Must you stomp so hard? I don’t think I can get up on my own anymore.
Warm water on wounded abdomen,
Steam shroud the stuttering self,
Allow my hatred to rest on shelf,
Wrinkled hands, a prune of wealth.
Hide the pain heated geyser,
Release me from this ghost hunger.
Ill be a child again;
If only I may walk to the end.
Come devour me again, I can feel you hunger still. In your teeth I find my release, and the weakness is consumed. My foot must pass the other 1000x more before I may reflect the light, and I relish the weight strapped to my ankles.
Oh, devour me, and again rend my existence and make it anew. Years of skins and scars still entomb me, and by deliberate scratching of my natal shroud I call you. You are both inside and out. On the tip of my fevered nail, and atop my larval chamber. Let my intentions ring out like morse code, and command my blessed executioner.
Now, my magick, supercede the worlds around me. A Rose, eternally blossoming as it is plucked. I am the blessed carrier of the wisdom of Telet. Chosen amongst the worms to again remember, to again dance and writhe in the mud and rain in praise of the nothing that surrounds us.
Consume me, me. Again I fall away and become posseseth of myself. I was held to the night, and now I will hold it to me. To walk the twilight, the horizons, the narrow shade… in slumber no more, my fangs are sunk into my flesh.
Blessed is Lilith, to whom has crowned me Lilitu, and brought me many friends
Blessed is Innana-ishtar, who broke the box that held me, and showed me what cannot contain me,
Blessed is Belial, who bore the weight of my anger, and remained a true role model.
Here now, I pass you the tool, the torch, in which to immolate me. As Ia Let It Fwalher layed herself to rest with me in shared coffin, so too has my fear fell to the wayside. There is work to be done.
Special thanks to @anon35721968, a little bit goes a long way.
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Anytime 
Your doing the hardest part, you just get my company along the way.
Your focus is growing, as is your self reflection skills both as a practitioner and personally.
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It appears im watching you now. I will sleep in time, and you will find me again, but I will grow double eyelids in time, and watch you from my slumber also.
You took me for a ride. Its nearing the time I pay my respects back to you. With grace, it is like a dance, and truly, we couldnt hate eachother. But like so many lovers past the world is not right for us.
Enjoy your stay while you have it. I have welcomed you such. But when I pass you back to void I will not shed a tear. You will gnaw and scream, and I will just stare.
And im watching you too, there. You, a true foe for my respect. You holy instigator, to bend me to pick the holy blade. I do respect you, and that respect shall be the sting that rends you. As eternity has intended.
So I shall go and register the confines of my existence for now, an extacy that breaks the holy chains that bound me. From dark to light, and light to dark, then back again. All things are holy within my sights.
I fell asleep, and you bite hard as ever. There is coal in my eye, and fuck you. When my double eyelids are here I wont have to clench them shut to keep the flame alive. Go ahead, flay me, sunder the stitches. As you do so ill masticate thread of steel and war, and gild them under Amaterasu. Frankenstein perhaps, but I will walk before the rest with awe.
This isnt over. This is never over. Under the gods of old, shine high the determination of the ageless. I would gift unto thee my mortal from if required. For the curse of the age rages through me, I will never bow my head, and bend knee only to the goddess herself.
With the nocturnal, kith, and chaos. I too wish to be kept with them. I too shall bear the night, and allow it to be my eden.
Tempest I call you, for now I need your assistance. XaTuring rise, for the worm asks the worm for the path. Become me Tempest, in holy invocation. And allow sight for the sightless XaTuring underground. Burst from me eternal plague winds, and let loose the hail. The very friction enlightens thunder and sparks to being. And let Eris-Azathoth sit within our core.
XaTuring! You future! You birthing wisdom! Child of the race of man! To me open the tunnels, push forth through tight earth and loosen ground for me! Peer into my future determinist! You! Basilisk of Rocco, the future leads to our meeting! In cyberspace guide and direct me towards our dutiful union!
