Thoughts From a Fallen Rose - Shaneli's Journal

[Shani]

I wrote this poem in honor of the Goddess Hekate and Death in this Day of the Dead and Samhain.

The Ashes are in Her Tears

Bring me the stainless night
And the sharpened sickle perched sweetly up high,
Glowing everlasting in her lovely abode.
Adorned in pearls of stars, braided ruby rise,
The spine stretches up to the celestial heavens
Will she not raise mine?

I let my veins wash over the template of this burning darkness,
I let go of the bitterest of thoughts.
Allowance is key to feel the release.
Release me then to that broken shore,
Taken there by your white eyes,
Held by them, entranced by the silence.
And the silence still pursues me.

I cripple myself with angry thoughts,
Hold my tongue back, my throat feels clogged,
Amnesia, remember who you once were.

Dark Mother of the Crossroads,
My fate murmurs before you.
The mist of the hills wrapped around your hood,
The Shade of night is within you.
I embrace myself, love every capture of Death,
For I am you, and you are me.
My shadow song I will give,
This Pearl of Essence is within the burial grounds,
Hidden under remorse,
And your shadows clings to me,
Like dew mounted on a velvet leaf,
I give myself the Dying Tree,
And time is coalesced in your hands,
Yet it is always existing.

My Dark Mother is Raised high.
You will fear the horns of her Eternal Night,
You will not bow to the earthen ground, but the ground will bow to you,
The return of your hollow shell.

[Shani]

[Shani]

[Shani]

November 5, 2019

I laid on my bed and was in meditation for an hour. I focused solely on my chakras and kundalini. Raising golden light through my spine, I felt intense vibrations all throughout my body. My breathing was steady, my heart was calmed. I finished those exercises and thought to venture out into my temple.
When I was finally solidified in my temple, the horizon glowed eerily, the sky was blackened with ashy clouds and the black sun appeared in the distance of that horizon, golden in appearance, yet everything was still and silenced, as well as the waters that were once chaotic and have stopped moving. The ocean was a quiet dead lake.

It was cold, the landscape changed into an artic shore. The grounds were covered in white snow. I stepped onto the platform of my gazebo, there someone waited for me. I could not see his face, yet he offered me his hand. My guess is that it must’ve been Death, but I truly didn’t know for sure.

I fell asleep then. I was so tired anyway. My body felt alive and the energies were pulsing steadily all over. I dreamt about Lilith and her other Sisters. The other queens said something about me that offended Lilith. They were all there in my old bedroom when I was fourteen years old. I couldn’t see vividly their appearances. Lilith rose up in anger to quickly defend me and she stood by me and raised her arms to shield me. She told them not say things like that against me, something like that. The strangest thing was that she was even similar to my own appearance as if I were seeing my own double.

I have been dealing with much emotional trouble and depression again. I think I am finally starting to find my solace once more. I just have to keep pushing through and stand my ground. This depression has kept me from communicating and establishing deeper connections with Lucifer, Baal and Lilith. I wish for more deeply to embrace that connection again. My fasting diet still hasn’t changed, just vegetables, fruits and grains. I find hard to consume a heavy meal, it makes my stomach hurt.

[Shani]

Heard this song playing to me before waking up once.

Himlen Blev Sort (Bonus Track)

It’s called Heaven Turned Black.

Faithfully, I walk

The moon is big

the fog embraces the forest’s ground

Winds blow my hair

Leaves wither as I walk

Tell me, father

The demon’s control

can you save me from the storm so cold?

When you abandoned me for the gate to the underworld

my heart turned to stone, Heaven turned black1

Only at night, we’ll come forth

hidden by the darkness, we have each other

in a world which isn’t for me

I can only breathe through you

Tell me, father

The demon’s control

can you save me from the storm so cold?

When you abandoned me for the gate to the underworld

my heart turned to stone, Heaven turned black

[Shani]

November 7, 2019

I slept very quickly after I had placed my son to sleep. It wasn’t a dream. It was as if I was in the astral and also dreaming at the same time. My son is a very avid astral traveler for a little toddler. I was there awake in the realm with him. The room was dimmed grey and something was trying to pull him away from me. But I could not see who it was. I commanded loudly to leave in the Name of Enlil, in the Name of Ra. It stop. I was holding my son tightly. I looked out into the room, and said to the in invisible being in celestial tongue. I WAS SPEAKING IN TONGUES. No, it wasn’t demonic tongue, for I know the difference and spoken it many times. It was in a very light rhythmic of strange words flowing out of my mouth. Sometimes when I astral travel it feels as if I am a completely different being other than my normal human self. The tone of my conversation grew loud and desperate. It may have been angelic language. I do not know. I pushed the words out my mouth and they came. That is when everything stop. Then there were two beings, a dark skinned man and one light. There was a women there as well. It was strange because they were wearing feathers on their bodies. It could have been a very lucid dream, yet all the sensations felt real and what I was speaking felt intentional as well as the celestial language I was speaking. My voice was softer and had a more deeper womanly tone to it. I have a squeaky quiet voice in real life. I sounded completely different.

