The Satanic Diary

[Zoclora]

Man where to start with this one. But I truly now understand what I have felt back on Wednesday and yesterday.

You see back on Wednesday I was getting ready for school. However I was super tired. I felt so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. But I got myself dressed and went out the door. It was here as I was going down the steps I was thinking “maybe I should just stay home today. I do need rest…” But then I felt…odd. It was like I saw everything through a movie of sorts. But my body just moved on it’s on. It was like I could think but my body was doing it’s own thing. I however was not afraid or worried. I felt Satans presence and knew he was doing something, most likely not wanting me to miss school lol.

Well yesterday happened and I was talking out loud (cuz you know we do that….). That’s when a realization hit me. You see at my new job there is a bunch of drama going on. For what ever reason people just can’t come to work (that is for others who can’t even take care of themselves) and do their job. So the over night shift basically just calls in and we as the second shift gets the shortest end of the stick. We are forced to stay (called mandate) to cover. So basically on top of the eight hours we do we have to stay up all night till seven in the morning. Well this got very very very old very quickly. I was on a literal verge to find a new job.

But then as I was talking I felt this feeling come to me. “Why would YOU let THEM win? Why would YOU let THEM take away this opportunity that YOU worked so hard for only in the name of drama? You want to become a nurse correct? Well show THEM that nothing is going to stand in YOUR way. Separate your self from their drama and work hard. Your efforts will be noted.”

I literally just stood there and I knew he was telling the truth. Why would I let some people that want to cry and *itch about some unimportant drama get in the way of my own dreams? Yes it sucks that I’m basically left with the bag open way to often and had to pull overnights on top of my normal shift. But I get what was told to me. This is going to be a tough time but if I see it though without any major complaints or drag myself into the mess a really good opportunity is right at my fingertips and I is hell to let them ruin it for me.

[Zoclora]

I feel I am going a bit further on my pathworking with him. As you may know I have had a post about Enki. It started really last year when I was slammed with what feels like memories. But it is now that I am starting to understand some. Though it’s still to early to say exactly all what it is. But I personally feel I’m on something.

Iv been drawn to reading more and more on Enki and have this feeling of something but not sure. But I’m hoping that it will help me either learn new magic or knowledge or help me remember stuff that I feel is buried in my unconscious mind.

When I learn more on this I will post it on here.

[Zoclora]

An update of sorts but not in the way you think. I am now getting further into my workings with Enki/Satan at this time and well it’s really fascinating.

At this moment I am going through yet another unknown element of my life that many of you do very often but for myself seems so…unreal. It’s like basically a experience that is wonderful and amazing but yet kinda…scary. I am sure it’s also Lilith but I feel his presence heavily around me right now that I am sure it’s mostly his doing. It’s so…scary to me because I never got it done. It feels like walking in a dream.

But anyways what I’m going through right now is the process of…getting my nails done. Yes my nails done. Many question why this be so scary and so out there. My life I never had the money or time to do anything really for myself. As I grew into an adult that freedom only diminished to where I’m just working. My free time and fun was an online game in my room or drawing and that’s really it besides some spiritual practices I did.

Now now it feels like that moment before you hit that threshold of what it means to be a independent adult. Not just it’s cons but pros too. So I’m just trying to take a breath in as I sit here, feeling his presence egging me on saying “Have fun. Relax. You are taken care of.” In a lot of ways this reminds me of the time I was in Las Vegas and went to Victoria Secret for the first time. The only difference is this feels like a gentle hand then feeling like a cat time a bath lol.

[Zoclora]

The end result

[Zoclora]

My mind feels a bit frazzled today as I’m battling one of my battles today. Iv been going through a rough patch on myself and my magic. It seems to be a pendulum that swings side to side. One moment I’m on it. I got it. Then it comes swinging my way and hits me in the face.

Yesterday morning I had a good talk to Satan and I told him “I am tired of feeling like this. I am TIRED of not doing something! Marking today I want to be better. I want to be the best I can be. The best version of myself but more. I remember in Las Vegas when I first started this path on how I knew there was more out there so much more to learn to know to be! In Las Vegas I made it my goal to be not just a grate magician but one that would continue far beyond when you get to that point that a lot stop at. I am not looking to simply please my worldly desires. I am seeking to please my soul with what it desires most and that is something that you can not find here alone. I have been an embarrassment to myself from that point in time and even now I am one to myself. How I have fallen from the path out of what? Because I feel I could not do it. But no more! I am no longer going to be that embarrassment! Today marks the day I will return to my studies as I did in Las Vegas. That drive and confidence but only to build on from that. I need to do and not just think now. And I shall!”

