Suspended In Dusk: A Success Story and Daily Journal

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Hey there. You may recognize me from the excellent title, “The Power and The Madness In the Mania…”. I started that journal in 2019 when I was new to practicing magick and working with demons. I identified as a Satanist when I found the religion at 15, but never took practice seriously until I found this site.

That was a very dark time for me. Only drugs could inspire me to create a journal and detail my experience as a new practitioner through a Hulk Hogan inspired title. Do you have any idea how much ambien I was on at that time? I shudder at the thought.

If I hadn’t found this site, I have no idea where I would be right now. Perhaps dead in a ditch somewhere?

I had a victim complex. Untreated childhood trauma. I was addicted to drugs, and would drink when I ran out. I took out my angst and rage on everyone around me. I was doing weird and concerning shit.

Despite the fact that a lot of my initial journey was clouded through the use of drugs and alcohol, I do believe that I did some good, there. I ended up quitting everything cold turkey. I vaguely remember petitioning Lucifuge Rofocale as well as Belial to help me out of the self destructive haze I was stuck in. King Paimon was also there in the very beginning, guiding me along my path.

My life really started to turn around after that point. I began going to the gym, eating healthy, meditating daily, and decided to really take a look at myself and work on my faults. I stopped hurting my loved ones and I learned how to control my emotions and reactions.

Before starting on this path, I was going from house to house, either getting kicked out or causing a scene and storming out. I’d been homeless, I tried to kill myself, I was starving myself and hurting myself and having a mental breakdown at least once a week. I couldn’t hold down a job and I disturbed and frightened everyone around me.

Something magickal :smiley: happened and here I am.

My (now) Husband and I moved across the country after saving our money and got our own apartment. I’ve had a stable job, and I’ve been addiction free. I keep myself in check and don’t lash out or break down. I work on myself every day.

While I would advise anyone here to avoid getting wasted during rituals and magickal workings – at the very least, you could just… write down what you are doing so that you can look back on it and know what the hell you did the next day!

Clearly something worked for me. There were a lot of ups and downs through my journey, and I was given the illusion of having my shit together before getting the bandaid ripped off and spiraling further than before, but I have come back much stronger for it.

Magick works. Even if you are in a drug fueled haze and you hate yourself and want to die, if you are serious about getting your act together and you are tired of the person you have become – it will work. Just keep trying.

I don’t truly meet a lot of people who go through a transformation as dramatic as mine. When I look at my past self, I do believe that person is dead.

So this is my new journal. I really want to thank everyone on this site for all that you share and all the advice you give. This website helped inspire the change I needed to save my own life.

I’ll be posting my thoughts and updates on what I’m doing here.

I’ve been doing the Sword Banishing and Master Protection Ritual from the book Magickal Protection by Damon Brand every day. This will be my third day.

I have also been practicing qi gong and following a guided meditation every day.

Due to the fact that a lot of my journey has been, like I previously mentioned, paired with drugs and alcohol, I can’t remember a lot of what I studied or practiced. Back to square one, I suppose! I’ve just been reading and studying. I haven’t done any major rituals – I’m building myself a good foundation and training myself to be less impulsive.

Subjective synthesis is newly important to me, so I am not going to delve into something until I fully understand every aspect of it.

Anyway, whether anyone reads this or not, I’m excited to distance myself from my rocky past and start fresh with a journal that better represents the me I am today. :smiley:

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There is so much movement and strength and surmounting of obstacles hidden in this small passage of text, alone. I’m happy that you can start over with a fresh page and that you will be able to experience your journey from a different angle.

From my own experience there might be a time when you can look at this past self and understand it on a deeper level, without falling back into your past feelings and patterns (if you haven’t already).

Happy to have you back on track :slight_smile:

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Thank you for the kind words! :smiley:

It was a wild ride and I can’t believe I got here in one piece! I sometimes doubt what I am doing, but then I remember where I was when I began… You can’t tell me magick isn’t real!

There are so many similar stories that I’ve read on this site. I’m glad we all made it here.

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Would you like your previous journal closed?

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Yes, I’d like that. Thank you :smiley:

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Today was my fourth day of doing the Sword Banishing and Master Protection rituals as well as a ten minute beginner Qi gong routine.

