Sometimes, I fight an internal battle of sorts with myself. I’ve spent my entire life helping others come to terms with their emotional pains, and self proclaimed unworthiness, always reminding them of how they were human, sometimes our choices are bad and worse, we all fck shit up sometimes- sometimes we even know better when we do it, just to regret it later. I have been known to give more chances than anyone is worth, the benefit of the doubt when I could feel it wasn’t deserved and to find something good or something an individual does well, even in the worst of those amongst us.
But I hold myself to standards that are a step above human. I tend to think I’m unworthy of what I deserve because of the wrongs I’ve done. I’m really not sure why, I just expect myself to be better than that, to turn the other cheek, to help when it’s not been earned, to sacrifice thyself- for the greater good. It’s not an entirely bad thing. Being who I am forces me to overcome my challenges, to know myself, to evaluate my thought processes and actions, to always strive to be better than I was yesterday- well at least when I can bothered. Some days I can’t be bothered to be anything but mother fcking lazy.
But I’m not just lazy to be lazy. I enjoy it for sure some days, but it’s not always for pure pleasure. It’s great when it is, but I also struggle to stay grounded, I struggle with putting too much of myself into my projects and with completing them without burning myself out. The laziness within me, is as much a coping mechanism, as it is a way of life.
I realize I don’t make sense yet, and that’s okay because I am getting there. Today’s topic has to do with the fact I don’t do well with change. I’m crazy and impulsive, but I usually put way more thought into every word I speak, and every action I take than anyone ever realizes- particularly where it matters. I will over think myself in circles, I can find ever single possible argument against something and even fabricate arguments against doing something- that quite frankly don’t exist, or shouldn’t. I push people away to help me cope with my sensitivities and low tolerance for stupidity.
I push people away, keep them at a distance and rarely allow someone to get close enough to see my true value, as a coping mechanism. Sounds familiar I am sure, but. I don’t do it for the same reasons everyone else does. I’m not afraid of hurting. Honestly, I’m rather accustomed to hurting, to being miserable, to being in a room full of people, living a married life with children- but feeling completely alone, while never being alone. I have more traumas than is right for a person to overcome, but don’t worry- I won’t bore you with them.
I keep people at a distance, because when it doesn’t work out- I have to deal with their pain. I’m quite acclimated to dealing with my own pain, with death and loss of love and life. That’s not as a big a deal to me, as it is to most people. My hang up is everyone else’s pain. See my sensitivities mean that when I allow myself to get intimately close with someone, when it doesn’t work out I feel their pain, quite intimately- almost as if it were my own.
It’s got positive aspects, it means that I can relate to almost anyone’s emotional traumas and become the shoulder they lean upon, the one that helps them see they are human, the one that helps them to get it together and get life on track because they’ve hit the bottom of the barrel and can’t even swim their way back up.
But when friendships and relationships end, and I have to endure someone else’s suffering, I feel guilty for their pain. I rethink my actions and decisions and… sometimes I return to things that are toxic, abusive and down right wrong- and the only reason I do so, is I feel a deep stabbing guilt for their suffering, no matter how much they deserved what I did, no matter how much they abused or harmed me.
It’s really a bitch of a thing. I really prefer not to talk about it, but for sake of getting you to where I went tonight, I feel it’s necessary. See, I seem to have a great new thing going on in my life. It seems to hold promise of being at least as great as my last great thing, and well quite frankly that scares me to the bone.
Not because of the pain I’ve held over my last relationship, and let’s be clear my last relationship was everything I ever wanted and more. If you follow me around at all you probably know that I loved him with all that I am, all that I was and all that I ever will be. I have no complaints about our relationship, other than at the end of the day, momma witch won when she shouldn’t have.
But I can still feel him. Maybe it’s the lifetimes, maybe it’s the current life binding, maybe I don’t understand it at all and never will. Cord cuttings and banishing and all sorts of rituals to make the feelings go away have been done- and not only by myself, but rather also by some of balgs greatest. The other thing is, even if it could all be undone, I would likely lash out in retaliation at anyone who succeeded. Throw in that I’ve allowed myself to merge with his shadow and honestly, I will quite literally always carry a part of him with me. Don’t let my tears fool you, I want it to be this way-even if I can’t explain why or comprehend it with my logical mind. I don’t expect any of you to get it, just accept it as fact.
I don’t know what his problem was yesterday, I didn’t want to pull on his energy and find out. I’m afraid it’s probably my new found happiness- I know, and he’s said in the recent months, that he also cannot shake the connection. Funny, he didn’t want to either despite it’s hindrance last we spoke. I guess we will both always carry a part of the other with us. But it made me really pissy, it made me wonder if I can even do this new relationship, or if I am doomed to just ruin it over someone else. Maybe, maybe it’s just an illusion anyways. Maybe I just want my new boyfriend to be as great as my last, because I’m a real lonely mother fcker-maybe.
When I first saw @DarkestKnight 's new thread in the lounge for testing his most recently channeled mantras, I liked it (he’s a friend after all) then I bookmarked it for later and did not track it. I might want it later, but I don’t need it now and someone else will jump on the trolly to test that shit out.
So I was a little surprised to find myself back on the thread, playing with his mantra for divine wisdom, from Raziel. I didn’t chant it very long before I realized there was something wrong. As I continued to chant the mantra with intentions of determining what felt wrong, I had very strong impressions that I lacked intention. I wanted wisdom, but for what?