From that moment I felt a new born flame start to burn in my soul that was only a small spark but soon came to a small flame. It’s light only growing as I find my old hardheaded stubborn self. I went to do a reading in my path and I understand it now. Not only I have to grow this confidence which is equal to my own power from within with not just the knowledge I have already but the knowledge I will gain, but the actions that I am to make.

As I lay here I understand that every small action I make is a action that contains power behind it and with it can be something more. I’m starting to feel a bit of my old self now especially after doing up his altar some more. I know there is more work that is needed however.

When I went to bed I felt grate and I know I had dreams but don’t remember them very well. But when I got up I felt the center of my heart chakra (about a quarter in size) hurting. I know this pain well. It is a pain that you get when you have disconnected some from your path from the current. It’s like the current is the connection to your home. Your true home. And when you fall from it you feel like a fish that is lost and looking to get back into that river.

But after a few moments I felt this energy fall onto me from his altar (that is directly behind my bed). It felt like clouds descending from the tops of the mountains and over the valley. But I am that valley and his energy is that thick but light cloud. It felt so good and energizing. It was like cool water on your face in the morning or the warm sun hitting your skin in the early morning of the cold spring air. His energy then collected around me and I felt as if it was a safe space. A space that he made.

I closed my eyes and as I did I noticed as I focused on his energy it was like a cave or chasm. The very top where you see the sky was his energy. But as I descended into it I saw rock and some plants. But his energy was still around. Then what seemed like a good moment I reached almost to the bottom where water was pulled. I saw his energy stoped just before this last layer. At the bottom was fresh clear blue water and a light that wasn’t to bright or seemed to bother him. Honestly it reminds me of sun light but not harsh but very soft and peaceful. I felt then that the reason he stoped was not because of this light it is because this was my space he was giving me. A form of respecting me. But I felt my self drift up just a bit and felt his energy surround me once more like a cloud in the mountain tops. It was welcoming but also fascinating.

(This pic I took when I lived in Las Vegas. I fell in love with energy that was there and just how amazing the mountains felt.)

[Zoclora]

This is more so a rambling then anything, however I did do something amazing last night with Enki. Yes Enki and I will explain as much as I can on here.

Yesterday I was not well. My monthly came at a vengeful come back. So I called in from work. I needed that time for myself and to really have some time to think. I was in deep thought about my path and well myself. As of late I was revisiting a old blog thing that I used before I came on here. It is to say the least a ok place. They have grown more so broader in acceptance of other paths. So naturally this led to me thinking more on how far I personally came. Though I know I’m not perfect by any means and I know that not everyone is going to see eye to eye on my own beliefs and really that’s ok.

Last night I decided to do something with Enki. You maybe asking why am I just posting about him on here and not Satan. Well here is one of those things that not everyone is going to agree on and again that’s ok. But as I was told by him and other spirits, he basically is Enki. As I drew from my own experiences and what I felt from him it only makes sense to me. So last night I was thinking about more on divination and was pulled to use bones. However I do not have any or the money. So I was given to take some of his stones that I used to decorate his altar and make some basic rune stones.

This was kinda new to me. I tried using them in the past, always having a drawing interest in them. However I never felt much from my past set so I just left it as that. But when I got his stones and took a gold sharpie and started to make them I felt strong energy in them. I actually felt the stones telling me which rune to place on them. It was wild to say the least. A few I messed up on but the knowing that I had gotten such info was amazing and exciting. Now that I did that I found a problem. The stones were not polished to the point they were extremely shiny but they have a very smooth surface to them. So when I picked them up the sharpie slightly smeared off. Then an idea popped into my head. I went to grab my clear coat nail polish and used it. As soon as I did that I placed them on the floor to dry.

As I placed them I had this knowing to place them around my new friend in a circular manner that the last stone connects to the first so it’s a continuous loop. I felt this energy come from the skull to the stones and wow was all I could say. I haven’t felt such energy in such a long long time.

