Beyond Possibility- Ryce's Journal

How fun! I got a neat sculpture for my birthday. However, I am unsure what it is exactly xD Still very neat. My Step mom said “its dark and reminded me of stuff you like”. I am not sure how ‘dark’ it is, but I do like it. It almost reminded me of Glasya-Labolas, even if its not what it is supposed to be. Step Mom said she thought it was some kind of gargoyle.


Super cute!

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Thank you! I think so too :slight_smile:

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I have been going around with a mish mash of different occult practices (mostly dealing with internal chi, kundalini, chakras, etc), trying to become more than what I am. I was meditating recently and found that something was missing. Sure, I was gaining spiritual power, but my rational mind wanted something with a bit more order. Practicing Zhan Zhuang has made me very aware of my own body, and I’ve had some interesting side effects of the practice, like the acute feeling of pressure in my organs. Though the standing meditation, and beyond in my waking life, I can feel the effects of my practice, but the simple directing of and building up of internal power through both the practice of standing qigong and various meditative practices was not enough. So, I recently ordered the O.A.A.!

Since Koetting put his books on Amazon, I’ve been eyeing them. Anyway, it came a few weeks ago, and I read the entire chapter on the first flame. I had to stop myself from progressing, reading about the second flame when I haven’t done the exercises in the first part of the book. I know myself, and know if I don’t leave the subsequent practices a mystery, I’ll grow bored with it and not have motivation to really move through it like I should.

I just finished the first lesson and am interested to keep going.

Flame 1, Lesson 1-

The meditation it recommends is very straightforward and basic seeming at first. When I first read it, I must admit I was skeptical about the rest of the book. Sure it had cool overtones, but I was not sold. I should have known better, just because something seems easy and basic does not make it any less valid. I mean, look at the some of the postures in Zhan Zhuang.

When I first started the meditation, I did not have too many expectations. I emptied my mind and tried to follow the ten second breath like it instructed. I let my body settle, facing south, but I did not sit on a chair. I have a mat I use for meditation, and sat on that instead. I accomplished the first task rather easily, but I found myself becoming distracted by trying to remember the key parts of the meditation, so I think my visualizations were not the most focused.

However, something really cool did happen. As some of you may know, I evoke spirits. When I do this astral mist starts to form in the room, and it eventually becomes the manifestation base for which all spirits appear to me. When I was doing this exercise, I felt the same mist, the same tangible darkness surround me, saw it wafting through the room clear as incense smoke when I opened my eyes. As I breathed in, it came towards me and caressed my skin, sending shivers through me. The electric little jabs of the wisps gave me the chills. Out and it danced away. This visualization, or state, was probably one of the easiest things to hold onto because of the motion of the darkness. The wisps were mesmerizing and easy to follow. I could feel myself being drawn towards the darkness, even when it was seemly moved away. I found my mind wanting to follow it.

Before I got too far into the practice, I was snapped back to reality by I think was a gun shot outside.

I think this is going to be a very interesting journey, and one with many more reports than just my cultivation practices. I think I finally found something to really give structure and a sort of guide to my practice instead of just, what I have been feeling lately, going through the motions of cultivation and standing.


So, I won’t update my progress every single day on here. I just don’t think that is a realistic expectation I can set for myself. However, I do work everyday ^.^’ even if it seems like a ‘little bit’ every bit helps towards ascent, and that is what I am reminding myself. It’s about the baby steps there. Speaking of baby steps:

Flame 1, Lesson 1-

I feel like this entire exercise was just a way to get the initiate into TGS, although he doesn’t mention it in the book. I bet this O.A.A Pre-dates his more rounded and streamlined ideas he sells on here. I think it is a fascinating starting point, and every time I do this, I get the same feeling with the same mist. It was less intrinsic than it was yesterday, but that was mostly because I decided that I was going to do Lesson 2 as well as Lesson 1 today (so I spent less time with the darkness). Both seemed relatively novice. I got to the point where the mist was thick and smothering and then I moved onto Lesson 2.

