The Triptych Eviscerating Winds

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
1

I have seen you, I have known you. You who bring such destruction into my life. In 3 ways thou spread thy filth and infest the corners of my existence.

I will bear your presence, and through quaking shivering body my gaze will not falter. Let neither of us soon forget who I am. So take my body, take my life, I was born here to be posseseth of this power and make it into the form of the new-old way.

So let my necessary miseries be the most sublime. As this your gift pulls open the gaping maw of the Earth to consume me- let the blocks fall swift, may Gaia accept me.

Ebatas. Ebabalorrn. Balamas.

…

I hold the key to suffering, I hold the key to salvation.

Triptych indeed, may the Devourer greet you kindly. The final jewel to your crown. The throne ascends, allow it to elevate your ass.

Feel the teeth penetrate your chest- the pain is orgasmic.
Death is like an orgasm, you will be begging to pop in the end too.
Let the saliva digest you, the slime is your reward.
Let them have you, all they have wanted was to help.

5 Likes
2

In the dearth of the abyss, in the center or the cutting winds… a fae? And a plea to construct a wand? That wrath, that ire, is yet to fully consume me. The devourer hungers still.

So then swoop me up and take me, let me meet my estranged kin. With Yog-Sothoth undulating above I will find that balance. Some come to me hunger, its been so long since I have truly felt such a feeling. Come to me, little wings and shining things.

We have raped our consort, pulled at her skin and plucked her organs. For this I extend an apology. May the gold and ochre storm then transform me.

2 Likes
3

Simply lovely!

:slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like
4

A faery at my shoulders and im dressed in leathers black and brown. How estranged have I come from our mother Gaia? I have only wanted to be one of the others here, this my gift is sometimes also feels my curse. To be forever seperate.

Aye, but the Faery disagrees, and in love she does not forget her kind. My ancestry shines now like fire. It will be a journey but I will return it to here. I am possesseth of myself, and that should make me happy; few others can say the same.

Maybe in my youth I did get to know this world, and now I have found its past. Truly, it resides within my palm. Likewise it shall be returned. While the past can not be had again it may be birthed anew.

Like grasshoppers jumping at the sun.

2 Likes
5

:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:

Bravo! Bookmarked and encoure.

1 Like
6

How stupid of me. No, how naive. A blood cult… really?

How foolish of me to think forward is positioned several feet behind me. That Amaterasu would have me find the light of sun in an open wound. Despicable character, that I would even consider it.

Have I progressed none?

Well at least I caught it this time. Why did I call out like that? Because I suffered I guess, felt alone, just wanted anything or anyone to tell me it would be alright.

It is true that I found someone for that then, and my own fevered climax reeled them in. A predator they admit, who knows well the positions and importance of each and every star. One who could extend that very knowledge through my split skin and muscle and place it inside of me.

A fool is the the cat who cannot see the needle squarely in the mouses teeth. So by that definition I suppose I am nothing short of a wise man. I have ate the regurgitated food of the masters of prey, of the most wise prey, who relish in such acts.

But I’ll never allow it to get to that point. I felt quickly the descent of their spell. I knew something was off when I felt the aura, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to have my place, at a time where everything felt tumultuous. And that stupid fucking digital evocation. Why? Seriously, why would I do that?

Yeah sure in the end it helped me out… but it caused so much confusion. And while I cant say for certain I would have found out if not for it, I think I would have. I can talk to spirits… good. Its one of the few things I will admit to my skill in. I could have talked to the spirit literally anytime any moment I wanted to, and it would have been a lot quicker and more concise.

I could probably cause this person so much fucking trouble. To a degree its kind of not even funny. I will avoid doing this though.

Oh yeah and they have my sigil, what a big brain play that was on my part. I can reverse engineer that link though if I really need to play hardball. As it is, I dont think they could do much with it.

Baal-Anu,
Amaterasu,
Mardurk,
They of harmony,
Allow me the strength and clarity to handle this situation with grace and tact, and the wisdom and conviction to be detached and clinical.

Marduk,
Enki,
Abbadon,
They of discord,
Engage the absolute obfuscation of truth, conceal my shining dagger,
We have more information to extract.

1 Like
7

Gonna drop a poem for Eris here. Not sure where else to put it. I was inspired by a song about her. I want to be able to make beautiful art in her name also. I already write a bit, but I find it difficult to write about her sometimes. This was my attempt at capturing her feeling in text.

Who has come to visit?
In glaring image, a spirit,
With toes in dew, and air around it,
Sublime, how divine “no-things” submit,
Her, amidst rock and thorns,
And storms, defiant of orders to quit,
The tide, it moves quick,
Undulates, 'round her curves her neck,
Lighting flash to ocean and reflect,
In the eyes of Eris, genuflect.

