Thoughts From a Fallen Rose - Shaneli's Journal

I’m just going to leave this here for now. Soon will share my kundalini methods and notes.

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October 15, 2019

So last night around 4 am I was finally able to astral project, yet couldn’t fully leave my body. I tried the fishing pole technique to reel myself out of my body. I felt a lot of vibrational pressure as I did this. What’s funny was I heard a lot of mentioning and also talking about whose going to take on me first? Then they said yes, Drath should go first, there were two others. I’ve met the Angel of Death, he called himself Mot one evening in meditation meet up. Then I wake up and try the second time to project and Adonai was staring down at me smiling as I struggled to pull myself. He gives me a dream then says something cheeky like I know I’m the best Golden Man around, then was pushing sexual dreams about us.

Well that was it.
And I turn 24 today .yay.

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October 18, 2019

Yesterday during a meditation practice, I went in deeper and visited my sacred personal temple. Usually it is the shore and the ocean that stretches far beyond the horizon and a gazebo on land that gives me pass of transportation into other dimensions. I saw the sun blacken and the sky pour with blood. The ocean turned dark as ash and I had only one candle to light my way. All felt very eerie amd quiet. I went further into the darkness on the otherside. I felt water above my ankles. It felt like cold shadow. Then I came across a very large prominent jaw full of razor teeth. Only my candle illuminated part of the dragon. I kindly asked her name. She gave me Tiamat/Leviathan both as the same name. I thought it was amazing how terrifyingly beautiful she was in her dragon form. She did not say much to me but show herself to me, she allowed me to touch her dragon skin. My heart was beating fast. Then something happened it was if she went into me, my eyes rolled back, I felt an electric wave go down from my crown to my foot and a little shakiness. It was as if Tiamat integrated herself into me. Then I saw everything morph and I saw the full moon in the darkness. I went and performed a cleansing ritual after that and then returned to the black ocean. I still had the candle in my hand then I did something odd and tossed the flame into the ocean. The sun was still eclipsed. The fire spread throughout the entire ocean.

I now know my strongest elements are water and fire. Tiamat. I’ve had a dream of her recently as she arose out the waters and gazed at me, but she is making herself known to me. I never called her, like Hecate and Lilith, they have come to me to reveal my true self.


October 19, 2019

My chest feels heavy. Everything hurts. Sometimes quiet nights in the dark is comforting for me. I’m just mothering through this darkness. My tears flowed heavily. I was exploding in rage last night I’ve never felt. I hate fights.

I’m finding solace inside myself slowly. I am the only who can set myself free from the pain. I went outside last night at 3 am to listen to the thunder rolling in the sky and the rain falling on the asphalt. I felt so weary. I know in my heart I’m not going to give up. I choose this difficult path, I will burn my way through it. I felt a bitterness in my throat like no other.

I had dream after that and it made me realize that there are no enemies. I have no enemy to fight and death is not my enemy. I was a warrior ready to fight, but my enemy took the gun and pointed it to himself and shot himself. I have no enemy to fight. There is no one to fight, not even myself. Embrace it all.

Just writing this now gives me deja vu. I know Bael and Lucifer are still by my side. I’ve seen this moment come before almost 9 months ago.


October 22, 2019

I have been reaching more closely to Death, who has many names like Azrael and Mot. I see him often he communicates to me and spoke to me once when I had a question about understanding the energies of death, and told me,
“Death is the priceless gift to mankind, you humans have inverted the concept of death and cannot grasp the goodness of it.”

He reached out his hand to me from under his black cloak. I could surely almost see his features under his hood.

Earlier, I had read an article while researching on His aspects. Funny that Michael is also considered an angel of Death.

Michael came to me unexpectedly. I could see him so clearly it was almost like dreaming. I remember his eyes, they were very blue and his hair was blond and wavy. He stared down at me and was very tall. I’m blushing right now. I’ve dreamed about him several times and felt him calling out to me as well in the past. There was something behind his slight smile. His facial features were perfectly angelic. His blue piercing eyes were symmetrically shaped along with the line of his nose. His skin was white and smooth.

“Hello, I am Michael.” He kindly greeted me. There was a slight perfect smile. That was all. All this time I’ve been calling out to Death and trying to learn more about him.

I feel slightly intimidated by this beautiful God Michael.

After that, I felt well…very turned on. So I got out my wand and started messing around with myself (not to mention that they were interrupting my exercises begging to play with me. Sigh). Someway to get to know archangel Michael and Death. I feel a slight connection to Thanatos, Death and Michael all together.

I feel as though I am walking on thin ice


You write beautifully. I enjoy reading your posts.


Thank you love. Everything is written in honesty and sincerity.

It shakes me to think something dark waits for me ahead, almost as if there is an initiation. A black gate waits at the end of the road, may even even be the blackest gate of them all. Its as if I am determining my own disaster that lies in wait to ensnare me. I have the key already.