Flame 1, Lesson 2-

Oh my goodness. I forgot how calming something like this is. Just watch the pendulum. Just watch the river. Just watch the clock tick, tick, tick. Whatever it is, in whatever form it takes, it is still amazing. I did the ten minute visualization of the pendulum without a hitch. It was an exercise that takes form in most legit books on magic, and it is an oldie but goodie. I think the pendulum is even in most of E.A.'s courses on here as well. Either way, my pendulum never just swings left to right. It swings to the left, then swings to the right, then left again before it disappears and it reappears swinging forward then backwards. Sometimes it went in a little circle. Perhaps something to work on is keeping it swinging in a certain orientation? I mean, I got the visualization aspect of it down.

Also, I found my body rocking with the swinging of the pendulum. I blame my early years in energy work for this, as I was taught how to use my body as a natural conduit for energy. Basically, with dowsing, anything you can do with a pendulum, you can do with your body. Just your body is on a larger scale than a pendulum, but if you open yourself you can be moved by the subtle energies as well. In my younger years, I was very VERY anti-tool, and tried to learn techniques where I did not have to have any ritual tools at all.

I think getting back to the basics, as it is, is going to be refreshing for me. I am going to do exercises 1 and 2 until next week Friday and then move onto Lesson 3. In fact, Ill probably build upon this practice and start 1, 2, and 3, just tack it on there and see how it goes. I will have to procure some colored candles. I think I used all my violet ones when studying E.A.'s astral projection course. Time to do inventory.

EDIT- I almost forgot since I put the experience to the back of my mind during the pendulum watching. As I was watching there were banging on the walls in my room, trying to distract me. Specifically the wall behind me, and the one facing my bed. Which is interesting because I live in a condo, 6 stories up. Both of those walls are exterior walls, or walls that, if you were to tear them down, you would be looking 6 stories North, and West xD There is nothing attached. So it could not have been my neighbor.


I have decided Ill update this when I can.

Today I’ve went through the lessons twice now. Once when I got home from work and got settled, and again after I had a nap. Both times were distracted through the first lesson by thoughts of the day, but I managed to put them aside and focus on the lesson. I was much more focused when I got the pendulum, but both times they were not ideal. I am going to try to the lessons again before bed after I do my standing for the day.

There was nothing that quite stood out today, no banging on the walls either. I blame how distracted I was, even though I was able to focus on the lessons in the end, it just was not as deep as they were the last few days. We all will have our off days I suppose.

Anxiety about getting candles for lesson three has lessened. I happened to find a whole box of colored candles I packed away a few years ago when I first moved. So I have those. I have been reading lesson 3 and 4 of Flame 1 in anticipation. It seems like I could probably do 3 and 4 like I am doing 1 and 2, but I don’t want to feel like I am rushing through things, even if they are basic exercises.

I have enough candles to do lesson 3, going through all the colors, at least 2 times, if I use a whole chime candle per practice (I probably wont, so I have many more than 2 times. Just, setting it at 2 helps me wrap my brain around it). So I decided, next Sat. I will start Lesson 3, and focus on that for an entire week, as that will give me enough time to move through each color at least once. Then the week after that I will tack on Lesson 4 as well, and keep on doing 3.

I know its a lot of planning ahead. I just kind of worry that it might seem rushed and or disrespectful to blaze through these beginning parts. However, I will be willing to give 3 some more work if I feel there is more to be learned from the candle meditation. After all, things appear simple on paper, it might be profound. Though, I have already done some color training when I was heavy into energy work and qi buildup. Used to blindfold myself, shuffle different sheets of parchment paper (usually had someone else shuffle them for me), and try to guess the color based on the feeling of the energy. So I have an idea, but I know 3 is supposed to be deeeeper than the initial feelings. So, I guess, we will see how it goes. :confused:

Just there are 6 lessons in the first part, then the initiation into the first flame. It is seeming by the beginning of next month I will already be half way through the lessons O.o I am sure they increase with difficulty over time, with the later flames! Just I don’t want to cheapen the experience by ‘rushing through it’, however I already have a lot of the basics down. Just idle thoughts, and me wrestling with the initial timeline in my head :confused:

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Something… Odd happened.

I was doing well in the second lesson really getting into the pendulum swings, when I started to feel some pain in my lower back. This is common, and not unheard of, because I have scoliosis and my curves suck, so whenever I sit for meditation I have to first get past my body. Once there, I usually barely notice it, as I am completely focused (as focused as I can be) on the meditation itself. I just divert my attention back to the pendulum whenever I fell myself in pain. Watch the pendulum, watch the pendulum, watch the pendulum.

