The Fate Of All Fools

12.04.22

どうしよ?

どうしようもない


Seems I have a one-track mind lately, forced down one train of thought whether I want to or not – I fucking hate trains :upside_down_face:

Since I’m aware of it, I should be able to change it, right?

The only thing I want to change is this godless, endless urge to punish myself. I think maybe that is at the core of every addict’s brain. Me or the chemicals of my body? Me or the thoughts of my own brain? Surely I am, “I AM” is greater than either?

Why this greatest of design flaws? I should be happy, shouldn’t I? Why do I want to anaesthetise myself, stop thinking, let my absent shell go about its business?

Why this endless, incessant rambling about being sad when I could be using my time to better myself?

Nothing of substance to say. Just shouting into the void.

Time for a major banishing tonight I think, then we going back to basics with the Law. I need to get my head straight so I can at least try and summon some enthusiasm for what the next fortnight has in store for me.

What a terrible excuse for a human being I am. :confused: Leviathan, Metatron, Haniel, come and soothe me.

V :two_hearts:

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13.04.22

Broken sleep last night, strange dreams. I think I dreamt I hovered over someone, or their shadow hovered nearby me. Somewhere around 3:00 AM, I woke up with two words in my head:

“Desiderat”, and something that sounded like “sydrach” or “syrach”. I don’t remember what I dreamt of that prompted me to wake, but the words were very firmly planted, so I wrote them in my phone and went back to sleep, swimming through more broken dreams until my alarm went off.

Desiderat

German (adjective)

  1. (urgently) Needed

From Latin dēsīderō (verb):

  1. Want, desire, wish for, long for
  2. Miss, lack, need
  3. Lose
  4. Lost, missing

The second word sent me further down a rabbit-hole; only now that I’ve managed to dig a bit deeper can I find the German “seedrache”, which, well, I didn’t hear the accented ë in my dreams, and the word only looks phonologically similar to an English speaker… but the word means… … … sea dragon.

Not as in a mythological creature, but as in “seahorse”.

But obviously, dear reader, you know when my brain hears “sea dragon” I’m going to immediately think “Leviathan”.

With that said – earlier I put some googling skills to work, and it lead me to The Book of Sirach, otherwise known as Ecclesiasticus, part of the Catholic canon, but regarded as an apocryphal text among most other Christian denominations.

Wikipedia gives me this –

“Alle Weiſsheit ist bey Gott dem Herren…”
“All wisdom is with the Lord God…”


The Book of Sirach

Naturally I spent most of my day reading Ecclesiasticus, so please do expect a lot of quoting over the next few days as I ponder it.

[…]She is with him for ever.
The sands of the sea, the drops of rain, the days of eternity – who can count them?
The height of the sky, the breadth of the earth, the depth of the abyss – who can explore them?

1:1-3

The Lord has seen and assessed her, he has showered down knowledge and intelligence, he has exalted the renown of those who possess her.
The rage of the wicked cannot put him in the right, for the weight of his rage is his downfall.
A patient person puts up with things until the right time comes: but his joy will break out in the end.

1:19, 1:22-23

Trust him and he will uphold you, follow a straight path and hope in him.
Woe to faint hearts and listless hands, and to the sinner who treads two paths.
Woe to the listless heart that has no faith, for such will have no protection.
Woe to you who have lost the strength to endure…

2:6, 2:12-14

Whoever loves her, loves life, those who seek her early will be filled with joy.
Whoever possesses her will inherit honour, and wherever he walks, the Lord will bless him.
Those who serve her minister to the Holy One, and the Lord loves those who love her.
Whoever obeys her rules the nations, whoever pays attention to her dwells secure.
[…] Though she takes him at first through winding ways, bringing fear and faintness on him, trying him out with her discipline till she can trust him, and testing him with her ordeals,
She then comes back to him on the straight road, makes him happy and reveals her secrets to him.

4:12-15, 4:17-18

How very harsh she is to the undisciplined! The senseless does not stay with her for long:
she will weigh as heavily on the senseless as a touchstone and such a person will lose no time in throwing her off;
for Wisdom is true to her name, she is not accessible to many.
Listen, my child, and take my advice, do not reject my counsel:
put your feet into her fetters, and your neck into her collar;
offer your shoulder to her burden, do not be impatient of her bonds;
court her with all your soul, and with all your might keep in her ways;
search for her, track her down: she will reveal herself; once you hold her, do not let her go.