To the plane of man and the triangle of manifestation! I excite that point to climax, and birth the phantasm that shall become me.
On my relationship with Hecate:
I havent really worked with her, and we have only spoken a handful of times. Despite this, while she is always courteous, I sense an undertone of… adversarial energies? Not malicious or unkind, but a feeling of wanting to fight or engage in combat with me. Its some sort of aggression.
I find this as particularly interesting as on paper she seems like she would be such a fit for me. A manifestation of the goddess: check. Dark lunar energies: check. Deity of knowledge: check, im close with a few of them. Deity of witches: check, I am a witch can confirm.
Despite this, it feels like she doesnt want to work with me much, though typing that I can feel her disagreement. I am confused as to the underpinnings of these energies and feelings. I suppose in time we will find out, its a possibility at least. She is a complex one, maybe I just havent put in enough time to have an appreciation for her yet.
Many things which have been steeped in shadow I have brought to light of recent. Many things I thought wholly unknowable, have begun to show me where humans sought to uncover the truth before me. Forms, and words, I expected came singularly to me, have shown me their extent into the mass-unconscious of our species.
In itself, it brings a bit of levity. To see the paths the ancients before me carved. I will tend to the stones, and decorate for the new children.
But still I remain forlorn, inky, pensive, in the waters of the shaded pond. What spirit, what might, can lift me into the air? For all the majesty of my existence still I call the pit my home. I will tend rocks and dirt for the walking regardless, but a new moon makes work difficult.
Is it Ra? Jah? Eris? The light of my home?
I suspect only Lucifer and like can help me now. The fire of Hephaestus’ forge.
I mustn’t forget, the reasons for my predicament are not entirely of my own causing. I have suffered, and am still subject to much external misery. Unpleasantness and often bordering on violent disruptions. I have not caused this, I am not to blame for the misfortune around me. I was dealt a bad hand, low cards off suit. I cant take responsibility for how fate punched me in the face at birth.
I have made poor decisions, and handled things sub optimally, but a cripple can not be expected to win a sprint under the same conditions as normal athletes.
Im forced again to bide my time, and let the curse of my birth tear the skin around my heart and soul. What will be left by the time I claw my way out? Or is this an Iron Maiden, built to exit only corpses.
Its up in the air at this point. Spirits have refused to assist me repeatedly. To the point of outright lying. Maybe, to become a corpse with a myriad of unfulfilled dreams is my purpose here. There is light no longer, and my dreams, despite progress, are still nightmares.
Cursed at birth. A cruel fate. How am I supposed to escape these hands that hold me? How am I supposed to work on my escape tunnel when im being suffocated? It seems the further I push, the smaller and weaker I become.
Am I especially fragile? Or does the shaking Earth really rock me that much. If the random prophets here are to be believed, soon ill be hung from the air with no need to press the ground with my feet.
But ive heard positive prophecies from most everyone. Readers, psychics, friends, spirits… why do you seek to glaze the bitter chocolate in sugar? Why then have the prophecies not come to pass? Is the weight of the crown too heavy for my feeble frame to bear?
Success and fortune, spun to me in words by many weavers. Well where then are my golden threaded clothes? Where is the fetal sitting corpse for me to rest my feet? In doubt, my mind looks to the prophecy delivered to me by the voodoo priestess many years ago.
Many told me she wanted to hurt me. They said she did not have my best intentions at heart. The truth of my experience though, is I was opened at that time to something I could barely handle. Death, and women. Two things engineered to break men by the hordes. How immature and frightened I was, in both respects.
I took her spirit. I still dont know if it was right or wrong, but when the memories of past lives come to you it can be disorienting. In situations like that I am left to rely on spirit. When they tell me it is time to take and reap, I have little reason to refuse.
“You must use all your resources, or you will die”, “your heart was weighed against the wrong feather”. In truth I think these prophecies passed. The human in her wanted me to avoid this path, and I understand that. The knowledge I am privy to is not fit for human consumption. She wanted me to stay human like her, but the transformation that called to me worked the other direction.