The pendulum swung, and instead of being in complete darkness, my inner vision was surrounded by flame. Like I was in the middle of a fireball. My back pain increased, and I could feel heat moving through my body, up and up. Just beyond the pendulum swinging, was the darkness I was focusing on in the earlier lesson. It was in a wispy sort of orb. I heard:

“The flame is yours. You are more than worthy…”

I was tempted.

I almost reached out, as I felt like I was being guided to do, but something felt wrong.

Watch the pendulum. That was the task I set aside the ten minutes for. Watch the pendulum. Watch the pendulum. The fire would not stop, the pain in my back was killing me. I took a deep breath in, and willed it all away when I exhaled. It was not time yet, and the vision was interrupting my practice.

Point blank, I denied it. Whatever it was.

“You don’t want it?”

“I do, but not now. I haven’t completed all the lessons yet.”

“You have.”

“Let me do the lessons.”

I heard a kind of laugh, and then the fire disappeared. My back still hurt though, and I had to pull through the final few minutes of the pendulum exercise. In fact, my whole body feels kind of sore. Most likely I was tensing.

Anyway, that happened.

Wishful thinking or fanciful distraction for a few minutes, I did not think the first flame would be offered so quickly. I am going to finish the parts of the book through, and then invoke and accept the first flame properly. It kind of runs parallel to the thoughts I have been having about the first part of this book. It made me skeptical, and I think it was a test more than anything.

There is a lot to be learned, relearned, and experienced by going back to the basics and slowing down every now and then. I don’t want to miss out on anything.

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Wow, so its been a week already. It doesn’t seem like it. I took a couple days off from the lessons to focus on other areas, one of those days was a complete and total break. It was nice and grounding. Today was the first day I ventured forward from Lesson 1&2 and added in Lesson 3 of the First flame. Right now the total circuit of Lessons, just 1-3 takes me about 40 mins if I really get into it. Lesson 1 and 3 I spend the most time on, as I have an egg timer for Lesson 2 that I use to count 10 mins.

Lesson 1 has served as a great settling down and launching point for the succeeding lessons. The darkness grows, and I know its only been a week, but I have noticed a subtle difference in the flow of energy through my body as well when I do my other work. Overall adding in this time to set aside and return to the basics seems to have been just what I needed. I find myself growing more confident in skills that I already possess, and it just feels good to work towards something. A firm path is slowly changing the game I do believe, allowing me to grow. I also am finding joy in the simplicity of these. They are not only brain training, but relaxing and rejuvenating.

Looking back it is funny how things just fall into place. Right now, things are chaos at work, and just super stressful. I find myself coming to lessons more openly now, as they are not only growing my power and opening me to the First Flame, but they serve as a great distraction towards everything else going on. In the darkness of void there is the peace of nothingness. Nothing to worry about. Nothing and nowhere to be. I can just focus on the dark and the pendulum.

Flame 1, Lesson 3-

I chose the red candle to start with. I think Ill just go down the list. I was initially planning on doing a color a day, but upon doing this lesson I don’t think a candle a day is realistic to get the full benefit of the lesson. So I am just going to flow it, and move onto the next color after I feel that I’ve fully channeled the essence of the color that I am working with. So this is probably going to extend to 2 maybe 3 weeks, I do not know for sure. However, next week I do plan on adding Lesson 4 to the mix as well, and just doing 1-4 until I get done fully with 3. I think after I move though all the colors, I am not going to be doing 3 daily, or as part of the routine. It most likely will get chopped.

Anyway from the book:

Red- Mars, Violence, Passion, Love, Hate, War, Murder, Sex, Rape, Blood

Working with the color is different from working with elemental energies. Colors and elements have certain feels to them, and there are some overlap. For example, Red is fire to my mind. It just automatically, FIRE. Though as you see above, Fire is not listed in the attributes to focus on. These are not elemental correspondences that EA wants you to focus on, but the broader aspects of what the color means, and I can appreciate that.

Red is the color of connection, and working with those interpersonal connections in a tangible way. I found it harder to focus on channeling the attributes listed of Red, and had some interesting moments. It was hard to separate Red from the concept of Fire, and so I feel like I need more work with channeling those other attributes of the color. When doing the work I felt little to no emotional buildup, like it described in the book. However I did feel the energy of the color move though me and into the candle. It just seemed… disconnected from the concepts outlined, from the emotions.

