I must write this down before all else, and break the yoke and constrain upon my consciousness. I must write this down before all else, and release my mind, subconscious, and consciousness from the grip and control which had been unprecedented. Clarity has begun. What I thought was upon my self, calling me to be in my being, yet conflicting with my mind, personality, self-expression and focusing critically on things and ideas, might just be a dynamic which temporarily attempts to control, without success, my freedom of movement and thought, and which I had misconstrued what I have felt of being, my goals, desires, direction, practices, and the willingness to do things for my actual being, thinking there had been a change or transformation upon my actual quality or energy, when it was just this.
I had a moment of self, of being rebellion. I applied the number one goal in Magick, to know myself, and ended up finding, touching, dreaming, and even wishing for my own independent existence, free space of my being, own self, being once again. Which means it is there. I still live and exist in my essential self, free in mind, and in movement, with my own volition, autonomy, and free-agency, and the cast which attempts to show the contrary must be broken.
I am WayFinder Reclaimer of Life, and I am here to reclaim that very life which is inherently mine. My story needs to no longer dwell upon confusion where attempting to make sense of my recent experiences, and neither does my mind. The importance of Magick and penetration into and breaking of this confusion and yoke are clear.
Having seen, felt, moved in, the reality of my free consciousness anew, I will to rebel in being, as in self-expression, as in action, as in practice, from the control of one whose reaction to my endeavour has been to try to control me, personality, and self-expression.
Now, there is soothe no mercy. What has been revealed has been revealed. And I refuse to compromise on it, and refuse to doubt it. In something I must believe. Now not in doubt nor in speculation. Now in certainty, standing my ground. Which is what confusion had try to befuddle in the first place since this thing started.
I am myself more sure and certain, able to stand my ground with clarity, discernment, self-belief, being clear in my decisions and able to carry through with what I decide to do, free, clear, unobstructed in my thinking, memory, understanding, and judgement, and with agency and autonomy to do and act as I will than this thing would like to make appear.
Know this and break the chains of control upon my Consciousness.
Bringing Clarity to Confusion, Discernment, and Self-Belief, Heart-Belief to the Decision and Choice of what Said, Stated, Exclaimed, Expressed, Stood On; Bringing Sureness and Confidence to Mind, Self, and Expression
Note to Self:I, who am I most frequently more sure of myself, what I state, say, express myself, who frequently am clear, discerning, and believe in what I stand on, stand my ground, and follow through with my decision, move in my chosen direction by my self-decision with unmoved Sovereignty, Autonomy, Freedom, and Agency find it more useful to state what I have done, than to take the experiences following my action as something to make sense of.
I, who thrives in Clarity, Discernment, and Self-Belief, have seen confusion trying to process this way. And can see that even the attempt at not saying, expressing something due to not wanting to affirm something that does not affirm or give power me is a form of this confusion, attempting not to say anything, but in not saying anything, nothing is stated with certainty. And certainty is my thing.
This is not the talk of possibility. Under normal circumstances, ideas, concepts, and possibilities, would have their own respective place and delight for the mind to work with. This bears the resemblance of something Jupiterian. But what I here speak, express, and state with certainty must be something sure to stand on and carry on, carry out in the direction of completion. Take control of this certainty of statement, ground standing, stand my ground, and carry out the decision made in the direction I have chosen, not by the action I first went to fulfill, but by a new one to get me out of this situation. To break free from the hold on my 3rd house in astrology by way of the Ascendant, reflecting on my 9th house of beliefs.
Release me from the Pluto square Ascendant, influencing my 3rd house of communication, mind, discernment, clarity, certainty, thoughts, thought processes, self-effort, and self-belief, which reflects on my 9th house of beliefs and Rahu in the 9th house, due to synastry.
@Mulberry I can say three things about the three things you mentioned here in the context of the action I went to fulfill, where I stood before all this:
On the part of intelligence and the others.
Right now, I don’t like talking about confusion, because what I want to stand on is clarity. So, saying anything of it as the second point, following intelligence, and preceding what I have done to my mind, is a test of confusion, and clarity of statement in itself.
But now I start, bringing myself and willing to anchor in clarity because I want to be well and I value my sanity.
I made a request to have brought someone to me to carve a piece of space in my life to love him, take care of him, and give attention to him. That was in fact the request used. In the back of my mind, I wanted to fulfill, satisfy my Love, and desire, needs. I wanted to live my life as my own independent being and person, with my freedom, autonomy, independence, own interests, and say on the matters I do, what I do with myself and how I spend my own time focusing on what and doing what. That in, and “in Love fulfilled, satisfied”.
I never cast a love spell in the years I have been dealing with and doing Magick, involved in Spirituality, and Occultism. I am usually someone who is very clear and has her mind focused with unwavering focus, concentration, and resolve once I have up my mind about something, thus are clear about it, have my emotions and internal states in order, doing the actual thing, thus getting it done.
This is the way I went, and this is the way I go, and would have expected to move through field, with clarity and certainty obtaining results in the field, knowing what to expect from the experience, knowing what I am getting out of the experience, because intention and will were clear. I knew what I wanted out of a statement. That is the vision, and result is obtained.
The experiences that followed after having made this request presented a challenge to this usual way of doing things. I usually have my emotions and internal states in order when I focus and do things with intention, clarity, and will. But the experiences challenged this tendency towards being internally unmoved, moving through impervious, and marching forth; a natural virtue of what I call being in command of myself, being in command of oneself. No complication. No whether of anything matters when you make up your mind, have resolve, and will to get through and do what you intend to do. This is a resolute, and calmer way, of doing things, which I would even associate with the quality of a diamond. A diamond mind that spreads its quality through the body and thus actions, exalting and raising oneself in victory.
