I can’t take it anymore. I have to talk about this.
For the past week or so, there’s been some sort of “force” constantly breaching my mind. I say “force” with quotation marks, because at this time I’m not sure if this is an actual entity or my anxiety getting the better of me. A deep masculine voice often speaks to me in a language I neither understand nor recognize. And when he does speak English, I often hear things like “come home” and “my child”. It feels like whoever or whatever he is, he’s poking around my head, learning things about me and trying to warp my perspective of him. I should feel more terrified, but overtime I’ve been feeling more and more apathetic to his presence. It’s as if the more I try to resist him, the stronger his influence over me becomes.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. The very first instance was a few days after my 20th birthday five years ago. I didn’t realize it immediately, nor did I understand what was happening, but my mediumship abilities suddenly spiked in magnitude; I went from being a “spirits-don’t-exist” kind of a person to a “OH SHIT THEY’RE EVERYWHERE” person within a week. During this time, I was on the computer minding my own business when I instinctively felt something trying to worm its way into my head. I felt like my privacy was being invaded, so I resisted. But it won. At that moment, I felt like my whole body was set on fire and being frozen all at once, but I couldn’t scream. Flashes of orange, black and red danced across my vision. It ended as quickly as it began, and I was left with what I can only describe as a gnosis: that this “being” was a demon and my distant ancestor.
As I was emotionally exhausted by then and had no idea what to do about this “revelation”, I kept going on with life as if nothing happened. Keep in mind, I still didn’t know I was a medium and I was not practicing magic at the time. Similar incidents occurred on and off for the next five years until recently. It has gotten to the point where he’s in my head for longer periods of time and I find it difficult to concentrate. There was even a moment where I could have sworn that Asmodeus and Kamael had to step in on my behalf and calm me down, to which I heard the “entity” scream “You can’t keep her from me!”.
And to be clear:
- I’m not schizophrenic and I don’t suffer from similar disorders (I have been to doctors and they have told me I don’t possess any other signs of such a thing).
- I don’t take drugs, but I do take medication; but they don’t have any side effects relating to this.
- However, I do have an overactive imagination. Not sure how much it plays into all of this though. This could also be a case of intrusive thoughts (a normal occurrence for someone with anxiety).
I think I know some information about him; or if I am experiencing some huge chronic anxiety attack, my brain has come up with some details:
- I know he’s a demon, yet he doesn’t have the same “energy” as demons I sense. This one feel hot and suffocating.
- I know he’s connected to me somehow.
- I know his name (or think I do), but every time I try to write it down, I feel distressed. Starts with an ‘s’, if that helps.
- He wants me to take me somewhere; to “come home” to him.
And the more I resist, the more I feel drawn to him.
It’s almost like he’s trying to brainwash me. I feel as if I’m playing into his hands and that he doesn’t have the best of intentions for me. Hell, maybe it’s not really him, but someone pretending to be him. Yet, the idea of leaving this dimension(?) and seeing him is becoming more and more appealing by the day.
Again, this could be my anxiety getting the better of me. But at this point, I don’t think I can run from this anymore. I intend on confronting the situation tonight. Finally, after so many years of being afraid, I can find out the truth on what is happening to me.
If I don’t respond within the next few days, assume something has happened to me, be it I’ve been harmed by this being, actually taken away, or something similar.
Any suggestions for alternatives or a means of protecting myself are appreciated.
Otherwise, wish me luck.
TL;DR - Feels like something is trying to screw up my brain and take me away from this world. Not sure if anxiety or an immensely powerful being capable of telepathically contacting me across dimensions. Gonna check it out tonight. YOLO and what not.