I still have a lot of work to do in this area, and it is not as easy as it seemed. I can get the channeling of the energy down, feel it move though me, but I am not to the point where I can channel that raw emotion, those vastly diverse concepts listed. When I tired tonight I felt, just… odd. Odd is a good way to describe it as there was no strong reaction to either side.

I am going to try a new color tomorrow and see if those aspects are easier for me to grasp.

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Before I did the Flame lessons for today, I did a short half-hour guided meditation, and then I practiced some TK with the Psi Wheel. These allowed me to come into the Lessons more tuned than I usually am. I don’t practice TK everyday out of fear of burn out.

Flame 1, Lesson 1-

The Darkness seems to be taking on a more magnetic property. I find a sort of drawing sensation when I sit down with it now. A sort pulling back and forth, a slight expansion outward and inward. It was different to say the least, but the feeling kept consistent throughout the exercise.

Flame 1, Lesson 2-

The pendulum swung. I found myself distracted in this meditation. I could not just focus on the pendulum because the energy from the first exercise was still strong within me. I could feel the tugging on my body. It made my body sway and was distracting. Perhaps this is to further strengthen my ability to focus in the future? Something to work through in the coming weeks…

Flame 1, Lesson 3-

Lesson 3 I still find difficult to separate the colors from elemental perspectives. I’ve never worked them like this before, so it is kind of challenging. I kind of took the list of correspondences not too seriously when I was younger. Shot myself in the foot with that, I think.

Green- Mother Earth, Green Trees, Grass, Birth, Life, Giving, Healing, Nurturing

Green felt secure, and earthy. When I took the color into me, I sort of imagined my body being filled with the color in an attempt to try to assimilate with it. I believe this helped, as I started to feel less and less ‘Earth’ and more ‘something else’. I don’t know if it is the correspondences themselves, but I am moving away from just elements. This is going to take more practice.

Yellow- Protection, Watching Over, Enveloping with Light, Dispelling Fear

Yellow seemed easier to connect with than Green, probably because of the high energy of the color itself and its association with Light and protection.

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Another week!

I find myself really enjoying these simple exercises. I am recycling colors and candles, adding to their charge with each resuse from Lesson 3. I still am struggling with really connecting with the associations, but I think it will come with practice.

Flame 1, Lesson 3-

Orange- Productivity, Reproductivity, accomplishment of work and goals, hard work and reward there from

Orange was particular, in that I felt a sense of completion from it. Not in the light of finality, but more so a completion that leads to a new project. It had a sort of endlessness to it, a drive to continually move forward.

Black- Absorbing all other colors, bringing into oneself, death, ancient, unknown

Black was interesting. I think I really channeled the absorbing of all other color aspect of this one, as the shadows around the candle seemed darker than usual. It was so black that it stuck out, more than when I lit the orange candle. It seemed to have a sort of dark haze around it. I’m not sure how else to describe it. Other than the physical phenomenon, I was struggling like usual. Or maybe this is a sign that the struggle is all in my head? I just am looking too hard for ‘signs’ that I am doing this right.

Flame 1, Lesson 4-

This was a meh exercise for me. I think after I get done with all the colors, twice through, I am going to focus more on this lesson in particular. I believe it was ‘meh’ this time because I was so ‘worn out’ after going through lessons 1-3 (with two candles), that I hadn’t the drive to really dedicate myself to this Lesson. Simply just going through the motions, which is not productive at all in the occult field. I am going to continue to practice the stages of this lesson through next week, until I am done with the candles completely, and then when I cut exercise 3 out, I will devote more time and attention to this.

On top of all this, I still do my regular day to day stuff: build chi energy, do qi gong, practice TK… So it is getting to be kind of ‘a lot’, especially when I have work AND school to juggle along side it all haha. I guess I am just giving myself a pass right now to learn the motions of Lesson 4, and not beat myself up too much because I wasn’t able to feel the intenseness as described in the book (at the first go).

The deeper I delve into this, the more reality, normality, pushes back. I literally was doing nothing when I started, and now out of the blue its a competition for my time and attention. People are recognizing and wanting to talk with me, and I haven’t even done the First Flame Initiation.