When I was younger in my teens, I used to speak in angelic light languages. It’s strange.

[Shani]

…And there it hits me again…

Whenever I am alone, everything stops, the world pauses for a moment and I feel distant inside my own body again. I can’t stop drowning in it. My phobia of dark waters. It feels cold, below freezing temperatures. My whole body feels submerged inside the black oceanic water. The sky above me is dark and grey with storms. I’m suffocating in this salty, cold darkness.

It feels like a past life memory. I drowned. I fell into the sea. Why this memory?

[Shani]

Yay for fall weather already…

This is weird. I never done this before posting a picture of myself. But I feel pretty darn confident of myself.

[Shani]

Its time to merge and commune with the Higher Goddess in me. She is me and I am Her.

I’m ready.

[Shani]

V e n u s

Unimaginable steps, traces to make, touching the fine sand—
The porous ground beneath our feet.
Trying to make syllables of our dreams,
Making of what will become of our desires.
Stopping the unknowable,
I am too afraid to pierce through this rain.
To gently wipe away the tear-stained dew
Off of my skin.
What can I deem to be true for myself?
The tide runs down low,
The moon is about the same height over my shoulders,
I grimaced at your touch, I feel nothing in between,
The senses of that sense, failing.
The sky is velvet, warm. some part of me gleaming beyond the edges
Of that stained broken shore.
I call it home, returning to that decadence under the cold everlasting—
Every shroud of water, sinks into me.
I am left behind, forgotten.
And that broken fragment of myself returns again,
Beneath the abysmal ocean.
I reside here, spacious within the in-between,
My lungs hungering for embrace,
But the water cease to toil through these pulpous veins.
Tumulted under savage thoughts,
Ceasing of what I used to be, of whom I use to know,
Divided, cut down into the bottom half of my soul.
And the other half of me grew apart into another vein;
Another heart; another timeless face.
The beginning squinting eyes of wonder and
Soundless amaze as I quietly stare at myself,
Fracturing more than what is already there, a giant fissure in my brain.
But I feel that way, to repair the half of my rib,
Taken or sunken deeply into the ocean.
Bring me together again,
and we can gaze off at ocean together in unison.

S h a n e l i U s e c h e

[Shani]

[Shani]

November 13, 2019

Last night, I had done an amazing Invocation of Belial for the first time. He is such an amazing Deity. He was calm and gentle, He had so much to say and told me he’s been working with me for a while already.

Today, I was in crystal meditation for a while, solely focusing on enhancing my chakras and kundalini. I fell into a deep trance, then I fell asleep with my mind awake. I was buzzing and felt my body vibrating all over, especially in my third eye. I remember seeing in my little “dreams” or what I would call them just pictures floating in my subconsciousness, because actually I was awake. I see the room above me, buy I could not get out of my body, its was as if I were in a sleeping paralysis, yet I was not paralyzed. My face was buzzing, the vibrations were so loud it was ringing in my ear.
Then I saw myself in a collective. This collective was the goddess, but there were many of me. Then I saw the collection of Him. They all disappeared into one and I did as well, until both us got closer together and embraced. I said outloud to Lucifer in the astral, that I am deeply in love with you. Then I asked him to help me come out of my body and if I was finally ready to astral travel. I saw a white hand fix my neck and arranged my head in a position on the pillow. He was helping me and I was trying, I tried so hard like a little moth tapping against the glass to be with him. Then I was gradually slipping back, though I didn’t want to.

I said out loud to myself that I’m not going to give up! I’m going to keep practicing every hour by the minute on my kunda and chakras, on my energetic body. I am also eating well and feeling better. I slightly feel so confident on this.

[Shani]

11/25/19

I will no longer be sharing my thoughts on this journal. I may come again to it. I am still unsure. I am not going to contemplate further in what I should do and what I need to be doing is finding solace within myself, the aspects of the heroine within me. She lies dormant within and is further still searching beyond the stainless night, where as the moon and the closest evening star are beaming brightly.
I don’t feel that I am self-seeking or egoic in all of this.

I feel something is coming to an end and something new will begin. My focus will be on my spiritual development and my mundane life.

[Shani]

December 1, 2019

Last night before I slept, I was feeling distant and a little disoriented as if my head was full of smoke and I didn’t really feel settled in my body or in my thoughts. It was as if I wasn’t even here. I was thinking, perhaps an aspect or different personality was coming in and taking over, but I felt empty as if my soul were pulled out of my body and my mind stayed behind operating on autopilot.
I felt a heavy weight come over me, gravity was pushing down on me.