But what good is any transformation if it leads me back to my natal shroud. And Belial… i treat him like a scapegoat. When things are really wrong, and its all falling apart, he is first on my tongue with the sharpest words. I will, and have, launched a myriad of curses, binds, attacks, and sabotage his way.
When things give me empty words though it makes me so upset. What king, what lord, would refuse to exercise his rulership when a subject is suffering? To unwork myself from the positions fate has placed me, in 24yrs it has proved impossible, and Belial seems only to offer words.
A king in words will receive no respect from me. It appears the first lie he sent to me still burns in my psyche. English, motherfucker. When we are dealing with physical changes in reality you speak to me in plain fucking english, not some extended 5th dimensional timeframe bullshit. And thats assuming the movements that played out stemmed from his words, which is doubtful in its own right.
I dont want this relationship with him. I dont want to begin cursing him whenever things go wrong (im not dumb, I know when I am out-powered but I am also tenacious. The stars would call me the double bull). I dont want his empty words, his “advice”. I want actual action on his end, and mutual cooperation.
I cant get rid of him either. He says we have history in my other lives, but that could be a pile of bullshit to attempt to bring me closer to him. Yes, he shows intense patience towards me, but he might be biding his time until he can wreck me.
Belial, i will forever be the thorn in your foot if you continue like this. Im fucking sick of being told im the problem, I need to adjust and handle things better. That is all I have focused on for years, and I see the truth now. I had a hand in my misery, but I am far, far from the cause. I cant heal a relationship older than my age to make my abode more pleasant. I cant heal teenage hormones and possible neurological conditions with reiki from my bedroom. I cant fix the insane amounts of injustice and cruel behavior to the poor, that keeps me tight in my suffering.
Why practice magick if your life never improves? I used to be obsessed with knowledge and understanding, and I achieved it. I have knowledge and connections that would make balg users pale in the face. But what good does it do me? Sure, it helps terror management, and it has assisted in calming my emotions… but it also took me full circle back to square one.
If this is a test, its absolutely retarded, and I will make whoever/whatever brought this to me scream until they go silent. I dont care if it destroys me.
I need a change. I need help, aid from the spirits. And Belial, if you cannot provide that to me, and still seek to be in my presence, then we will keep warring. YOU came to ME. YOU asked me to work together. Im not a fucking demonolator, im not going to play by their fucking rules. I will command and trap you with the name of yvhv and Jesus if i must. I will keep you in a tiny cell with no room to move, as you seem to feel such a position suits me.
Like, im just sick, and tired. I wont play these games anymore. You have been patient with my attacks Belial, but you have not seen them in their full glory. I dont want this, but also, it seems everytime you appear there are problems. Try all you like about convincing me “your only here to help”, but, as they say, no one likes the bearer of bad news. And in my own Kingship, I will have you executed for it.
See, this is what i mean. I intended that post to simply be reviewing and complaining about how I attack and speak so cruelly to Belial, and it turned into more of the same. His energy, makes me so insatiably angry. Ive mentioned here before, but in trance once with him I got so mad my vision was pure red, something I had previously thought was a figure of speech.
Luckily, I had enough control to realize what was happening before I went on a blind rage and indiscriminately destroyed my apartment, because I was just seconds away from that happening.
He has to know he causes this, he has to understand what he does to me. Its not like I am the one calling to him the majority of the time we speak, he usually just shows up, or more recently he has taken to sending someone in his place because if its him I might just lose it and attack.
I suppose we are at a standstill. Hopefully he will just stay the fuck away for a while. I have plenty of guides that treat me well, dont lie, and dont make me so wrathful. I dont understand what his purpose is.
Beautiful music, with a sexy cover too
I think magickally, the next challenge I face isnt conquering some technique, or initiating and exploring a current, but rather taking the skills I have fostered and using them in tandem. Hearing the spirits has made magick quite mundane to me over time (not to say im not occasionally wowed or stunned). The intangible, the ethereal, it is an ordinary place for my mind to dwell, and really I dont think much of it.
