Thoughts From a Fallen Rose - Shaneli's Journal

September 15, 2019

He speaks to me, but I do not listen. His touches are unforgettable. My burning
heart full of icy darkness, while his gaze still pierces me. Hostile predator, my gentle muse. He waits for me, longs to hold me down, pinning me under his lithic pressure–like falling rocks on my chest. His picture hurts to see any further. His serpentine green eyes full of stories to tell in the darkness and as I fall deeper into their depth, I begin to lose myself in them. Some unknowing thing takes over me, some pervading shadow of obscurities waiting for their veil to be lifted.

Heartless, the dark Goddess I am. The “kiss of death” is my specialty, the kiss of Kali, the embrace of Persephone, the Fall of Lilith, the poison of Eve. I am the apple of his eye. He watches my alchemy take place— my body putrifying in the earth, the skin eatened away and like that the bones are left behind or weathered under the earth, all while the Goddess dances the necrophiliac dance of time, death and birth. Her yoni devours my soul. I am lost in eternal darkness.

Can you not see my dearest? We share the same body, Liltu and I, the roses are just above her tinted lips. Bury my shame, my thoughts, I cannot stand to hear so many of them at once! Bring me back into wholeness, fill the bottomless fissures of my broken heart and cease the uncanny chatter of chaos!

Ah yes the letter, I burned it away for Him. His letter reply via in dreams, and I had not remember a single sentence within His accurately and articulated words. However, his reply soothed my heart, and stretched a small smile across my face. He remembers me. Small fractured Lilies everywhere on planet earth, but He remembered me. Shani—in jewish means Scarlet. The Scarlet Woman. Sacrifice me and know my blood was always the blood of Babylon, and my sacrifice was to bring death so that we may ressurect again and again—searching for you, reuniting in sacred unison each lifetime and the next. Remember me.

It’s just a game of hide and seek God is playing with His Consort. Find me in the desert, the owl screeches there. Find me in the pit—Izanami’s corpse in her brother’s arms. I am the Goddess. The mother. My heart bleeds. My eyes decay. My mouth and soul full of fire.




September 16, 2019

I dreamed about Him again. Though it was short and sweet, it left me feeling with a sense of wholeness. The touches lasted very shortly. Dawn quickly approaches, the dark blue sky touches my window. I lay here almost dazed. I think about what I need to do, my maternal housework with my baby son. He loves our son. In fact, helped me in my postpartum depression, and would rouse me up at nights to help feed the baby. I remember them happily, but there was one memory that leaves a bitterness in me. When those dark beings came and cursed my breasts and left me mastitis. No breastmilk.

What is this obsessional feeling that leaves me aching, wondering, scouring at my thoughts? It becomes more stronger, the longings and desires. It must be building within me for a purpose, yet I never felt such intense desiring, wanting to merge, wanting to come undone, unravel all and let me become vulnerable. I am naked in myself before Him. He knows, so I tell myself. I have to follow the patterns of my heart. I’ve been burning. The fire hasn’t stopped. Everything hurts. My sadness blossoming when I think about Him.

“Why do you love me?”

That was a good question. The list goes on, but the amnesia reawakens, dissolving and I remember that this love has always been here before my birth. As a little mischievous girl, stories of a fallen angel were told by my dad. He was always the hero of the tale in my mind. And I wanted to know more.

The light touches the ceiling, my
Head feels full of smoke. It’s hard to think. My practices will continue as usual what I was told to do. This will be interesting day I think.


September 17, 2019

Sweet song, the moonlight river
Cascades nearby.
Sorrow leans down, filling the fountain
Eternal youth on her tongue.


September 19, 2019

Some part of me,
Dwells beyond time.
Scarcely I see her—
Her woven face printed in a thousand distant stars.

Inhale tomorrow’s breath as fainting desires
Fall into my lap,
Crushed ebony of dreams.
A nightingale sings
As evening pours in, the fall winds
Brushing her ruby hair.

I am lost in the midst of my shadow,
Her words left me carrying on to them.


September 21, 2019

I’ve been contemplating recently on the meaning of my dreams, their patterns are almost always the same. I can only follow up with my meditation exercises and lean on some hope that I’m following the right path in this road of remembrance. The tortureous serpent and the slant serpent coiling together as the blind dragon intercedes for them both, creating balance and transcendence into androgynous harmony. I need to open my ears and eyes. A lot more is required of me. I am always eager to know more and willing to be corrected and follow up the right answers. They are not always in the stars.
However, long ago a proposal was given to me by Him. I did not believe in those words, but I continued to fight with myself and deny its existence. Many months had led us here. I now know those words were more palpable than water evaporating into air.