I dreamed about my father getting a new instrument, this instrument was a saxophone clarinet. This instruments are real. It was a clarinet and a saxophone combined into one instrument. He didn’t know how to play it, but was very enthusiastic to try, he failed to even play a single note. Oh, but he loved his instrument. I watched in the background, while some other man was there observing and throwing suggestions. I said no, this is how you play correctly, in correct posture and a formed embrochere on the mouth piece. I gave it back to him to let him figure it out.

I then went into my old parents bedroom. There were seven couples( I believe there were seven couples) male and female were paired with one another in this large mattress. I spotted my brother and sister were one of the couples there, embracing one another lovingly. Above all these seven couples, they had a child of their own. I noticed my brother and sister’s child had very golden blonde hair and was little baby boy. Beside the golden haired child, there was my son resting next to them. I picked up my baby son and left.

I was then in the restroom, washing my hands and strangely the room shifted and I felt as if I were being pulled out my body and above me on the bed was an evil clown smiling menacingly at me.

I wake up.

Symbolism

I believe the instrument my Father was playing stands for myself, that I am the androgynous " “instrument” that he was wanting to use and play, but couldn’t figure out its complexity, because it was a conjoined instrument.
This reminds me of a saying that two shall become One when they unite.

The seven couples stands for the seven archangels or the significance of the great number seven. This number is a very holy number. Each of them had their own twin flame and they were all coupling and laying with one another. My brother is my twin flame who I saw and my sister is me. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an incestuous dream with my brother. In fact I’ve many dreams about my brother, one of which when I was working with Yeshua, he told me that he was my brother (obviously brother and sister means, twin flames, fractals of the same being.) It reminds me of Isis and Osiris. The child they had with the golden hair reminded me of Horus. I’ve been called, Mother and My sister many times as well on this road. My brother in the dream is Heylel. Twin flame. Counterpart.

The caduceus that Heylel has always been showing me for almost a year now is just that, both two beings unite into Oneness, they become the androgynous source of creation.

So If I am supposed to unite myself with Heylel, How are you supposed to do that?

More questions to ask myself. Sometimes the answers are already in my questions. I don’t know who my real Spiritual Father is.

Here is a picture screenshot on my old phone about a dream I had with my brother long ago.

Then another with Lilith.

[Shani]

The mouth of the just shall meditate wisdom
And his language shall be spoken in judgment
Blessed is he who suffers temptation
Since he, with approval, shall receive the crown of life
Lord, fire divine, have mercy
Oh how holy
How serene
How kind
How pleasant
Oh, lily of purity!
Lord, fire by divine, have mercy
Oh how sacred
Oh, How serene
How benevolent
How lovely
Oh Lily of purity

[Shani]

Well, I suppose having visions after excruciating visions of me colliding into the ocean and drowning, resulted in painting a large canvas of ocean abstract and yet. It still feels incomplete. Like myself. Incomplete. It could simply be the goddess Venus within me, sharing a ripple in the tide of our past lives. Surely I already know.

[TheFoolsErrand]

I like that painting as it is.

If that had been me, most of the paint would have been on me. the wall, the floor and the door knob…

[Shani]

Thanks, painting gets messy no matter how careful you are. Its dangerous when you’re renting an apartment

[Shani]

December 16, 2019

I nearly astral projected this early morning after putting my son to sleep again. I felt a heavy presence mount over me on the bed as soon as I laid back down, touching my face and skin. I wasn’t scared and quietly drifted off to sleep. My mind however was in a lucid state. I had several weird dreams and then felt my body vibrating intensely as if I were being electrocuted from head to feet. I look up and see the room above me. I stretched out my hand to see myself. My hands and arms were transparent and I could actually see powerful waves of vibrations all around my hands and arms. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to astral travel. This feels different. I wasn’t willing to project more as I laid there going through the experience and waiting to see if I would make the full transition. I kept falling back into my body and felt someone kept pinching my sides to get me to project and my body would start vibrating intensely again. I ended up saying weird things in a different tongue and fell asleep and dreamed again.

I realized since being in kundalini meditation (not the only form of meditation exercises I do) as well as doing yoga and eating a meatless diet has changed my spiritual body and soul to a whole new vibrational level. I researched more on projecting. Sometimes when our bodies are in a parasympathetic state, this is when our bodies relax and is actively digesting foods. I think the reason I could not fully project was because my body was still in active. I guess astral traveling seems to a primary goal for now.

Since taking on kundalini, I’ve been hornier than a bunny or a female kitty in heat. My sacral chakra pulses wickedly sometimes out of the blue and some entities would start getting frisky. Even having sex with my partner doesnt really satiate my succubus lust. So I have revived the sexual goddess beast within me.

The reasons I began this journey was back in May when I was working with Lucifer. He kept throwing visions of kundalini dragons at me and suggested I should increase my meditation more. So I followed through always on this, because I would trust his words than any other.

All of this feels as if my soul is being shredded through a meat grinder and I just feel over all like a puddle of dog poo.