For in the end you will find rest in her and she will take the form of joy for you:
her fetters you will find a mighty defence, her collars, a precious necklace.
Her yoke will be a golden ornament, and her bonds be purple ribbons;
you will wear her like a robe of honour, you will put her on like a crown of joy.

6:21-31

She, the wife, the woman: the subconscious, always the subconscious.

I may be away for a few days, so, I leave with this:

Small among winged creatures is the bee but her produce is the sweetest of the sweet.

11:3

V :two_hearts:

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22.04.22

Leviathan has sucked the feelings right out of me. Imagine being told not to think about a purple elephant. Obviously, you’re now most likely thinking about a purple elephant. I can briefly acknowledge the purple elephant, but immediately turn my mind to other things.

He will put the feelings back when I ask him to, but right now I’m directing my thoughts toward a better purpose.

Happiness. That’s what we all want, right? Why else be on this journey? Do you, reader, really know what would make you happy?

Or is it simply contentment? No one, after all, can be happy all the time. If we had no devastation to measure our bliss against, it would be meaningless.

…For great though the power of the Lord is, he accepts the homage of the humble.
Do not try to understand things that are too difficult for you, or try to discover what is beyond your powers.
Concentrate on what has been assigned you, you have no need to worry over mysteries.
Do not meddle with matters that are beyond you; what you have been taught already exceeds the scope of the human mind.
For many have been misled by their own notions, wicked presumption having warped their judgement.

– Ecclesiasticus 3:20-24

A tie-beam bonded into a building will not be dislodged by an earthquake; so too, a heart resolved after due reflection will not flinch at the critical moment.
Prick an eye and you will draw a tear, prick a heart and you reveal its feelings.
Who will set a guard on my mouth, and an efficient seal on my lips, to keep me from falling, and my tongue from causing my ruin?

– Ecclesiasticus 22:16, 22:29, 22:27

V :heart:

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24.4.22

Yesterday I thought it might actually be over for me. I’ve been sick, and with addiction on top of that, I thought I might have actually tipped the scales past the point of no return.

Hard to keep my head up through that but I just had to shut myself up and ask Raphael to see me through. I’m ok. Or rather I’m better. Physically.

Idk if there’s something else weighing me down and contributing. I need to ground, maybe… Or not ground but put all my pieces and missing energy back where everything should be, in its proper place. I can’t do that right now because I made a promise. Self-control is so hard for me so I guess I’ve done well for the past [checks watch] six days or something. Idk. I’m finding it hard to think about anything. I’ve been finding it hard to think about anything else. Mostly I just feel numb.

Last night I energetically reached out to someone I haven’t spoken to lately. Aura/shields spiky as fuck. Like trying to find a way through a maze of brambles. The sense was a big “no, go away”. But idk, prick one of us and both of us bleed. It let me through with a gentle brush of reassurance. Later I dreamt about them, then when I went back to sleep after writing my dream notes, I dreamed about telling them about my dream. All of this to demonstrate that my self-control is shaky at best.

Earlier I went out and I saw a magpie picking at and eating another bird, feebly kicking while the magpie stood over it waiting for it to die, eating it alive. I don’t know what it was. A seagull, a honeyeater? It gave me a bad feeling, but I think now everything will be ok.

Yeah, everything will be ok.

V :two_hearts::arrow_upper_right::sparkles:

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We need each other
To have, to hold

Me: [has ugly sobbing existential crisis]

Metatron:

I may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on
They’ll see in time, I know
We’ll show them together

Let your love never fail me
V

P.S. Give it time and no doubt I will be back to my usual quality of rambling journal entries. Maybe I’ll even pull a card or two. I am delirious and heartsick. Time again for Raphael and Melahel to come to my aid.

8 Likes

29.04.22

Just hold on, we’re going home

I can’t get over you, you left your mark on me
I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly

:musical_note:

Leviathan put all my feelings back where they should be; not like that was really a concern.

Also, he brought me money out of the blue. Twice in one week. :pray: Thanks big guy. Ave Leviathan.


My brain has settled down a little bit from intense deja vu/jamais vu. I still feel it a few times a day. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s a mixture of:

  • hearing words, mine and others’, as a meaningless string of syllables, my brain lags
  • hearing what I am going to say before I say it, sometimes hearing what other people are going to say before they say it (?)
  • sounds or words triggering some kind of odd (but not necessarily unpleasant) sense of general dysphoria – something is strange, but I don’t know what
  • something like a mix of simultaneous, single-minded hyperfocus, coupled with a sense of derealisation

Is my brain just fried or? :thinking:

A few more things I have on my mind.

