting me. He didnt seem to like it. He was the master here, and I his willing humble side kick. I dont mind but at least some respect. As by then I deeply trusted him and he broke my heart and soul/ without a second thought of remorse it seems. Always in the game of one upping, and convinced hes never wrong “Im the broken one”, “he doesnt need to change” and this dear lover and dream of dating an occultist turned into a cosmic joke. Yes I learned lessons but its not enough.
He admitted working at one point with Glasia Levulosh, but once he found out I worked once with him, he denied he did… at first he was intruiged and then he didnt like, and warding me off, and scaring me as if I wasnt protecting myself, and banish the spirits that were making me feel stronger or supported. What was worse more I worked with him, more I learnt to open up my natural abilities to spirit (which I constantly put myself down of what I knew and could do and self trust, and put him on a pedastle as a teacher and trust his “advanced” skillset …) I was getting from my guides to leave him, and warning me about him and dislike towards him… which I was never put in the position to choose over my guides (which I obviously I trust and love) and my magic teacher, lover, ‘boyfriend’; my 3d dream, manifestation, invested, soul connection?..etc.
It seems he didnt see me that way in return and I didn’t see it at the time. It hurts to know he lacks empathy or reasoning communication, - if I wasnt what he wanted or made him feel good enough his ego would fall but I didnt know, yet he silantly struck me over and over and I did not retaliate, yet Im the gurbage now, flips the table on the head plays victim on refuses to talk even through for closure. How did I not see this all before. I mean there were the little red flags here and there, growing, but I always like to see the best in people, nobody is perfect, Im not perfect, so I thought I can kindly and logically figure this out because I cared and loved the guy. But when it came down to it he didnt care if I lived or died it seemed… a far cry from the timid and nice(ish) etc person I once knew.
Even he did me dirty, out of respect and holding back, as I did learn from him and loved him, eventhough he denied it and wrecked my soul.
At one point someone mentioned that if they were me they would curse such a person. I guess in an equally honest world he would of deserved it and then some…
But later I asked advice at the time from Glasia Levulosh (when the psychic magical onslaught was still kinda bad) and he said no, (which I was surprised) (probably best not at that time) and that he didnt know what he was doing - eventhough in a physical 3d sense he did. I was also worried because he said he worked with him and thats why I was getting this, but Im sure it wasnt the case and for the best at the time. It might of made things worse.
But hes still not here, hasnt apoligised for the huge havoc he caused, the livespells I did right afterwards didnt seem to help (hes probably not going to change and shouldnt have given him the benefit of the doubt… but why still the deep seated love and urge and upset of not wanting to lose him still after so much time. He was amazing at one point, and I blamed myself for his shift in behaviour towards me.
But when I did a specific love rite, which involve angelic aswell, but when in perticular, I felt as if when I called on Sitri I felt like a grasp at my neck, as if she was not happy or not letting me say my words when I called on her help. But why am I still longing for him after all these signs. I feel there is a strong fight between love, shadow work, the spirit realm and him. Dont know what to do. Was he just precisely that, a lesson, for me to trust my self worth and spirit guides, or these pangs, I once I evolve into a better version of myself he will come round and he is a twin flames of sorts… as at one point he made me the happiest I have felt in along time in my life… and it pains still my heart to let him go, and repeatedly again try cutting those cords, which I didnt want to let go of in the first place. But Im in a stuck place, it has to come from him to want to change or even apoligise or do the right thing or grow a concious. I was at a low place and Im accending, now rolls are reversing, but he cant take that shit and wants to be in his false control… now I see he has to catch up!
Anywho, Ive been in hemit mode for quite some time now, my heart to messed up and trust broken and faith in humanity for like the 100th time shattered. Rebuilding myself from the ground up. But Im not going to give all my love devotion etc to people so freely again. Im trying to learn to ankor in myself, so even if the whole world is against me (like times in my life it has) I will be rooted in myself, and not blindly follow and freely give love to everyone around me who clearly (blinkers) didnt deserve it. And it shows when Im shrivveled up and nobody cares. Selfishness my old nemisis, now we slowly make an agreement and see eye to eye…
Be careful out there peeps. Psycological warfare aint simple.x
P.s. Well this turned out rather long 
. But hey, while in your bordom, while having your coffee and biscuite, you’ll have something to read. Dunk dunk.
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