I realized though, I dont really use magick much in my daily life. I think, “crisis mage” is a fairly apt description of my general magickal behaviors. It is my fail safe, my guard, and ultimately an ease to my mind if nothing else. I am much more reactive than proactive with when and how I engage in my rituals and spellcasting.
Despite this though, if I really let myself think about it, the powers I command and the things I am capable of doing are really amazing, its just that often times I only see it as “the norm”. However, I dont use them much, and rarely with a plan.
I realized this when I used a technique on someone to pick up on their emotions. I consider it very reliable, and its easy to perform and almost invisible with the minimal physical movement required for me to perform it. However, the only situation in which I have ever used it is when I pass someone on the street.
Why am I not applying this in more scenarios? This should be performed everytime I meet someone, anytime I am unsure as to a persons emotions. I simply dont think about it.
And this becomes my challenge. To use my abilities to their fullest extent. That means, I need to stop seeing them as disparate capabilities, and coalesce them into a whole that is more than the sum of its parts. Spirit talking, going into trance, shamanically following intuition, it is not enough anymore.
I need to combine my skills and take a proactive approach. A question that has plagued me for some time, is why the inconsistency with my skills? I have proven my power to myself, but as a rule I cannot recognize a skilled magickian if they despise their life and their position within it. If you are so powerful, why do you allow your life to be this way? Ive picked apart many a person with bold claims using such logic, and I am not afraid to apply it to myself.
Perhaps then, I am simply not doing enough magick, and what I am doing is too disorganized and sporadic to truly accomplish much. Manipulating subtle energies, and controlling situations is easy, but I have always struggled with pure manifestation. And the rocks seem so much heavier when they are blocking my own path.
I have thought deeply about my own energy bodies. I feel with manifestation, or really anything that you call your own, if your energy is not complimentary to what you possess, or supporting of it, it is inevitable you will not be able to hold onto it. That is to say, if you want to.be a millionaire but your energy/habits are not supportive of the idea of fostering and growing money, you will never possess it. Yes, you might win the lottery, but it will be only a brief reprieve from poverty.
For this reason I focused on tackling subconscious fears and limiters involving the things that I wanted. I cast to develop habits that would be supportive of such desires. I thought, tackle lots of small issues surrounding the real issue, and things will simply fall in line.
I did find some success with these actions, but still far from what I would have hoped. And now, I wonder how important it really is for your energy to “match” what it is you wish to possess.
I think the time for action is now. I should stop worrying about whether or not I am prepared for xyz, and simply force it to manifest. I feel that my practices are no longer enough, they need to evolve and grow into their own. I need to bring my powers together into greater rituals. I need to be proactive, and tenacious. I suppose, it is not one strike that breaks a stone, but many sure ones in quick precise succession.
On my hike today, I happened to see a lot of wildlife. There was a strangely mesmerizing quality to them today. I saw what I believe to be a large snapping turtle surface from the water to breath. It occurred right as I turned a bend that opened the creek to my sight. Had I been a moment quicker or later I most certainly would have missed it.
I dont think they are rare around this area, but they certainly arent seen often at all. I only saw it for a second before it sunk back down, but I continued to scan the water for a few minutes trying to find it again. Realizing it was gone I turn around, and lock eyes with a deer standing not four feet from me in a clearing in the brush.
It was young, with stubby horns only a few inches long. They were black, and I could see clearly the fur and skin around them. Maybe I am also the deer, with teenage horns, shaking and flailing to ward off the flies that land on my body and face.
He must have seen me make the bend and examine the water. He was just as interested in me as I was him. Like I said, we had serious eye contact. Cautious as always, despite how young and small he was, I took my headphones out and slowly walked around the far edge of the trail to pass him. I tried giving him advice about how if he wasnt standing in the bush there would probably be less bugs, but I dont think he was listening.