Ive noticed that I am much calmer than usual. I have more focus, less brain fog, and I can rid myself of unwanted thoughts and feelings with ease. My house also feels more welcoming and clear.

Today was my second day of training at my new job and my anxiety was almost non-existent! The name of a demon has been popping up in my mind lately. I don’t think I should share who right now, but during times of stress, their name just enters my thoughts and I can center myself and regain the confidence and clear headedness that I started with.

I think it could just be that this particular demon is one who demands respect and inspired me in a way that I really need at the moment. Their energy is also a good match to my own, so it feels like I am striving to become more like my true self rather than emulating a being who is my opposite. It’s like a reflection of the person that I know I am inside – I just need to rip them out.

I’d like to make contact when I’ve done a little more preparation and can set aside some time to focus.

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Fifth day of the Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual. I did a short meditation and am about to do some qi gong.

This new job requires me to learn the menu and procedures to pass an end of training exam, so I haven’t had the mental space to study magick. I’m on day four apparently, because I didn’t realize orientation counted as day one of training, so I have until day 10 which is the exam.

I do feel like life has been pushing me into getting in the habit of having to memorize and learn new things. Here in Nevada, you need to obtain cards to get work, so I had to study for those tests, and now this new job is requiring me to study as well.

When I first got here I had a lot of anxiety about studying. I dropped out of school in the 9th grade, so I never got past middle school. I didn’t have anyone encouraging me to get good grades or show any interest in my success, so I never developed the discipline of studying. I feel like that was a huge mental block I had when it came to learning something I genuinely wanted to learn – my experience in school made me feel inadequate, and I avoided anything that required mental effort on my part for years.

This block made it impossible for me to make any real strides in magick.

So now that I’ve been forced into studying for various tests, I no longer have anxiety when studying, and my focus is much better than I realized!

After I pass this exam for work, I am excited to delve deeper into magick than I ever have before.

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Eighth (???) day of Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual.

It was my day off, so we went to a dim sum restaurant. We had jellyfish salad, beef tripe and radish stew, century egg and pork congee, krab rangoon, general tsos chicken, sticky rice steamed in lotus leaf mixed with pork, and then some sweet grated coconut mochi dim sum and hot tea. It was a glorious experience.

I felt very drunk and sleepy after eating all of that food, but realized I didn’t do the protection rituals, so I did them when I got home.

Right now I’m eating a strawberry mochi and drinking strawberry soda water. I’m studying for my end of work training exam.

I’ve been battling depression. There was a lot going on in my life – the wedding, my brothers in town, the big move, quitting my toxic job… so much dopamine!!! Now that I’m here, there is nothing going on. No concrete plans to look forward to. Just daily life.

I’m grateful for having my own place and landing this killer job, but I’m still finding it nearly impossible to get out of bed in the morning. I haven’t had sleep inertia this bad in years.

I’m hoping that continuing my daily practice and eventually evoking again and performing other rituals as well as creating a solid routine will snap me out of it. I’m just going to continue doing my best.

If anyone reads this and has any advice, please feel free. I’m just in a slump.

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Just my two cents from what I could gather from your former posts :slight_smile:

You said that you quitted substances (on top of battling depressions), so there is a lot going on inside of your body.

Its very well possible that the chemical compounds in your body need to re-adjust, even if your last intake has been quite in the past. If you’ve been used to the intake of certain substances over a certain amount of time, your brain got used to the dopamine that came with it. Now you’re without that additonal dopamine intake and your brain is probably like “the fuck is going on” while your body is finding back to its natural setting. So far, so normal. And massive kudos to you for doing this!

As I am currently going through alcohol withdrawals myself I found that spending time outside fills up the dopamine tank (not as fast, but steadily). Natural daylight combined with physical activities (like hiking, doing sports outside or transforming that piece of jungle in front of the house into an actual garden) makes me at least sleep through, by now. I still wake up between 5 and 6 in the morning every single day (:melting_face: ) but I noticed that I am not as tired throughout the day, anymore.

So maybe natural daylight combined with your current physical endeavours can already change some things in that department for you :thinking: If you work the night shifts frequently I would suggest lamps that imitate natural daylight, in terms of light therapy!

