July 25, 2021
There was no work to be done tonight.
Though, it felt necessary to include this within my journal as it is related to my spiritual path. Recently, I have received a reading regarding my path: hinderances, possible steps forward. My intention for this reading was more out of childlike curiosity than it was finding anything totally constructive. That is not to say that it was entirely irrelevant. There are definitely things I can improve upon, however I didn’t quite anticipate the analysis I was met with instead.
I’ll forgo the finer details —for they are personal to me— but what had stood out to me was the analysis of who I was. There has always been a vacancy within me since I was young that wasn’t brought to light until I was in college. I wouldn’t say I was aimless in any capacity, more so, I had left myself to the mercy of the world and I was generally okay with whatever came my way. I had a mediocre sense-of-self, a driving ambition, and a handful of trauma that I had sewn deep into the recesses of my mind.
Living this way never bothered me until it had clicked one day. Me, at the apex of my development, had realized something was missing. There was a call to do something that I wasn’t doing. To fully understand what I was blatantly ignoring. Though, I had continued to ignore it for some time before one day I crashed and I burned. Face to cement, on a dark night, in the middle of nowhere.
In opening my heart to the spirits around me and fixing my place in demonolatry, I felt seated in a spot where it seemed fulfilling. Working with magick made sense. It felt familiar, like something I had been doing all along. The vacancy subsided only a tiny bit. Even for a small piece, it felt much more than that, like I had finally found the answer.
Back to the reading, it had stated that I had felt deeply misunderstood. Not by others, but by myself. I was confused in what I was seeking within myself and no matter how I tried to mark down my identity, it never made sense.
Unfortunately, it was correct. I was deeply perturbed mostly in part because I was frustrated. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I didn’t understand [my true purpose/self/meaning] because I had put in so much effort TO understand. To see myself not make any sort of progress to reconcile this emptiness was, to put it plainly, irritating.
I continued the reading while the thoughts gnawed at me. Perhaps I was trying too hard and that’s why I never made any progress. But, all at the same time, letting life flow through was the reason I felt like that in the first place. The longer chewed on it, the less flavor the thought had. My jaw was tired of eating the same thing and eventually I had pulled myself away altogether (physically).
That’s when it had dawned on me: “meaning”.
There was no meaning in my practice.
I’m not saying that implying that “meaning” is the answer to all my problems. It was a simple realization that lately I was too focused on methodology and practice that any sentimentality had escaped me. Much like mind-body connection when exercising or performing yoga, there was no connection in my practice. I wasn’t putting my heart into it.
I call Leviathan in base ritual, but it wasn’t constructive. I pathworked myself into his domain and left. I took his words down in a journal and attempted to decipher them without making any real connection to the obvious that I was willfully ignorant to. And, that was just Leviathan, that doesn’t account for Thanatos.
Thanatos is a deity I don’t believe I formally recognized in this journal yet. I wouldn’t say it is a recent development as my relationship with Thanatos was a slow one. Plenty of denial and misreading. I asked for several signs and he delivered, and yet I told myself “no, couldn’t be”. I eventually added him to my altar some time ago and spend my time lighting his candle with no formal working with him.
Why? Simple. I do not know how.
I don’t intend to pursue any sort of RHP-adjacent working relationship with him and I’m sure he knows that. It is that, I have asked what he asks of me and I can’t seem to pull an answer from him. Like a blinding light, he has pushed into my sight that he has rightful intentions with me, but doesn’t tell me. I sense his presence around me often. Watching and waiting. Quite a few readings, a scan or two, have mentioned him watching me. Quietly waiting. Waiting for what? I do not know.
I mention this for another part of my reading delves into me not leaning into a guide in front of me. I am hesitant, it seems. More so, I am afraid. Which, is laughable in a sense because I foolishly jump towards any presence that stands before me in hopes I’ll learn a worthy lesson.
Though, they could be right. Maybe I am afraid and I don’t know it.
At one time, I was ecstatic to delve into the finite workings of necromancy. However, reading into workings with Euronymous deterred me, for I was a novice and I was afraid of shades. Silly, I know. There was a longing to want to do it, but I was afraid that I would lose something, or someone, important. As much as the death current intrigued me, something was chaining me down from it and I detached myself from the desire thinking it was a passing fancy.
Shortly after, Thanatos had started appearing before me. I laughed and thought “no Hellenistic deity would come to me”. I work and stay locked in demonolatry and the Draconic current that the idea of something outside of that pantheon wanting to work with me was unfeasible.
And yet, he stayed knocking. The dead butterflies on my trails, on my car, in my yard. The crows and vultures that sit on my window at home and at work or even when I go out. The dead animals of all varieties that were everywhere on the road, in my walking trails, on my porch. I started seeing his name in random, non-spiritually related books, in tweets, in random places. I finally caved and said “alright”. I set him up a candle on my altar fixed with a butterfly and animal bones. I light his candle every so often, but I hear nothing. He is watching me, but saying nothing.
Maybe, it is time to stop being a coward.
Not only a coward. It is time to be conscious. I say the words, but I do not feel the vibration. I feel as if I need to take my practice into my spirit with conviction rather than performing rites to feel a connection. I want to close the discrepancy between what I do and what I experience.
And, maybe, I need to formally commit to my practice and take Thanatos’ hand into what he intends to lead me into. I need to stop looking through Leviathan and look into his/her eyes to see the reflection of me. There needs to be a sense of responsibility and accountability for me to truly experience the life in this body and this mind rather than constantly seeking and expecting, for my wants and my wills mean nothing without savoring the reward and returning gratitude.
Anyways, apologies for the rambling. I hope you all have a great night.