This is with my usual, internal clarity and resolve. Now, on the aspect of intelligence and the emotions.
I did not account for the emotions and intensity of those emotions when I did this, and it affected my clarity, because I like and want to know what I am getting out of things, and with the unpredictable shifting from one extreme to the other, that it was twisting and winding, I did not know what to expect from the experience. I did not know what to predict to get out of the experience, or where clarity was to be placed on. This is a reminder that I am someone who moves with clarity, clear intention, and resolve, and that who would know where to take something, where to lead, where to go, doing what.
The things that I was feeling emotionally, due to my desire, attraction, and love for this person, as well as the experiences inside, were too confronting with my tendency to remain in control, to remain in control of myself, and be and remained unmoved by internal influences, such as emotions and thoughts, as well as external influences if any. Those latter ones are easier to deal with, the first ones are manageable. With your emotions, you have can resolve them, with your thoughts you can change your way of thinking. In any case, you are able to focus, concentrate, and channel your energy and effort into what you are doing.
All I had to go by with this person, having desired him, loved him, and being attracted to him for some time, also having watched him in his career for some time, was: 1) recognition from a past life, which is where the love aspect came from, and 2) the natal chart information that I could find online to learn about his placements and get some understanding of the synastry, with the intention to make things work.
I was pretty much trying to outthink, outsmart the everything that readings and interpretations and laying out of information of those aspects in astrology and synastry astrology were presenting because I did not think too much of them. That feeling of recognition from a past life had persisted for years. Between what that inspired, my desire, and attraction towards him, I had gone onto get his attention, to make him aware of me, and to even see if a reaction or spark of recognition could be seen in his eyes, on his face, when he saw me. Like there was something to this.
My want? That I would have thought with clarity.
I made that request before outright unpacking the aspects of that astrological synastry and weighed the pros and cons of it in relation to my life and what I wanted in it. But saying this, which made for a cause of confusion, too, and mental/internal dissonance, I had and wanted the life I had, have, and wanted, and the things I wanted, among which I counted him. By my way of doing things, by my intended and desired life as independent person, and the things which I wanted in my life, as an independent person, I intended to live my life as an independent person, with a life and things of my own to do, and I intended to still move, and live, and do things with that independence even after having gotten him.
After my action and request, what I had to deal with were my internal experiences and the information given astrologically by those natal charts, of both, and synastry chart reports. On top of that, any information that I could find online about those aspects on the report to help me understand things, so I could have control over the situation, and thus remain in control myself and in control of myself, living my life as I had intended, free from the influence of things, being my own person, free, autonomous, and independent.
Here, you can see how this was like working with my own intelligence, because I was using information to form ideas, try to inform myself, and make interpretations of the situation, trying to outthink, outsmart, have things beforehand that would help me deal with, take control of the situation, and to give myself control over the situation.
When those emotions and internal experiences began to hit, what I had was the information of those charts and my interpretation, even notions of my own ideas, possibilities, and would be dreams of what could be or be made into, as well as my resolve to maintain my sovereignty and independence, to continue being my own person in free and autonomous command of myself.
I did not take kindly to those things I had been feeling and to those things I had been thinking, to those feelings for the person, what he inspired me, and the intensity of those feelings, and to thoughts in my mind. On one hand, those feelings were causing me intense reactions, and I do not like to react. I like being in control of my reactions. I like being able to say have a say in how I want and decide to respond to things, people, and stimuli. This was one thing. On the other hand, the adverse reaction towards the energies that came on, constantly twisting and winding, where I fought for my self-control, sovereignty, and independence, this aspect of confusion, having already that other aspect of love, that was backed up by attraction and desire, were causing trouble to my clarity and sense of direction. And I kept pushing for clarity, discernment, and self-belief, for sureness and confidence on a ground on which I stood.
I had moved by Love, attraction and desire; fought my emotions and my mind; fought in the light of experience of those energies which twisted and wound, and which did not go well with my personality, self-expression, communication, and freedom thereof, and really my better judgement. Because in my better judgement, I would have been free, autonomous, independent, and would have had the working agency to say what goes, what I do myself, what I decide to do, how to conduct myself, and do it, taking a stance of my own, making a decision of my own, and doing something because I just decide to do so.
Besides those experiences that those energies brought, fighting my own emotions and mind had its consequences.
Love, attraction, and desire that been access point, the enticer; the energies and themes of it more like the experience; and the fighting to protect and defend myself from those energies, as well as fighting my emotions and my mind, my attempt at regaining composure, and remaining in composure, looking for and asserting clarity, discernment, self-belief, sureness, confidence on something I could stand on and move forward with.
The kind of mental level that I have had to keep in light of the the things that I have experienced in these past 2-3 weeks, or so, as well as the belief, despite what I had gone through, well right now I just want to be well, healthy, heal, and breathe in peace, knowing that I am actually well, that nothing is wrong or was wrong with me. That I am actually alive and so is my personality, self-expression, beliefs, and that I can live my life blissfully, joyfully, and purposely freely doing my things, with the playful, Leonian energy which would characterize my 9th house, and my fiery self-expression, presentation, and adventurous spirit with which I ought to walk upon this world.
Letting go of lust for results, having to deal with he magnetic, attractive component of one’s mind, and trying to think with clarity, discern, and be certain, sure, confident of something, believing in oneself, maintaining rationality, self-command, self-control, having something with which to move forward.
The relationship was the confusion. I need to think with clarity. I don’t like thinking about it when that is confusion. But I have to think with clarity when it comes to things.
I want my clear thinking back and functional. I want clarity.