One, I have been feeling passively uneasy for a few weeks. There is an uneasiness around me. I have not been banishing regularly, and I feel like there’s been this undercurrent of insidiousness eddying around me, likely due to the group work I am involved in. (Which tbh I could be more involved in, but have found myself demotivated and unable to muster up the energy to do anything, hmm, wonder why.) My immune system has been shite, so I have been vaguely unwell for a few… months, now, I guess, to greater or lesser degrees. I have been wondering if this is the result of outside influence, but I feel innately protected, so I have not bothered doing much about it.

Then yesterday, my roommate (who had been away for about two weeks) came home, and within 2 hours, was sobbing in pain, calling out for me, unable to breathe, panicking and in agony and clutching her chest. :disappointed: She went to the ER and the doctors found… nothing. No blood clots, no tumours, no broken bones, not so much as a single bit of swelling or inflammation – even though she has been coughing and hacking her lungs up for about eight weeks now. They sent her home and told her to keep taking OTC painkillers.

OK maybe call me paranoid, but I do not like this at all. I don’t like feeling like I’m holding up a fucking lightning rod for this ‘return to sender’ type shit because I want to get involved in a cause that I feel strongly about. Something must be done about this. I have done banishings here and there, and asked a few spirits for shielding, but I need to think hard about this and bring out the big guns. No more fucking around. Yeah, little banishings might have stopped my nightmares, but I feel the need to just blast this whole house with a holy flare and then punish anyone who would even think about targeting me or people close to me. Aye, call me paranoid. But better safe than sorry, no?


Two,

Well, suddenly I’m at a loss for words. For someone who always thought they had a handle on fate, fate certainly seems to have its own plans for me.

I don’t know how I do some things without even trying. Honestly, I have never put much time or effort into things like remote viewing, or scanning. I’d be gun-shy to try it deliberately for fear of failure, even though trying is really the only way you can improve at something or gauge your accuracy.

Strange to feel so drawn to someone else, and to be able to brush up against them with no conscious effort. Like closing your eyes and bringing your two hands together in the dark. And then sometimes when I do try consciously, it’s… less potent. It reminds me a lot of how Metatron (and sometimes others – looking at you, Leviathan and Asmodeus) will sometimes show up on my proverbial doorstep and fill my senses entirely, but other times when I consciously reach for them, the connection is only a faint shadow of what it should be, or takes more effort to maintain.

My dreams seep into my waking world and my waking world seeps into my dreams. Reminds me; I should do a re-read of my dream journal. It can be interesting to read back through your dreams and correlate them with events or circumstances that were happening, or happened after the fact. :thinking:

I must once more dedicate myself to AP/OOBE. That is what I want. Perhaps not as sweet as my usual dreams might be, but more room for experimentation. And control.

He was the Catalyst and so was I. We were two halves of a whole, sundered and come together again. For an instant I knew him in his entirety, complete and magical, and then he was pulling apart from me, laughing, a bubble inside me, separate and unknowable, yet joined to me.
“You do love me!”
I was incredulous. He had never truly believed it before.
“Before, it was words…”
For a moment he reveled in simple recognition.

– Robin Hobb, Assassin’s Quest

Until next time,
V :two_hearts:

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3.05.22

The biggest problem with the Law of Assumption paradigm is realising that you are God, and there is no other God for you to pray to.

If there was some divine, heavenly force to whom I could cry out, who could intervene on my behalf, I’d be on my knees begging for him to listen. Help me, help me, please, tell me what to do. I feel so lost.


…Now what do I talk about?

Shortly after whining about my suspicions a few nights ago, Leviathan showed up in force. Jesus. He hit me like a fucking tidal wave. In the past he has gotten my attention by making me feel like the room I’m in is filled almost to the ceiling with water, so tangible that it completely drags my attention away from anything else. This time, he showed me an enormous upsurge of water violently drowning the entire house. The impression of all sorts of astral trash getting swept up in the wave. Then the water fell all at once, dashing and drowning and sweeping everything away. Next, the impression of him in the form of an enormous sea-serpent, twining his coils around everything, rearing up over the house, bugling and roaring out a warning. I felt dizzy and light-headed, like someone was trying to gently lift my brain out of my skull.