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Yes, the last time I was on anything was back in 2019, but I started during adolescence and it persisted through adulthood, so I suppose you’re right! My body is still not used to this.

I’ve definitely been slacking on vitamin d exposure. It’s a difficult cycle… Not going to the gym or going outside makes depression worse, then depression makes it feel impossible to get back into routine and it just builds on itself!

Thank you for sharing where you are at. Withdrawals are difficult, so I commend you. You got this!

And thank you for your suggestions. I definitely need to get back into routine, and I will buy one of those lamps now because I do work late hours! Nevada has lots of nature that I have yet to explore, so I should go meditate in it.

I wish you the best on your journey!

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I think whats really important here is: don’t punish yourself in addition for the things you could not do on day X. Building a sense of shame around wanting to establish a routine will mostly lead to guilt mixed with the depression and it will also trigger the feeling of shame and guilt when you try to get back into it. It makes committing to certain tasks or habits really hard and it makes you feel crappy on top.

I think this is really important: when you’re battling depression, you’re actually spending energy on that alone, even if its not as visible as for example folding laundry or giving the floor a scrub. Buts its energy spent and you can’t expand that amount of energy from scratch without feeling even more exhausted and so on.

Maybe you can simply build up a “little” routine every other day, building up a positive habit if you will. Instead of “going to the gym” (for example) you could try to hold two or three days free in your week for 15-30 minutes of physical exercises of your choice. These little positive habits are visible on your mental list = “I did this” instead of “Fuck, I didn’t manage to go to the gym AGAIN”.

To me its positive and proportional layering that might lead to building other habits that make me feel good or fulfilled and it might help with building up a higher tolerance about the energy I have to spend daily. So even if you “only” meditated or had “only” a healthy meal or “only” kept your household in check: thats already a positive habit and its not nothing :slight_smile:

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Thank you so much for putting that into perspective for me. I’ll have to work on changing my mindset to avoid beating myself up.

You’ve helped me a lot! I really appreciate it :slight_smile:

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I’m still doing the Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual every day.

I realized that I have actually never been able to keep up a consistent practice wherein I repeat the same rituals every single day. I just wanted to get into the fun stuff i.e. evocation.

Doing these rituals is putting me through a sort of purification process where I’m being confronted by my own shadow so that I can solve these issues that have been brewing inside for quite some time.

This could be the reason why I’ve been especially depressed and lethargic. So, I will just continue to do what I am doing, and know that this feeling is not permanent, and it is not that I am doing anything wrong – it’s that I am doing everything right.

Maybe I need the extra sleep to deal with these feelings and all this energy that I am not used to.

I tend to blame myself first. I think that I am falling into old patterns and losing the person I built. But the truth of the matter is that all human beings go through different emotional phases and I shouldn’t attach a moralistic view on my daily life. So what if I sleep until 11:30? Why should I feel guilt or shame, when I am still completing my rituals, taking care of myself, and working hard to secure my position at this new job? I am taking care of what is important in my life, and If I was truly slipping back into a self-destructive state, I would not be doing any of this shit. My moods have been relatively stable as well, and my anxiety at work is not anywhere near where It would have been a few years ago. I’m actually doing very, very well.

Once I pass this end of training exam tomorrow, I can put all my energy back into studying the occult :smiley:

Forgot to mention that starting today, I’ll be practicing using tarot with the three card spread every day. I think it’ll be good for me to develop this skill at this point in my life, since I have more of a patience for it and a budding interest.

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Another day, another Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual.

Last night was rough for me. I have been feeling extremely frustrated about my struggles with anxiety, and it all became too much for me and I sobbed in the car after work.

If you have ever dealt with crippling anxiety, you understand what it feels like to know who you truly are. You know your potential. You know that this anxiety does not represent you, and you are so close to reaching and grabbing your true self within, and you want so badly to rip it out and finally BE who you are. Yet you are constantly holding yourself back, swallowing your words, walking away from others, standing in one spot frozen.

I always wondered why I can talk to strangers perfectly fine. I can talk to people and act myself in most situations, but when it comes to someone that I care about, or who I want to like me, I freeze up.

