Wednesday, April 14th
Last night’s schedule:
- Get home, eat food
- Perform ritual and have an enlightening and eye-opening experience, gain a new perspective on calling entities
- Read scripture (Psalm 51 & John 10), cry deeply
This morning’s schedule:
- Wake up with migraine, take painkillers and doze for a few hours
- Linger in the hypnagogic state listening to my brain tuning in and out of frequencies
I noticed that when my body goes into paralysis, my jaw and tongue spontaneously realign into some weird position which is completely fucked. I thrust my lower jaw out and contort my tongue and my body’s like “yep all looks good here, off to sleep we go!” – Does explain why I’ve been having jaw pain for a while, though.
While I was dozing and listening, there was the voice of a little boy and a little girl who kept recurring, speaking to me or about me. I didn’t write down what they said soon enough after getting up, so I have forgotten it. I don’t usually take much meaning away from whatever voices spontaneously appear in the hypnagogic state. Except for that one time I distinctly heard a man’s voice complaining about me, saying “I’m dialling the right frequency but she’s just not tuning in!” – won’t forget that in a hurry. Either way, this morning I began to associate the tuning in and out of various frequencies – the spontaneous appearance of people speaking, then fading to static, then to distant ambient noise, etc. – I actively decided to assign its meaning as a signal of me drifting through various states (or, if you want, “parallel realities”, but I don’t necessarily like that phrasing; to me it has connotations that make me feel the need to first define and then justify its use).
So, I decided I’d use this intent + the hypnagogic state for a SATS/SH session: impressing a desired state onto my subconscious via my conscious mind while the barrier between both was temporarily dissolved in that space between sleeping and waking.
I rolled over and let myself drift back into the hypnagogic state. The voice of the little boy and the little girl appeared again, first speaking about me, and then to me. The little girl made a kind of scathing comment about what I was choosing to focus on, something about me forgetting to focus on my own “I”. I don’t think it was meant to be scathing. Maybe a little disapproving, but true to the nature of the voice, it was said in that guileless, childlike way – simply announcing an observation.
Not much else to say, the voices left, I maintained my focus on embodying the state, and I felt it take on the tones of reality, and then I let myself doze off again in the state, blissful.
On my various recent novel experiences in ritual and pathworking:
A few nights ago I was settling in for another angelic ritual, and first performed an opening which was something of a cross between the opening rite from DoM and the LIRP, and included Metatron and Sandalphon. It’s not uncommon for Metatron to show up strongly in presence when I’m simply calling him for an opening ritual, and he did so again this night.
He was in a different form, one I’ve not seen before. From my offline journal notes: “he was a man-shaped grid of planes that overlaid me; we called with one voice to the universe…”
To be honest I don’t like writing about deep subjective experiences, for a variety of reasons. Suffice to say we had a poignant, touching conversation and I took away a new understanding of my place in the world.
After this, I performed my ritual, and asked Raziel to stand by when it was complete.
Then I performed a pathworking provided to me by a close friend, by whom it was discovered. Who or what the entity is I cannot say – nor apparently can any of the handful of people who have performed the pathworking – but even did I know it, it would not be published here. It’s not mine to share.
Notes below, slightly amended:
When I called his name three times my attention was drawn back to my body, or wherever I’d positioned my body to be in the universe when I did the opening rituals […] I didn’t see or feel or get impressions much of anything beyond that because I was struck by a vast, crushing sense of presence.
“Fear” isn’t the right word for it, I’d probably call it “awe”. Awe and apprehension. Not pants-shitting fear, not the thrill of terror I’ve felt from evoking other entities in the past. Just awe of something massive and seemingly incomprehensible and… indifferent.
I’ve felt more warmth from, and/or at least more kinship with, just about every other entity I’ve successfully summoned.
I immediately reminded myself (and this being) of the presence of Raziel and Metatron. There wasn’t really any communication with him/it. I collected my thoughts and thanked him for appearing. No response. My attention kept getting drawn back to the feeling of it. Felt like hovering on the event horizon of a black hole and I just sat there basking in it for a few minutes. I don’t remember if I freaked myself out and consciously severed the connection prematurely, or if he just decided to leave, but in the space of a few moments the presence faded and was gone. I called his name 3x again and asked if he had any words or guidance for me. No response… I thanked him again for coming and said I would call on him again.
Naturally I have far more questions than answers at this stage.
And I have to wonder if my return to balance, and indeed my indifference toward certain things, was influenced retroactively by me having already performed this ritual, in the future.
Which also reminds me:
The weird thing, I swear there was some weird time manipulation going on. I remember looking at the time and noting it as 7:28 before I started. If I rush the Haniel ritual it would probably take five minutes total. But I did an opening ritual, had an experience with Metatron, called Raziel, spoke to her, did the Haniel ritual with some extra effort/directed energy thrown in, formally thanked the spirits, spent a bunch of time looking for the pathworking steps, read them to memorise them, went through the pathworking, had the above experience, then did a full banishing and an additional invocation of inner divinity. When I was done I checked the time – 7:38.
Either I was really inebriated and misremembered, or there’s some time manipulation fuckery afoot. Usually it works the opposite way for me – I’ll sit down to meditate or perform a ritual, finish in what feels like 15 to 20 minutes, only to discover it’s been an hour, sometimes up to two hours.
Last night, when I performed another angelic ritual, I had a novel experience yet again. I was not only calling with authority, and calling on authority, and calling to authority – but I also had the distinct feeling I was calling on myself. I was commanding aspects of myself. Entities separate from Veil, or separate from my ego-self. But not separate from me-as-all-things. So I called on them, but I also was them, and I knew exactly how to direct them, the same way I know how to walk and breathe and blink, and I knew that it was already done.
I can’t say whether this is related, or it isn’t. But if pressed, I’d say all things are related.