For a handful of days after that, every time I tried to reach out of myself, I would just see the impression of enormous scales slowly twining around me. That faded gradually, and is not so overwhelmingly present now. Just the barest impression. But I feel a bit better.

After that faded, I spoke to Bael and asked him for a few favours, then I poured two fingers of honey whiskey for each of us. Drank mine, left his on my altar.

Metatron continues to appear, should I happen to be crying. :sob: :two_hearts:

I need to speak with one or both of them, and Kairos, and Silence. And probably Asmodai.
I don’t know exactly what I intend to ask for.

Don’t believe in fate?
Get slapped by fate.

Don’t believe in reality?
Better believe reality is going full Will Smith on me right now.

Not knowing what exactly I want is not a new feeling. Not knowing what exactly to do about it is not a new feeling. But right now they’re both weighing on me more heavily than I can describe. Must I spend the rest of my life as centuries without rain?

Fate fit for a fool.

Veil, when are you gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit together?
No love for myself right now, only for others.

So, until next time, with all my love –
V

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9.05.22

Alright, we’ve done it. Oh Veil, you big idiot. For so long you were doing exactly what you feared to do, and using the Law as a stick to beat yourself with.
Either you are subject to reality, or reality is subject to you.
I pick the latter, every time. It’s just a matter of putting it in motion.


The absolute audacity

For real. The absolute audacity of someone coming into your life with the only goal of making your life better.
Making me take care of myself more. Making me eat more than one meal a day and get a proper amount of sleep.
Smh. The absolute AUDACITY.

Honestly how dare people get close to me. As close as Metatron: as close as my own beating heart. How dare people get under my skin like that. How dare people want the best for me, do good things for me, do workings for me, do readings for me, shore me up, hold me accountable, comfort me, be there for me, even when they have their own things going on in their own lives.

:triumph:

Apparently I am intimidating. I’d like to swear I am not, but that’s a promise I can’t keep. I hold my dear friends close to my heart. I respect many practitioners from afar (perhaps I should speak out more about that, more frequently, in a more timely manner).

But ultimately, who keeps me grounded and sane?


Today I realised I have been wasting so much time being caught up in the web of “reality” that I have been paying no attention to praxis.
Nope, not today though. Today is, was, will be a good day.

Damn, Veil, if you’re gonna come and sulk and whine in your journal, at least have something to sulk and whine about. Don’t let it be self-inflicted. Done with others’ advice for me :triumph:

Alright. Let’s see then. I come here often and post Biblical quotes with no context. Yet I’m always thinking to myself how people downplay the Bible as the esoteric text that it is. Idk, can’t relate. Baptised but brought up in an essentially agnostic household in an essentially agnostic country.

So, let us begin with mental diet.

For those who missed or cbf reading my prior posts, or have no knowledge of the Law, your mental diet = the thoughts that you consciously think, day in and day out. The thoughts that your subconscious feeds to you and brings to the fore in moments of mental idleness. Can you change that? Absolutely. You simply must be vigilant, and recognise when you are thinking something that does not serve your purpose. And then you must change your thoughts to something which does serve you. If you can summon the feeling of gratitude and smugness and happiness that goes with that thought, good. If you cannot, do not worry. Simply cling to that thought and repeat it to yourself whenever you think of anything bad, or anything that negates it. With practice, it takes under a week to reprogram your brain to accept whatever your chosen thought it. In moments of idleness then, your subconscious will feed that thought back to you. A good thought? Or a bad thought? You decide. Is it worth one week’s worth of effort? Or perhaps two?

You decide.

No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is from Me, Says the LORD.

Every tongue (i.e., any conscious thought which does not serve you) that rises against you, you will condemn. You will cast it out, cast it away, for it does not serve you. Do not deign to speak it aloud, do not even deign to think it. It is beneath you. Notice your thoughts. Be conscious of your thoughts. If a thought does not serve you, cast it away.

It is not for us to contemplate how, why, when, or where our wishes will be made manifest. Put all of that aside.

Yes, it gets easier with practice.

I already mentioned it, but in most cases, when the Bible refers to woman or she or her or the wife, it is not speaking of material Woman. It is speaking of the subconscious mind, and those who recognise its power.

Whoever loves her, loves life, those who seek her early will be filled with joy.
Whoever possesses her will inherit honour, and wherever he walks, the Lord will bless him.
Those who serve her minister to the Holy One, and the Lord loves those who love her.

