3.07.22
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hello class. Today’s lesson (lecture? ramble?) will be about imposter syndrome, and the fear of success.
So, let me begin by exposing my psyche.
Since my last elated post, I have come tumbling down from the pinnacle into the depths. The past two days, I observe, with impartial and objective measure, that I have been riddled with anxiety and dysthymia.
Only now that I have named, thought on, and decided to illuminate in writing my psychological state have I regained some measure of balance.
Where to begin? From being considered a “gifted” child in primary school, then to heavily procrastinating and skating by with good grades in high school, to the wonderful wageslave world of workforce, where after about seven years I realised most people don’t live their life this way and so went and sought (and found) a diagnosis of ADHD, for which I’m still unmedicated…
…But of course, I digress, as I always do; and this post is not about the perceived 3D existence, and not even necessarily about me personally, but about imposter syndrome and the mental devastation of success that can occur in magical practice.
After a conversation with someone recently where we discussed depression as it relates to praxis (I’ll get back to you soon 
), I have been thinking a lot, and of course, have recently come to experience it myself. Definitely not for the first time, either.
Imposter syndrome (or rather, the “imposter phenomenon”) regarding magic and outcomes is fairly easy to define. While I always take the stance that one can (and should) take credit for everything good or strange or beneficial that happens to them, from a magickal perspective – it is easier to say than to do. Limited to 3D perception as we are, how can we ever know for certain that it was our spell or petition or evocation or affirmations that resulted in a certain outcome? Maybe we just got lucky, maybe the stars were aligned, maybe we are deluding ourselves with notions of power, and it had absolutely nothing to do with our involvement. It is not difficult to become ensnared once more in the illusion of 3D reality, and then to try to rationalise outcomes from a linear cause-and-effect perspective, which inevitably causes us to question – then to doubt – our power.
Then, our attention and thoughts become dedicated, passively or consciously – and firmly, often obsessively – into finding alternate explanations for the success we have achieved. One moment you are certain of your power, and the next moment you are, for some reason, trying your hardest to convince yourself, using any and all debates & arguments, about why it simply isn’t possible that you are responsible for your own success.
live, love, laugh
Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
– Marianne Williamson
Impostorism is also distinguished by its noxious effects, which in some cases can be debilitating. The persistent fear and self-doubt it engenders, as well as the inability to savor achievements, can result in “a persistent state of physical and emotional depletion,” Anseel says, which can lead to full-fledged depression.
A little over a year ago, I had my mind quite set on a certain goal. At the time it amazed me how things seemed to fall into place so quickly and easily. Because it was so easy and quick (from my limited 3D perspective), I began to doubt myself. After I began to doubt myself, something horrible happened, which I had perceived as a sort of unintentional side-effect of my mentalscape that put my outcome on pause. Do I think the two are directly related? No. But at the time I could not shake off the guilt and helplessness, and the persistent idea that I might have actually caused the bad thing, due to my supreme confidence folding in on itself and very quickly becoming a period of almost obsessive self-querying and wondering whether I was truly the operant power.
That is telling, though, is it not? Even at my darkest hour I still looked to myself for the truth.
So, these past few days, I have been in a low mood. I have dealt with it accordingly, as best I could, and now I am beginning to examine it in a differently light. (By dealing with it accordingly, I mean firmly telling the negative voice in my head to shut the fuck up. Every time it spoke I drowned it out with my own chosen thoughts. Every time it tempted me to submit to anxiety, helplessness, and procrastination, I instead acted in a way that would benefit me materially.)
It is the glimpse of our own power that makes us afraid, and that fear easily turns into anxiety, inaction, and depression.
Because we ask ourselves – if I can have whatever I want, then why don’t I have everything I want? If I am capable of achieving something, anything, with magic, then why aren’t I living in a constant state of contented fulfillment? Or in other words: If I, me, Veil, can personally manifest $1,100 in under a week, why wasn’t I already a financially independent billionaire? If I deliberately manifested a new job with a ~$20k pay raise in seven days, why would I feel so anxious and uneasy? …
(4.07.22)
…Thankfully, this time, I had the presence of mind to command my conscious thoughts back into order, instead of allowing myself to fall prey to ruinous thoughts, inaction, and self-sabotage. I had a similar mindset today, to a lesser extent. I have now already powered through the anxiety of the past few days, I have deemed myself worthy, and made moves in the 3D world.
For me, though, and likely others, there has been this recurring link of magic and anxiety or depression.
Personally I do not think of it as “backlash” or anything along those terms. If anything, it only serves to give evidence to my paradigm. Humans are creators, we are of God, and we are each the God of our own perception. No other single human being on this earth, in any dimension, in this life or the next, has had the experience that You, the You who is reading this, has had.
This seems almost like a question without an answer. Well really, it’s more of an essay without a conclusion. (I imagine anyone who’s read a few posts of my journal would be familiar with this.)
So, what do we do about it? You would think a successful outcome would send you over the moon – and so it often does – until you swiftly come crashing back down. Always makes me think of this particularly insightful thread:
Ultimately, in my estimation, the answer can only be found within oneself. You as a practitioner must learn to recognise this state, this symptom, for what it is. It is not real. And if you’ll forgive me, the only thing I can think to tell you is to look to the Law… or to remember this:
All is mind.
You deserve your success.
You earned your success.
If doubt comes knocking at your door afterwards, you must have the presence of mind to not only recognise it, but firmly tell it to fuck off. Whatever negative thoughts your brain throws at you, you must make the effort to drown them out. Remind yourself that You are the operant power. You are the conductor, the orchestrator of your own lived experience, your own reality. When your thoughts tell you to doubt yourself, to stop trying, to freeze in anxiety, to give up entirely – then tell your thoughts to get fucked and drown them out with your consciously willed Word.
No. I am the only Creator there is.
No. I am the God of my own existence.
No. My Word is the Law, and my Will is the only reality.
ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏˢ ᶠᵒʳ ᶜᵒᵐᶦⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵐʸ ᵀᴱᴰ ᵗᵃˡᵏ
As for me? Not much else to report. Ongoing strange occurrences, comparable to glitches in the Matrix. Quite literally, as concerns the film named.
More spontaneous ‘telepathy’ with my loved one. More success in that regard. It is extremely gratifying and yet extremely strange, I have never experienced anything like it.
I feel better emotionally, for having dealt with this depressive mindframe head-on, instead of retreating to my usual frozen, procrastinating, anxious state. I even had someone I really admire offer to coach/mentor me (talking 3D stuff here, nothing magical), and I am tempted to take her up on it. Right now, mostly, I just feel calm. I have achieved my outcome, I have established my worthiness, and I have done everything I can in the 3D world to support that endeavour, despite my nature.
Yes, it’s lovely to come here and brag up and down on my journal about achievements. But I hope it is worth at least a little to someone else, as much as it was worth my own while, to put this phenomenon under a microscope. I will look back on this too.
Until next time. Mine and mine alone.
V 
hummm i do feel that the visualisation method imply that we already got what we are looking for, so Affirmation should be the key. 
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When I finish it I’d love to show you through DM. I dont wanna throw my stuff in a journal that isn’t mine, it wouldn’t be right…