I then went to bed shortly with a presence I recognized but it had been so long since I felt him. It was welcoming and I quickly fell to sleep.

This morning I woke up extremely relaxed and honestly didn’t want to get up. But I had work and knew I had too. I checked out the stones and most were almost or were dry. I decided to try out a new type of reading. I would pick one card from my tarot deck and then use a pendulum to pick the tune stone. So the card I got was nine of cups and the rune stone I had gotten was Fehu. This honestly made sense to me. I was honestly shocked (mostly because I don’t know the runes by heart) and well getting this good of a reading already brought joy to my heart.

I decided to try another but this time only runes and I let the pendulum pick out the stones. My question was more so advice on how I can get to the carrier that would align with my soul best. Again the reading was pretty good.

After this I spent a moment with him in contemplation on well my life. This is where I started to contemplate on how my life is going and where it is. That is when I soon realized that much of my “programming” was there. The programming that is integrated not us at a young age all the way even through high school and to this very day. I start to question on some of my major life decisions that I have made for myself. I start to question is it really me that is wanting it or is it what people want to hear from me?

Well deep thoughts continued to come and go as I got ready and sat to eat some breakfast. I opened up the blog place that I go on to as of late to see a question of which had not been asked for so long but it still sparks a grate deal of divided opinions and feelings. Now I don’t want to get into the whole argument on such subjects but I wanted to voice my opinion as that was what the author was wandering.

This topic is about cultural appropriation. I basically gave my view on it which to boil it down is, it’s a grey area. To me as long as your respectful and come to this culture to learn and respect their ways and beliefs I see no harm on to spread knowledge. To me as well that if a god or goddess of another tradition, even if it is suppose to be closed, comes to you, you should look further into it. In my opinion the spirits and beings don’t look at it as we do here but in a broader view. Don’t get me wrong there is traditional practices that is in place for a reason but to me should not be a reason that a person who has spiritual ties and comes in respect to that culture and people and is a trusted person, should have the option to continue to learn about that path.

But unfortunately not everyone saw it that way. Despite me making it obvious that culture and tradition is important and I respect everyone’s opinion and reasoning behind this, I basically got bashed by one of the mods only because I had a different out look on this subject (even though others also agreed to this). At first I was a bit not happy at this. But then it dawned on me as I sat at work with thoughts coming into my mind, my practice and beliefs is just that and nothing more. I am not here to prove one thing or another to anyone. If there is people who get hurt to know that there is someone that thinks differently then that is them and should not affect me. I am not harming anyone and by definition am not doing such practice. So why should I take it to heart badly that a mod got a bit upset that I thought more openly on it? That I simply spoke and stated it is only my experience and that’s it?

With this more of an understanding came back to me about this morning and honestly what I have been reading on here and other posts. Our practice is just that. I know in the past I posted about some touchy topics that may or may not have came off as egotistical. I know I am not a perfect human being living this messed up and divided world we live in. And really for this it only brings me back to my inner child and my mind as one and how I was so connected to nature, the elements and spirits because back then I didn’t have Society telling me “No.” on something that comes from the soul. I simply just believed and knew what was really a experience of the other worldly and what is my imagination and even that was a beautiful thing that I am going to make it my goal to gain back.

So this spring I am going to spend it with Enki on healing myself in this area and bring back that understanding that I once had as a child. Will everyone agree?? No and I don’t expect so. But it is after all for myself and not to impress others or gain a satisfaction of a group of people praising.

This is definitely something I am learning, this dance of what to speak allowed and to keep in my personal notes. Being someone that never really had a big social life with other human beings and only really found companionship with nature, animals and spirits, to know what is ok to say and not ok is a challenge to me. One that I am looking to conquer and grow in confidence from.

[Zoclora]

Spring is now on a role where I live. Flowers are EVERYWHERE and I feel a change in the air. Not just because of spring but a shift of myself.

Last night I had a very interesting experience with him. Basically he came but when he did I not just saw but in a odd sense “smelt” him. It was odd because there was no scent but yet I knew what he smelt like. It was earthy and woodsy. I saw glimpses of a forest in the fall with yellows, reds, oranges and some greens. The bark on the trees deep and rich. Then I saw a winter scene with snow covered ground, pine trees and red berries. I also associate it with that warm wood smell like a burning log in the fire place. I then saw a river that twisted and turned around a rocky bank that was entering a large cavern.

