When do you stop thinking you're crazy?

Where to start?

For a long time, I’ve been an armchair magician, reading and studying the occult. At some point, possibly after reading about Chaos Magick, I started dabbling. I drew a few sigils here and there over the years, and got results so on point, that it concerned me that this could lead to an addiction. I still think of myself as more arm-chair than a dabbler, but I’m probably more the latter than the former.
While I’m gay or at least homo-romantic, I had a series of experiances just before the pandemic with my female tag-along friend that had me questioning my sexuality. We had a falling out two months before lock-down, and it had been bothering me on a level that I didn’t think would concern me. I’d been with more dudes than I could ever count, but those heated nights with her, awoke something inside of me that I didn’t know was there, and couldn’t “sort out” due to lock down and recently moving to a new town and not knowing anyone. I’ve had obsessive and toxic obsessive thoughts/feelings before, but this felt soo different. Like, an itch I can never scratch, and definitely never scratch and have my friends find out.

On 11/2, I was heading to bed, kinda horny and very much drunk. I looked at my alter (Satan/Lucifer), and said out loud “Lilith, I’d like to experience a succubus. A one time ordeal, and as long as it is consensual”.
Well, without going into TMI, I had a bottle of poppers near my bed and “had some personal alone time”, something I’ve done on rare occasions. But this time, I could feel like there was someone sitting on me, riding me. I came harder than ever before in my whole life.
I wasn’t sure if it was something related to substances, so a few days later I was headed to bed, and looked at my altar and asked if the entity I experienced a few nights before, would revisit me, if they wanted. Sure enough, it was an almost repeat of the experience. I asked out loud if this entity had a name or sigil, but as much as I tried to focus and quit my mind, I heard and saw nothing. As I said, I’ve dabbled here in there with sigils, but never really developed astral senses or psychic skills.
A few days after the second experience, I started asking myself if it was real, or just my imagination, or substance induced. So the third ‘go”, I again felt like someone was in bed with me and working together for a mutual climax, and again, asked for a name or a sigil. As I closed my eyes, I started seeing a series of white lines. It was a V shape, with a semi circle above it. I quickly drew what I saw in a notebook I keep by the bed for recording dreams. I layed back down, and started asking questions out loud, asking for a name, what their motivation was, where they came from, /etc. I didn’t see or hear anything, but then I asked if they could give me a “no” response. I felt nothing. Then I asked for a “yes” response, and it felt like icy fingers reaching into either side of my chest and tickling me in an upward fashion. I don’t have a record of the line of questions, but the only one I I had was that this entity considered it’s self non-binary. The “yes” sensation was consistent, from a series of tests to confirm that I wasn’t just imagining things; I would repeat questions to confirm it wasn’t me or a draft.
I used the sigil I felt I was given again a few times over the next week or so, and started getting more information, including a few additional lines of the sigil, a name, and that they were“never human” and between 400-500 years old. When I asked about their origins, I only got images of people having sex, definitely a human female, but the male seemed to be, “other worldly”.
Over the next week, I experienced them again and again. I built a space for them on my altar (it’s a large structure with shelves, and I dedicated one to them, placing an amethyst and two pieces of tektite next to a drawn sigil and a red candle with the full sigil inscribed). I’d wake up around 3 or 4 am, harder than when I was 16, ready to go again - which, at my age, considering what I did a few hours before, was a very welcomed feeling. While I couldn’t get much past the “yes/no”, I would occasionally get images in my mind in response to my questions. I saw the ocean several times (and even in dreams), and feminine fingers playing a piano when asked about their hobbies. One time there was a place that was red like flesh, with a river of seamen, and another river of vaginal fluids, and two figures standing by the shores -I took this to be their homeland, and wanted to stay there with my friend.

A few nights ago, I reached out to them again, and while I could feel their “yes” reply, I couldn’t feel the usual… Er… sexual connection. My phone was on my bed, and suddenly it started playing Irish rover by some band I didn’t have on a playlist, nor had pulled up before. It reminded me that once or twice during our encounters, I had specific Irish folk tunes playing in my head, just before they would arrive. My dream note book mentioned “feeling regret, writing ‘… official’ written in the notebook”. I started wondering if a pact was needed/wanted, if my “one time only” bit had played itself out.

Last night, I reached out again, and the only thing I could remember was that they would contact me “in their own due time”.