Do you understand? It is not to outside sources you should look, but only within yourself. “The Lord loves those who love her”, or in other words – the All, the Universe, rewards those who rejoice in the power of their own subconscious mind.

[…] Though she takes him at first through winding ways, bringing fear and faintness on him, trying him out with her discipline till she can trust him, and testing him with her ordeals,
She then comes back to him on the straight road, makes him happy and reveals her secrets to him.

Yes, I’ve been absolutely fucked by losing faith in the past. But really that experience only taught me to double down on my belief. I, you – we are the one true power.

Do not try to understand things that are too difficult for you, or try to discover what is beyond your powers.
Concentrate on what has been assigned you, you have no need to worry over mysteries.
Do not meddle with matters that are beyond you; what you have been taught already exceeds the scope of the human mind.

The above quote is Goddard in a nutshell. “God does not ask you to consider the means, but to define the end”. In simple terms – stop worrying about how, when, why, or when your desires will come to pass. Ideally, you should think of your desires and feel only smugness or gratitude or happiness that everything worked out so well for you. It does not matter whether your desired result has been made manifest in perceptual reality yet. So, if you are struggling with this concept, start small and build your way up.

Maybe it’s easier for me, being raised in an agnostic household in a largely agnostic country* amongst agnostic or atheistic peers. I don’t have the same kind of inbuilt hatred or love for the Bible as many seem to do. Again, as I am sure I have said before, I see it as an esoteric text – if one is capable of reading between the lines.

Annoying that I know all these basic principles, but I have not been putting them into practice. So, no more. I change now.

I won’t continue to recount my quotes from the Book of Sirach, but hopefully you get my point.


I have spoken with Raphael a handful of times recently. Evoking him outside is very interesting. By which I mean… he is massive, enormous. Absolutely enormous. He dominates the sky. I like Raphael very much.

Haniel as well. I know what the books say, but meh. Haniel is there whenever there is some excess of emotion that must be gently siphoned away. Haniel is a beautiful and benevolent spirit. Raphael is the most talented surgeon you have ever met, and has a cheerful and cheeky bedside manner.

I will work with them both ongoing, and with Melahel again.


Again I say:

God does not ask you to consider the means, but to define the end.

All my love,
V

9 Likes

God damn i love your journal :sob: thank you so much for posting this, I know its mainly for you but the little bits of knowledge you give alongside the struggles of implementing them are so valuable!! I have been working on a two week manifestation experiment and this has really helped put things in perspective, thank you so much.

Also side note I’m glad to hear you have so many people fighting for you even if they have to fight with you to do it. That’s a rare blessing and it’s wonderful to see you getting what you deserve :heart:

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11.05.22

There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in a storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.

So it has been an interesting few days. Since I decided to stop wallowing in self-pity, I have had a handful of nice, neat, same-day manifestations.

Firstly, on the drive to work yesterday, I realised that one of the speakers in my car was fucked, and playing no sound whatsoever. In retrospect it had been getting progressively worse for a while, which is why I continually found myself having to crank the volume up. Yesterday morning it clicked that it was because I was only hearing sound from the non-fucked speaker on the passenger side. I complained about it to one of my friends and he told me I’d have to just get it replaced, unless I wanted to go to the effort of taking my car door off its hinges and seeing if I could crimp or solder some wires back together. :roll_eyes: Not a car person, me. Nor do I want to pay for parts and labour to replace a speaker.

Anyway, I simply decided it would fix itself. Asked myself, hey, wouldn’t it be awesome to get in your car and notice it’s suddenly working properly again, out of nowhere? Felt a bit smug about it then forgot about it and went on with my day. Sure enough, when I left work and got into my car, it was working again. Out of nowhere. :pray: Bless up.

Secondly, as a normal human who detests being a wageslave, I’ve been talking on-and-off with one of my coworkers for the better part of a year about the two of us forming a business. I decided I’m worth more than a passionless, stressful job and spending 5 days a week praying for the 2 days I don’t have to work. Et cetera. Anyway, I decided to double down on this, because why not? Give me my own damn company, I’ll work hard because it’s my baby and something I actually care about, then I’ll get hella rich and buy an island and shit. Long story short, my coworker messaged me in the middle of the day saying he found a company that is similar-ish to our idea, that the founders/directors wished to sell, and that he was going to speak to them about it. A few hours later he messaged me asking if I was interested in a part-time job.

I’m not counting that as a success; talk is cheap. But I am pleased to see movement in the right direction so quickly.