By now I reread the exercises and operations, The Lessons, just about daily digging through EAs words. I was reading his commentary on the fifth lesson, as it is the one I have moved on to for now. This quote really stuck with me today:

…You will find that experience, when cultivated through positive repetition, is the greatest affirmation of the reality of a thing… So, become as a child, unconcerned about peer acceptance, unconcerned about results validation, unconcerned about proving your worth, and unconcerned about the possibility of failure…

When I first really was getting to working with Chi and energy in general, I would often call my teacher on the phone. We’d talk about what was being taught, I had a bunch of questions, and at the time I did not even think most of what was brought up was possible. She gave me the same advice, become as a child, and just practice with the pure simple joy and exploring confidence that kid ‘you’ had. I thought and thought and thought, puzzled by how to do this, but eventually, after much practice… I began to just practice for the sake of practicing, not going after some goal of power or being able to do the Death Touch. When I unburdened myself from the anxiety of seeking immediate results and looking for validation within my practice, I started to really grow in my capacity for chi energy.

Its amazing how something so simple, like changing the way you view a situation or your own actions, can have such an impact on not only your state of mind, but your world as well.

Anybody can do it. It is simple. Give yourself permission to go forward, and then be amazed by what YOU can do when you put your mind to it.

Anyway, I was reminded of my initial training, and felt compelled to share.


Amen, and thanks for reposting this, it’s something that really should be right at the top of every page on here! :+1:

…You will find that experience, when cultivated through positive repetition, is the greatest affirmation of the reality of a thing… So, become as a child, unconcerned about peer acceptance, unconcerned about results validation, unconcerned about proving your worth, and unconcerned about the possibility of failure…


It’s been a little over a month now since I started working with the OAA.

I am up to exercise 6, upon which after is the Initiation into the First Flame.

My thoughts on this are mixed, as I feel that I can do some of the Lessons better than others. I want to feel like I’ve ‘mastered’ them before I really move onto the first initiation, but then I may never get to the first flame. xD As mastery does not happen over the course of a month, or months, but years and years of dedicated practice, learning from mistakes, and being tested.

I feel like I can do Lesson 6 better than Lesson 5, the breathing out of godnames is different for me. I am not used to chanting or really vibrating words. A lot of my magick and work is mental, which is probably why I can feel the pulsing absoluteness of the sphere in Lesson 6 quite well, but falter away and barely connect with what is being taught on 5.

Doing Lessons 1-6 (skipping 3- the candles) takes me a little over an hour if I do them one after another. I am not so much concerned about the time it takes, but moreso on how I feel while doing them. There are a few that I feel more and more disconnected from as I do them, they have become sort of monotonous, and I feel that I am just going through the motions. The fresh breath of air I felt doing Lesson 2 has faded rather fast. Lesson 3, I never really connected with and just did it, soldiering through the colors. Not to say I did not learn anything, and the 3rd lesson did challenge me in ways I havent been challenged in a while. It is just, I never really ‘felt’ the Lesson, I don’t think. Maybe I am looking too hard at things that are right in front of my nose? I am not sure if its just how I am approaching it now, but just sitting through it is starting to feel like work.

Anyway, I am going to look up tips on vibrating god names and see if I can’t do better.

I am going to give myself this week, and probably next as well, before I consider taking the first step and Initiating into the First Flame. Slow, steady, and consistent wins the race.

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So I haven’t been keeping this as updated as I would like. This is a reoccurring pattern I see. Though a lot of what I do xD I keep to myself as putting it out there before its finished will result in unneeded scrutiny and abject talk about the possibility of doing it at all.

I wasn’t sure where to post this experience, so I will just drop it in my journal to keep note of it.

Today I want to talk about the importance of shields, wards, and preemptive magic in preventing tragedy. Recent events revolving around my brother have given me a lot to think about in this regard, and a lot to be thankful for.

As a practitioner of magic you are uniquely gifted to sever, twine, and interfere with the threads of fate itself. You can bend circumstance, probability, and sheer dumb luck to your will. To a certain degree. Going deeper you can preemptively get a jump on situations ‘out of your control’ via magic, and influence all areas of your life, both within and without, circumstances that have happened, and that COULD happen -even in the lives of others-. Your power is not so finite that your world centers around you, but you can shield others as well. The future is malleable to a degree, but with enough power behind your intent, I have not proved this so I am ill to say this, but I believe with enough power one might be able to even rewrite what is ‘predestined’. Go against the will of the world itself. Against fate. IF fate or some higher will beyond the practitoners does indeed exist. This has been a puzzle I have been puzzling (lol) about for some time now: the concept of Fate in the face of magic.