I think I am afraid of putting my hope into something or someone, and being rejected. If I don’t care about the person or situation I am in, then there is nothing to lose. As soon as it becomes important to me, I am terrified. I tend to think that there is something wrong with me, and that if I show my genuine self, I will be shunned.

Where does it come from? Clearly it has to do with growing up in a violent household, and being bullied throughout my life for being odd. I always thought that I loved what made me different and have always embraced my eccentric personality, but perhaps there is a part of me that has internalized all the cruel things said and done to me?

So, what am I supposed to do? How do I move on from here? What is the next step towards healing? I wish there was some kind of a guideline that I could follow that would help me. I know that the knowledge is within, and I know that there are potentially certain beings that can aid me on this path.

I’ll continue these rituals. I know that they are bringing these issues to the surface and forcing me to look at them. I’ll continue doing a tarot reading once a day. I’ll continue studying Demons of Magick so that when I am ready and I have the time, I can make contact with He who lingers in my mind, perhaps waiting for my call.

It is out of the utmost respect that I delay the evocation. I want it memorized and I want no interruptions. I want to show that I am a much different person than the impulsive and careless child that would fall to the ground in supplication, with no respect for herself, and, therefore, no respect for anyone else, with the thought that someone would help her if she just showed how desperate she was. She wanted pity, and she wanted to worship and beg.

I know now that if I work hard for something, and I put forth the study and focus, then there is no need for me to grovel for help. I do the work, I make contact, we make a deal, and we help eachother. Simple as that. No need for tears or theatrics.

I have two choices. I can decide that I do not want to face my shadow – that it is too hard, it hurts too much – and give up. Or, I can continue to walk this path, and grab my weakness by its throat, and choose to walk through the fire so that I can come out of this as a stronger person. As the person I was meant to be. The person I truly am.

I refuse to give up. I’m going to make it there.

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Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual completed earlier.

I worked daytime and had a great shift. No anxiety today.

I bought the Daemon Tarot by Ariana Osborne. I just opened it about thirty minutes ago. I held the card over the smoke of burning palo santo and declared it to be my deck. I held it to my forehead and pictured pouring energy into it, and then breathed in and exhaled “life” into it.

I didn’t read this anywhere, but it seemed right at the time. It just kind of happened, and I went with the flow.

I lit a candle that I bought from someone who said she made it to aid in divination, did a one card reading and my jaw dropped! I was taken aback by how direct and specific the card was. I noted it in my journal.

Wow!

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Ive just stumbled upon this now and I think its a great opportunity to tell you that I LOVED your old journal. I didnt read through it completely but I did read a chunk of it.
I loved it because it seemed very down to earth, very "will that shit even work? no fucking idea but might aswell try and give it my best"y.
In a forest of people making all sorts of claims I really liked reading your journal the most because it abstained from such claims and seemed more like a “today I took this step” approach, which I liked a lot.
So yea…dunno really where to go from here aside from saying that your journal helped and inspired me, so…thank you :slight_smile:

Also, as someone with Borderline,

thats a thing? :rofl:
Just kidding, good luck on evolving further!!

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Haha thank you so much!!! I’m so glad that it had a positive impact on you :slight_smile: it was a very, “fuck it lets hop right on in” approach.

I think I learned a lot about myself LOL

And as someone with ADHD, lmao well resisting impulse is probably the hardest thing for me to do :smiley:

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Fifteenth day of the Sword Banishing and Master Protection rituals. The book says the Master Protection ritual should be done for 33 consecutive days, so I’m almost halfway there! It feels really good to stick to something this long term. In the past I would not have been bothered to try doing something that I would have to repeat consecutively over the course of multiple days, so I feel proud of myself.

My troubling intrusive thoughts have diminished greatly. They are almost completely gone, and if they do appear, they don’t bother me because I know that I am in control and I have the power to banish them.

Fifteen days ago I was afraid of the dark. Today I am not.

Visualizing the light of the sun as a swirling mass in my chest that can burn away any unwanted energies as far as my mind can visualize it’s radiant glow has given me a lot of confidence. I feel that I can stand my ground against anything. I don’t feel so helpless.

There is a light headedness that these rituals give me for a brief time afterwards that feels like a pleasant buzzing. Every day I am sure, without a doubt, that I am protected, and my confidence in this fact grows stronger with each day.