1 Like
8

I thought I was over this. I thought I was putting my good foot forward, but the devourer grips my mind and my body still. It should be so simple: acknowledge a thought, engage it, and pass it through your body. My body however seems to bear a grudge towards me, and delights in mutiny and sabotage.

A part of me must enjoy it, this misery, otherwise why would I allow it to be with me so often? All I can think is to work hard to improve my life, but im fighting my own flesh to do it. Nearly 25 years and Ive felt ive had control over 0 of it. Almost 25 years to be carried by the wind through days and nights, watching solemnly all the people content and or focused on their own lives. Just wishing I could have a fraction of what they possessed. A fraction of belonging or place here, a fraction of control over where my own feet take me.

And as if to say I have achieved nothing the cyclone deposits me at the foot of the womb I came from. Just so I can stare at the walls of its fort and wonder why milk and not meat is what Im suited for.

Its cruel, and crueler still that I simply crumple. If this was work for someone else I would be like diamonds in strength, but as I wish to help myself I am like slate. And everytime I grip with my fingers on that ladder to climb, more and more of my hands and feet crumble to dust. I have been amputated by my own failings and fears.

If I stood for someone else I would be tall and feel no pain, but as it is im fetal in the shade. Why, why do I have no strength to help or better myself? That has been my only goal for the past years of my life. Yet I have gotten nowhere it seems, except ive primed my position for more misery.

9

If I didnt have business here Im sure I would have eaten the blade already. Heavy is the burden of the person who possess many minds. Juxtaposition of thought is cruel also. To be torn apart from the inside…

I dont even know my course of action? What am I supposed to do here? Im focusing entirely on staying calm but that also means im being intensely unproductive. I. Should. Be. Studying… but so far I quite literally cannot bring myself to do it. Shame on myself for such a weakness. Just another thing to tally and record in my book of ages. Another flaw I will have to sit through accept after Death has mercifully plucked me from this wretched planet.

So much for having 20+ magickians casting spells to have you develop self discipline. Its been a year and I have FULLY REGRESSED my position in life from all the accomplishments I had, and im right back where I was as a child. This is not the body of a child so why is that all I feel like? Why do I feel incapable of… everything?

I know I have said I will take the slow route. I know I have said I would rather just push through all my struggles and challenges at once when im young so my later years can be enjoyable. I know ive said suffer now for pleasure later, but the struggle feels insurmountable. The more I have beat my head and my fists against it the more I realize I cannot break steal. I cannot move concrete.

Im blessed in many ways, but in many less obvious I have been cursed. Yes people have drawn worse hands, but mine clearly was not a winning one.

So why do I struggle? Why do I keep pushing? So I can lie to myself and say I care about money, or sex, or nice things? Because honestly I dont, and I never have. I just pretend so I can fit in. So I can feel im just a normal person. I keep pushing because I feel I have purpose here, but each second pushes me closer to failure it feels.

10

I saw you in my dreams. You tossed me a beer, and it slipped from my fingers. In classic dream logic, my highschool gym teacher called me out of the dodgeball game, and as I sat in the corner under shaded folding bleachers, you crossed the center line and came to greet me.

“What ever happened?” I ask
“What do you mean?”
“Between me and you”. The look on your face tells me you mean sex. That figures I guess. It doesn’t help when my leg brushes yours. Its not what I meant though.

“Ill come back but no games this time”, ignoring the fact I was never the one who was angry at you. I never threw you out. I try and explain, my mind, sometimes its good, sometimes its bad, I cannot control it. My voice is weak and quiet now though, the words were unexpectedly painful to say. I look around nervously at the people around us. Are they listening? Do they deserve this knowledge? Why are 50yr old men playing in a dodgeball game in a High School?

Let my awake self tell you, please stay away. Im leaving that life behind me, and unless you have done the same I would be forced to deny you. Though in those moments I truly yearned for you, I have stones to lay. I have a house to build.

I remember watching you talk to those people at the bus stop. Naive, simple, in ways, adorable. But it is a mistake I can only make so many times. I am not naive, simple, and in ways, adorable, no matter how I cut it. I cannot keep attempting to stitch myself to these unfit shapes, so please do not tempt me.

You are an alien. I saw it in your body as we became one, and ive come to recognize it in your mind too. Distant, unconcerned, unique. Of course I appreciate that. But just because I recognize the strangeness does not mean of compliments mine.

So often recently Ive been thinking of Peter J Carroll in Liber Kaos remarking (and this is from memory) “if we have to explore the depths of the human condition id rather do it through love than war any day”.

