Hey there. You may recognize me from the excellent title, “The Power and The Madness In the Mania…”. I started that journal in 2019 when I was new to practicing magick and working with demons. I identified as a Satanist when I found the religion at 15, but never took practice seriously until I found this site.
That was a very dark time for me. Only drugs could inspire me to create a journal and detail my experience as a new practitioner through a Hulk Hogan inspired title. Do you have any idea how much ambien I was on at that time? I shudder at the thought.
If I hadn’t found this site, I have no idea where I would be right now. Perhaps dead in a ditch somewhere?
I had a victim complex. Untreated childhood trauma. I was addicted to drugs, and would drink when I ran out. I took out my angst and rage on everyone around me. I was doing weird and concerning shit.
Despite the fact that a lot of my initial journey was clouded through the use of drugs and alcohol, I do believe that I did some good, there. I ended up quitting everything cold turkey. I vaguely remember petitioning Lucifuge Rofocale as well as Belial to help me out of the self destructive haze I was stuck in. King Paimon was also there in the very beginning, guiding me along my path.
My life really started to turn around after that point. I began going to the gym, eating healthy, meditating daily, and decided to really take a look at myself and work on my faults. I stopped hurting my loved ones and I learned how to control my emotions and reactions.
Before starting on this path, I was going from house to house, either getting kicked out or causing a scene and storming out. I’d been homeless, I tried to kill myself, I was starving myself and hurting myself and having a mental breakdown at least once a week. I couldn’t hold down a job and I disturbed and frightened everyone around me.
Something magickal happened and here I am.
My (now) Husband and I moved across the country after saving our money and got our own apartment. I’ve had a stable job, and I’ve been addiction free. I keep myself in check and don’t lash out or break down. I work on myself every day.
While I would advise anyone here to avoid getting wasted during rituals and magickal workings – at the very least, you could just… write down what you are doing so that you can look back on it and know what the hell you did the next day!
Clearly something worked for me. There were a lot of ups and downs through my journey, and I was given the illusion of having my shit together before getting the bandaid ripped off and spiraling further than before, but I have come back much stronger for it.
Magick works. Even if you are in a drug fueled haze and you hate yourself and want to die, if you are serious about getting your act together and you are tired of the person you have become – it will work. Just keep trying.
I don’t truly meet a lot of people who go through a transformation as dramatic as mine. When I look at my past self, I do believe that person is dead.
So this is my new journal. I really want to thank everyone on this site for all that you share and all the advice you give. This website helped inspire the change I needed to save my own life.
I’ll be posting my thoughts and updates on what I’m doing here.
I’ve been doing the Sword Banishing and Master Protection Ritual from the book Magickal Protection by Damon Brand every day. This will be my third day.
I have also been practicing qi gong and following a guided meditation every day.
Due to the fact that a lot of my journey has been, like I previously mentioned, paired with drugs and alcohol, I can’t remember a lot of what I studied or practiced. Back to square one, I suppose! I’ve just been reading and studying. I haven’t done any major rituals – I’m building myself a good foundation and training myself to be less impulsive.
Subjective synthesis is newly important to me, so I am not going to delve into something until I fully understand every aspect of it.
Anyway, whether anyone reads this or not, I’m excited to distance myself from my rocky past and start fresh with a journal that better represents the me I am today.