Nobody should be trying to tell you this, imo, though they could divine what’s going on to get more info, conscious analysis without knowing you very well is not likely to be meaningful.
Many accomplished Tarot readers don’t give readings free, but I moved this to the Divination section in case anyone wanting practice sees this.
To give my two cents, and probably as an example of why you can’t trust other people’s UPG - it sounds like you’re nervous and conflicted about using magick and have mommy issues.
Trust your own inner knowing about this, and if it takes some time to come to you, that’s ok - write all this down in a dream journal to reread later.