I felt his energy around me as I was getting these glimpses. Then I grew sleepy and decided to go to sleep. But before I did I decided to meditate. So I listened to my normal meditation music with my quartz point. It felt nice but I soon had to go to sleep so I did.

After a few minutes I had a vision of him. But he was a goat form. I saw me in this white dress in front of him. We were in this large forest and he was siting on this large rock looking at me. I didn’t see what happened after that because I woke up.

Today as I was going to the store before work I felt his energy around me. It was quite amazing.

From there I went to work and I can’t help but to think about him even now.

[Zoclora]

Every since that experience I had with Satan I had taken a look back on my old posts that I had made in the beginning of my journey.

I see now that what I experienced then and most of my life was leading me to this path and it is now that it is becoming clear that I was ment to be on this path and on the right track.

I also took the time to look back at myself and how far I truly gotten and how much I have grown. You know the saying “You don’t know what you have until you loose it.”? Well I feel a good amount of us that practices magic knows this very very well. I came to this thought because as I grew I lost. I lost a lot in my life. Yes to grow and help pave way to a better more solid life but also things that I didn’t realize that was special and something to keep close.

But through this experience of loosing even the things that I needed to keep close to me I learned truly how grateful I should be and am. Though it is not something I want to let out to the world, though I feel like it lol, I am proud of what I do have now and just knowing what IS in store for me as well. It is exciting as well as something that keeps me at the edge of my seat because of simply the knowing of such grate things are in store if I just keep going.

That is one of the many things that Satan has taught me. To just keep going. Mistakes happen rather intentionally or not. It is a lesson we personally learned from and really it only is suppose to help us in the future.

That is basically my thought on this today. Just seeing that yes I made huge mistakes in the past but I have grown from them and know just a bit better now about myself, my weaknesses and strengths and that it self is truly a blessing to have.

[Zoclora]

You probably notice me going back and forth on calling Satan Enki and simply calling him Satan.

You see I had a good deep thought on this. Why is it that, even though they are the same person I still call him Satan. Preprogramming? Maybe. A simple habit that I got into in my early days of devotion to him? Maybe. But I feel there is more of a deeper reasoning to it.

Years ago way before I got even close to anything as this, I had a dream of calling to him. Of course at that time I freaked out do to my brain was basically still in the whole “demon bad” mode despite me as a individual, accepting the spirit as that and not based on looks. There is a part of me that was very aware that I did in fact use to do this type of magic in a life some time ago. But do to society and how we are raised, most of this (like 98.999%) got buried in me. But during that time one name did pop up and that was Satan. Some how both my unconscious and conscious mind have made a pathway with this name but in a deep soul meaningful way.

Other example I can give is how I really do such at lucid dreaming. The spirits tried different things to get me to wake up in my dreams. One is placing the ritual circle there in the dream. But my mind then goes to “Oh shit, what happens if I am caught?” And only try to either ignore it or hide it. Clearly more healing is needed there. However whenever I am in trouble or in one case I was lucid enough, I call out to him. I start to think about him. Even in dreams, like the recent one, I thought I was being kidnapped (again) so I mentally called out to him. Now not sure if it was my own strength or what but I got away. But during that time I kept thinking about him and felt security and safety. I am sure there was even a message for me in that dream from a radio that was playing. I believe I know what it means and really I am truly honored and over joyed.

But from all this I told him that the main reason I normally don’t call him Enki was because his name Satan has such a deep meaning to me personally that it goes to my soul. Not just the whole “advisory” thing but much more. It is a name my soul sings out, it is the name that my mind of no matter what state it is in says, thinks and feels.

His name is Enki but it is also Satan. But his name as Satan seems to have a bit more weight upon me (in a good way) that it is one of his keys I feel when used correctly, will unlock so much more of his mysteries that are laying in wait to be discovered.

[Zoclora]

This page of my Satanic Diary is going to be just a bit more personal then what I have posted before.

Monday marked the beginning of me officially living my life as my life. The reason? I did something that Iv been dying to do for the last 10+ years of my life.

