When I was cheated by my boyfriend of three years and he cheated, how should I retaliate?

Is this a Chinese book you’re using

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thank you

This is the book I have. It is in English, but I think you should be able to find a Chinese book that translates the classical Chinese into modern Chinese.

Best of luck!

I only want to say, it’s important to take responsibility for your own happiness and emotional / mental wellbeing. I would also say some of this is down to unhealthy social conditioning. I don’t think retaliation is key, but forgiveness is, and you can only do that when you understand why you can’t let go. Seems you may need to do some healing and deconditioning for yourself. Reconnect with who you really are.

Why would you even forgive something like that?

Op, you could try this to make him feel like shit.

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Because if you hold onto grudges, it will eventually eat away inside. Forgive for your own sake. Nor theirs. Forgiving is letting go and moving on. It doesn’t mean you condone what they did, but it does mean dropping the story, and not allowing it to control you mentally and emotionally. Forgiving often requires healing yourself.


Im all for the healing part but forgiving such an act is, in my eyes, the most unnatural thing one can do.

This makes it seem like forgiving is the only way to let go though and from personal experience I can say that cursing someone for what they did to you will also lessen your grip on the subject.

So I guess we can agree on the ‘let it go’ part, although we seem to arrive there with different strategies.
Though it is still beyond me why one would even wants to chose the route of forgiveness, instead of cursing, in such a case.

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The only thing you truly own is yourself, and even that is temporary. Here is an analogy. If you foster a dog or possibly looking to adopt, you feed the dog, you give it love and kindness and then one day it attacks you and bites you, causing severe damage. What would you do?

Make excuses as to why it hurt you? Blame yourself? Forgive it and continue to love it? Take it to the dog pound? Kill it? Maybe drop it off in the woods? Will your choice be influenced by what is socially acceptable? The label of animal cruelty staining your reputation.

Or you go public and vent your frustration. Or you can choose to keep silent and act on a solution of your own WILL. Whatever you choose, if it’s a choice of action, make sure you are neither seen nor heard, but felt.

I didn’t say cursing wasn’t the way forward. I curse in order to let go and forgive. Cursing is great, as long as it leads to forgiveness.

I agree cursing is one way to achieve this.

Cursing can be a part of the healing process.

That said, taking personal responsibility for your beliefs and worldview is also important.

I personally don’t believe in the whole “cheating” thing. I feel, personally, it’s very unhealthy. That said, I do realise that’s probably not a popular view. But I used to get very jealous when I was younger, and it ruined a couple of important relationships, and it contributed to my misery. I ended up changing my views on the topic, and I’ve not looked back since.

Reads different to me.

But it seems like we are more on the same page than I initially thought.

Sounds like an interesting take (with which I may not agree :stuck_out_tongue: ). Could you explain this a bit more in depth? Im curious.
Maybe in DMs in case we are derailing too much.

A I remember There is somewhere on forum topic where woman describe her retaliation on her cheating man, sorry but i don’t remember a title- she did put a curse on him that he became impotent for every other woman, in exception of her, but she also refused to have sex with him after that too.

Before I clarify myself, I also want to say that when I read the OP’s post, I picked up on her conditioning. That’s also a reason why I said, perhaps retaliation isn’t the way forward. It really isn’t for the reason I’ve already covered. To break out of this, someone has to be the bigger and wiser guy, throw the towel in, and say, “I’m done, you win this argument, but I have better things to do with my time and energy. See ya!” So, is the OP going to be that person? Is the OP going to be the person who does the shadow or inner work, the healing, instead of retaliating? (Life’s too short - I really recommend stepping out of the sandpit and doing the real work. :wink: ) This is what it means to truly respect and serve yourself in situations like this.

Well, let me clarify. Retaliation isn’t key because it’s not the most important thing in a situation like this. Bearing in mind, that retaliation isn’t even the way forward into forgiveness, simply because to retaliate means you basically hit back, and this really indicates that there’s something to be healed. It’s coming from a place of pain and suffering, which the OP may or may not be aware of. If the OP isn’t aware, then the OP is unconscious, that that really needs to be brought into the light to be dealt with - if the OP chooses to do that. If you’re not healing yourself, doing the shadow work, then you’re just stagnating, spiralling into a cycle of misery. There are other ways that work better. I’ve said that I curse as well, ya know, you’re not the only one who would curse your way into forgiveness. But that isn’t retaliation - that’s revenge. And we really need to be talking about the role of revenge here within the process of healing and forgiveness. When you’re healed, you truly have forgiven because what hurt you no longer hurts you.

