More:
Night
I didn’t sleep last night – I wandered through realm after realm, in a sleep-like state (not lucid, they felt as real as this keyboard) and woke far more tired than when I lay down, these are some of the things I saw:
~ a world of flat grassy planes where pentagrams and other symbols were carefully raised into the turf, the people there traded livestock, especially horses which they also raced for sport;
~ a man fishing in the Thames, he was baiting his nets with living smaller fish impaled on hooks, and I was outraged not at the cruelty, but that he was so certain their pain wasn’t real and that all of his was, his belief he was of a different nature of life than those fish;
~ there was a kingdom of air, and when I asked for its leader I was told the dark aspect of Mercury and Ahriman are one;
~ a man in a desert tent who offered me a cup to drink from, when I tilted it I saw the cup contained a tiny person, dark and slick like dates are, which seemed completely natural and normal – I drank him. Then I turned to the fire, and the man’s children were dancing in the fire, tiny kids about 4 or 5 years old if they’d been regular children, there were three or four of them and he said this was their way, and he told me to go north, to the snow;
~ I travelled north towards Polaris and saw a kingdom made of ice and snow, I called greetings to the All Father – then I kind of woke myself up properly. There was other stuff I don’t want to share.
Starting before I lay down last night, I’ve felt all the love, all the kindness draining from me, I have a rescue dog and all he is to me right now is an annoyance – I don’t feel any spite (an emotion of weakness) but I feel absolutely no care for him, I want to be untroubled by the needs and obligations of others.
He’s picking up on this and being very subdued and jumpy, so I’m just going to pour food and treats down him and avoid eye-contact so I don’t have to deal with trauma and messes everywhere for weeks to come.
Throat
Early this morning, half asleep and with horses still running through my head, I cancelled and rescheduled every commitment I have until the end of the weekend, my BF’s away on business so this is a chance for some peace and seclusion. It might cause problems, but I find it hard to care.
I managed some black coffee at about 10.30am, taking notes and mulling over the things I saw – I called on Azi Dahaka who’s not really been absent since last night, and he bit deeply into my throat charka.
The venom was a cloudy blueish-grey with a slight off-tinge of yellow overlaid, and it flowed down the outlines of my body like the seams on a dress or corset, lines and planes and angled.
I understood that it related to the communication we send to others via appearance, our physical external self, and the way we manipulate and control the interactions of other by the way we style our clothes, our hair, even our bodies – people make assumptions about us from our weight, height, even (with women) the size of our breasts. Body language as well.
I did some work on this, on examining the impressions I like to give, deciding I was basically happy with them, accepting other things that I don’t care enough to change, this was pretty much just personal stuff, although on analysis it’s an interesting inversion of the love & light ideas that your throat chakra is about honesty, openness, etc – this is the opposite: calculated manipulation and making sure people see what you want them to see.
It ties in with the idea demonic forces are responsible for women wearing cosmetics, though as far as I know men wore them too (to prevent eye infections and parasites) throughout much of the middle east in the past.
Heart
This was quick – plunge in, dark reddish-brown fluid that darted like living tiny lizards throughout every channel in my body, the little pointy lizards that weave from side to side as they move – Azi Dahaka says, “This heals all wounds of time, patience, faith, courage, hope, and youth’s tenderness” – that is to say, all wounds caused to me by “good” emotions and by doing the “right” thing.
This built on the changes I started feeling from last night – now, thinking of grief, I’m aware of only the selfish pain of losing people who were bringing me good things, people who put me first – thinking of love and friendship, it’s a transaction: what’s in it for me, is it worth the price I pay.
I don’t care about anyone right now, only Azi Dahaka fascinates me and I find his presence compelling, because he has more of what I want. I don’t love him, or like him, but I want him beside me and around me to delineate my outlines, to be at the places where I stop, so I can enter them and become them when my tenderness, fears, and limitations are completely dissolved.
Other notes
I lost interest in food after starting this yesterday, this morning I can only face black coffee with a raw egg yolk stirred in, and some ridiculously sugary cakes I wouldn’t normally even think of eating (gluten free stuff with dried fruit and rice starch, un-food by my normal standards).
AD has warned me to avoid milk completely, even tinned milk, avoid all bird and animal meat (this surprised me), avoid green vegetables, anything that has bathed in daylight, and instead to go with things that have had the least of the glare of light upon them, so I’m using yolks in place of milk, maybe make something with potatoes later, and the only protein that doesn’t disgust me is tinned fish.
I’m keeping the curtains drawn and although I don’t imagine it would be a problem, I want to stay out of sunlight, though I might go out after dark for more eggs and stuff. I’m not turning into a Hollywood vampire, but I don’t want to lose this crescendo.
I asked about the chakras below the muladhara and AD has said he will envenom those, as well, but that the ones above the crown belong to the opposite forces and he can’t touch them.
So, this has kind of taken over today and probably through to the end of the weekend, I don’t want to go out in this state because I normally have a friendly chat to my neighbours and I have nothing to say to them, and they’ll probably notice something off about me.
I think that’s it for now: altered state of consciousness and stuff, as the saying goes “it is what it is” and I am bloody loving it!
(This is copy-paste with edits from my own notes, but I evidently still really care about paragraph breaks and formatting a wall of text with subheadings - how cool is that?! Lose all your human tenderness, and only the important things remain… lol)