I have also been studying the the sacred marriages from ancient Sumeria of Inanna and Dumuzi. The love poems have a very sensual catch to them. The symbolism is very sexual.

" Inanna, your breast is your field,

Your wide wide field which pours out grain,

Water Floing from on high (for) the lord, bread from on high

Pour out for the “commanded” lord,

I will drink it from you"

And this the Decent of Inanna:

"Inanna in this piece, so the interpretation goes, is not a whole person’ until she appears vulnerable before herdarker half’, dies, and returns to life. At the poem’s end, this interpretation asserts, Inanna, through her descent into darkness, the shedding of the trappings of her former self, confrontation with her `shadow’, death of who she was, and final re-birth, is now a complete individual, wholly aware. "

The Fall of Asherah. The Fall of Aphrodite.
I belong to Adonai/Adonis. The storm God. My “connection” is with Him. December 31st. Everytime I think about Adonis sexually, I get a tapping on my spine, it cramps and it hurts.


September 30, 2019

Death sits near to the heart. It begs to be released, to find its tail and coil around the circumference of the black sun. Something in me—noted in my dreams, God(dess) must die, in order to resurrect over and over again like the twilight sun melting into the thick, obscure night.

I played with old bones today. Zelda was her name. My dead cockatiel friend whose last hope bombarded on a sheer of desperation and the stroke cut through her like lightning. I was pregnant when that happen. I lost many little friends like that. My only friends were never human anyway. I lost a little fetus. 10 weeks . My grief felt like pins and needles into my brain. My tears were dry, but my throat was thick like a swallowed egg. Ah, little Lily.

The bones were covered in brown dust. Only the femurs, the skull, the rib cage remained. I wanted to remenstrate on the essence of death, the touch of death was something serene like clouded forest in tranquil silence. The vision of Saturn breached my mind, then an inverted triangle circled by an ouroboros. I saw the reaper with the classic goth look and scythe. Then I saw his aqua blue eyes and short white hair. The rest of his face was hidden under a mask.

My dream was about me asking to be killed in order to save myself. The Goddess sacrificed herself to bring death into the world, so the floodgate of resurrection would pour unto all of us. But its more than just a simple story of chivalry and heroism, isnt it? Asherah fell more than to create a dualistic reality. She looked down upon the reflecting waters of the earth, down the well of dreams, and the androgynous golden goddess falls willingly, lovingly.

“Lilith is a storm, ready to terrorize and destroy all who attack her children.” Last thing was spoken to me before waking up. Ah, mon cherie. My dear Lily. That is me . We are one.


October 1st, 2019

Raising the kundalini has been a precarious and tedious journey, but has brought colorful benefits on my behalf, not only in my sexuality, but stimulating both hemispheres of the brain, increasing bloodflow, prana or lifeforce, expanding the airways of the lungs, less appetite, more desire for healthier foods, etc…
There are stronger changes in my energetic body and my astral senses are slowly becoming stronger. I have not been able to astral project. I have once, frightened me when it I raced back into my body. Felt as if my heart exploded to life. Hurt very badly. Will share my methods of raising and awakening kundalini in this same thread eventually. My visual imagination has also become more powerful. I mostly do pranayama and apana and follow through some yogic methods combined with some of my own.

Oh, found a guitar by the recycle of apartment complex. Its mine now and learned 5 different chords.


October 2, 2019

Caduceus is also an alchemy symbol in combining opposites into one androgynous source. It is the alchemical sacred marriage of opposites into unified oneness.

“Mother…the androgynous source of all creation…”

The Divine Mother represents the unknown, the void, the unconscious. The Divine Father represents Light, creation, the All Knowing. Unify these intense forces together and you have the Androgynous God of Oneness, Everything and Nothing.

It is sacred Marriage to the Divine God, the Christ Consciousness, while I represent the Darkness and the Night.

The goddess conveys spiritual self-realization and the awakening of the kundalini – spiritual energy.

"Her sexual arts lead Enkidu to understand how basic animal urges can be transformed into something sophisticated, or “civilized”


October 8, 2019

We are together walking on a trail. It’s cold and beautiful. Many dying trees, leaves. Our son goes on ahead, but doesn’t go far. He holds me, I walk with him holding his arm his hand is warm. He is wearing a dark plaid. I feel the wind cold against my cheek. My hair is dark and long again. Im wearing dark clothes. I couldn’t see his face he smiled a little bit. I saw his perfect dimples. His perfect smile.