However my workings point to a degree of success in this regard.

There is a very select few people in this world that I truly love and hold in high regard. I know that if anything happened to them, I would be pretty shaken. That is why I weaved together a share of shields, wards, and preemptive magic to help protect them from misfortune, and keep them on the path best suited to their desires and current needs. Since the energy I put around them works harmoniously with their ideals, it is easily integrated and accepted, and I have had little pushback from their spiritual protectors in this regard.

Yesterday, all my efforts paid off big time for my little brother. When he came to live with me about two years ago, he was in deep with drugs and other illegal activities. He had contact with not so good people keeping him from his highest self. He was constantly depressed, hopeless, and had a bleak outlook on the world itself. Slowly, he has changed. He is getting his life together, going to school, working hard on obtaining what he wants to do in life, thinking and PLANNING about the future, etc. With this growth, he realized his past acquaintances no longer served him, and their mindset and ideals about the world were not right for him. He cut off contact with that particular group of people, especially since they were not able to see or help him grow anymore.

I knew he was in deep. Deeper than I cared to imagine. So I crafted quite a few wards against guns, shootings, and ill intent directed his way via gunpoint, etc, etc. I crafted most of those with earth and fire, as the base elements, to burn away and ‘send to the earth’ those who would do him harm when he is working on bettering his life.

I know it is highly unlikely I would be able to stop a physical bullet being shot with my current power. I just have not awakened that output yet. So the best way to go about it is to steer it clear from my path or in this case my brothers path, before it even happens. There is ‘zero possibility’ that his ‘friends’ from another life would be able to do him harm by shooting him.

His ‘friend’ went on a rampage yesterday. He broke into another guys house, held him at gunpoint, was talking about shooting my brother -as apparently he was on the list to die-, but he could not find my brother no matter where he looked. At the time, my brother was in class at college.

In the end, nobody was hurt. Even the person my brothers ‘friend’ held at gunpoint. The ‘friend’ could not pull the trigger on anyone, but himself. He blew his own brains out instead of killing those who were on his list.

I like to think that when he targeted my brother, my wards activated, and the fires consumed him, and the earth laid him to rest. I won’t take credit for nobody getting hurt, but the moment he targeted one of my loved ones, he fucked up. Especially since he was going to use a gun, which I specifically warded against.

It was also amazing that he did not come here, where I live, looking for my brother. He has been here before, a long time ago, right when my bro was cutting ties with everyone. So it wasnt like he did not know where my brother lives, or where he would be at. I’d like to credit that to the strong shields I have in place around my place.

With enough foresight, preparation, and energy put into defense, I believe one can avoid most ‘avoidable’ misfortunes. If you are lax on your shields, please, put them up. Work with them. Strengthen and nurture them. You never know when they will stop a shooter, a break in, a deer jumping out at you in the road, etc.

I place protection around most things from my car to my condo to the people I take care of, and every time they have come in handy and every so often I am reminded to be thankful for my preparations. Just like yesterday. I have more stories like that, but they are mostly surrounding my car xD


So my working paid off better than expected.

My mother told me I don’t have to worry about the money she lent me (a sizable amount). If you knew her, this is highly uncharacteristic of her. I thought the binding would get her to stop asking me for more and more money, but instead, it made her to come to realization that I dont need to pay her back?

Or maybe the guilt of banking our (my siblings) college funds (from our aunt -RIP-) into her retirement finally got to her.

Either way, I am free from that burden. I can move onto fixing other things with magic now.


To those doubting the potency of their magic and the abilities of own divine godhood, I have yet another instant manifestation to put forth.


I did not want this new employee to stick around. Put forth that he WILL walk out. Was off yesterday. Dreading to work today because I have to train this POS. Well he did not walk out yesterday, but today, on my shift, he walked out. WIN.

Long Story-

Our company thought it would be a good idea to hire a Hobo. A legitimate hobo, right off the street. Been a hobo for 20 years, or so he bragged. This guy was in his late 40’s, working a minimum wage job. Right now I am training 3 other people, along with The Hobo. This guy is the only one that has a chip on his shoulder about the actual work. Its not the work itself, but it is being told what to do. He doesnt like taking direction or being told what to do. He gets defensive. The thing is, I have no problem hanging back, but you have to follow procedure and do things right. When you constantly fuck the process up, I am going to correct you. That is my job.