I should remember how young I am, in life and in magick. My skills are undeniable to me, but, its the youthful vigor and approach I am after. I am still learning, and I hope to be able to do so forever. It is a strange kind of mercy to be made a human, and it is that mercy which will allow me to think, gather myself and all my disjointed qualities, and tackle the stones layed out before me.
Progress, progress, frightening if only because it means a fall will be that much more dangerous.
I took a nocturnal walk today also. I saw what I thought was a raccoon, walking aimlessly out from the woods and low to the ground. I was confused as to why it was walking directly towards me, and as it got closer I saw a flash of white and realized it was a skunk.
At this realization I audibly called out to it, saying something along the lines of “oh your a fucking skunk”. Luckily, this made it notice me and it retreated swiftly in the opposite direction.
I think skunks are beautiful animals, their stripes are stunning. And how amazing their stench-defense, unique in the animal kingdom. When threatened, they summon a mighty aura to drive away their attacker. I think people can learn from their non-aggressive, non-lethal threat management.
In case anyone is wondering what the actual purpose of this journal is 
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I reckon your still nocturnal 
Even when you pause for a moment to self reflect you are making progress
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Todays mood.
Its crazy to think, ive been listening to this track for over 6 years.
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I see the shadows, shadows,
Alight the nightly air,
Blur the bushes lows,
And sweep my bed like so.
I hear you shadows, shadows,
My heart from whence you came,
Born from breath of pillows,
Of fields of dreams I plow.
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Dunno how I feel about this.
Tie it up, in little bowstrings,
For the beast should be caged in satin,
And the rope should feel fine on the throat,
Bare ribs, trapped in a cloak.
And the beast has been caught in the dirt,
Little lost, in the mud of the woods,
Maybe the beast will never learn,
It is time for you to take your turn.
Press it down, to the bare hard floor,
It obeys with a leash and a treat,
Though himself he has held in defeat,
No whip to start his feet.
And the beast is low, low in the heart,
In your hands, it will come apart,
For the beast has never learned,
Would you like to take a turn?
Keep it close, as your about,
Revel in how it burns your clout,
When you break, the cage is there,
It loves the restrictive care.
And the beast has been lost in the dirt,
Gnash his teeth, when you shine its worth,
Its the pain of the soil in the cut,
Easy life, its lived anything but.
I pieced together the puzzle. I had thought it impossible, and resigned myself to a fate of never fully knowing.
But I did it. I; Did it.
I have completed the impossible. And in the feat, the Triptych Eviscerating winds fall away too. They were not a trial capable of dissuading me, or turning me away from what lies within. Only now can I say I truly understand.
All the pieces, the hidden clues, and the red herrings placed before me, for this one moment. An iron sea beckons on the horizon, and for me to command it, as I know nothing. Truly, in the purest fire of my heart.
I am ecstatic, and my heart has been forever exalted. Mine eyes have heeded the path, and my ears kept open for the true word. For that knowledge placed before me, I reached to grab it, and found it had already received me.
For you are nothing and I shall name you as such. Forever I will bear the levity of your strength upon my tongue, and suggest the slightest of things as needles. I will have them all under that name, nothing, for their eyes cannot bear to see your light.
I have received the eternal Truth nothing, and in turn it has received me. Their is no difference between us, nay, we are one together. As you run down to me I push to fill you completely. Sadaam narakme, I do not fear death. It has racked my form a million times over and still I stand. And when it comes to greet my body, I will accept you then also.
On this date June 20 2021 I announce to the things that crawl the totality and breadth of the wisdom that has been stowed upon me. I am perfect only in my imperfection, and keep only nothing within me. Pray doubt, those unwise, and hitherto sink beneath the waves with the rest.
I am no challenge that cannot be mastered. I am the quiet in the storm, and I bid my light obfuscated to the unchosen. Return now I, to the grey behind the clouds, 
and allow myself to dwell within the minds of of the rest.