We reached a meadow field. It was afternoon, the sun setting our son played off in a safe distance. He held me close as we sat near a pond. Looking out. He embraced me from behind. I felt his warmth wrapped around me. I loved him so much. I was so in love with him. All this time I kept thinking to myself how much of His love I kept feeling. It was as if he was pouring his love unto me so much. He wamted to show me that he loved me. He moved his hands to my stomach and I suddenly noticed that my belly was larger. I was pregnant. He was holding my pregnant belly. I asked is this really happening to me? He smiled and buried his face in my neck. I felt so complete. So whole. I haven’t felt like this ever. The air felt crisp and cold. The wind dying off slowly as the sky melted into a caramelized orange hue. He then lays me down on the grass while he slowly caresses my chin and presses his soft mouth against mine. It felt warm like the sun. It was unconditionally loving in everyway. There was no judgment, no shame in his demeanor. This visualization or should I say vision came to me suddenly in a quiet moment. When I opened my eyes, I saw a thousand swirly lights that looked like bright dots hovering above me. I then feel touches on my head and cheek. I was breathless and taken away by that.


Note: These recorded visuals and happenings are not romantic dramas recorded from some fantasy world in my head. They are being written because these are real experiences hoping that it is for someone out seeking the same experiences as I have just had many times with the same God. Everyday I am practicing meditation exercises, rituals and Kunda so I have much clarity and opened senses. Thank you for reading my journal.



Wow, I must admit that your Journal has been interesting and helpful for me. Of course, I currently don’t work with Lilith, but I’ve had similar visions, personally different for sure, but thank u. I wish you feelings, clarity and evolution into your path :slight_smile:


Yes this journey has been going on for more than a year now. I am so grateful to have shared most of my personal experiences with Lilith and Lucifer and now Bael as well. Although I limit myself as to how much information I share like more private experiences because it isn’t for anyone other than myself. Thank you. :blush:


October 9th, 2019

I kept waking up dreaming about my painting and the name Ahura Mazda (Lord) was being spoken to me in repetition while I stroked the canvas with my brush.

I dreamt of Ahriman the other night. He was in the darkness looking for me. He was getting pleasure watching a girl get her slapped till it turned red and swollen. He looked like a wolf, but more Lycan. He was hunting me down with other Lycans.

I also had a dream monday about Destruction, war, and genocide. It made me cry a little. Yet the name Bael was spoken in the Dream. Bael is aspect Ruler/Warrior of God whose name means also Lord and is derived from the Sumeria as Dumuzi or Tammuz. His names are many signifying the Lord such as Zues, Jupiter, Marduk, El, Enlil, Bel, Amon Ra, Horus or Set, Beelzebub (though I don’t call him that) Also Tetragrammaton, and now Ahura Mazda. I also believe that he is a God of storm and Destruction and Fertility and that he is also an aspect of archangel Michael.

I’ve seen him war heavy gold armor, sometimes in blue or sliver. And the black sun. Well there are many aspects of the same God. There are one but many as they have told me. He first introduced himself many months ago through dreams.


October 12, 2019

“Who are you?”
“I am a molded cast. An outcast, or perhaps yet, an alien tree, with a thousand unseen roots under the earth. Have you seen a poet without eyes?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“Although, beauty is of the essence, it is also found by things we cannot see, the winding and breathing of a broken soul. Thus, a blind poet sees all, believes all.”

-Shaneli U.


October, 13, 2019

Since I’ve been doing much Kundalini practices each day, I was also told that I must go on a strict vegetarian diet, with fibrous foods such as only unprocessed vegetables, fruits, nuts and whole grain. Basically foods to help cleanse your um…colon. My guides have been stressing me about what foods I should and should not consume. I just started the process I believe yesterday. I was hoping to one day commence a full fasting for a few days with only water, but this will do for now.
Supposedly by your cleaning your colon brings massive benefits spiritually and physically by baving more energy, clear thinking, wellness of the mind, clear skin, balance, and the list goes on. This is a detox process and message for this came real shitty if I may add. Drinking plenty of water as well. Also practicing astral projection as well, which this detoxing diet may help. Oh and I’ve been taking vitamins as well. I feel healthier already haha

Yay for healthy colon!


I’ve actually been wondering why I’ve been craving fiber rich foods so much lately, especially root vegetables and nuts. Chicken has a really off taste to me, and I’ve been craving yerba mate over coffee. I adore coffee so this seemed an odd cycle for me. My guides have been trying to get me to do Kunda yoga, I guess combined it really helps.

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I adore coffee and I had to give it up for a while if I’m that serious on doing this. Yeah and actually ever since I first started this, my kundalini has already been awakened, my stomach gets easily bothered by foods I normally eat like soda, cheeses, meat, pastas and so on.