Suspended In Dusk: A Success Story and Daily Journal

[mrbungle]

Just finished the Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual. I also included Protection Against Accidents today as well, because ya girl is gonna start learning how to drive today!

It has become a necessity for me. It’s just my husband and I, and when he has a job, I need to get to work. Uber is very unreliable and people are creeps.

I think that learning to drive is a major part of me unpacking and resolving childhood trauma.

My mom and her wife were both alcoholic drug addicts who were trying to kill eachother almost every single day. I spent my entire young life huddled with my two brothers, crying and begging them to stop wailing on eachother. One was always in jail or in the hospital after trying to kill themselves in front of us. It was terrible.

A major memory I have is being afraid to get in the car with them. They were always drunk, and they were always fighting. They would end up swerving through traffic while fist fighting, and my brothers and I always thought we were going to die in a crash.

I’m terrified every time I get into a car.

I feel like learning how to drive and being a good driver will make me feel that I am in control when I step into a vehicle, instead of being at someone else’s mercy. I can take back my power. I can work through this trauma by facing this fear, and identifying driving with having power as an individual and as an adult.

I am no longer that fearful child!

I also woke up at nine today instead of 11:30.

I’m getting there!

[mrbungle]

13 days left of the Master Protection rituals. I did day two out of eleven of Protection Against Accidents and my usual Sword Banishing as well. It’s also day two of learning to drive.

I got the Goetia Pathworking book by Hargrove in the mail today, a long with some India temple incense and black candles.

I’m in bed after a… Day.

Sometimes it feels like everything is going to be alright, and that I’m succeeding and making it past major hurdles. It feels like I’m really changing for the better.

Then I have a day like today, and it feels like everything is going to shit, that I will never be better, that it will all fail.

I have to keep trying, but… It all feels like too much for me today. I’m doing my best, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m trying to be the person I want to be. Is it possible? Can I really change?

Right now it doesn’t feel like it.

It feels like everyone around me is having an easier time. I know, very victim complex of me, I know others are struggling silently, I know…

I just want to give up so badly. I can’t, but right now, I just want to curl up in bed and never leave my room.

I’m tired of constantly fighting myself.

I just want to sleep.

Is this from the rituals? Is it from getting back into magick? Is this part of some grand metamorphosis, and I will look back and smile, knowing that it was all necessary?

I sure fucking hope so.

[mrbungle]

I worked daytime. Brutal! It was slow and I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I was overthinking last night. I also closed, so I was home late and still had to eat and shower.

It was a good day though. Conversation flowed with one of my coworkers. We joked around a lot.

Sometimes I feel like an alien trying to understand how to properly speak to humans. I think it’s just due to lack of practice being around others. I spent a majority of my adolescence completely alone. I just wrote stories and played video games.

I still prefer to be alone! Or with my husband, which is like being alone because we are two in the same.

I did the Sword Banishing, Master Protection, and Protection Against Accidents after work because I didn’t have enough time this morning. It wasn’t my best work because my eyes were hurting and I had a shot of tequila, so maybe I’ll add one extra day to the Master Protection and Protection Against Accidents, just to make up for my lack of oomph today.

What else…

I noticed that if I don’t constantly keep myself in check, I fall into black and white thinking. I need to work on that.

I also had a dream last night that I was sick. When you look up dream interpretations, everything says something different, so… I don’t know. I tend to be a very literal person, so the symbolism in situations often escape me. That’s why I only recently began learning about tarot… I just struggle with it.

Hopefully tomorrow is good, and that I get good sleep.

[mrbungle]

Another dream of being sick… There’s blood involved. Coughing or sneezing up blood. Then I ignore it. I ignore a major problem.

I have two thoughts. One being that I keep waking up with my throat so dry that it hurts because we need to get a humidifier. Going from Florida to Nevada has wreaked all kinds of havoc on my body. I feel so dry!!! So I believe that’s half of the reason I keep dreaming that I’m sick or coughing, because my throat hurts and feels so dry at night.

Another thought… My attempt to read between the lines and see symbolism…

My dream was that I flew by myself to Japan. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I couldn’t speak Japanese. I was all alone, and apparently didn’t have much money or personal belongings in my dream. I wandered into a place and used their stuff, and they yelled at me for it.

I started coughing up and sneezing blood into the sink.

I was getting scared, but in my dream, I was like why the fuck am I scared? I am powerful! I am my own person! I am a witch, a Satanist! I briefly thought about a Certain Demon for inspiration and strength.

Then somehow it became a place filled with people who, like me, had no one and came here alone, and I was waiting for my luggage to show up.

I keep finding myself in uncomfortable situations with unfamiliar people. It’s causing me extreme distress and anxiety. Yet I persevere.

I remembered who I was, and I recalled the Demon who I believe is the next step in my journey who will guide me towards becoming someone I never dreamed possible. That I can manifest what I want and need. That I could have that power, and He could help me.

I believe my dreams are showing me a metamorphosis. Someone who starts off very scared and alone and sick, but keeps it moving and eventually figures it out (starting with nothing, then suddenly having luggage delivered and finding refuge in others who are similar to me)

Is this, then, a sign that I am going to eventually make it through this time in my life? That if I keep trying, I will get to the other side?

And not only that, but was He communicating through my dream, showing me what we could do together?

My dream did turn into something sinister, like a horror movie, but I can’t exactly remember… I just remember the general feeling of the change in environment.

Very exciting stuff. I have a good feeling about it.

Anyway, I will do all my rituals and drive today.

Hope everyone is well.

[mrbungle]

Dreamt that I was laying down in a dark room with a red glow. There was no furniture – just me, naked, on the ground surrounded by candles. I was engaged in … Sexual practices… With a very aggressive man.

Other parts of my dream I was looking through a grimoire of all manners of demons and witchcraft.

I’m about to go drive, then head to the gym. I don’t have much for time today so I’m going to do my rituals when I am getting ready for work later.

I feel good today. I had a great time at work last night. I had fun with my coworker and didn’t have any anxiety. I felt I was able to be expressive and true to myself and my personality without anxiety getting in the way.

Yesterday I panicked while driving, so today I am hoping for an easier time. I think I will do well.

Getting back into weight lifting as well! That’s one thing that I’ve missed and brought me a lot of confidence before, so I’m excited to get back into it.

I feel myself slowly getting back into a healthy routine, and waking up in the morning hasn’t been nearly as dreadful as before.

Slowly getting there. It takes time and effort, but I think come next month, I will be back to my usual self.

My depressive phases tend to come and go throughout the year, so I just need to remember this is part of my life and it is never permanent.

At least now I am connected back to my spiritual journey and have a passion for it just as I did when I first began. It’s been a long time since I felt that way. I spent so much time attempting to reconnect with my path and with the demons I worked with before to no avail. It was very frustrating and isolating, but I believe I needed to work through a lot of stuff at that time before I could come back to this.

I’m glad to be back!