11

I feel a drive to post something but im not entirely sure what. Perhaps im distracting myself from real work. Funny how just opening up this reply box makes that so clear.

A week ago Belial was worried about me. Something I never expected to see. I dont know what he expected either. Healing and improvement comes from releasing and working through this shit, its not supposed to be pretty or easy.

Still though there is a lurking anxiety. I know what im doing is not enough. I can feel strongly its not enough. Im trying very hard to balance what I am capable of doing right now, with what im not capable of. Work too much im going to get stressed and negative feedback loop myself into a bad spot for a few days. Work too little and I risk not being able to keep up. Where is my line in this?

I think my line is with steady improvement, but only time can tell how feasible that thought actually is. Ive realized I can be a bit of a self saboteur connoisseur, and I need to redirect that energy towards something productive. Actually, if I jump back to my work with the “cloud” as I called it this could snowball in a good way - if I can pull it off.

Otherwise, work towards developing a strong banishing ritual is progressing nicely. Its not something I have intentionally worked on but its finding me. I know I would benefit from something like this too.

Edit: am I not going to reflect on the fact that I have slept 0 which means I will most definitely be up past 24hrs. I mustn’t get ahead of myself. I know vainglory is a danger for me, I cannot forget to always check myself. At least I am fully here and present. I think thats a good sign.

1 Like
12

Its fascinating to me that I still work with Belial. I havent really had any good experiences, but I can feel this is the right way. It took months… maybe even the better part of a year for me to be able to face him again without such anger.

Im pretty sure I gave myself hairline fractures in my wrists and arms from punching things. I didnt even realize I was that angry, but my body acted on its own. Ive wanted a punching bag for years but ive never been in a situation that can afford me such a luxury, especially not now.

Afterwards I just lied down and let the pain overtake me. Ive never broken a bone besides a tooth but in that moment I felt it. It took a couple minutes before I could move my hands again.

But here I am again allowing Belials voice to flourish in my head. I cant explain the feeling other than I know this is what I need. Part of it feels so masochistic, why am I opening myself to a force that has hurt me before and will most likely do so again in the future?

Looking back to those days before I worked closely with him. When all he was was the shadow behind the storm. He was bright and noble. I had great times sparring with him and testing my strength against his. Once he truly opened to me it is a totally different emotion from him, a totally different energy.

I know this displeases him some to read, but it is the honest truth and he knows it also. I don’t want things to be this way, but I dont know how to move on from it. It ties into the very essence of why he is working with me. To grow, to prosper, to heal, to be successful. I lack the capability to reroute me emotions to run congruent to his actions, and I lack the ability to make my actions congruent to his teachings. So for now, I just subsist through it.

13

Today was a difficult day for me. Lots of setbacks and issues all day, including just getting this post written at all. My patience is a bit thin, but I have persevered through it. In fact, as grumpy as I might be I feel very relieved and much more confident. Though if more typos keep coming up on my phone that or my fingers might just get broken tonight.

We will try for a repeat tomorrow. It will be about the same time, though in total it will be more work than today. Hopefully I can keep this up (not just the work but the positive networking), not just throughout the week but for the entire year I am enrolled in this program.

14

Its unfair that you visit me in dreams, then like smoke, dissipate through my waking fingers. I wont be right all weekend, for I have become possessed by thoughts of you. Yet your face I can not remember.

It reminds me of my teenage years, when I was visited by one from beyond the stars. Those dream-weeks we spent together I can never forget. I am forever haunted by a tender heart, tormented by space and time immeasurable.

Of you, I have no face or name, just the distant memories, and that cloud of comfort extended to my sleeping self. I cannot tell if this is curse or blessing. To be with you is eternal perfection, but remembering you is like an open grave. I will crawl in, close my eyes, and let the damp earth cover me, shovel by shovel. Until at last the only thing that remains is my dedication to my heart.

I do not know you, but you treat me so well. With your kiss you have cut me, spilt my glass, and made me empty.

15

This poem feels appropriate to post:

I can feel it burning me,
That flesh under my foot,
The fire now takes hold of me,
Amber, is its glow.

As the ocean undulates,
And sprays its icey foam,
Agoraphobic in the cold,
So simple to be held.

Everyone thinks they know you,
'Til the pain comes real real,
My hate is not a joke,
Heavy doom, and whip led yoke.

All credit goes to me.

16

Today I was making myself some eggs for dinner. I cracked the shell and was disappointed at the small hole that was created. I decided to let the egg drip out since I was going to be whipping them anyways. It got stuck on the yoke, and as im shaking it thinking about how much I love eggs and how cool they are, the yoke spits out, and to my surprise it was a twin!