Also, we’re now back to the stage of people constantly offering me, making me, or buying me food. Lmao. I never ask for this specifically, it just seems to always happen when I’m thinking in the right mindset. :thinking:

I have decided, for fun, to set a few different goals: some simple, some long-term, and some outlandish or far-fetched. It makes no difference, after all, except for that whole annoying “perception of linear time” thing. I feel better.


The wise man’s fear

A few other assorted bits of rambling.

I dreamt of someone close to me (but that is nothing new, because I feel like it is a constant occurrence lately, however much or little I remember of the dream). When I was trying to remember the dream, I was idling in traffic on my way to work. A bee appeared from nowhere, and landed on my car windshield, right in front of my face. It preened itself a bit, and then shuffled around in place. Looking at me with its thousand-faceted eyes.

Now that I write it, it makes me think of something that happened last year, when I went to get in my car and a bee was somehow stuck to my windshield. By what means I have no idea. But I freed the little one and he went on his merry way.

A bee is a cornerstone of life. They make the world grow and flourish. Without them, truly, we would be left starving in a barren wasteland. A bee works hard daily, with utmost dedication to its purpose. A bee communicates, it serves and protects. A bee is a necessity to life, and has a sting capable of bringing death. A bee worships its queen.

An interesting, powerful symbol.

I felt odd and shaky the entire rest of the day, like I was on the verge of a panic attack. Thank you, Saint Valium, for your tender care.

Nothing makes sense to me during the daytime, it only becomes clear at night.

Hmm. What else?

I have been seeing crocodiles everywhere (not literally, although I would not hate that). They have been a constant recurring dream symbol for me – apparent after combing back over my dream journal – and now I feel like everywhere I look, I see a damn crocodile. What it means I have no idea. Perhaps some spirit reaching out. Dantalion? He first appeared to me as a robed man with a crocodile’s head. Agares? Sobek? I haven’t had any entity try and subtly nudge me lately, as far as I can tell, so perhaps. Or maybe something more simple that I am not seeing?


Finally –

me trying to get a handle on my temper and dispel it before it overtakes my brain

:pleading_face: oops


Until next time,
Love is the Law
V :two_hearts:

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Love when this happens

2 Likes

The #1 reason I tell everyone to try the Law of Assumption :joy:

free food! (warning: may contain dark night of the soul)

4 Likes

12.05.22

I had an exceedingly pleasant dream which indicates I have successfully saturated my subconscious with an idea I had, like, yesterday. For most of the morning I was just happily thinking about how I’ll word my journal entry in this thread when it comes to pass. Feelsgoodman.jpg

Managed to finish(?) a project I’ve been delaying because of stress paralysis and executive functioning disorder. :smiley: Well, 95% done. Am happy with myself though. Had to crack out the thesaurus for that one.

Got asked for ID at the bottle-o. Literally thought, as I was approaching the counter, “he’s about to ask for my ID”. Yeah, five seconds later he asks for my ID. Looks at my year of birth. Oh. “Take it as a compliment,” he said. Of course. I said I figured it was just because I was buying a sack of goon like a teenager would. We had a chat about the good old teenage days playing goon of fortune – which, if you are not Australian, I’m sorry, but this is a national secret so I cannot explain it. I was pleased with myself for my no-makeup-wearing-ass-self getting ID’d today, and also I’m retarded, so when he said “thank you!” to end the transaction, I said “you’re welcome!” :woman_in_motorized_wheelchair: – thankfully my brain was kind enough to make me speak in a quiet tone and run my words together through my laughter, so I’m hoping that didn’t come off quite as retarded as it actually was. :smiley: Despite that, having zero shame and the ability to laugh at yourself for (almost?) doing something stupid is a blessing.

Before that i’d dropped a few prescriptions off at the pharmacy and told them I would come back to collect them in 10 minutes or so. I did a sneaky and dropped in a script that usually they would defer because there are some laws around how often the medication can be distributed, but I’d already told myself I’d be getting everything I wished for today. When I went back to the pharmacy the clerk asked for my name and then said, “I have a note here which says ‘see chemist’,” which usually means they’re going to tell you they can’t distribute the medication to you yet. I followed her over to the chemist and began to say “Oh, did one script have to be deferred–?” and the chemist interrupted me to say that they were out of stock of some other random medication I had put in a script for, but didn’t really need or care about. Oh, too bad. They were very apologetic and suggested I call around a few different places to see if they had it in stock. Walked out of there smug as a peacock.