I know that the Master Protection ritual begins to work on the first day and strengthens over the course of the 33 days, and I am excited to see how I feel once I am done!

Lately I have had the feeling of being consumed by lustful influence. It feels apart from me. Normally I would attribute it to hormonal fluctuation, but in the middle of the night, I actually felt something touch me. It certainly wasn’t unwanted, but it startled me enough to make the sensation go away. I was actually hoping it would come back. I have never before felt that I was being touched by an entity before in my life, and it was very exciting.

I am apprehensive. I know there are beings that solely feed off of sexual energy, and could very well come onto you without permission. They will be whoever you want them to be to fulfill your desires. Was that what this was? I am not sure.

I am a very hypersexual person. I always have been. Because of this, I tend to gravitate towards beings that are notorious for having an overwhelmingly sexual energy about them. Like attracts like.

On one hand, I do feel like I am being called to reach out, and I have been putting it off. I stated in a previous journal entry that I am trying to resist impulses to make sure I put in the proper effort and focus to create an atmosphere that expresses my respect and shows that I am genuine. So perhaps this is their way of beckoning me to pick up the pace and make contact already. I have been procrastinating a bit as I try to find a work/life balance, so I definitely need to get rid of distractions and come up with an actual deadline to kick my ass in gear.

It feels like, “If you don’t focus harder on your studies, I’m going to use your lust against you to make you take action.”

On the other hand, I worry that my intense sexual fixation is attracting a lesser entity who simply wants to make a meal of my energy.

Though, now that I think about it, how could that be the case when I am completing these protection rituals with conviction and burning away all unwanted and uninvited entities? I truly don’t think a parasite can live in the environment I have created here. It could just be me overthinking, as usual.

I just try to be careful, because when I first started on this path, I would take everything at face value and simply believe the things that I wanted so badly to be true. I was involved with a number of parasitic entities who knew that I was easy prey, and that I would believe anything and let them do anything to me because I had no respect for myself.

There is a certain point in magick where you just have to trust your instincts. Overthinking everything is going to keep me in a state of inaction, and as long as I am smart, I will not be tricked.

I also must trust that I am not the person I was before. I constantly must remind myself of this. I was driven solely by lustful thoughts, and was downright disrespectful and out of control.

Today, I know that I can use lust as a tool for transformation of the self. In order to use it, though, I must have control over it. I feel like this is something I’ll be learning more about very, very soon.

Anyway, that’s all for today. I’m going to go study.

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Sword Banishing and Master Protection rituals complete. Today felt especially powerful.

The first day I did them, I had a difficult time feeling it. I can go through the phrases and names with much more conviction and power, now.

On my way to the gym. Slowly but surely getting back into it.

I had an epiphany about work. I previously thought that there was something flawed about my ability to interact with others, but I am not the awkward one. They are. They don’t know how to include outsiders into conversation.

When it comes to one on one conversation, I am great. But when it is an established group of people, they all are sort of… engaging in private or insider conversation in front of me, so there is nothing for me to interject. They carry on as if I am not there, because they don’t know how to make new people feel seen or comfortable. They would rather stay in their established group than to attempt to bring an outsider into their circle.

It’s not me! They are just uncomfortable with change.

The longer I stick around, the easier it will be for them to accept this change and be more inviting, but for now, I realize that I am not the awkward one. They just don’t know how to be accommodating towards new employees.

I also have nothing in common with the majority of them. I’m sure there are some things that I can find, but there is a major personality difference between me and everyone there. There are a few people that I can easily talk to, but for the most part, I have nothing to say because… none of it is worthwhile conversation that I can relate to at all.

It is normal for me to feel like an odd person in this situation when I am so different from everyone else. There is nothing wrong with me.

I tend to get down on myself and blame myself before I look around me and realize… shit, there is nothing wrong with me. This is normal.

I am not a flawed person. I am actually great with other people! They just need time to get to know me and understand my personality, as it is very different and is currently clashing a bit with theirs. Which is normal!

I feel relieved.

Anyways, hope everyone has a great day.

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Yeah, realizing that what I’m going through is normal has helped me alot😌

Yes! I have so much success with people, it’s just hard to get to talking to them

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