Every shift I had with him was bad. I didn’t want him there, and observing him, I got the idea of using his own energy against him -that defensive pride and bad attitude, general negativity- and reflect it right back at him. I have zero patience for that being directed at me. The thing is, I try to communicate and be open, but it was just grating.

So I collected his negativity, and kept it with me, holding it in a sphere. I would charge it with the idea of wanting to quit, raging and walking out, the thoughts such as ‘I am going to walk out’ ‘I am only making minimum wage; this is not worth it’ and other such parameters. Then at the end of the day I would shoot it back at him, and let the energy build and build around him.

Seeds are planted.

That means, he will be easier to manipulate when I got home.

Thursday, I meditated and Willed him to walk out of the job. I really did not want to see him Friday, so I bombarded the fuck out him with energy. I thought for sure he would have walked out.

Come Friday, he comes in to my dismay. Doesnt follow directions. Does what he wants, and things are out of order. I try to correct the behavior, but he keeps on being more and more defensive about being told what to do. I dont know how many times I heard ‘I am an adult’ from his lips. Yeah, and I am just a fucking college student, get over yourself.

Things escalated when I asked him not to put dirty stuff (that was on the floor) on our clean cutting surface. That is where we work with the dough, and we don’t need floor germs or dirt in our dough! He flew off the handle there, and started talking about how he doesnt need to be told what to do, or how things are done, etc. It was really dumb. I took all that energy and reflected it back at him, cutting him off this time when he started to talk and was like “Look, you need to listen to me. This is how we do things here, and this what the process is and how it will always be. I need you to do your job. I don’t want to argue about this.”

Yeah, that went over well. By then the General Manager came xD and was listening to what I was telling him, and when he started yelling at me again, she cut in and handled the situation.

So for telling him what to do, when he is in training and doesnt know what he is doing, I am micromanaging and we just throw people to the wolves here… Yeah, when you dont listen you wont know what to do.

Anyway, the whole time I am manipulating his energy, projecting ‘quit’ so loudly in my head, and picturing him walking off. I really wanted him to just walk out. It ended up, he walked out, but also I made sure he was officially ‘fired’ so that he can’t and won’t be back here. Done with that shit. He did not even make it two weeks.

When I started to really focus on him walking out, was Wednesday and Thursday when I got home.

So yeah, playing with peoples energy fields, implanting suggestions, and willing things to happen works.

I also got a 100% tip today after I was like ‘I need more money/dont get paid enough to deal with this shit’. So win-win for me.

I can manifest things on my own, with my own power. My magic gets physical results!


-Dream Post-

I told myself I will be trying to record my dreams more often, so I am going to start publishing some of them that I can bother to type up here. Comments are welcome, but not expected -like every post here-. Mostly for self reference.

This dream happened tonight, and it shared the same location of other dreams I have had before, with people who seem familiar but distant. Its like they are family, but I dont know them. I do share a love for them though, as is seen in my actions throughout the dream(s). Like one time the house was going to be destroyed by a tornado, two tornadoes actually, and I ran through it herding all the animals and finding all the occupants to the basement. I was frantically looking for a “Meghan” -who just by dream logic I knew had disabilities and would have trouble making it to the basement in time, so I was going to get her specifically, while telling my brothers to get down with the dogs asap-. My dreams about this place are weirdly detailed in ways like that.

It all takes place in a quite large, old estate-like house. Complete with fading paint, but the glorious history that hints of life, of adventure and the stories the place could tell, warmed its halls better than the fireplaces spotted throughout. Its not so rundown that it is in disrepair, it is just too big for me to take care of myself. So there is evidence of care -like the garden in the front of the house and the hanging plants on the wrap-around porch- it is just there is a lot to be done to the place for it to be pristine. Like the floors could be buffered and polished again, some of the spokes in the railing need replaced, the outside could use a fresh coat of paint. Stuff like that.

The dream begins with a single command in sheer darkness:


The word resonated through me and I knew that I needed to be gathering energy to further establish the base as I am close to fusion -the point where the mass of chi reaches a critical state and its a do or die in which yin and yang combine and one becomes whole, but not quite ‘immortal’ yet-.