Later, got offered free accommodation in a city I’ll probably end up moving to eventually.

More free food.

Another minor “manifestation” which was simply (lol) a series of concurrent events that aligned with some thought I’d had idly pop up in my mind for a week or two. But it is of no consequence so I won’t go into detail.


13.05.22

My greatest thanks to Raphael. Evoking him outdoors has been a nice change of pace; I’ve done it a few times lately and I will likely continue to do it, as I have some more business dealings to be done with him.

Aside from that, never before have I realised, or given much thought to, the way other people affect me… or can, may, might affect me. I spoke about this a bit in an earlier entry but it is still alien and new. Being able to tell when someone is dreaming about you. Feeling someone else’s feelings, and them reading yours. And far too frequently, not only my feelings, but my mind. It’s not disturbing; rather it is peaceful and fascinating. I still question myself sometimes and wonder if it’s just some psychosomatic effect. I suppose I should know better than that now.

Apparently, it is possible to take a part, a sliver, of someone else’s waking soul with you during a pathworking. It feels very personal. Of course I have explicit consent to do it, but afterwards I feel a strange sense of almost-guilt. But also, it seems to be helpful. I wonder what the limits of this are.

It was a Leviathan pathworking. Actually, earlier in the day, I had reached for something in the fridge and hit it precisely at the right angle to bend my (longest) fingernail backward (I swore like a motherfucker, that shit HURTS), and examined it to find it had cleanly broken at the quick. I trimmed the rest of it off (rather I picked it off) and then put it down nearby on my desk so I could throw it out later (or, you know, keep it for a future offering). I went outside, worked with Leviathan, came back indooors… fingernail was gone. Dafuq? I looked everywhere; under my keyboard, on the floor, all across the top of my desk. Nope. Gone forever.

…Ok, so is this twice now that Leviathan has laid claim to my precious, carefully grown and manicured fingernails? I mean, I’ll gladly pay it, but uhh… damn. I would say I prefer to keep my nails intact and for him to leave them alone, but it is ultimately a worthwhile tradeoff, all things said and done, for the work I am asking for.

Mmm, what manifestations today?

  • Got ID’d again :roll_eyes:
  • Went to buy cigarettes, asked for a pack of 30 so I wouldn’t have to leave the house to get more any time soon. Oldmate at the servo has taken a shine to me, it seems, because he sold me a 40 pack, for $1 less than a 30 pack. Considering the astronomical prices of cigarettes in Australia, that is just astounding. For some brands you’ll be paying $70 AUD (about $50 USD) for a 25 or 30 pack, and for the cheapest possible brand, you’ll be lucky to pay less than about $26 USD.
  • Free food, twice.

That’s it for now, I think.

P.S. Actually, nope. I just hit post and my roommate walked up to me and asked me if I wanted one of her cat’s shed claws, just as I was thinking about Leviathan and fingernails. Lord almighty.

My love,
V

10 Likes

17.05.22

The full moon last night was so beautiful. I trimmed all my fingernails short. For you, Leviathan, an offering in preparation for what we will do. :pray:

Time to break out some baneful magic, maybe? I have some frustrations I’d like to vent on people from my past, and subhumans in my present. But currently, my focus is on healing, and lord, there’s a lot of it to be done. So my focus remains there for now.


18.05.22

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

Three hours of sleep last night. Not ideal. So, I didn’t work at all today.

I keep getting asked for ID everywhere I go. It’s starting to get annoying so I think I should ease up on this aspect of my work. “We’ll ask for ID if you look under 25!” yeah thanks. Dragging my tired, nearly 31 year old, tall as the average male, unkempt looking ass self into a bottle-o, no makeup, hair not brushed and in a ponytail, wearing some slum garbage outfit. Obviously a teenager trying to circumvent the law; ID please. Flattering: sure. Annoying: starting to become that way.

I went to buy some more candles. I found a lovely peacock-blue candle, a warm buttery yellow one, and a fat green one smelling of peaches and cream (for you, Bune). The first reminded me of a question someone asked recently, where I said my favourite colour was a twilight, peacock blue. Then it made me think of Melek Taus, who was name-dropped a while ago, and why I keep this endless fascination with peacock feathers. As I was walking to the front of the store…

There it is, tucked into a shelf between cheap shoulder bags and jigsaw puzzles. I picked it up and asked the owner if it was for sale. Yes, he said, it was. He proceeded down another aisle and plucked a whole sheaf (bundle?) of peacock feathers from the top of a high shelf. About 20 of them. One dollar each, he said. Say LESS fam. One damn dollar. I was expecting somewhere in the realm of $10 to $20 each.

