So its been a bit since i last posted and im glad to be back but I wanted to share my experience and workings as ive been transitioning (im a mtf transsexual) and what ive been doing with this magick.
While my experience has been largely positive with this, I must however note that this is not a quick fix. This is an every day ritual along with proper medical care and regular trips to a psychotherapist to deal with my gender dysphoria. If you are trans or even questioning your gender identity I beg you to seek professional help for this condition as it can be extremely psychologically taxing.
While i had always known what i was i was very repressed in ever letting me be myself. I felt alot of shame towards what I was, and even to a degree when scrying or channeling with Duke Dantalion he showed me myself as i had internally percieved it to be as a woman. Lucifer also did the same, and to the point of me negating what had been shown I had been for the better lack of terms shit of luck in help. I had been attending semi regular therapy and honestly after enough suicide attempts and living in depression I had an epiphany of sorts, who was i really harming here, why did i think so low of myself that living as I felt was right that it became so shameful and wrong. I felt broken, alone, a ghost navigating in a rotting corpse. At around August I teetered and starting socially transitioning and around the beginning of November I knew it was right for me to begin medical transitioning. I had also found out about this time when doing different lab work that I was actually born with an intersex condition, which had actually made a lot of sense (sex had been quite painful for me, and without too much detail I had underdeveloped genitalia and did not begin puberty until my early 20s). I had began my routine of medication with a dose of 4mg Estrodiol taken sublingually.
When I had finally recieved my prescriptions I had decided to make a pact with president Marbas to achieve the best results for my transition. Realizing even though I wasnt exactly male to begin with there were other complications to face as a result.
I had to think what was important towards being a woman at least in appearance and in social situations. I took in all the information i could and wrote the petition as well as what would be my offering as changing somebodys shape is quite a feat.
I began the ritual on a Wednesday, with my new medication present, a petition and pact annointed with blood and tears ( a strong emotional bond and connection) and evocated Marbas. I read the petition aloud picturing myself with each word as I said it. My body as i felt it could be* (i say as it could be as in no surgery, while I do plan on certain procedures along the way I must note that I am not developed enough in my skill to change my genetalia or certain other features that require a surgeons touch) my breasts, a narrow waist, softer skin, silky hair, wider hips etc. I then declared loudly my will and intent as well as what I offered (I will disclose this later as this is still a current working) in return for success. I then burnt the petition gave thanks and as a token of our time spent burned incense, took the dose, and pictured in my mind how much better I felt taking this step forward.
As such since then ive done a lesser form of this ritual with Marbas nightly, using a white ink pen I draw his sigil on my left hand before bed each night, recalling what I hope to see changed in myself, repeating his enn until i dose off. Within the first 2.5-3 months and after my first round of blood work on a low dose i had seen some outstanding results, my estrogen levels were that of a young teen and my testosterone completely surpressed. I looked years younger but the physical changes were what somebody further along would be experiencing (fat redistribution, breast growth, and surprisingly I had been shrinking both in height and my feet ) with each day I have been seeing more of my true self.
My voice is far more feminine and is passing (by luck i had befriended a ftm opera teacher who gave me some very important tools to train my voice, as well as quitting smoking my range was much higher). Things were seemingly aligning to make my journey a very successful one.
There have also been mental hurdles to overcome through this and why I cannot stress enough PLEASE SEEK THERAPY I have lost alot of people around me due to transitioning and was being treated like shit at work. I realised that the old me was dying, and i could never go back once I began this trip. On Dec 30th i began to mourn my own death, I couldnt shake it but i feel like this is what Lucifer had known for me for a while. I sobbed and mourned what I was, what i thought I was, and how others thought of me. This went on for 3 days, a complete depressive break down. I didnt eat, sleep came and went spurratically until i had no more tears to cry, but through this death I was reborn.
To get back to the workings i continue it daily and have been living full time as a woman. Ive found a deeper connection to myself and finally feel connected to my physical body, my new confidence in myself allowed me to obtain a new job where im paid more, treated with respect, and as seen as one of the girls working there. While there is always the potential for being misgendered as a transsexual it happens rarely and life has been so much better.
There are also other physical actions ive taken such as diet, exercise, meditation and grooming that have aided in this and I can explain those later if asked.
Thanks for reading through all of this