A bit of a back story of myself. Just like most on here I never fitted into the “normal” society that I lived in. I felt like Bell from Beauty and the Beast, with her being different from everyone in her small town by her looking to a future that was TO different then what the society would accept as “good”. I was not a drug user nor was I out buying booz illegally. However I did drink some by my seventeenth birthday but it was with a trusted friend in his room.

Anyways I was nothing out there or trying to get attention I simply just wanted to wear what I was attracted to. That was an outfit a girl at my school in the seventh grade had on one day. I never saw such really cool and to me awesome looking clothing before. Such deep shades with different accents mixed with a traditional style such as a plaid skirt. So I had asked her where she got it from. She told me the store was called Hot Toppic in the mall. So excited I was, I asked my mom to take me to check out the store. So she took me to the mall. We walked until I saw it and when I did my heart dropped and I began to have an anxiety attack. Why? Not because I was scared of the clothing store, in fact I was drawn to its large doors that looked like something from the underworld like a moth to the flame. Something in me awaken that moment and I knew my mom would not approve.

I pointed to the store and she looked at me as if I was crazy. But she went in with hesitation while I faced my first experience that we grow to get use to or more like grow a thicker skin, judgment. My mom not to long latter talked to my grandmother and I could hear their conversation. “It’s just a phase. She will grow out of it.” My grandmother gently told my mom. She was worried what type of crowed I would attract because of my new found clothing interest. That’s when for the first time, I felt…. insecure about my choice of something I liked. But I carried on.

High school came and well we all know that it can be the incarnated ninth ring of hell there. Well to me it was. I dressed how I liked and found new ways to mix and match different clothing. I really didn’t get out much and if I did it was to the park. So I really didn’t have to much social interaction besides there. So as high school went on I looked to others for inspiration. Well no one ever told me that finding a inspiration in something would lead to one of your ultimate downfalls in life and lessons. Judgment. “Poser” They say. “Your faking it.” They say. “Stop trying to fit in. We all know your just faking it for attention.”

Word after word hit me and after my three year ex left me, what support I did have did too. I then tried to change my clothing why? Because I started to doubt my own likes. “Maybe they are telling the truth.” Despite me loving my dark clothing especially Emily The Strange, my mom talked me into giving it all up. So I did. I felt it was no point especially because I was just working. No fun really. Just home and work. So my clothing attire was uniforms and old shirts that I had since high school.

That was my life for years. Always attracted to dark but beautiful things. Such elegance and majestic beauty to be found in the shadows. But I dared not to go any further then to just dream of one day, maybe one day to be just myself. To be able to finely take the beasts clawed hand in the dance that he offered to me. That I no longer had to deny myself to enjoy myself, the self that no one wanted me to know exist. Why? Because it went against Society that was around me and their conservative ways that they chose to live and follow.

Now I just finished putting on a little bit of makeup and looked into my mirror with this thought. “I can now finally be me. I am free.”

Something as simple as hair color or a shirt may seem minuscule to a lot out there but to some like myself it means a ton.

Satan as well as Lilith and many others has helped me get to this point. It is a step forward and with it more to come. It is not easy breaking that barrier that your so use to living behind. That outward costume you put on just to survive. Being free a lot would say “Oh once your free it’s easy!”

But no it’s not. In fact it’s scary because for the first time you are now looking at the real you, a complete stranger that you pushed back into the darkest corner of your mind because you were told “You are not that.” So now being (mostly) free, you only truly have yourself now. With that you are forced to look at your self and all of who you are in the eyes each morning, each time you glanced at a reflection of you, only to see someone that looks like you but is not truly you. The you that you know is no longer there and now that the real you is out your forced to go back to square one, the very place that should have been taken care of as a child, as a teen, and figure it out. Yes there is professionals but even they can only do so much.

It is the time that all of us will come and face sooner or latter. It is one of the most frightening of times yet one of the most beautiful to ever experience. So now I look up to the beast with a warm smile and take his hand and to him I say “Let us dance…”

[Zoclora]

Man how to even start this post on here. It seems I went full circle and now am back to point A but with a somewhat better prospective.

Lord Satan or Enki has made a come back in my life. Well not exactly a come back as he never left just took a step back in hopes for me to see what I needed to see. It took me a good moment but I did with the help of Azazel (cuz you know my monkey brain and all)

So now he and I are on at least the same page of the book and am ready to continue my workings with him. I am looking forward to what is to come.