The shadows stir around me as I am in sheer darkness. They caress my form and poke and tease at me. Then I hear my name being called, louder and louder, more frantic. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I ‘wake up’ -in the dream- in my room in the manor. One of my brothers is shaking my shoulder telling me that I need to get up, that an intruder in the house, and that he stole a book! He also saw this person shapeshift, he can turn into a rat and sneak around, and he has the book.

I am still groggy from being woken up, but I leap out of bed intent on confronting whoever it was that was in MY house. I ask my brother what book he saw him take, and it takes him a minute to remember. I go down the halls, flicking the lights on as I go, but when I reach the library, the lights wont turn on. Then my brother remembers the book. He tells me that the rat stole the "Book of Masters" your book of Masters!

I felt a chill run through me when I was told the Book of Masters was taken, and I felt an urgent need to get it back. I try the lights again, but they wont turn on for the library, so I take a step into the darkness, but before I get too far past the library door my brother hugs me around the middle. He is small, like 8 or 9 in my dream, and I see him crying telling me not to go. Its not worth it. The rat is dangerous if he can touch the Book of Masters.

I am stopped by this, and I pat him on the head and smile down. I tell him not to worry, and ask him to go to hang out with the dog. Go pet Chrono -the oversized dog that is the size of a small pony-. So he runs off, intent to do so.

I don’t go any further into the library but announce that I would like the book back, and that I know the thief is there. I step out into the hallway, and the lights go out there too. I am in darkness, and I hear skittering. I feel scared, but I swallow my heart and turn to face it. I knew that I had to get my book back, and that I couldn’t let it be taken from me…

And that is how the dream ends. XD I am cultivating power in the dream -at a critical point- as well, and have sense that I need to get the Book of Masters back at any cost.

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tl;dr- Mom is in the hospital, her heart is giving out. I think I caused it. I don’t know how I feel about it.

When I started on this path I did not think that power would be such a burden. I feel a lot of conflict in how I should use my abilities. I don’t want to hurt people, but sometimes things just happen. Ill say something to them, and then it will happen, just like in the fucking movies. For example, in my teenage years when I was just discovering this power of manifestation, my mom had a boyfriend who I fucking hated. I told him to ‘watch out for the deer on the second red light or you might get hurt.’ He laughed at me, and then drove off for the night. Turns out, he crashed his car, swerving to avoid a deer that jumped out of him past the second light out of town. I just chose the number out of my ass xD I was just trying to freak him out.

A more recent example was my co-worker was going to a concert. Then it popped into my head that the concert was going to be cancelled, so I told him ‘Sorry about your concert. Its cancelled.’ And he looked at my like I was crazy, said ‘no its not’ and then proceeded to drive all the way there. Well, right before the show was about to start, the band had to cancel because the singer could not sing because of a cold.

Then yesterday, I was lunch with my mom. We don’t have the best relationship, and I am trying to work on it. She was feeling so much better and actually had energy, but she told me she needs to start working on her blood pressure else she is liable to have a heart attack. I sarcastically said, “It’d be a shame if you had a heart attack now. Things are just starting to look up for you.” Though when I said it, I felt the words settle in the air, and there was a silence . I laughed it off, but felt a shift in the energy afterwards. I did nothing about it.

So tonight, I get a call that my mom is in the hospital, even after she seemed to be doing 100% better than before. Is her heart.

I am unsure how to feel about this.

There have been many, many times where I have wanted her dead and gone. Life would be so much easier without her pestering or destroying everything I try to build. How she is left my sister to fend for herself in a house that she can’t take care of, etc. If mom was gone, we could work to get my sister the help she needs (as she is retarded and needs a caretaker) not just abandoned good luck. There are a million things that would be resolved with her gone.

On the other hand, she is my mom. You know, its stupid, but I do still love her. I just wish she did not make everything so dramatic. That she chose not to be so selfish all the time, because she does not see who it hurts. She constantly fucks people over, and wormed every dime she could get out of the divorce, etc. There is a lot of just selfishness that is hard to ignore, a lot of mind games, a lot of twisting of words and reality, a lot of mental abuse that I had to rise out of.

I just did not expect the manifestation to be so sudden, and with such force that it could knock her down even though she was on an uptrend. I felt the energy building, and I did nothing about it. I just have a lot to process.


That must be hard to deal with, I’m sorry.



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