Oh wanna hear something cool?
So… my mother (who was a born again christian lady) had some troubles with a client… you know… the normal beef sometimes you’ve with a client in a business that deals with people. Well… the lady was a witch… in her yearly 20’s maybe… so she cursed my mom. Which i understand… you do what you’ve to do to deal with how you’re feeling…
So… Maybe out of desperation of not seeing my mom suffer fast enough she kept cursing and cursing… till one day ending up cursing my teenage self… Since she apparently couldn’t kill my mom or ruin her business to the ground (and she tried) it at some point had hit me… whatever if it was intentional or just the path of least resistance… i went through almost 15 years of suicidal thoughts and depression to the point where sometimes (at the worst of it) i didn’t even want to shower or to eat or to even leave the bed… i just wanted to stay in a dark room and cry from the moment i woke up to the moment i felt asleep again… I left school, I spent 2 YEARS without talking… i lost all my friends over time…
I had a knife to my wrists or to my neck so many times… and every time i kept thinking of the suffering i’d cause my mom… and my grandmother… and (because i was raised a catholic) the thought i had planted in me, the idea that if i killed myself i’d end up in hell where the suffering wouldnt end… but just increase and be for ever… would kick in and stop m. That’s what i was taught about suicide (for some reason), that only GAWD have the right to decide when you die… and if you kill yourself you’re SINNING against the will and right of GAWD to decide…
So in a very twisted way… it kept me alive (empathy, guilty… and fear… kept me alive) … suffering constantly yes… but alive.
After like 5~6 years or so of her cursing my mom… my mom eventually developed cancer… it spreaded extremely fast and my mom died withing 15 days after the diagnostic. A horrible looking death that haunted me for years.
So yes… i’ve made peace with the fact that people… will do what they do.
…what they feel like doing.
It was an important lesson if nothing else. Our morals… rights and wrongs… they dont mean much… They might mean the world to us… but they dont mean anything to someone else… and they definitely wont stop someone else of trying to hurt you. Those who have power will eventually step on the neck of those who have not… It seems to be the sad reality of this place. I completely understand why spiritualists would get to the conclusion that THIS PLACE… this earth of us… is hell. And the cycle of reincarnation as the “atonement” for the wrongs we have done… that you’ve to keep coming “to hell” until you “balance the scales”… until you “pay your bill”. Regardless of what i think of that, i can see why so many people believe that to be true.
Well… i’m awake now. A rude awakening at that… But no one is stepping on my neck again.