I want to add that some times we are so caught up in certain aspects of life we let others get rusty and that’s exactly what has happened with me with my spiritual path. Now I know and will find ways to bring balance back to it.

[Zoclora]

I also want to add a song and experience I had yesterday.

Yesterday as I was coming home I was honestly questioning myself and well everything. I was starting to see an old familiar face named my ego. She was whispering her old words of “Your nothing.” “Your weak and small.” You know our “best friend”. I am all to well aquatinted with her.

I was starting to really question my whole purpose and why I even continue on this path. Then this song came on.

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall, everyone stands
Another day, and you’ve had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you’ve lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (Know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along.

As this happened I saw an interesting sight. A literal single cloud in the sky. The only one.

From this I went home and talked to Satan and Azazel. It was here I understood. Don’t give up. I want to share because I know a lot of us go through this and maybe are right now. These are not easy days and it may not be ever.

Just know they come to you and work with you, they have that faith in us and see what we COULD be. It is up to us to be that. Our best. So despite what maybe going on right now. Don’t give up. Know that you can do it because they are here and they don’t wast their time in things that won’t work out. Meaning we have that potential and we should see the now as it is the now we can make our future. Every thought and action. To live in the present so we can make those conscious choices and be more connected to everything and nothing at the same time.

It’s a challenge I know. I’m going through a big one but from this I know they are cheering me on and encourage me on. And last night as this came to mind and understood I never felt so happy in a very very long time. Not because I gained physical gain but because I saw I gained something way better. The key to the door that will lead me deeper into something beautiful. The door is now open for me and I stepped through to the beginnings of my own temple and my own world.

I am strong. I am strength. I am hope. I have awakened a little more of my true self and my own light. And that right there is priceless.

[Zoclora]

Just an entry to add. Yesterday I honestly was having a problem. I felt like there was so much I wanted to do (magic wise) yet it felt as though I was stuck in the spot I was in.

This of course was a relief as for a little while I had no real internet in doing very much. It was like a period of time where I just felt “stuck” and had no real desire to do very much besides the offerings I had promised.

Well now the new issue of now knowing what path would be good for me so I did a reading. It told me how I felt this way because I had a block. Well after even getting the service that Kendall is offering I already feel a difference. But still not sure. So with a pendulum I asked and it kept pointing to Satans oil and his sigil. Then it pointed to my tarot deck. So I asked about Satan and that’s when I get the knowing he is very much still around and wants to be the “head” of my path. But he still wants me to explore and try other things. He suggested for me to once again go to basics and how I was so eager to get to work I was over complicating things. I knew he was telling the truth.

So I tore down my old altar and set a new one up. It’s less messy and more so focused on him and my new decision on working with Tiamat. She had came to me in the past and I felt she could offer good lessons as well as some good ground structure. I still work with Azazel, Belial and King Paimon. But for this time I am just going to focus on them and really get my self back up to speed.

[Zoclora]

Today marks the third day of me wearing Satans sigil necklace at my work place. Fascinating things has happened over these three days of wearing it.

So how it even started was Friday morning I was getting ready. I then had a bit of time to talk while waiting for my ride. After I talked I felt this random want to wear his sigil. So I decided “why not?”

After putting it on I immediately felt his energy come on through. It felt like I became more grounded, more centered. After a little while I noticed how I became more calm and my emotions were more stable. I felt more well whole.

The first day of work I noticed how I had more energy and felt that I could do more. Normally I am tired and have some difficulty on getting people dressed in the mornings. But not this time. Through the day I felt this energy some times more and some times less.

The second day was similar but something interesting developed. Normally I am a very emotional person. I try not to be but it’s hard in certain situations. One of them came up. It was at the end of my shift and I was helping a client. This one girl came and I try to tell her me and the co worker that I was with fell behind because it was just us with a trainee. I said it a bit loud because I was out of breath and normally people can’t hear me as my voice is normally soft. Well for some reason she went off on me, cursing and saying how I was yelling at her. Normally these things I would get upset and argue back. But odd thing is though I felt the ghost of those emotions, I didn’t act on them. Instead I allowed her to yell and then storm off. I turned to looked at the girl who basically was thinking the same thing “wtf”. Well I turned to get the client and push her from the room and said to myself “I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen.” I was going to stay to help them but then a new feeling came about which is not normal for myself “You know what? I was going to stay to help but I changed my mind. They don’t need my help…” So I simply left work without a word to them. Only it got better. When I got home and took my bath (took off the necklace) I did something wonderful but not like myself. While I was taking my bath I was thinking over the incessant and said “I deserve this hot bath. I worked hard and I did a good job today.” I took some foam from my rose shampoo and bathed myself and said “I deserve better. I deserve to be loved and treated well with respect. I love myself. I love everything that there is about myself.”