Needless to say, I came home with some new candles and beautiful selection of peacock feathers.

I also found an amusing little windchime adorned with a frog. Bael, you now have a place of honour guarding me and my home, like I asked of you a fortnight or so ago.

So, a short one for now. I am currently gathering the threads of the mythology of Melek Taus which I can weave into a working. I am curious, is it you? What do you want with me? Are you a mask of Lucifer? I have had very few interactions with Lucifer – like, three, four? – but generally profound and powerful. I am not drawn to Lucifer, I am drawn to this peacock angel, an emanation of god. So, let’s see what work we may do together.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

7 Likes

20.05.22

So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11

Your Word is your Will, and your Will is your Word.

Language shapes our minds, on a personal level and even a cultural one. If you lack the word or language to describe a thing, is it still a thing?

What is a word? “A vocalisation of sound”, you might think, or “a series of syllables”. A word is the definition of a concept; be it idea or reality.

Take care with your Word. For what you say, you will think, and what you think, you will say. And often you will go through life feeling like words well up and spill out at random from some unknown spring in your brain. Truly; words shape our reality. Words conceptualise our reality, and cement our experience of an event – real or imagined.

This is the Law.


23.05.22

Forever biting off more than I can chew. Christ, I’m up to my eyeballs trying to “research” things and more things are added to the pile, blah blah, you know how it is. Frustrating. Too much theory, not enough practice.

Melek Taus.

What do you want with me, eh?

I drew you. I see you. And I’m coming for you.

“He does not always manifest as a peacock but has many forms, including … snake, [or] rainbow.”

“Mythologically, the merging of the serpent and the dove results in the peacock: the heavenly bird of cyclic immortality, not unlike the phoenix.”

AVE MELEK!
I am the storm that sends you to another dimension,
I am the wave that demolishes the rocks,
I am the flame that burns at the top of the hill,
I am the rich and fat earth that nourishes,
my name is written among the stars
and my heart is at the center of the world….
I am the door,
I am the past, the present and the future
I am the strength, the passion, the innocence,
I am of the universe: THE ESSENCE.

Luckily I am blessed with a talented boyfriend who was able to help me decipher some Yezidic hymns (I say “help me” but really he did all this for me and I am forever grateful :sob: :two_hearts: ), from a researcher who had recorded them, as apparently Yezidism relies/relied solely on oral history. I’ve trimmed one of the qewls down, the Hymn of Melek Taus.

Ya Rabbi, you are the angel of the highest sky
Ya Rabbi, you are the ancient one since eternity

Ya Rabbi, you are the eternal creator,
You are the one with eternal awareness,
And you are the one worthy of eternal praise and worship.

Ya Rabbi, you are higher than highest skies,
Without an equal and everywhere,
Unborn and not giving birth, you Are.

Ya Rabbi, you are without sin and color,
Neither sound, nor echo,
Neither legs, nor arms,
Ya Rabbi, no one knows how you came to be.

Ya Rabbi, you are the creator and we are the created,
You are the hope, we are the aspirants.

Will report back once I have anything of note. :triumph:

Until then, with love,
V :two_hearts:

8 Likes

Beautiful art. I didnt know you liked to draw. Have you anymore art of spirits to share?

1 Like

Thank you :relaxed:

Only Asmodai –

6 Likes

Holy crap your art is so good! It makes me wanna draw again. I really hope you continue to post more art. :heart:

The head on the left looks like an orc? Haha

1 Like

Thank you! And yes you should, everyone should have a creative outlet :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Ayya yeah it is… A half-orc to be precise :shushing_face:

2 Likes

24.05.22

Manifestations today –

  • Package came two weeks early
  • Package included thing I didn’t buy? But is both a useful item and relevant to my interests
  • Oldmate at the servo sold me a normally $50 pack of cigarettes for $24. “Whaddaya after today, luv?” I’ll take my extremely (comparatively) cheap cigarettes priced completely at your discretion, cheers mate :blush: :+1:

False-eyes

(Another short video here)

So –

image

vs.

image

hmm…

image

vs.

HMMMM

Brief contact, nothing deep or profound. He appeared as, to no one’s surprise, a peacock. No words for me yet. Brief impression.

I intend to keep going.

Love,
V

5 Likes