Where to start?
For a long time, I’ve been an armchair magician, reading and studying the occult. At some point, possibly after reading about Chaos Magick, I started dabbling. I drew a few sigils here and there over the years, and got results so on point, that it concerned me that this could lead to an addiction. I still think of myself as more arm-chair than a dabbler, but I’m probably more the latter than the former.
While I’m gay or at least homo-romantic, I had a series of experiances just before the pandemic with my female tag-along friend that had me questioning my sexuality. We had a falling out two months before lock-down, and it had been bothering me on a level that I didn’t think would concern me. I’d been with more dudes than I could ever count, but those heated nights with her, awoke something inside of me that I didn’t know was there, and couldn’t “sort out” due to lock down and recently moving to a new town and not knowing anyone. I’ve had obsessive and toxic obsessive thoughts/feelings before, but this felt soo different. Like, an itch I can never scratch, and definitely never scratch and have my friends find out.
On 11/2, I was heading to bed, kinda horny and very much drunk. I looked at my alter (Satan/Lucifer), and said out loud “Lilith, I’d like to experience a succubus. A one time ordeal, and as long as it is consensual”.
Well, without going into TMI, I had a bottle of poppers near my bed and “had some personal alone time”, something I’ve done on rare occasions. But this time, I could feel like there was someone sitting on me, riding me. I came harder than ever before in my whole life.
I wasn’t sure if it was something related to substances, so a few days later I was headed to bed, and looked at my altar and asked if the entity I experienced a few nights before, would revisit me, if they wanted. Sure enough, it was an almost repeat of the experience. I asked out loud if this entity had a name or sigil, but as much as I tried to focus and quit my mind, I heard and saw nothing. As I said, I’ve dabbled here in there with sigils, but never really developed astral senses or psychic skills.
A few days after the second experience, I started asking myself if it was real, or just my imagination, or substance induced. So the third ‘go”, I again felt like someone was in bed with me and working together for a mutual climax, and again, asked for a name or a sigil. As I closed my eyes, I started seeing a series of white lines. It was a V shape, with a semi circle above it. I quickly drew what I saw in a notebook I keep by the bed for recording dreams. I layed back down, and started asking questions out loud, asking for a name, what their motivation was, where they came from, /etc. I didn’t see or hear anything, but then I asked if they could give me a “no” response. I felt nothing. Then I asked for a “yes” response, and it felt like icy fingers reaching into either side of my chest and tickling me in an upward fashion. I don’t have a record of the line of questions, but the only one I I had was that this entity considered it’s self non-binary. The “yes” sensation was consistent, from a series of tests to confirm that I wasn’t just imagining things; I would repeat questions to confirm it wasn’t me or a draft.
I used the sigil I felt I was given again a few times over the next week or so, and started getting more information, including a few additional lines of the sigil, a name, and that they were“never human” and between 400-500 years old. When I asked about their origins, I only got images of people having sex, definitely a human female, but the male seemed to be, “other worldly”.
Over the next week, I experienced them again and again. I built a space for them on my altar (it’s a large structure with shelves, and I dedicated one to them, placing an amethyst and two pieces of tektite next to a drawn sigil and a red candle with the full sigil inscribed). I’d wake up around 3 or 4 am, harder than when I was 16, ready to go again - which, at my age, considering what I did a few hours before, was a very welcomed feeling. While I couldn’t get much past the “yes/no”, I would occasionally get images in my mind in response to my questions. I saw the ocean several times (and even in dreams), and feminine fingers playing a piano when asked about their hobbies. One time there was a place that was red like flesh, with a river of seamen, and another river of vaginal fluids, and two figures standing by the shores -I took this to be their homeland, and wanted to stay there with my friend.
A few nights ago, I reached out to them again, and while I could feel their “yes” reply, I couldn’t feel the usual… Er… sexual connection. My phone was on my bed, and suddenly it started playing Irish rover by some band I didn’t have on a playlist, nor had pulled up before. It reminded me that once or twice during our encounters, I had specific Irish folk tunes playing in my head, just before they would arrive. My dream note book mentioned “feeling regret, writing ‘… official’ written in the notebook”. I started wondering if a pact was needed/wanted, if my “one time only” bit had played itself out.
Last night, I reached out again, and the only thing I could remember was that they would contact me “in their own due time”.
Part of me wonders if I’m crazy, if drinking and feeling lustful thoughts and not having a way to exercise them is playing tricks on my brain; or if there is some sort of unverified personal gnosis going on. Another part of me is questioning the substances involved, though there were some deeply personal synchronicities that I can’t go too deep into (well, I was questioning the poppers one day, and a roommate randomly knocked on my door and gave me a bottle out of the blue just as i was thinking “I’m crazy and it’s just booze/poppers”).
I’m curious, if anyone has had experiences like this, where an entity of some sort slowly reveals itself, and leaves,and returns - why would they leave, and what was it like if they came back? I used the search feature here on Succubuses and did see others experiencing a ‘tapering down’ of activity, yet I have the gut feeling they will return at some point. At what point do you stop thinking you’re crazy, or confirm if you are onto something (or truly crazy? And then, how far down the rabbit hole do you go before you get stuck in an endless loop leading nowhere?)