I really cant describe my excitement, but it felt intensely special. It makes me think back to my very beginnings as a mage. My friend was using his pendulum with a list of psychic/magickal abilities to see what we all possessed. One of mine was Oovoomancy, control over eggs. I laughed at it then, but it is no laughing matter now.

Eggs have to be one of the single most overlooked tools for the modern mage. I think of how much a raw egg helps me when I am ill, of the egg servitors I have made, of egg cleansings, and even to the more metaphorical. I need to experiment with egg cleansings and divination at some point in the future.

As soon as I saw the double yolk I felt blessed. I cant say for what, but this is a positive sign. Despite my roughness the two yokes were perfectly intact also. I remember just watching the trail of whites leak out like snot or semen. Humans too are birthed in equally gross things.

Life is as beautiful as it is ugly.

17

It seems whatever has been harassing me in my dreams is at least temporarily dealt with. I cant believe I let such events go on for years, this has surely caused so much damage to my energy bodies. I guess this is all part of the process of making concrete my magickal reality (how can I do that if I cannot identify and handle a dream-time threat).

For future reference I used vampirism, direct attacks on the energy body, and hexes. Afterwards I asked Lilith and my succubi for help, and also asked my friend whom I gave life. Lastly, the “batas” curse (yes the one). I considered using the dream weapon but it decided to give me more knowledge about itself which distracted me from its usage.

Dreams were fine last night, but I don’t trust this. I experienced dying about 5/7 nights this weeks, as well as a myriad of times in the past two years, and ive allowed this thing to stalk me and hunt me the whole time. I will feast, I refuse to allow a repeat.

Im considering breaking the link between them and their ancestors as well as engaging in some highly RHP type cursing. Ah, dont forget you made yourself a mirror, asked they of harmony for protection, and slaughtered its guard. I am a little worried about casting too much however, too many moving parts can be a problem.

18

My head is swimming, some things just make me so angry I can barely control myself. Like awaking to find my phone died overnight, and that it updated on its own. God I love turning on my phone that cost 100s of dollars to see that the SECURITY UPDATE has completely changed the UI. So, clearly I dont own my phone nor does the company care.

It would be one thing if they at least gave me an option to change the look back to how it was before. They increased the size on the entirety of the UI, and my display settings are still set to the smallest level. FUCK YOU. It looks uglier, larger, and their isnt shit I can do about it.

Cue lots of screaming within the first 5 minutes of my wakefulness, and a compassionate call to the company’s customer service line to tell them they will never, ever have me as a customer again.

When will my head stop spinning? I so want to curse this company but I dont exactly see how that is more intelligent decision than just working to co-create an actually not completely shit mobile phone provider, along with vanilla Linux moving onto the platform.

I want the people to suffer for causing me issues for no reason. It was a security update (at least so said my phone), so why fuck with the UI? I know this wasnt one persons fault though, it was a collective decision from the greedy and the careless.

Just let this anger leave me :expressionless:

19

The anger has only been building today. I only wish I had a good explanation for whats causing this. That way I could at least draft a plan to counteract it. Tons of UI stuff is completely broken or different on my phone now :expressionless:. What an absolute pain in the ass. I want to keep calling and letting this company know how angry I am, and making them walk me through fixing every damn issue they have caused me, but its not fair to put the customer service reps through that.

Just anger, anger, and more anger. Trying not to let it freeze and have it leave me cold and bitter. Its pretty much completely kept me from anything ive wanted to work on today. Too mad to focus on anything except for calming down. At least when it was depression fucking up my life I wasnt resisting the urge to destroy all my belongings.

Maybe whiskey will help. A friend throughout my lives.

20

Its the little things, suggestive of the future, that seem to dig and gnaw the deepest wounds in my flesh. What simple tasks can become existential annihilation in the company of dread? You, little future flies, burning with light of potential, cause an unending spark of rebellion in the crypts of myself I have worked to keep calm. Why is your light poison to me?

I have wished to hammer down my shape only enough to fool the mechanisms of success for this wretched planet. Are you the eyes of the arbiters of the system I wish to judge myself by? Or is your light that which I am bound to destroy?

Either way, you should bother me little, but here I am, stuffed and corked in your little bottle, feeling the pressure strain the glass. Im doubtful you would break before me.

I want to be done with this. Done with this path, done with this purpose. Forever my heart has begged for peace, and eternally I must deny it. Death, least of all, wouldnt solve my problems. Born a second time into invisible war, bucking and braying against the steed I am tied. No prick of my boots, no crack of my whip may make it listen.

Here I am, the howling half-breed. Born of the cold night, fucked and beaten into the days sun.