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October 24, 2019

I became submerged deep under the oceanic trenches. In weightlessness, I fell all while traveling through the dark salty currents of my ravaged mind. The palpable water, cold and everlasting in the darkness, filled my lungs and a sensation came over me like no other. It was a burning in my throat.

Don’t you feel the psych pushing you to extremities and over the edge, connecting you to yourself? I had found long ago in the beginning of my path, that I have had many individual personalities, different aspects and different alters that come and switch through me and share the same conciousness and the same body. I’m not going to go into further details other than that is what my higherself and me have been striving into bringing together these different aspects. My higherself is the Feminine counterpart of Lucifer. That is who my “godform” is.

Somewhere out there dear Lilith, I know you are reading this and I want to share with you, I am you and you are me. We are the same. I am appreciative of you and I love you. This world is, but a dream. We are dreaming.


October 27, 2019

Where can I rebuild myself within my own circle of pain? I cycle through this recognition, beating through every harsh thought about myself. If I ever once knew about myself, it would’ve been through the pain I feel now. Through the covered darkness, I know myself, through birthing pains, I am revived into my awareness. Beating down in this solid chest of mine; the framework of mind doesn’t bend to understanding the wildness of the heart. I feel more human, I feel more ghosted. I echoed a thousand distant stars and they sung back to me. I sometimes taste blood; verbalizing into shadowy forms and in my own delusion, they laugh at me and mock me.

I’ll harbor a part of myself, apart of this pain.
The thorn sticks into the root of my brain and the Sun scorches half of me away. I’ll keep myself, I am my own redeemer within this. If I wake soon enough to fullfil the promises from the hot June, until December. When will that bitter cold take me between these soft legs of mine? The frost I await for. The embrace of the darkened boughs and howling winds on frozen clouded evening. I’ll bury the Sun instead. I’ll blacken it dark within me.


October 27, 2019

I had finally a day out with my family. Never had a chance to do stuff like this. I’m an introvert who works on her art and magick. We went to see the second movie Maleficent. It was such marvelous movie! Pretty heart warming in the end. Saw lots of symbolism with the movie. It’s getting me to think many things right now. Hmmm…


October 28, 2017

I realized how much I really hate myself and that when I hate who I am, I hate Heylel as well. Though I know that I don’t, yet I am still a fractal of Him/Her. I know that I am fully Him as Venus and I had forgotten what it is to truly forgive and love myself again. I had forgotten to forgive others for what they have done to me. I had forgotten what unconditional love means for myself and to love myself selflessly and unconditionally. That is the reason why I cannot feel anything about my painting that I am in process of. It would mean nothing to me because I do not feel resonating with my own soul. I always said it’s just an illusion, but I know that’s not the truth, but a lie. It’s me that’s holding back. It’s me holding the fear and pain. It’s me holding the emptiness inside. It’s me missing the other half of myself. How can I forgive myself, how can I forgive my partner and everyone else?


October 31, 2019

I heard the name Aniel call out to me randomly while I was in the middle of doing something. I looked up for his sigil and had this strange feeling to channel him for information on who he is. I gazed at his sigil and was surprised to to have found that I had already seen this sigil come to picture inside my mind, yesterday while I was in meditation. I prepared for a ritual, consecrated my altar space and provided an offering of chocolate. I wrote on his sigil and charged it with dragon’s fire breath. I breathed in deeply and opened all my chakras, using white ray of purification.

I visited him and he wouldn’t have shown himself to me if not I called for him again if I could see him clearly. I approached a small valley and waited near a tree. The landscape was bright, the air was crisp as if it was in the early season of August or September. The sun was shining above and my hair was rippling in the wind. I came across a very large oak tree and placed my hand on it, examining the fine details of its beautiful wooden body. I could see the clear sap coming the tree and a small tarantula resting by my hand. The tarantula is also one of my guides. Very often I see him/her follow me .

He is right next to me, something is in his hands, he gives it to me, I cannot see him clearly. It looks like the astrology sign of Cancer. Then I ask if I could see him better and he gives me the quintessential angelic look with heavy set of wings and his hair is golden blonde. He has a general expression of kindness on his face. Then I see the sigil of Lucifer come to my mind. I asked if they were twin brothers, he said yes. I looked at him closer and asked him is he a mask of Lucifer. He had his arms crossed and reminded to tell me that they are all One. I asked if he was my twin brother as well and he responded a yes. I asked him if he recommended anything that I should do next.

He smiled and said,
“Keep painting with all your heart.”

I thanked him and went back, grounding myself.

The next thing that occurred to me was that I was feeling very sexually charged. It wasn’t with Archangel Aniel, but with Lucifer. I see him perfect and gorgeous. I kept hearing Michael’s name as well.

That is all for now

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Just cause :heart:


Beautiful, just beautiful.


Thank you :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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