I recently finished up working with several Vashikaran mantras. I enjoyed the work immensely and can see myself at some point down the line, returning to the practice of using mantras daily. Something I picked up along that journey however, was that there is more to using a mantra than simply chanting it. Chanting the mantra attunes you to it’s energy, but you still need to direct towards a goal, a situation, a person etc- in order to garner results.
Intentions are 9/10ths of the law when it comes to energy, so this makes sense to me and I honestly think it’s why my experience with mantras has been more than the typical I chanted and nothing happened, experience. All of this lead to tonight’s ritual.
I figured, well. This mantra comes with the warning from Raziel, that it may very well shatter any illusions you currently hold. Perfect, I may have an illusion going on, and well if I do- best for both of us if I figure it out now. I was originally going to perform a ritual similar to the others I’ve done, until I got into the shower and changed my mind. I suddenly was reminded of how water is my gateway, scrying eyes and all kinds of cool yet fckd up shit that happens when I allow myself to submerge in water. Check my other journal for details about how it’s made my entire life difficult.
So I ran water into my tub, grabbed the tools I needed and in I went. I started with simply adding pink Himalayan salt to my bath- it’s great for cleansing and the grinders I use mean that between the way I like my water super hot, and the smaller granules- the salt actually dissolves.
Armed with a cigarette and surrounded by herbs on the ledge of my tub, that I picked on intuition- I laid back to enjoy the cleansing part of the ritual. I then added my herbs to the water, and while I tend to be a bit hoodoo witchy, I don’t usually add herbs that won’t dissolve into my water. Textures and things touching my skin- eh, meh, just another weird sensitivity, like I’m never bare foot unless I’m in bed, and I’ll wear my socks right up until I’m actually in and laying down.
After the cleansing part of my ritual, added my chosen herbs to the water and noted once again the pungent odor of the mullein leaf powder. I lit my candles and sat back to open the gate of Ocat. I wondered briefly if Connolly had ever done anything quite like this, or if she would kinda laugh at how loosely I’m using some of her works. I have a tendency to take things loosely as it makes it easier to apply them to life and to work with them. I’ve found it almost always garners results so, Trust thy intuition is something I try to live by when it comes to this magical bullshit.
I noticed as I opened the gate, I no longer could smell the mullein. Great, grand, super. I also noticed I began to get light headed, which was not unexpected considering what I quite literally dumped in my water. Most if not all herbs can be absorbed through the skin after all, and I knew that going into this.
I chose a slightly different entity, but not one unknown to me. I’m not sure if I’ve ever garnered results with Bune, and I chose them with my loose interpretation and intuition methods, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I just knew I wanted an entity and I had a mantra for divine wisdom that probably could shatter my current relationship- at least if how I’m seeing things is an illusion.
I didn’t draw the keys, or bring in offerings or paper or anything but what you see in my images, aside from my phone. I had already taken a screen shot of the mantra I needed, and I noted Connolly used the most common sigils I’ve come across for Bune, so I simply chose one and used it on my phone to dial Bune up.
It wasn’t very long until I noted a woman with a Lady Gaga like haircut, but brown rather than blond hair, wearing a plain long brown dress. It was rather simple and elegant all the while quite bland. I began chanting @DarkestKnight’s mantra. It seemed like forever I chanted, while imagining the new boyfriend- but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes honestly, I was done with everything in about 45 minutes. My scrying eyes had been trying to kick in and I’d been dismissing it for at least a few minutes when I felt, rather than heard that it was time. I tossed my spectacles out of the tub, sunk in and just let my gaze fall on the flames.
When I am scrying, fog kinda rolls in from both sides of my eyes. I don’t see the images, but I see how whatever I am looking at, has the potential to be an image- kinda like if you’ve ever looked up at the clouds and been Wow, that one looks like a dragon. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Every time I blink, the fog lessens for a second my eyes un-focus and when I allow my gaze to fall on the flame again the image changes.
The first image was of a woman. The next image was three people, one appearing to be male behind the woman’s right shoulder- clearly taller than the woman, and the other two were in front of her- one appeared to be male, and the other female, both were about the same height as the woman. It kinda reminded me of a family photo. Then I blinked and she was holding a baby, the male behind the woman’s right shoulder was still there, but the male that had stood in front of the woman, was now behind her left shoulder and slightly taller than her, but not as tall as the other male.
I didn’t wonder too hard what I was seeing. Honestly it made lots of sense, but how could I be sure? I wasn’t really done thinking the thought, when I saw a capital letter M, then I blinked and saw the M with a lower case y underneath it. My? The left candles flame started flickering like there was a draft in the room, though the right flame seemed almost motionless. I turned my gaze towards it and saw a woman, in a dress very similar to one I purchased Monday. The cut of the dress was the exact same, but it’s a flame, and I was scrying so no colors ya know. Then… I saw the same series of images, except it wasn’t followed with the My.
I had no sooner blinked the last image away for the second time, when I realized I had to get out of the tub and I had to get out Now. I was nauseated and pretty sure I was going to upchuck if I continued to sit there. I let the water out of my tub, and began to toss things off the side so that I could rinse off and get clean. It’s not my finest moment, I’d have preferred to wash, as I like my bath so hot it makes me sweat, but I barely managed to rinse before I was tossing up my lunch. I’ve not had energy effect me quite this strongly in a long time, not since I first began my path.
I guess. I can probably assume, that my thoughts as to what I was seeing were correct, but I wouldn’t be surprised, if I saw confirmation in my dreams as well in the coming days.