Part of me wonders if I’m crazy, if drinking and feeling lustful thoughts and not having a way to exercise them is playing tricks on my brain; or if there is some sort of unverified personal gnosis going on. Another part of me is questioning the substances involved, though there were some deeply personal synchronicities that I can’t go too deep into (well, I was questioning the poppers one day, and a roommate randomly knocked on my door and gave me a bottle out of the blue just as i was thinking “I’m crazy and it’s just booze/poppers”).
I’m curious, if anyone has had experiences like this, where an entity of some sort slowly reveals itself, and leaves,and returns - why would they leave, and what was it like if they came back? I used the search feature here on Succubuses and did see others experiencing a ‘tapering down’ of activity, yet I have the gut feeling they will return at some point. At what point do you stop thinking you’re crazy, or confirm if you are onto something (or truly crazy? And then, how far down the rabbit hole do you go before you get stuck in an endless loop leading nowhere?)

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The Magick is always there. Just be sure to tell any Imposters or other spirits that may come through to leave when you’re done. You’re not crazy. Probably XD

They’ve got stuff to do tbh. Also it’s sometimes for your own well being. Usually we pick up right where we started (very rarely sexually in my case). But yeah it might be because they’re busy.

Divination might help or better yet what does your heart and gut say??

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You may be interested in the book Adventures in Sex Magick. I do this sort of thing as well, and I suggest also making intentional “practical magick” manifestation part of your “process.”

Way back in the day when I was in my early days of working with Goetia I kind of just put it out there that I was interested in having a succubus experience. Not too long after I was getting up from the toilet in my apartment and I then felt a spirit come into presence and a very strong feminine sexual energy. This was accompanied by a tactile energetic sensation on my penis, and all of this combined got me very aroused. After this was some confused hip movements and surprisingly pleasurable sensations, but it was all just a bit too weird and I just took a shit so I washed my hands and went about my day.

This is all quite a wonderful experience once you get over feeling like a wackjob and just enjoy yourself. If you want to justify it to yourself you can tell yourself that you actually care about your sex life and want to ensure that you fuck yourself good, but I think you’ve seen for yourself how magickal the experience is. If you do this three times a day it can become somewhat ordinary feeling, but not really, really.

Even if you don’t use the Enochian sigil provided in the above book, I still recommend it for learning sex magick. The sigil does connect you to Enochian sexual power, but this power is not restricted to any one person or spirit so you could probably use this with your spirit lover you have built a relationship with. Or you could just use the manifestation and orgasm magick processes, which are in and of themselves quite effective. I’d also check out The Masterworks of Chaos Magick for some additional ideas. I personally word my sigils as questions, so like “How did I come to be so wonderfully skilled at sex magick?” would be a magickal request I make into a sigil which I feed with sexual energy.

In case you are curious, in my experience these sigils manifest with a very pleasant energy that starts to permeate your life. Experiencing intense pleasure and perhaps love, affection, power, support, and comfort three times a day certainly doesn’t hurt either, but the events, situations, people, mental states, dreams, all that stuff which arise from the sigils should also speak for themselves.

I have strange things happening in my head all the time these days, and at some point I gave up caring about my sanity and just saw what happened. Being pretty reasonably good at practical magick makes life go more smoothly, so a little cookiness can’t really stop the onslaught of magick power that can be raised with sex magick.

It’s pretty easy to get caught up in the spiritual experiences and this is what you tend to hear about, but what you don’t always hear about is just how fucking powerful sex magick can be. I practice other ritual methods, but I could do with just sex magick just fine. The sigils are incredibly versatile while retaining specificity. They can be used for very concrete, tangible manifestations, and also for more abstract things, like a sense of power, freedom, or control permeating through your life and your mental experience. They are also excellent for ‘learning’ magick, probably the best I’ve come across. Other methods have all taught me much, but for literally learning something like an artform or logical system, these sigils are in my current opinion the most effective ritual magick method for doing so. It does require some know-how from you when it comes to how to approach learning a subject, but the Enochian sigil connects you to an intelligence far beyond any mortal mind.

Also, just to be clear, I do not physically engage in sexual activity three times per day. There may be some rubbing and rolling around, even if just for 15 minutes, but no physical orgasm or intense physical stimulation. You can experience any sort of sexual pleasure energetically, including orgasms. I usually don’t think about sigils during these times and just enjoy the experience, but the sexual energy is no less potent. A little physical movement or positioning can help, but the imagination is where the experience is had.

So I guess what I’m saying is happy fucking

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go as far as you can it’s test from the gods
I had dreams of what I fear most to reborn to knew take it as test from what some call hell

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I never really thought I was crazy. I fully expected others to judge me as crazy if I told them what I really think, and that just gets more so the more experience you get. :joy:

I say, as long as you’re high functioning and keep your life together, you don’t count as crazy.

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This is something I always find odd. Why do some spirit tend to go “yes, she/he is doing the potty. Better squish myself in now”.

Bit out off topic I know. But the thought hit me and I wanted to share.

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