You see this is odd because it is normally so very hard to even call myself beautiful but yet with confidence I stood there saying this to myself.

Today marked the third day and I feel as though I am building mussel slowly. I feel tired but yet have the energy to do my work. It’s quite fascinating and honestly this is what helping me with a major decision.

I noticed the topics of tattoos lately and I was thinking on it for a while. Like a year. But now this has helped me at the very least know one of the ones I would love to have.

You see even if I decide to venture out, I love him to the point that if he decides to stick around I wouldn’t mind. I do not regret ever meeting him or being on this path. Even the darkest hours. So with this in mind, it is actually something I want to remember and to get something like this shows truly not only how dedicated I am to my spiritual path but also just how grateful I am to him. Even before going onto this path he has been in my life. So really technically he has been in my life probably since birth. The whole 30 years of my life. If that is not long enough to know if I want him around at least another 50 so years, then I don’t know what. But I made it a official plan and plan on getting it done very soon. I am still on the drawing board with the idea on how I want it to look.

So with this, I am looking forward to how it will turn out.

[Zoclora]

A lot has happened these past few months. A lot of challenges that came and went. Though it was extremely hard at some points I’m seeing that do to these things, it forced me to make changes that in the end proved to be good.

One of these things was as of late. It made me stop and think on my own path. I got so lost on it that I didn’t realize. But after a few readings and a bit of Reiki I saw that I was needing to change my prospective on myself and life.

This made me stop and question primarily my spiritual path. I did some deep contemplation on why I wanted to be on this path and well last night I came to an understanding. I have chosen to be on this path because I wanted to. I was not pressured or desperate. I came onto this path to grow and be myself. To find that freedom and union of my own soul. To feel that balance of light and dark, creative and destructive. There’s of course more to it. But I decided to remain on this path.

Since that moment I have felt a sense of renewal and determination to improve myself on my own journey and life. I still have healing that needs to be done but having a solid foundation is something that I am ever so grateful to have.

This maybe a time of rest for me and heal, but even this moment I found growth and realization. I am definitely going to continue my path with Lord Satan and Azazel along with a few others and continue this Diary dedicated to him and my experiences and growth.

[Zoclora]

Life seems to be going up, down and sideways for me right now. I had a change in my path for a bit and I thought that it was what I needed. But then just recently things went down.

You see I was seeing a counselor for some help from stress. She is an excellent person and really listens to me. However an odd occurrence happened. The financial people wrote me an email that told me how my insurance wasn’t taking it for some reason. And now I owe. I didn’t know why they had it go onto my deductible. The next day Satan popped into my mind. I felt him and this odd feeling to need to connect to him.

I felt him and felt him wanting to help me but apparently in a different way than what I was doing. I never really questioned him and his knowledge after everything that had happened to me. At first it normally didn’t make sense but after it happened and after a time thinking over it, it then would make sense.

He really wants me to work on my self esteem and really my power. I haven’t been able to do anything do to where I live. I do miss doing magic and stuff like that. Even as I speak I can feel him confirming this. I think he has a plan but it’s just going to require a lot of work.

It is true though. I question recently if I can do this. If I really am strong and smart enough. It is normal as I have read to run into these things. To be lost in yourself as you try to piece your self back together after your old self been destroyed like the tower card. And it is so easy to fall back into old habits because you are use to it and feel “safe” even though you know it always leads to a dead end.

I’m learning as I speak on these things and more. But he has given me a gift and that is he had lighten my soul back up like a candle that gad burned down. He had given me this feeling that I remember that lead me to make these changes and desire growth but most of all magic. So I am grateful and will over come this.

[Zoclora]

I am in the spirit of the season for the first time in years. So to help celebrate I have made this picture!