The difference between revenge and retaliation is pretty clear. True revenge, when taken at the right time for the right reasons can absolutely be a key part of healing and releasing yourself from a toxic person or situation. Retaliating - you may as well be in the playground at primary school, bickering, tit-for-tat nonsense. :wink: It leads to nowhere good, and ime, it only makes you ugly on the inside down the line.

I’m not above taking revenge if that’s truly what feels relieving and is what allows me, or in this case, the OP, to truly move forward emotionally and mentally. But, here’s the thing hardly anyone remembers: it’s useless if you’re doing it out of habit and it doesn’t allow you to move forward mentally and emotionally. Instead, you’re left with the shallow feeling of, “I’ve made myself right, and the other party wrong, and I really took a dump on them in the process so that they learn their lesson.” In most cases, ime, this only leaves a very short-lived sense of satisfaction, but in the long run, you’re not truly free or healed. In other words, being right is more important than being happy. So what do you do then? You’ve just harmed someone for nothing in cases like that. I’ve dealt with people who harmed me because of their petty ego, and I’ve done it too. It never leads to anything good, and eventually, it just turns into a cycle of misery.

That’s why (and I’ll use myself and my experience as an example) I take the time to stop, heal, and if at some point during the healing process, cursing or taking vengeful action feels truly relieving, then that’s what I’ll do. If not, then I find another way.

I had to learn this this past year after my death in the lake of fire. Before that, I was very much in the habit of retaliating and taking revenge, and I was very addicted to needing to be right more than I needed to be happy, simply because I wasn’t used to thinking in a different way, and like, it was the “done thing”. But much of the time, it didn’t allow me to move forward into forgiveness, and I remained stuck in hatred and trying to take revenge, it became an addiction, and it turned into a miserable pattern which left me even more traumatised. I learned the hard way to stop, take stock of what I’m actually thinking and feeling, the core reasons behind it, take personal responsibility for what came from me, and do the healing/inner/shadow work.

I am still learning to accept what is (that is, not to argue with the current reality) knowing full well that I can create what I want to create, and to basically remind myself that it’s more important to be happy than it is to be right, that I’m still worthy when I “lose” an argument or a battle. I have to be very self aware and have some self respect in terms of, am I going to hold onto this, or am I going to release myself from it? And the answer, in the end, is always, I’m going to release myself from it. Ime, true forgiveness means you have released yourself, so that the ones who harmed you do not live in your head, rent free or otherwise, what harmed you no longer affects you, even if you were to bring it up in your mind - and you aren’t at odds with yourself because you have handled the situation in a self-respecting manner. It’s tough and painful, and this is actually something I’m still working through myself, but it’s worth it. And like I’ve said, revenge (not retaliation) can absolutely be a part of the healing and forgiving process for the reasons stated. But, hopefully by now, you’ll understand better why I said that forgiveness is key, not retaliation.

There are many things I could say about it, but ultimately, it’s a form of enslavement in my book. I died in the lake of fire last year and I’m still working through Belial’s Gatekeeper pathworking, which is tough btw, and has been a complete misery because of what he brings up for me to deal with, but during this process, I am becoming like him, one without a master. I could not possibly be in a stable, healthy, and happy relationship with someone when they disrespect me by putting a leash on me, enslaving me to rules that I will never agree to abide by. :wink: No one owns me, my body, my thoughts and emotions, etc. And you might think that I’ll end up alone because no-one in your world thinks that way, you might be right. No-one in your world thinks that way, not that I knew of. But you can only approach Belial’s Black Gate and become it when you’re basically a pariah. I’m fully aware that on the other side of it, that in my world, there are plenty of people who do think and feel the way I do, and they have successful relationships too.

When a partner respects my personal freedom, my right to have sex with who I want to have sex with, to feel what I truly feel for anyone, they get a lot further with me, they get the best part of me. If they didn’t, they’d only end up without me, feeling and behaving like a powerless victim, who would probably “retaliate” and end up worse off as a result because I don’t take any crap. That’s the truth of me. :slight_smile:

But, back in 2007 when I was still unconscious, this is when I started to do the work on myself, to turn myself around, to raise myself up from the dead, I realised just how miserable my beliefs about “cheating” and my jealousy made me, and that I was being tossed aside by those who I professed to love, because they knew themselves better than than to allow me to enslave them with my rules. I also understood intuitively that it boiled down to my own insecurities and pettiness. I stepped up to the plate then and took responsibility for my own internal BS. It took me 17 years but that deeply unconscious and wounded person is basically dead. :wink:

I can only really share from personal experience, so take what resonates with you and leave the rest. :slight_smile:


Wow, didnt expect such a throughout reply.
So I think one point of contention is the definitions of retaliation and revenge. When you wrote

I was assuming you equivalate revenge and retaliation. After all retaliation is one form of revenge.
It seems like you differentiate between the two more than I do but tbh I dont really get what the seperation for you is.

The only thing I can gather from this is that you seem to think that revenge can be positive while retaliation is something kids do. Again I dont understand this because several online dictionaries define retaliation as the act of taking revenge.

But I think the above isnt really that important to the essence of our discussion. After all the words are just used to clad the ideas, thoughts and experiences we try to share.

I want to make one last critique about what you wrote before I focus on what I believe we have in common in our views (which I actually think is a lot).
That critique would be that everything you said between the 2 times you quoted me could also be said about forgiveness. What I mean is that forgiveness out of habit, the ‘good willed, socially acceptable’ forgiveness that one has to engage in because societal norms dont permit another outlet of frustration and anger, is just as damaging as the retaliation out of habit that you are talking about. It´s the opposite of healing: its suppresion. “Ahh Ive forgiven them, how could I still be mad about it? Nono, surely Im not mad anymore”.
I do realize that when you are talking about forgiveness you mean working through the bad, hurtful shit that happened and than enacting ‘true’ forgiveness, not the fake one I mentioned above. I agree fully that this sort of forgiveness is indeed very healing; I just wanted to mention that, just like blind retaliation, blind forgiveness can be incredibly damaging.

Now for a little synopsis. I believe we are actually very close when it comes to our opinions on the subject. In fact I dont like the look that I critiqued so much and will probably only write a little bit about how we agree, but the matter of the fact is that I agree with mostly everything you wrote here so there isnt much to say about it.
One thing I found interesting is when you wrote the habit of retaliating and learning from it and moving on. I found it interesting because I think we might be approaching the topic from 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. Forgive me in case Im mischaracterizing you but it sounds like you were used to retaliating, I on the other hand am used to the fake forgiveness I mentioned above. I seldomly took revenge.
Maybe that makes it appear on the surface that we stand at opposite ends of the spectrum when in reality we share similar (but opposite) experiences that lead us towards the middle.

All in all it sounds like you contemplated this a lot, I respect that and Ive done the same.
Again I agree with a lot that youve said in the last whole part of your post but with the logic quoted above I have one quarrel.
Namely that it seems one-sided to me, let me explain why. The freedom of expressing love, sexual attractionand lust seems to be honored in polyamourus circles. Fine and dandy, I like that.
However on the flip side the freedom of expressing anger, jealousy and hatred seems to be denied.
The leash is off in terms of expressing the positive emotiones, however when it comes to the negative ones the leash seems to be tighter than ever.

Now I know that the above might be an extreme statement and some people might be more balanced than that, but it is a trend Ive noticed and I think extremes are a good starting point for a debate.

Finally, thank you for your throughout reply. I wasnt expecting us to have similar views in the end on revenge/forgiveness but as it stands now Im fairly certain we do.

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Thank you. I’ve adjusted my mood and traveled. Although I can’t curse his death, I think I should give him a little punishment and educate him :joy:

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Yes, I went to travel and released my negative emotions to nature! Figured out a lot of things! I want to educate him now :joy:

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you are so good :+1:, But my magic skills are not as deep as you! envy

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I seem to have seen it there. I’ll look for it. Thank you for reminding me

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My opinion:

If your life is in danger, call police on the person.

If your life is not in danger, drop the significant other and find a new one in a separate state.

Otherwise, you just want revenge or cursing.

The entire reason I gave up on relationships forever a couple of months back.

I didn’t want to curse him too much in the past. I just wanted to give him a little punishment and education